Friday, August 21, 2020

We have an election


By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer 

President Count Dracula is up for re-election, and this time around, despite wanting all the power in the previous election, and due to the presidency being “a lot of fargin’ work,” he chose a running mate. On the ballot with him is the Monster’s Mate. To contest “duttt mmmrrrfffing toxic union,” Frankenstein’s Monster decided to run, but no monster could really understand his mumblings, so they knocked him down to the vice president slot (VPs don’t do anything anyway), and the Invisible Man, who developed anger issues as a result of using Monocane while experimenting with invisibility, is naturally pissed off and a shoe in to debate “that arrogant a-hole” Drac because Drac is, well, sometimes an arrogant a-hole. These are the issues. Forget about the good and bad of the nation.



Mortal combat will begin soon. Vote for Prez and Vice Prez this Halloween.

Free moat monster

Come pick him up! My moat monster keeps letting guests cross my drawbridge without inflicting any pain or death blows whatsoever. Not one bite, not one scratch. Every guest has been able to enter my domicile. And I’ve had to spend time with them. I’m at 1313 Sixsixsix Way, Rottenham, WM 13666. So come pick him up now. He’s free!

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

New Downtown strip club a howling success

By Verona Cirus
Staff Pandemic Writer

A new strip club in Downtown Transylveinya is getting high praise. Strippers offer entertainment in the form of exotic dance and striptease. Patrons yell, “Take it off!” In these COVID times, monsters now only dread what other monsters look like underneath. How snarling are they really? Big and sharp teeth? Do they drool? “Take it off!” audiences continue to shout. “Throw me that face covering!” See total face at the all-new SeeTeeth Maskless Strip Club & Lounge. Go to SeeTeeth.mon for details.

Firing squad shoots roller coaster operator

By I.C. Deadpeople
Staff Thrill-Seeker Writer

A Gore Gardens amusement park firing squad put a roller coaster ride operator against the wall yesterday in Shadow City, and shot him for giving a train full of guests a second pass on the ride. The operator was supposed to keep the coaster going round and round, time after time (way more than just two times) with the same riders until they couldn’t take it any longer, then push it faster till they perished. That’s entertainment!

Monday, August 17, 2020

Vending machine cheats witch

By Dag Nammit
Staff Hag Writer

A local Witches Meadow witch stuck a quarter into a vending machine for a fresh toad last night, and the machine didn’t dispense the fresh toad, but kept the old hag’s money anyway. The witch is now threatening to turn the proprietor of the machine into the toad she needs if he doesn’t give her a new quarter. In order to turn the proprietor into a toad, however, the witch will need a raven’s claw. The vending machine sells raven’s claws for 25 cents. The witch still needs that quarter.

Friday, August 14, 2020

Disgruntled Graboid makes waves

By Earl & Valentine
Staff Handymen & Dead Body Recovery Services Writers

A 60-something-year-old Graboid (aka Mother Hunker, aka Shrieker, aka worm-like monster hungry for human flesh) filed a complaint last night with the Valley of Doom’s Tremor Order concerning another Graboid (aka Dirt Dragon, aka Ass Blaster) that rudely serpentined between her and the Earth’s surface (maybe 20 yards below ground) on her ascent toward human life above. She was irked that she had to stop in her tunnel and wait for the rogue Mother Hunker to pass. Who was he to slow her down? When asked if she was going to—

 

The 60-something-year-old Graboid cut off our question before we could actually ask it, and said, “These monsters today are all so entitled and have no patience at all.”

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Firing squad forgets to use silver bullets on werewolf

By Stu Pidd

Staff Birdbrain Writer

 

An entire Valley of Doom firing squad won’t go before another firing squad for not using silver bullets on their werewolf prisoner. The werewolf ate them.