Old MacDonald’s Farm once a hot spot for UFO crashes

By Grover Mill

Contributor to the JLP

UFO SPRINGS -- At one time, Old MacDonald’s Farm was the No. 1 site for UFO landings in any world, if you want to call what they did “landings.”

Before that, corn, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, squash and other produce grew there for decades under the stewardship of longtime farmer Old MacDonald. The old man also had chicks, ducks, turkeys, pigs, cows, cats, mules, dogs and a turtle that actually went nerp, nerp until the late 1940s/early 1950s when UFOs began making contact with his property.

“The first encounter on that really starry night really scarred up my land, taking with it a lot of my crops,” MacDonald said. “I’ll admit I was more than t’ed off in the beginning, but then happily surprised with what I eventually discovered.”

Turns out, the saucers that were crash landing, hovering over and abducting the animals there were, in effect, mutating the farm life.

“You have no idea what them there space critters were doing for my business,” MacDonald said. “All of a sudden, monsters, gremlins, zombies and the like had appetites for my produce, which now glowed green. And my animals were fun to be around with their glowing personalities. No more was there a quack, quack here and chick, chick there. I don’t even know what sounds were comin’ out their faces, but they sure well scared away them werewolves and made them that much more fun at parties and monster get-togethers.”

UFOs continued to decimate MacDonald’s Farm over the years, and business kept booming. Alien crafts wiped out portions of the barn, scarred the ground permanently and contaminated the grounds with a menu of radioactive isotopes and toxic chemicals. But extraterrestrials stopped crashing and abducting animals there back in 2010, causing the worst radiation drought the area has seen.

“My crops and animals are dependent upon that toxic waste,” MacDonald said at the time. “If we don’t have some encounters here and but soon, we’ll cease to be a relevant source of terror around these parts.”

In early 2017, a wave of alien saucers flew off course and royally smacked down onto MacDonald’s farm, causing not only a fire in the sky, but one that torched MacDonald’s farm house. It was a welcome relief, to the point where MacDonald said he felt the drought was over.

“Seven years is a long time for no radiation,” said Jordy Verrill in response. Verrill, who’s an expert on the subject, added, “Heck, most of the crops and animals have gone back to being safe. I’d say MacDonald needs a lot more radiation on his farm from saucers before he can start feeling at ease.”

Regardless of the dangers at the site, Old MacDonald’s Farm continues to be a fun place to visit. While the “Caution: Radiation Area” tape has long since been removed, guests will still be able to take walking tours through the old barn, which could collapse at any time (if you’re lucky), play in ground scars made by downed UFOs (the ones with standing water where swimming is allowed may or may not continue to be bio-hazardous) and climb aboard crashed saucers with extraterrestrial bodies to dissect (if there’s anything left of them by the time you get there).

To plan your exciting visit, go to OldMacDonaldHadAnAlienFarm.mon.

Goblin falls out of tree in human world, unknowingly taken to pet hospital

By Al “Things” Green

Staff Night Creatures Writer

A senior goblin who’s still hiding in trees and scaring kids for a living fell out of a large oak last night in a Northern California suburb and was taken to an animal hospital, unbeknownst to him, to be treated for a broken leg, a broken arm, a sprained wrist and neck troubles.

The Goblin, 171 years old, told hospital representatives that he’s never been treated so poorly in all his life.

“I get no respect in this hospital, no respect at all,” Goblin said. “When I got here, two men were wrestling me to the ground. I yelled for help. Someone ran in and put a muzzle on me. The two men told me, ‘Thanks for the call. We couldn’t have done that on our own.’

“Are you kidding me?” Goblin added. “I told the nurse I needed help going to the bathroom. She put me on a leash and walked me around the block three times.

“I said, ‘I just wanna be treated like the rest of the patients around here.’ They gave me a bone.

“What’s a guy gotta do to get a little respect around here? I’m the goblin that inspired Jack Prelutsky’s goblin poem in his popular ‘It’s Halloween’ book. So I tell the doctor I’m famous and ask if I can get a room I don’t have to share with a bunch dogs. They throw me in my own personal crate.

“And this doctor,” Goblin said. “This doctor was dumb. He asked why I was in that tree in the first place. I told him I still have to work for a living. Not just for the money, but for the benefits, too. He said, ‘What do you know? You also talk.’ He was a dumb doctor.

“He was so dumb, I told him I didn’t have a tail when he asked what happened to it, and then he laughed and said, ‘I didn’t think people still clipped Dobermans’ tails these days.’ This doctor was dumb.”

Yeah, we know -- so are these jokes.