Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Firing Squad member moonlights as Dungeon Axeman

By Mort Bid

Staff Life & Death Writer


With the Mrs. carrying his 13th baby, a member of the Valley of Doom Firing Squad picked up a second job cutting off heads in a Witches Meadow dungeon. It takes lives to bring life into this world.

Vending machine cheats several mad scientists

By E. Norm Ouslyupset

Staff Complaints Writer


Several mad scientists lost money they put in a vending machine selling brains last night. These evil geniuses inserted their coins in the money slot, made their selections, and just as the machine was about to vend the brain of their choice, the organs got stuck against the glass on the way down to the dispense tray. Those mad scientists who were cheated had failed to notice the very large “OUT OF ORDER” sign posted on the appliance. They all got no brains.  

Witch whacks out customer

By Gus Tomerisnotright

Staff Comm-hearse Writer


A customer at a witch’s market in Witches Meadows’ Wicked Forest asked for the large Potion No. 13 this evening, and the head enchantress of the place had to destroy him. She told the guy that she’d sold out of the item. “We have the small one if you’re interested,” she suggested. He proceeded to show the dimensions of the large potion bottle with his hands, and repeated that he was looking for the large No. 13. The witch said, “Yeah, we sold out of the large size.” He then told her he looped the market several times, and he just could not find the large No. 13. “That’s because we sold out,” the witch said a third time. He showed the size of the potion with his hands again. She had to kill him.

Monday, August 3, 2020

Ancient mummy missing

By Barry Olde
Staff Dust To Dust Writer

The Mummy was reported AWOL over the weekend. According to officials, the classic monster had a two-day head start. After an exhaustive search of the famous Valley of Doom tomb, authorities found the bandage-wrapped fiend halfway down the hall making a “run” for it. He was heavily fatigued and very much out of breath.

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Human World, beware; Deadly monsters are coming!

By The Killer
Staff Destroy-All-Things Writer

The most vicious, snarling and evil blood suckers, skull crushers and soul takers of the monster universe lined up extra early last night in Witches Meadow for the annual Witching Hour Fest-evil, when witches open the Great Portals to allow large groups of said deadly creatures to slide from the monster universe into the human world in preparation for Halloween night. According to Transylveinya officials, all of the murderous fiends were orderly, wore face coverings, and kept six feet apart to protect against COVID-19.