Zombies hope for apocalypse 2016

 

Zombies hope to finally seal the deal and finally take over the world come midnight tonight. According to a group of walkers outside the JLP Pumpkin Patch earlier today, it’s a “no-brainer.” There won’t be any brains left, they said, by the time the clock strikes 12.

Franken-Claws brings horrifying cheer, Grinch and Krampus also spotted this year

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, full of joy and cheer, and Franken-Claws did his best to terrify good little boys and girls who set out their Sant-o’-lanterns on Christmas Eve. According to sources, he left hundreds of thousands of packages filled with bugs and worms and other really cool things all kids love.

The Grinch made stops at houses around the globe as well. He had other plans. He stole people’s trees, bells, lights and elves, and also their ribbons, wrappings, trimmings and trappings. Then he took it 3,000 feet up, up the side of Mt. Crumpit, to the tiptop to dump it.

“I was thrilled to wake up and see what he took,” said Valencia, CA, resident Al Waysbizzy. “You know how long it would’ve taken me to pull all my decorations down and put it all away myself? Consider that job done.”

Krampus, the Christmas beast that destroys people who’ve misbehaved throughout the year, was spotted making his rounds on Dec. 24. According to authorities, however, all members of Congress are still accounted for. Critics say he may be getting too old for his job.

Willie from 'Twilight Zone' to finally be inducted into Dummy Hall of Fame

 

Willie the dummy from “The Twilight Zone” is finally being recognized for his terror in dummydom and will be inducted into the Dummy Hall of Fame this evening. On May 4, 1962, he first made his appearance on “The Twilight Zone” and not only terrorized ventriloquist Jerry Etherson, but also audiences who tuned in. Networks airing “Twilight Zone” marathons today for Thanksgiving will likely show Willie's episode, “The Dummy,” in recognition of tonight’s honoree. Those to speak at the Hall of Fame event include Slappy from “Goosebumps,” dummy entertainers Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd and Goofy Goggles, whom Willie shared the screen with on TV. Willie Talk will also make a special guest appearance. Whether the dummies will bring their human counterparts tonight to pull their strings or not has yet to be announced.

Tom the Turkey Terror spotted going after turkey farmers

 

Turkey farmers all over America have been reporting Tom the Turkey Terror sightings all day. Throughout November, these farms have been making claims that they had nothing but the highest quality poultry. Now they have no poultry at all. Some now have birds that resemble the walking dead with wings. In several cases, the Terror allegedly orchestrated breakouts. In others, he zombified the turkeys and they fought back against farmers who were previously coming after them with hatchets. It seems Tom is making good on a promise he made earlier this month when reporters spoke with him about his plans for the season. He said, “I can’t wait to find someone who thinks he’s gonna put me on his Thanksgiving dish. I’m going after all those scavengers with turkey on the brain. Gonna be turkey on your face.” Many turkey farmers claimed they’d be re-branding their businesses since getting word about the sightings. One farmer, Willie Byrd, said he was going to phase out the whole “turkey dinner” thing and replace it with a business model that allows guests to view turkeys in their natural habitat. That way, he said, he doesn’t have to worry about getting a visit from Tom. If you see the Terror, please contact the Transyl-vein-ia Wild Bird Agency at 666-ReportBirds. They're keeping track of Tom's noble efforts.

Turkey talks Thanksgiving, Black Friday, accounting and more

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

As a jack-o’-lantern who’s managed to survive decades of Halloweens by avoiding and/or outsmarting tricksters with airborne pumpkins on their minds, who’s also successfully stayed away from the pie tin on Thanksgiving, I can relate with Tom Turkey (no relation to Tom the Turkey Terror, a turkey who goes after and eats those giving thanks via bird consumption). Tom Turkey, like me, has also managed to avoid his fate on his respective holiday.

The two of us -- pumpkin and turkey -- recently sat down at a nondescript coffee shop in a small town, which I’m unable to disclose due to reasons related to Tom’s safety at this time of year, and we discussed the holiday season, Tom’s secret for burning calories, Black Friday and more.

I arrived at the coffee shop 15 minutes early. Tom wasn’t there yet. I recognized faces from the crime pages of newspapers long ago-- the place is most likely the witness protection program’s dumping ground for criminal America. Many turkeys and even jack-o’-lanterns I hadn’t seen since the early 1900s were also living protected lives here.

Tom walked in six minutes before or scheduled interview. He was talking to himself.

“Heather, does my waddle look straight?” he said to no one I could make out.

Tom sat down, ordered a coffee and a parfait, and we got down to it.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying as you walked in. So who’s Heather?

Tom Turkey: She’s my right-hand feather, handles all my appearances after that near disaster on ‘The Emeril’ show. How was I supposed to know he had a new deep fryer that he wanted me to try?

JLP: Yikes. How old are you, Tom?

TT: Wait, what? Are you carding me? I’m legal. See? Here’s my I.D. (Goes into his feathers.) Here it is. I know it doesn’t look like me, but who takes a good picture at the DMV?

JLP: Where do you come from and where do you reside?

TT: I come from a nest in Iowa. Just a small town bird living in a lonely world. Right now I’m in hiding. If I tell your readers where, my goose is cooked, metaphorically speaking.

JLP: What do you do for a living?

TT: I’m a butcher. (Laughs.) Kidding. I’m really an accountant, but you’d be surprised how many people fall for that butcher line.

JLP: What is your biggest challenge this Thanksgiving season?

TT: (Breaks into song.) Stayin’ alive, ah-ha, ah-ha, stayin’ aliiiiive. Love that tune. Great for dancing, which is also a great way to burn off all those extra calories after Thanksgiving, by the way. Want to see some of my moves?

JLP: Sure. (Tom gets out of the booth, dances.) That’s great. So how have you been able to escape the turkey platter in the past?

TT: (Sits back down, tries to catch his breath.) That’s (takes breath) classified (takes another breath) information (takes a few more breaths). How do I know you aren’t an informant for a factory farm? Tell you this, though, they don’t call me The Gobbler for nothing.

JLP: How will you fend off the turkey carvers this year?

TT: I started a petition asking the President (of the United States) for a pardon. I offered to send the First Lady my Vegducken recipe, too. Maybe she’ll put in a good word.

JLP: Do you enjoy this time of year at all?

TT: Love those Black Friday sales. I just claw my way to the front of the line. Don’t even think about trying to beat me out of that 100-inch flat screen. Then it’s home to watch football, although, unless I put my glasses on, I keep thinking they’re passing Uncle Frank across the field. We lost him last year. Talk about a fowl.

JLP: What’s your favorite time of year -- if not this time of year -- and what do you do for fun/where do you go for fun?

TT: Easter. No one eats turkey for Easter so we can sit back and chug chocolate eggs with the bunny without having to keep a lookout for some maniac with a carving knife. Sometimes we play a little ‘Duck, Duck, Goose.’ Our favorite vacation spot is Turkey. We fit right in there.

JLP: What do you eat on Thanksgiving?

TT: I’m partial to a good Waldorf salad. Seriously, we always get a nice honey-baked ham. Might not be good for you, but we can’t be eating cousin Mable now, can we? Although, after she got sloshed last year, the thought did occur. For the vegetarians in the crowd, we make a nice Tofurky, but we don’t even want to pretend we’re cannibals. Heather says we have to call it ‘tofu with the flavors of fall’ to be PC. We wash it down with Wild Turkey -- no relation.

JLP: OK, so I’m gonna fire off some questions like James Lipton from ‘Inside the Actors Studio.’ Here we go. What’s your favorite color?

TT: Purple. Was that a trick question? Do you think all turkeys like the same color? That just ruffles my feathers.

JLP: What’s your favorite word?

TT: Dessert. In our language it means the carnage is over.

JLP: What’s your least favorite word?

TT: Two words -- meat thermometer. I also really detest the phrase ‘gobble gobble gobble.’ It’s a really demeaning stereotype. We’re strict followers of Miss Manners and Emily Post.

JLP: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

TT: Super Turkey. My feathers double as a cape and you don’t even want to be in my way if I leap at you from a tall building.

JLP: What profession would you not want to attempt?

TT: Let’s face it -- being a ballerina would be embarrassing. I really don’t have the body for it.

JLP: If Turkey Heaven exists, what would you like to hear the Turkey Gods say when you arrive at the Turkey Gates?

TT: That is such a common misperception. There is no such thing as Turkey Heaven. We go to the same one you do. Which means you might have some ‘splaining to do since y’all are responsible for us arriving there first.

JLP: I’m proud to say I’ve never had turkey. I stick to candle wax. So is there anything else you’d like to tell our readers?

TT: Don’t forget, when you cut into cousin Rufus, you say ‘Delicious,’ we say, ‘Call the undertaker.’ And please, they call it Stove Top Stuffing for a reason -- no need to be putting it up our you-know-whats.

JLP: Tom, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. I know you’re not really a monster, but, being a talking turkey, we figured the monster readership of the world would recognize you as a supernatural being of some sort. I find you quite fascinating.

TT: Thank you. And thanks for talking to me. Hey, this was good timing. I think Heather and I need to leave for an appearance on ‘Top Chef.’ (Talks to himself.) What’s that, Heather? (Listens.) You don’t think I should do that one either? (Looks back up.) In that case, we’ll waddle back to Twitter. If any of your readers want to chat, just follow @TheTomTurkey, but not with a carving knife. I’m always willing to send turkey scratch to most anyone interested in typing.

Jason to miss Friday the 13th due to pulled hamstring

 

Jason Voorhees of Camp Crystal Lake will sit out this Friday the 13th due to a pulled hamstring. The veteran slasher psycho got hurt in a death match against Michael Meyers on Halloween, where both were killed and both revitalized, but when Voorhees got back up yesterday, he got up in major pain. After an MRI late in the evening, reports concluded that the machete maniac would have to take it easy for the next seven to 10 days. Campers who have booked trips to Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend have been tweeting about their disappointment. Some have cancelled their visits, claiming it would be no fun without an evil force toting random death tools on their tails. Voorhees is more than bummed. He told reporters he'd most likely stay in bed and watch cartoons.

Marley's Ghost is getting the chains back together, and more

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Halloween is over and most of us monsters are headed back to our own dominion. But Marley’s Ghost and the other spirits of Christmas are getting the chains together for the upcoming howliday season.

Tom the Turkey Terror is excited for his big day approaching.

“I can’t wait to find someone who thinks he’s gonna put me on his Thanksgiving dish,” Tom said late last night as he was crossing over from the monster dominion into the human world. “I’m going after all those scavengers with turkey on the brain. Gonna be turkey on your face.”

And while Jack-o’-Lantern Press won’t be posting stories daily now that All Hallows’ Eve has passed, check in with us now and again for news on those of us, like Marley’s Ghost and Tom the Turkey Terror, who will be jumping into the human realm for some non-Halloween season fun.

Soon enough, kids will be setting out there Sant-o’-lanterns (jack-o’-lanterns with Santa hats) on Christmas Eve with hopes that Franken-Claws will pay them a visit to deliver some monstrous gifts. We’ll bring you up to date on the zombie apocalypse coming this New Year’s Eve. The Valentine’s Monster, who was kicked out of Halloween for being purple and pink, will take center stage in February.

Then there are the evil leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day and the Easter Beast who will try again this year to get those eggs before the kids do. Chupacabras will terrorize on Cinco de Mayo and creatures from the Twilight Zone will haunt the human world on the 4th of July.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will continue to be your hub for monster news and entertainment, just not as often. We’ll be back on a daily basis on Aug. 1 for the Witching Hour.

The clock is ticking, it's almost time

It’s almost time, fellow monsters. The clock is ticking. Kids will be in front of their TV sets for the Horrorthon, and they'll remain there for the Big Giveaway at 9. Don’t miss it. Our TV commercials HERE with the flashing jack-o'-lanterns have reminded kids to wear their masks. Be prepared to scare. The clock is ticking. It’s almost time.

It's been a great Halloween season. Let's end it with a bang! 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, from Jack-o'-Lantern Press.

Martians claim art makes attack look weak, leader adds that it's on like Donkey Kong tonight

By Warov Thawirlds

Staff Martians Writer

Martians are upset that their attack on Oct. 30, 1938, has been depicted as “weak” in paintings, books, movies and other popular culture. The inhabitants of Mars are growing tired of the light treatment their attack has been given and they’re planning a new, much bigger, much wickeder attack this evening that will make 1938’s invasion look like Sesame Street.

Still, when the Martians attacked Earth in 1938, it was way more epic, they said.

“If only they had iPhones back then,” said Martian leader Zirk. “You would’ve seen some serious end-of-the-world stuff. There’s a great painting out there of our attack on Grovers Mill. Beautifully done. But we look like a bunch of sissies in that piece of work. You bet I’m mad about it. It hurts our rep in the Universe.”

Zirk said tonight the Martians are coming back to Earth with a vengeance. And Matt Damon won’t be there.

“That movie is pure fiction,” Zirk told reporters yesterday. “They show Matt Damon as the only living thing on Mars. Gimmie a break. That was a soundstage on a Hollywood backlot. I invite Earthlings to come to Mars for reals and see what happens.”

Zirk took back his invitation when we asked how anyone from Earth could go if they’re all defeated from tonight’s attack.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “We’re gonna attack big time this time. October 30, 2015, is gonna be a day for the Universe to remember. It’s gonna be on like Donkey Kong.”

Radio reports of the 1938 invasion can be heard right HERE. After taking a listen, be sure to get underground or go somewhere safe. The Martians are coming!

Birds gather before Halloween attack

 

Birds are already coming together to prepare for their big Halloween attack this year. Early this morning, a large group of winged predators met at a school playground in Bodega Bay, CA, to chirp about how they plan to gather in heavy trick-or-treat areas and simply watch kids to add to the intimidation factor. Sources said the attacks should come later in the evening in swift dives from high altitudes.

Dr. Jekyll introduces new and improved, longer-lasting maniac potion

By Heese Amainiak

Staff Medi-kill Writer

Dr. Jekyll has just finished a new and improved potion in time for you to try on Halloween. The formula, Dr. Jekyll's Death Potion No. 17, is longer lasting than previous potions and gives those who consume it a much bigger boost of rage and insanity.

Monsters are already saying No. 17 contains the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver the big bad, nasty "Mr. Hyde" demeanor that only a potion from Dr. Jekyll's lab can deliver.

“Will girls be screaming?” said Dr. Jekyll. “Yes. Will kids be running? Yes. Will grown men cry? Absolutely. This new formula packs a serious wallop. The good news is Death Potion No. 17 offers no health benefits whatsoever. In fact, the combination of chemicals is likely to do more harm than good. I’m thrilled about that.”

Some of the amazing side effects of No. 17 include elevated heart rates, hypertension, anxiety, headaches and interrupted sleep patterns. A recent study by Transyl-vein-ia University suggest even more exciting outcomes, such as severe heart palpitations, strokes and, for an added bonus, permanent insanity.

“Whenever I’m feeling too cheerful or content,” Jekyll said, “I take a couple sips of No. 17, and it transforms me into a raging lunatic, pushing me to turn everything and everyone upside down. Try it for yourself. You’ll be the pain of the party in no time.”

Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is now available on the quack market.

Test results indicate that our next generation of monsters won't be ready for Halloweens to come

By Lur Ningtoomuch

Staff Ghoul School Writer

Ghoul schools aren’t what they used to be.

According to a recent report, scare test scores are at an all-time low and more and more of our monster institutions are being taken over by charters.

“It’s getting to the point where we won’t be able to send up good monsters for the Halloweens to come,” said Count Dracula, who’s running for Transyl-vein-ia President in 2016. “These little furry things we’re turning out year after year are like puppies. Where are tomorrow’s nightmares going to come from? We’re going to have to start looking at other planets if we don’t get back to delivering the bads. I certainly don't want to just throw money at the problem. I don't want to drain my fellow monsters' pocketbooks. I want to drain their blood.”

The ghoul schools in South Transyl-vein-ia are a big concern, with several in the bottom 5 percent of the world. Three charter school operators will take over the worst of the sites.

“The monsters at these schools are up to no no-good,” said Eyelf Ixit, Monster Charter Chair. “They’re sweet, caring, smart . . . It’s awful. Very few students are being sent to the principal’s office for mischief or unruly conduct anymore -- not even the werewolves. What we hope to do when we take over these three campuses in the winter is start turning out evil, awful monsters again. We're going to make South Transyl-vein-ia home of the scariest monsters again. You can count on it.”

Dracula told reporters that he’s in favor of the charter takeover in South Transyl-vein-ia so that the number of disturbances can start to rise again, but he doesn’t want the growing charter trend to continue.

“We need our schools to rise to the occasion," he said. "We want to show these over-achieving sites that, if they want to stay in business, they better stop providing good educations and start providing bad ones. They’ve got to focus on scarier results or they, too, are in danger of charter takeover. When I become president in 2016, my first priority will be to get more blood banks in Transyl-vein-ia. Then I’ll work on the future of our monster nation. I assure you, Halloween in the years to come will be just fine, so long as you vote for Drac in ‘16.”

Sources said this year’s Halloween should still be pretty scary. But trick-or-treat warriors are becoming more and more brave. It won’t be long before the monster status quo is a no-go.

Monday Monster Match-Ups: 'Jeepers Creepers'

The Creeper, from “Jeepers Creepers” and “Jeepers Creepers 2,” has been trying to get a third movie made for years. In the meantime, he’s been doing anything he can for cash. He sang Sinatra tunes at a nightclub in Las Vegas for a couple years, and he even did an unauthorized musical stage production of “Jeepers Creepers” before the filmmakers sued him. He figured the publicity would be good for him. It wasn’t. About a year ago, the Creeper bought a microbrewery in the Transyl-vein-ia Mountains and created an award-winning pilsner called “The Creeper’s Own.” It’s a bestseller. Until he can get another film going, however, fans will have to be happy with just two installments. So which do you pick, “Jeepers 1” or “Jeepers 2”?

Fear Fest on AMC is good family fun

Got a little film buff on your hands? We thought so. Thankfully, there are plenty of fun films for the kids and the rest of the family airing this Halloween season on AMC. In addition to episodes of “The Walking Dead,” AMC will also deliver more family fun this week leading up to All Hallows’ Eve with some “Friday the 13th” movies, “The Last House on the Left,” “Halloween” (parts I, II, III, IV, V and VI) and more. The whole family will be singing and swinging, and having a bloody good time. Click HERE for the lineup of films.

Giant spiders looking forward to Halloween, excited to play 'trick or trap'

 

The children of the world aren’t the only ones excited about All Hallows’ Eve. Giant spiders are looking forward to Halloween treats, too. They put up massive amounts of web on buildings and homes everywhere with hopes of catching little kids in costumes, otherwise known as fun size snacks.

Black cats and vampire bats vie for best in show, hoping for spot in Halloween festivities

 

Transyl-vein-ia’s top black cats and vampire bats will vie for a chance to bring humans bad luck on Halloween night during the annual Black Cats and Vampire Bats Show tomorrow night at the Transyl-vein-ia Convention Center.

Over 300,000 creatures of the night are registered to compete.

“We have black cats and vampire bats from all over the region,” said Itson Likedonkeykong, director of the show. “We’ve got cats that hiss, bats that buzz and egos twice the size of King Kong. Only 50,000 of these creatures will get a chance to go out into the night on Halloween and reign in other evil ‘things' in an orchestrated effort to frighten trick-or-treaters and issue them bad luck.”

Likedonkeykong told reporters that judges will choose one cat and one bat from the bunch with the Best In Show honor, and those two winners will then lead their respective winning brothers and sister in what they call "Operation Cross Paths and Buzz Heads."

“It’s a big responsibility,” Likedonkeykong said. “So the judges are very careful in choosing the wickedest critters of all time. Trick-or-treaters expect no less than the worst.”

Animal trainers, witches, scientists and witch doctors are literally working their “magic” on their pests so theirs are the ones to represent the world on Oct. 31.

“We love it,” said Muglani the Medicine Man, who has several vampire bats and a couple cats in the show. “I made sure my little suckers have the teeth to open up a Boeing 747 like it was a can of tuna. They’re true terrors.”

The show begins at 9 p.m. Tickets are still available at SqueakNMeow.mon.

-Jack O. Lantern

Wicked witch refuses to do moon flyby this Halloween

By Al “Things” Green

Staff Night Creatures Writer

The wicked witch who usually flies by the moon on Halloween night says she’s not doing it this year.

Some say All Hallows’ Eve won’t be the same without the flyby.

“You've got Santa Claus driving his sleigh with his reindeer, E.T. in a basket on Elliot's bike and the wicked witch on her magic broom," said Ernest P. Goblin, who looks forward to seeing the popular icon every October 31st. "How can she not give us that all-important spectacle? If I could fly on a magic broom, you know I’d be all over it.”

The wicked witch told reporters she’d gladly give Goblin the power.

“You try riding a broom at my age,” she said. “You ever ride a bike with one of those tiny, hard plastic seats? Kills your bottom, don’t it? Your cheeks get all numb, your underwear rides up on you . . . Just imagine no seat at all. And when you’re up in the sky that high, you hit turbulence and it's bumpy as all get out. It makes it all the worse. I loathe it.”

The wicked witch added that she’s also becoming more and more afraid of heights as she gets older.

“OK, so I have a fear of falling,” she said. “That’s not the point. The bottom line is I don’t need no raggedy broom to get around. I’m a witch -- I can appear wherever I want like Captain Kirk. So I’m just not gonna fly around on sticks anymore. This year, I’m gonna lay out in the swamps and work on my color. My green is starting to fade big time. Someone else can fly through the moon.”

Other witches have begged to take over the role, but the Transyl-vein-ia Witches Commission has been slow to process applications. They’re hoping to have a new witch for the flyby in time for the big night.

Pumpkins excited to get a knife in the face for Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Pumpkin patches everywhere are drawing large crowds, and people are getting excited to bring their gourds to life.

Pumpkins are equally excited.

“I can’t wait for someone to put a knife into my face and give me eyes and a nose and a mouth,” said Jill L. Lantern. “And I love the feeling of people putting fire in my head for all to see my jack-o’-lantern grin.”

Other large orange fruit are not so thrilled.

“Sure, it’s nice to be able to project that Halloween magic when candle light flickers out of our faces,” said John J. Lantern. “But I’m not looking forward to being tossed into the street. And I’m definitely not looking forward to being put into a pie tin for Thanksgiving.”

Some ghouls are offering to pick up jack-o’-lanterns to take them back into the monster realm before their candles are blown out at the end of Halloween night.

“I’ve got a ghost hearse that’ll fit a bunch of our pumpkin friends,” said a ghoul who wishes to remain anonymous. “But it’ll be up to the pumpkins to make sure their human hosts don’t snatch them up before the night is over.”

Not to worry -- sources say people are good rule followers, and that they’re well aware of the four golden rules of Halloween:

-Wear a costume;

-Pass out treats;

-Always check your candy;

-Never blow out a jack-o’-lantern before the night is over.

To make reservations for your ride back into the monster realm, jack-o’-lanterns should go to ThisPumpkinNotGoinOutLikeDat.mon.

Mutant boxer rips opponent to bloody pieces, doctor to put limbs back on loser for rematch next week

By Watt Chesfytes

Staff Fight Writer

Johnny “Stoker” Dixon, a mutant, was put into the boxing ring this evening at the Shadow City Boxing Ring to see what he could do. He literally ripped his opponent, Tiger Nelson, into bloody body parts.

First Stoker pulled off Tiger’s right arm. Then he gave him a left hook and knocked his nose right off his face.

“When Stoke bit off his ear and tossed it onto the mat next to the bloody nose,” said fight announcer Eddie Clay, “we knew we were in for a special evening. After that he tore Tiger’s head off his shoulders and yanked his spinal cord out of his body like he was pulling a blade out of its sheath.”

Dr. Frankenstein from up the hill said he wanted to piece Tiger back together for a re-match against Stoker next week.

“You can’t put a human in the ring with a mutant,” the doctor said. “We’ll just have to see how Stoker does up against what I’m going to create for the rematch.”

To complicate the story further, sources said Little Boy Tiny Thompson put money on the fight against Stoker and added that he’d actually paid Stoker to throw the fight. In the back alley after all was said and done, Tiny and his degenerates cornered the mutant and tried to rough him up for turning on the bet, but Stoker ripped them all limb from limb.

“We saw a large crowd gathering out back behind the Boxing Room and ran over to see what was going on,” said fight fan Harry Fabian. “The way Stoker took these guys apart was awe-inspiring. It was a bloody mess. I can’t wait for more. I’ll be back next week, that’s for sure.”

The Shadow City Fighting Commission was not too happy with Stoker’s behavior.

“If we have fighters tearing people apart like this,” said commission head Eyemda Bawss, “pretty soon we won’t have any more fighters to fight, we won’t have betters to bet or any spectators to spectate. We’ll be out of business. And -- off the record -- I was in on that little bet and I lost out big, so I’m gonna see to it that the commission sets an example that this kind of conduct is not tolerated.”

The commission later fined Stoker $100 for his actions. Stoker turned the commission into a bloody mess before they could collect his money and before they could take action against Jack-o’-Lantern Press for printing a statement off the record.