‘Head’ Writer/Editor
Jack-o’-Lantern
Press recently sat down with Davy
Crockett’s Ghost to discuss his new tell-all book, “It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’
Bigfoot.” Crockett’s Ghost claims Disney gave him a bad rap in the TV shows and
their merchandise, and the frontier man’s new book will set the record straight.
Jack-o’-Lantern Press: Mr. Crockett, who are you really?
Davy Crockett’s Ghost: I’m Davy Crockett, way more
than just king of the wild frontier.
JLP: And this book you wrote
will set the record straight?
DCG: Darned right it will. Let
me get right to it -- I wasn’t born on just any
mountaintop in Tennessee. I was born on a mountaintop with a coven of witches.
And I didn’t kill a bear when I was only 3. You don’t get bears living next
door to witches. You get Bigfoot. And I destroyed Bigfoot in a fistfight and
brought his weak carcass back to my moms to use in their evil potions and
stews.
JLP: So in the “Ballad of Davy
Crockett,” made famous in the Disney TV show, the lyrics say you fought
single-handed through the Injun war. What of that?
DCG: Not Indians. Native
Americans, please. But that’s all lies. I never fought any Indians. I love
Indians. I fought Martians. I was working in the woods, whittling away on this
idea I had to develop a global computer network, when Martians came down and
kept me from my breakthrough. I had to put down my motherboard and take down
this threat that would’ve eventually destroyed the world. I fought
single-handedly -- that was true. I mean, no one was gonna join in a fight against
a Martian army back in those days. All you had were bows and arrows and some
pretty lame firepower.
JLP: That’s fascinating.
DCG: Darned right it is. That’s
why I wrote this book.
JLP: Tell me about going off to
Congress.
DCG: There’s another
misconception. I didn’t just fix up the government and laws like the song about
me so inaccurately says. In 1826, when I took my seat in the 21st US Congress,
I crushed politics. Look, I was a three-time Congressman. I was a friggin’ beast.
JLP: Without giving away the
ending of your book, you didn’t actually die at the Alamo in the Texas
Revolution on March 6, 1836, did you?
DCG: No, I didn’t, Jack. The
Martians came back to get even with me. They abducted me and I had it out with
them on their spaceship while traveling back to Mars. After showing those
idiots who was boss and later fixing a few ridiculous features on the ship,
which I documented and sent to NASA years later, basically giving them the
tools they needed to get the Apollo program up and running . . . Wait, where
was I?
JLP: You were talking about not
dying in the Alamo and being taken to Mars instead.
DCG: Right. Except I took them to Mars. After killing them and fixing their ship, I decided I wanted to see
what this planet Mars was all about. When I got there, I saw some things I
could improve, so I stayed, made some huge enhancements to their second-world world,
and I even picked up where I left off on my whole Internet project.
JLP: So you claim you invented
the Internet, right?
DCG: I don’t claim I invented it. I invented it, Jack. I sent all the plans
down to Earth for you guys to build and give me credit for -- maybe clear my
name -- and you guys built it and passed it off as your own invention. Am I
ticked? You’re darned right I’m ticked, Jack. That’s why I wrote this book.
JLP: So how’d you really die?
Pardon me if you didn’t die. I only assume you died because you’re a ghost
right now.
DCG: Yeah, I died, but I died by
choice, Jack. I didn’t get killed, that’s for sure. Ain’t no one gonna get the
best of me. I was sick of being a human and decided that being a ghost would be
pretty tight because I could have all the time I needed to accomplish all the
stuff I wanted to accomplish. You should see the new iOS I’m working on for
smart phones right now. It’s siiiiick, straight up O.G. And I got news for you -- I am the original gangsta.
JLP: Well, it looks like we're out of
time. One last thing -- I understand you’ll be doing readings from your
book on this book tour. Where can we expect to see you?
DCG: Well, there aren’t many
bookstores left in the world thanks to the Internet. You can ultimately thank
me for that. You’re welcome. But since I’m a ghost, I can’t just show up
anywhere anyways. Most people can’t see or hear me. So I’m gonna make some
appearances at haunted houses, cursed taverns, evil castles and such to read
from my book to those with ghost-hunting equipment -- that’s the only way people
will be able to make contact. I’m hoping to get on a bunch of those ghost shows
so I can clear my name once and for all.
JLP: Well, thanks, Mr. Crockett.
It was a pleasure speaking with you.
DCG: I know.
Davy Crockett’s new book,
“It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’ Bigfoot,” is not available for purchase
anywhere. The ghost is currently whittling away on an idea to telepathically
transport the work into everyone’s head.
No comments:
Post a Comment