Twilight Zone signpost vandalized, hell to be paid

TWILIGHT ZONE -- That signpost up ahead, the one in the 1300 block of Twilight Zone Lane signifying your next stop that reads “Twilight Zone” -- it was spray-painted and busted down, causing $200 in damages. Vandals were seen traveling in a black sedan from one dimension to the other. Nothing more was reported. Any additional information should be shared with authorities so they can identify the suspects, lock them up and throw away the key of imagination. Then they’ll see what lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge, but there'll be more of the whole “man’s fears” thing going on, for sure.

Mad doctor ticked over hearse parked in front of his house

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- A mad doctor on Doom Drive has been raising Hell about a hearse parked in front of his house. It’s trash day and Dr. Youmest Withthawrongguy has no place to put his cans. “The thing’s been there all week,” Withthawrongguy said. “I don’t know who it belongs to, but I’ve got eight cans full of a failed operation I scrapped over the weekend that I have to put out along the curb, and there’s no room.” The vehicle showed up Saturday night, and by Tuesday, Withthawrongguy reported it to his homeowners association. Nothing was done. Last night the doc called the city to have the  mortuary transport vehicle towed. Still nothing, just spider web slowly building up on the wheels. Going into it, Withthawrongguy understood the consequences of his actions, his wife begged him not to do it and his neighbors tried to hold him back, even fired shots at him to stop. But he went ahead and did it anyway. He wrote a strongly worded letter and stuck it on the windshield. What’s done is done.

King Kong trolls Godzilla on social media, Twitter war erupts

MONSTER ISLANDS -- While Transylveinya officials understand that the use of social media by monster titans, including during epic battles, is an important part of the monster universe, the inappropriate use of social media can damage the reputation of Transylveinya as a whole. Those were the sentiments of President Count Dracula in a strongly worded memo to the monster world, which he issued tonight following recent tweets between King Kong and Godzilla. It began with Kong going to social media with his thoughts on the Geico gecko facing off in battles against other leaf-sized reptiles. The giant gorilla’s tweets were clear attacks on Godzilla, in reference to his upcoming movie, “Godzilla: King of the Monsters.” Godzilla responded with a nasty tweet, issuing threats to one “chimpanzee” using numerous expletives, causing some monsters to feel a line had been crossed between cool and not cool. Drac said he feels these “Twitter wars” between monsters can cause reputational damage, and he’s considering disciplinary actions if it keeps up.

Mummy cursed by own people, bit by werewolf, zombie and vampire

This story is so cursed it didn't post. We've got a witch doctor working on it...

Letters from the Lab: Werewolf pet project gonna have to wait

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- I got back to the lab yesterday, tired.

Some mad scientists get to spend their entire days trying to take over the world. I work a day job.

It all started a few weeks ago, when the wife and I were going through our finances and we noticed, as of late, that we’d been spending far too much money on robot armies, magnifying rays and, of course, more books -- every lab needs an unhealthy supply of books.

So I decided to get a job over at Evil-more Shopping Mart down on Doom Drive. Yesterday, it was one of those coupon days at the store and the place was packed with mad men and women coming in for price adjustments on brains, body parts, corpses . . . You mame it. Needless to say, I had my share of exposure to imbeciles for a while, even though I’m due back at the place five days of the week, every week for the time being.

Anyway, I got home from work, and the wife called and asked to pick up the kid from mad scientist school and take him to grave-robbing practice. Then she told me she was running late due to traffic on the moving sidewalk, and she wanted to know if I could make dinner, too.

I heated up some leftover chemical creations I’d scienced up over the weekend, and by the time I’d picked up the kid, the wife got home and we’d all had dinner, I was too tired to tinker with my little pet project in the basement. The guy I had tied up down there turned into a werewolf -- because it was a full moon last night -- and even though I had him hooked up to the machines and everything, I just didn’t feel like going through the whole process of transferring his lycanthrope energy over to the man-made monster I’ve been working on here and there for the past six months.

I ended up staying upstairs in my favorite chair in my study, falling asleep listening to episode after episode of this serialized murder-mystery podcast I recently discovered.

Tonight, there’s another full moon out. But it was also another coupon day at the store, another day of price adjustments and imbeciles, another night of picking up the kid, dropping off the kid and making dinner, and another night that that werewolf in my basement is gonna go through his transformation hooked up to all those machines again, and my man-made monster project’s gonna have to wait yet again, probably till the next full moon. I’ve just gotta say that this podcast I’m listening to is really gettin’ good!

Werewolf walker for hire

FOR HIRE -- Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Sources claim headless horseman lost his head

SLEEPY HOLLOW -- Last night, an anonymous headless horseman allegedly jumped into his convertible roadster, zipped down through the Hollow to the city to grab a pizza, some beers and a tub of ice cream, then he raced back to his nook in the deep woods, settled down in his La-Z-Boy with his dinner and black cherry swirl, and binge-watched “Parks and Rec” well into the morning. Sources claim the unknown rider didn’t even unhitch Billie Jean, his noble steed, or attach his pumpkin head all night. Those with any further information should report it to the National Society for Better Headless Horsemen at ReportBadRiders.mon.

Keep your big bug eyes open for The Junkyard

By Laye D. Bug

Staff Swarm Writer

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- For those of you giant killer insects out there looking for a big bite to eat, buzz on over to an eatery on Insect Centre Drive called The Junkyard, which offers up everything from tasty motorcycles and vans that have barely been stripped of their parts to mouthwatering sedans and trucks that are only recently no longer in operation.

The place is still somewhat new, but it’s already gaining a reputation as the best bite in town for ginormous bugs looking for a hearty breakfast, lunch or dinner.

“I have a huge appetite for Volkswagen Beetles,” said an enormous beetle who lives in town. “My wife never serves the stuff. She thinks it’s cannibalistic since we share the same name, but, you know, it’s totally different. That’s fine, though, because The Junkyard has the best Beetles I’ve ever tasted, most of them with less than 100,000 miles on them, so I’ll just keep going there when my appetite’s on the loose.”

The Junkyard also delivers its wrecks. They have a fleet of car carriers that can transport up to 10 vehicles at a time to your hive or nest, perfect for those of you lazy bugs with even the largest of appetites.

Here are a few regular items on the menu:

Breakfast

Crashed-Up Hondas with Pasta

Freshly Beat Toyotas

Smoked Volvos

Lunch

Engine-Fried Fords

Chevy Slammedwiches

Boneyardless Infinitys

Dinner

Braised BMWs

Mashed-Up Merecedes

Maseratis al Dented

Dessert

Mazda Cremed Pie

Mini Coopers á la mode

To see The Junkyard’s fresh catches from Hell’s Highway every day, check the Travel Tragedies section of the newspaper for newly crashed vehicles to come.

Drac turns a negative into some Rh-positive

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- Count Dracula can live forever, hypnotize his victims, change into a vampire bat, appear in the form of green mist or vanish at will. But around 11 p.m. last night, he struggled to put together a simple set of IKEA nesting tables for his new sitting room in the castle. After a slight mishap with a box cutter while opening the box, slicing open his upper right thigh, then somehow losing half the hardware for the tables, bending two of the legs and cracking one of the tempered glass tops, causing the loss of almost all the blood he’d consumed earlier in the evening, Drac ended up in the ER with 32 stiches and an I.V. While he was there, he wandered off in search of the bathroom, found the blood lab instead, and filled his tank with some fresh Rh-positive. The Count is now home and already planning a few more IKEA projects. He told reporters another trip to the ER wouldn’t be so bad, but actually quite refreshing.

LETTERS FROM THE LAB: All parents want their children to do well in school

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

My son just started kindergarten today.

As a parent, I’m always worried about how my kid will do. Will he struggle to learn? Will he get along with others? Will he have discipline issues?

By lunchtime, I’d already received a call from the principal. She said my little mad man wasn’t listening, he wasn’t participating in class, and during recess, he’d already manipulated a group of about 20 students into joining in his evil 10-point plot to take over the entire school.

“He and this group of children had the whole campus on lockdown,” the principal told me over the phone.

I raced down to the school to meet with several staff members, including my boy’s teacher and the principal. They, too, were equally thrilled with the boy’s performance.

In other words, I worried about my kid for nothing.

So if you have a little bugger at home and you’re worried he or she is showing no signs of interest in taking over the world, give it some time. They’ll always shock you.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil always on his mind and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transylveinya.

Werewolf ticked with his doctor

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A  werewolf was more than fired up with his doctor after going through a mess of side effects from medications he’d prescribed. During a recent transformation, John T. Wolf, only 32, noticed his fur coat was thinning, and so he went to a big city doctor in Downtown Transylveinya to see what was wrong. Doctor Q. Wack, according to Wolf, gave him a prescription, and within a few days, he was fully covered in werewolf hair, face and all. However, Wolf noticed several side effects, including dizziness, blood in his urine and a severe lack of appetite, which is no good in his line of work. “I didn’t even crave my prey each night,” the werewolf said. “One night on the moors I ate a few berries off trees. Try explaining that to your friends when they’re downing some poor helpless fellow. I had to go back to that doctor and get something else.” But an alternative medication had side effects as well, including shakiness and unsteady walk, chest pain, anxiety and bladder trouble. After going through two more medications with other unique side effects, Wolf finally lashed out at Dr. Wack, cutting him short of his co-pay and taking a big bite out of the incompetent fool, giving him the werewolf’s curse and the additional curse of thinning hair. When Wolf tried to push all those medications back on his doc, the medical professional told him he wouldn’t take that stuff if his own doctor prescribed them to him. So if you see two balding werewolves out on the town, please, do them a favor and tell them there’s a new supplement called Essential Gold Standard Platinum Pro X2000 Trans4m (not a drug) that works even better than all that medication. The only side effects are possible changes in kidney and liver functions, cold sweats, crying and loss of teeth. But those wolves will have healthy manes. (You have to have issues if you read this whole story.)

Little devil having tough time getting her horns

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- A little devil is having a rough night on Dreadford Falls Avenue, the flipside to the Bedford Falls community in the human world (made famous in the 1946 film “It’s a Wonderful Life”). Dreadford Falls folks are stuck in a real measly, crummy old town, and it’s up to all the guardian devils to earn their horns by convincing residents to throw their afterlives away. “Teacher says, every time a group mourns, a devil gets his horns,” said a pesky little kid named Georgina, who’s full of hope and no doubts. Her guardian devil, Clarissa, is having no luck getting her to feel discouraged. She’s got the night to change Georgina’s mind. Or maybe she’ll give up and finish that Mark Twain book she’s been reading. Who needs horns anyway when you’ve got a spikey tail and pitchfork?

Michael Meyers vows to make it home this year

HUMAN WORLD -- Infamous Halloween slasher psycho Michael Myers, who's pushing 61 years old, is still fuming from last year when, following his annual escape from the Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, the car he stole from the facility broke down, he couldn’t get it going, and he failed to hitch a ride into Haddonfield, IL. So he walked and walked and, even though he’s been stabbed, shot, burned, hit by speeding vehicles, shot again, clubbed with 2x4s and water pipes, shoved out of windows, pummeled by a van tumbling down a hill, decapitated, karate kicked out a second-story window, hung and electrocuted, his feet were killing and he was dead tired. That's when he took a nap in an old barn halfway to his destination, only to fall asleep and wake up to discover he’d missed Oct. 31. “This year,” Myers said, “I’m gonna make deeaaaamn sure the vehicle I steal is in good working order. I’ll just have to slip away during Monday Movie Night at the sanitarium a few days before my getaway and perform a little tune up on one of those station wagons they got in the garage, then I’ll set all the loons loose like I normally do the night before, grab the car, my Bill Shatner mask, and I’m on my way home.” Aside from being quite the surgeon with a butcher knife, Myers is also a known gearhead.

Mummies proud of all-mummy-run eatery

VALLEY OF DOOM -- Mummies everywhere are thrilled about the all-new mummy-founded, mummy-managed and mummy-operated eatery in Tombtown. The new establishment, which has been slow to get a name, is intended to not only prove others wrong about a common misconception of mummies, but to show the world that mummies are, in fact, kings, with the King Tut working as the friggin’ sous chef, yo. “We’re tired of all those pompous vampires, cocky werewolves and swaggering dimwitted man-made monsters getting all the attention,” said Queen Wut, a mummy hostess from the restaurant with an axe to grind. “They think they’re so wonderful. But for your information, we mummies have the finest food, the greatest curses, the most elite minds and, of course, the greatest and crustiest bods.” According to several patrons, however, the service in the new establishment sucks. One individual said the food took three hours to burn, and by the time the wait staff lurked from the kitchen to the table 20 minutes later, all the mold had fallen off the cuisine. Misconception? Stupid mummies. There’s no misconception. By the time that last remark even registers in those mummies’ slow brains and they do that slow mummy creep-walk over to anyone who’s gonna do anything about it, discrimination will be back in fashion. Those slowpokes will need three years just to read all the words in this here story.

The Red Devil sees all

HELL -- During a game of hide-and-go-seek in the lava-spewing south caverns of the Fire Caves, a naughty little boy caught the Red Devil peeking before reaching the count of 3. “You're a cheater,” the boy shouted as he unintentionally gave up his hiding spot. And so, on this 13th day of August, let it be known as fact: The Red Devil is not to be trusted.

Pres. Drac officially changes spelling of monster world name

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Those of you weirdoes out there who read this online rag on a regular basis and those who live in the monster world might’ve noticed a change in the way the name of the region has been spelled as of late. That’s because President Count Dracula changed it from “Transyl-vein-ia” to “Transylveinya,” and now it's official, despite the fact that the bloodsucker despises change. He hates when policies change, when seasons change, when night changes to day. He won’t even change his underwear. “I like regularity, patterns, the status quo and consistency,” Dracula said. “When things change, I get annoyed, inconvenienced and, let's face it, pretty heated. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the changing. Then I’m fine with change." Drac changed the name last night. From this point on, it'll be spelled the way he likes it, even in the upcoming travel guide to the monster universe, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons...And Mad Scientists, Too." Look for that guide in October wherever books are sold.

New production of ‘A Halloween Hymn’ coming to Young Fronkenshteen Theatre

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- The Young Fronkenshteen Theatre just announced its next play, a new production of “A Halloween Hymn” by Scarles Nickens (a real cut-up). The classic hymn in prose is a ghost story of Halloween, following the smiling, hugging, loving, caring, charitable old saint, Ebenezer Stooge, who, unlike the rest of the town awaiting Halloween, is more interested in the joyful arrival of Christmas, which, to him, is all a humdinger. “Humdinger!” he exclaims, until he encounters the ghost of his late business partner, who warns that three ghouls will visit him on the night before Halloween. The spirits take Stooge on a journey of All Hallow’s Eve past, present and future in the hope of transforming his joyfulness into good Halloween evil. “The scares will be there,” said the Ghost of Orson Welles, who directed the play. “But we had fun exploring the light side of monsterity. The Ghost of Lionel Barrymore plays Stooge, and he had a blast portraying good, noble and downright frolicsome and fun lovin’. We just hope nobody gets offended.” Hark how the bells, Sweet funeral bells, All seem to say, Give scares away...Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween! “A Halloween Hymn” opens Sept. 1.

Grocery store discriminates against woman with emotional support beast

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- Supermarkets in town are cracking down on shoppers putting service beasts into carts. Last night, one area resident, Ann Darrow, attempted to put her emotional support critter into a basket and was denied the chance by an employee of the Deadly Weggly Supermarket. Then the store manager came out and told the customer that she wouldn’t be allowed in the store. “He told me my pet couldn’t even go through the front door,” Darrow said. “The Transylveinyans with Disabilities Act prevents business owners from asking about my disability or even requesting paperwork pertaining to my service beast status. But he (the store manager) asked and requested, as if I was lying about my situation. Their carts and front door couldn't even accomodate me and my animal. This is an outrage and discrimination.” According to the store manager, Darrow’s pet destroyed several baskets trying to get into one, and upon entry nearly took out the entire front of the building. “How else,” Darrow asked, “is someone gonna get emotional support if not with a giant, building-sized gorilla that can take down the most vicious T-Rex in a matter of minutes?” Darrow argued with the store manager for upwards of 20 minutes, and then she and King Kong left the shopping center and headed home without any groceries.

This Halloween will have one less monster to perform the 'monster carry'

WITCHES MEADOW -- A swamp monster heading into the human world for the Halloween season to scare people will not perform the “monster carry” of his victims, even though he’ll be paid as a carrier. According to a Transylveinya Workmonster’s Comp. representative, the slimy beast is to be on light duty the entire season. Other carriers in the carrier union are upset. “He’s done this same thing every year for the past six seasons,” said a member of the monsterhood. “He’s always claiming his back is hurt, saying he can’t carry his victims like the rest of us do, and then he gets assigned light duty, but he still gets paid the carrier rate. Come Christmastime, he’s back in his swamp, throwing his kids on his shoulders, moving furniture around and bowling. He’s working the system, and it’s pretty lowdown, even for a monster who lurks around in the muck.” In addition to the swamp monster not doing the monster carry this year, according to his restrictions paperwork, he won’t be jumping out of any shadowy spaces, chasing anyone or making any sudden moves at all. The scummy thing told reporters he’d be a set of glowing eyes in a bush somewhere in Middle America. That’s your tax dollars at work.

Lightning hitting in same place

HUMAN WORLD -- Lightning continues to hit in the same place this evening in a small human town, and now the Frankensteins are looking to renew their vows again. The Mr. and Mrs. told reporters they simply wanted another reception with lots of guests, whether they knew the creatures or not. “There were all kinds of lightning strikes out there tonight, and still more crashing down,” said The Bride of Frankenstein. “So we planned a shotgun renewal-of-our-vows ceremony and reception, and invited everyone. Then we signed up for a gift registry in the very place where all that lightning is striking and put over 100 different types of lightning bolts on our list.” At press time, the Frankensteins had already received half the electricity they’d registered for. The event helped reaffirm their commitment to the life the two monsters had started together so many years ago. It also helped reaffirm their commitment to life. They’re still alive! (Who's writing this stuff? And who's reading it?)

Gremlins getting sloppy, chainsaw psycho sloppier

BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- A pack of gremlins were seen in a big hurry this evening, darting through Camp Slasher Psycho like greased lightning. The little critters just barely made it to the mid-sized sedan near the lake as a victim running from a chainsaw-wielding psycho had already gotten into the vehicle, fumbled with her keys and worked the right key into the ignition. Just as the car was about to turn over -- as it had done a thousand times before since the owner of the vehicle purchased the car several years ago -- the mischievious gremlins did what they do worst. The starter was cranking and cranking and cranking, and that's all it did. And then the victim’s pursuer caught up and, well, let’s just say it became one of those slice-of-life tales that are all so common in these parts. Gremlins made it right in the "nick" of time, but are cuttin' it close these days. Chainsaw psycho cut it closer and took out much more than just a little nick. (Even we know that was bad.)

Mail carrier accepts first honors of the season

HUMAN WORLD -- A pack of hounds from Hell lay down quietly on the cool grass this afternoon, resting, a few untouched chew toys near their sides. When the mail carrier looked down for that half a second at the package he was about to deliver to double-check the address, the beasts sprung into action. The post office reported their employee missing an hour after his shift expired. Expire, it did. And so we report the first good scare of the Halloween season in the human world. Afterward, the pack of hounds went for dessert. (You can't make this stuff up.)

Mad scientist loses child at fest-evil

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- A mad scientist lost her hand-made child at the annual Witching Hour Fest-evil this evening. Just before the actual Witching Hour ceremonies at midnight when witches open the Great Portals to the human world so monsters, ghouls and goblins can start heading into the human world for the Halloween season, the child went missing. Record crowds began showing up in Spell Willows Tuesday night for Media Night and aided in the confusion. Monsters of all kinds mobbed their way into Wicked Forest and to the Black Cauldron Encampment and the Great Portals around 10 this evening, and in doing so, crushed several creatures against trees, rock walls, various structures and into the ground as the masses grew by the hundreds in what’s being dubbed “the monster revolution.” The mad scientist that lost her baby was hysterical with tears when she turned and couldn’t find her kid. “I’m so happy for the little guy,” she said. “I only wish I was able to experience such dread and separation when I was too young to crawl.” The young mother was planning more acts of terror for others to try to withstand this Halloween season as she lined up to be transported into the human world. This mad scientist with all her carelessness has proven once again that the natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. Let the generous acts of scaring begin.