Stage Roar Canteen still best place for G.I.s to find big bands and bad food

By W. W. Tu

Staff Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces Writer

UFO SPRINGS -- Dracula served the drinks, Frankenstein’s Monster and The Bride provided the electric atmosphere, the Invisible Man told the jokes, and Klaris the Mummy crooned with his Klarisketeers. The place is the Stage Roar Canteen over the hill from Old MacDonald’s Farm near one of the first ever saucer landing sites at Area 13 in UFO Springs, and at one time, Transyl-vein-ia’s biggest stars served zombies and mutants of Transyl-vein-ia’s Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces headed off to war against alien invaders.

G.I.s enjoyed war, but sometimes they needed a break from battle. And so the Stage Roar Canteen offered a welcome opportunity to discover all new anxieties.

“The food alone was a terror,” said Chef Army Sludgeflinger. “A zombie typically eats one thing -- brains. But brains could be found anywhere on the battlefield. That’s why we in the Canteen kitchen had to provide something a little different, you know, to show how much we appreciated the efforts of the Forces.”

In war, zombie G.I.s feasted on brains contaminated with dirt, UFO fuels, shrapnel and other foreign objects, therefore, Chef Sludgeflinger and his cooking staff concocted new brain recipes to include rare poisons, mold and spores on top of the other pollutants.

For the mutant G.I.s who, unlike the zombies in their units, weren’t so much into brains, Sludgeflinger served an alien slurry dish -- with a variety of waste containing dangerous chemicals, heavy metals, radiation, deadly pathogens and toxins -- that was literally “out of this world.”

“We couldn’t get enough of the stuff,” said Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces Gen. Gore S. Patton, Retired. “I’m a mutant, and on occasion even I’d have the brains. And I had zombies in some of my units that had the alien slurry. We didn’t care. We ate whatever they dumped on our tables. The Stage Roar Canteen had the worst entertainment, and the bad food made it that much more displeasing. It was a great time.”

Other menu items included:

-Alien Whiz Soup (so bad you can taste it)

-Glowing Green Salad (best with the lights out)

-Black Iron-Seared Liver and Lungs (onions optional)

-House Spaghetti (brains passed off as pasta)

-Shepherd’s Pie (with real shepherds)

Today, many years after the alien invasions, the Stage Roar Canteen serves these same dishes as a way to remember the bad ol’ days of fine war and nasty, lethal meals. The folks at the Canteen also present the best in big band performances of the day, with low-class acts from Goon Miller and his band, Benny Badman, Artie Ahhh! and Alien “Puke” Ellington. On occasion, you’ll see monsters still dancing the Lindy Flop, the Critterbug and the Balboa Constrictor.

To make reservations at the Canteen, simply go to the nearest Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces recruiter and enlist.