We have an election

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer 

President Count Dracula is up for re-election, and this time around, despite wanting all the power in the previous election, and due to the presidency being “a lot of fargin’ work,” he chose a running mate. On the ballot with him is the Monster’s Mate. To contest “duttt mmmrrrfffing toxic union,” Frankenstein’s Monster decided to run, but no monster could really understand his mumblings, so they knocked him down to the vice president slot (VPs don’t do anything anyway), and the Invisible Man, who developed anger issues as a result of using Monocane while experimenting with invisibility, is naturally pissed off and a shoe in to debate “that arrogant a-hole” Drac because Drac is, well, sometimes an arrogant a-hole. These are the issues. Forget about the good and bad of the nation.

Mortal combat will begin soon. Vote for Prez and Vice Prez this Halloween.

Free moat monster

Come pick him up! My moat monster keeps letting guests cross my drawbridge without inflicting any pain or death blows whatsoever. Not one bite, not one scratch. Every guest has been able to enter my domicile. And I’ve had to spend time with them. I’m at 1313 Sixsixsix Way, Rottenham, WM 13666. So come pick him up now. He’s free!

New Downtown strip club a howling success

By Verona Cirus
Staff Pandemic Writer

A new strip club in Downtown Transylveinya is getting high praise. Strippers offer entertainment in the form of exotic dance and striptease. Patrons yell, “Take it off!” In these COVID times, monsters now only dread what other monsters look like underneath. How snarling are they really? Big and sharp teeth? Do they drool? “Take it off!” audiences continue to shout. “Throw me that face covering!” See total face at the all-new SeeTeeth Maskless Strip Club & Lounge. Go to SeeTeeth.mon for details.

Firing squad shoots roller coaster operator

By I.C. Deadpeople
Staff Thrill-Seeker Writer

A Gore Gardens amusement park firing squad put a roller coaster ride operator against the wall yesterday in Shadow City, and shot him for giving a train full of guests a second pass on the ride. The operator was supposed to keep the coaster going round and round, time after time (way more than just two times) with the same riders until they couldn’t take it any longer, then push it faster till they perished. That’s entertainment!

Vending machine cheats witch

By Dag Nammit
Staff Hag Writer

A local Witches Meadow witch stuck a quarter into a vending machine for a fresh toad last night, and the machine didn’t dispense the fresh toad, but kept the old hag’s money anyway. The witch is now threatening to turn the proprietor of the machine into the toad she needs if he doesn’t give her a new quarter. In order to turn the proprietor into a toad, however, the witch will need a raven’s claw. The vending machine sells raven’s claws for 25 cents. The witch still needs that quarter.

Disgruntled Graboid makes waves

By Earl & Valentine
Staff Handymen & Dead Body Recovery Services Writers

A 60-something-year-old Graboid (aka Mother Hunker, aka Shrieker, aka worm-like monster hungry for human flesh) filed a complaint last night with the Valley of Doom’s Tremor Order concerning another Graboid (aka Dirt Dragon, aka Ass Blaster) that rudely serpentined between her and the Earth’s surface (maybe 20 yards below ground) on her ascent toward human life above. She was irked that she had to stop in her tunnel and wait for the rogue Mother Hunker to pass. Who was he to slow her down? When asked if she was going to—

 

The 60-something-year-old Graboid cut off our question before we could actually ask it, and said, “These monsters today are all so entitled and have no patience at all.”

Firing squad forgets to use silver bullets on werewolf

By Stu Pidd

Staff Birdbrain Writer

 

An entire Valley of Doom firing squad won’t go before another firing squad for not using silver bullets on their werewolf prisoner. The werewolf ate them.

King Kong wrecks roller skates

By Ray K. Havoc

Staff Damage & Destruction Writer

 

King Kong’s damaged roller skates is hardly a loss. With the $86,000 Tesla on his left foot and the $200,000 Lamborghini on his right, neither was really worth the money as they both stopped rolling before the giant ape could skate with them halfway down just one city block.

Firing squad kills an Igor for unsafe lab practices

By Anita Beeker

Staff Labs & Lasers Writer

 

A firing squad executed an Igor last night in the Mad Science District for unsafe lab practices. It seems the inept lab assistant didn’t follow the proper lock-out/tag-out procedures required when confronted with a faulty lab laser in his master’s lab. Poor Igor could’ve been killed.

JLP Pod's tiny King-sized show

By Tiny Biggs

Staff Small Large Things Writer

 

Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast briefly profile -- in a not-so-brief episode -- the biggest monster of them all, KING KONG! Click HERE to listen. And don’t forget to rate and review the show. Little such things make big, BIG differences.

Non-compliant homeowner sent before HOA firing squad

By Ache O. Ay

Staff Rules Are Rules Writer

 

A Transylveinya Hills homeowners association sent a homeowner to a firing squad for an overgrown lawn. The HOA’s president said the rules state clearly that no home shall have a lawn.

Firing Squad member moonlights as Dungeon Axeman

By Mort Bid

Staff Life & Death Writer

 

With the Mrs. carrying his 13th baby, a member of the Valley of Doom Firing Squad picked up a second job cutting off heads in a Witches Meadow dungeon. It takes lives to bring life into this world.

Vending machine cheats several mad scientists

By E. Norm Ouslyupset

Staff Complaints Writer

 

Several mad scientists lost money they put in a vending machine selling brains last night. These evil geniuses inserted their coins in the money slot, made their selections, and just as the machine was about to vend the brain of their choice, the organs got stuck against the glass on the way down to the dispense tray. Those mad scientists who were cheated had failed to notice the very large “OUT OF ORDER” sign posted on the appliance. They all got no brains.  

Witch whacks out customer

By Gus Tomerisnotright

Staff Comm-hearse Writer

 

A customer at a witch’s market in Witches Meadows’ Wicked Forest asked for the large Potion No. 13 this evening, and the head enchantress of the place had to destroy him. She told the guy that she’d sold out of the item. “We have the small one if you’re interested,” she suggested. He proceeded to show the dimensions of the large potion bottle with his hands, and repeated that he was looking for the large No. 13. The witch said, “Yeah, we sold out of the large size.” He then told her he looped the market several times, and he just could not find the large No. 13. “That’s because we sold out,” the witch said a third time. He showed the size of the potion with his hands again. She had to kill him.

Ancient mummy missing

By Barry Olde

Staff Dust To Dust Writer

The Mummy was reported AWOL over the weekend. According to officials, the classic monster had a two-day head start. After an exhaustive search of the famous Valley of Doom tomb, authorities found the bandage-wrapped fiend halfway down the hall making a “run” for it. He was heavily fatigued and very much out of breath.

Human World, beware; Deadly monsters are coming!

By The Killer

Staff Destroy-All-Things Writer

The most vicious, snarling and evil blood suckers, skull crushers and soul takers of the monster universe lined up extra early last night in Witches Meadow for the annual Witching Hour Fest-evil, when witches open the Great Portals to allow large groups of said deadly creatures to slide from the monster universe into the human world in preparation for Halloween night. According to Transylveinya officials, all of the murderous fiends were orderly, wore face coverings, and kept six feet apart to protect against COVID-19.