Werewolf wins lottery, shreds reward

By Kim Karslashian

Staff Slice & Dice Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A werewolf won the $200 million jackpot last night. He shredded the rewards.

“I’m a werewolf,” the werewolf said. “I don’t care about winning or losing. I don’t care about money. I don’t care.”

The lycanthrope said he didn’t even want to buy a scratcher in the first place, though he didn’t mind scratching up a few customers on the way into the Drooling Wolf Liquorice store on Monday for some black licorice, a soda and the clerk. Somehow, in the process, he ended up with the winning ticket.

“I really, honestly don’t care,” the werewolf insisted.

To prove it, he sliced up the cash he won along with the folks who gave him the winnings.

“Money does me no good,” he added. “Whatever I want, I just take. So, yeah, I don’t care.”

When asked if he minded taking a photograph for this story, the werewolf said he didn’t care. Midway into his pose for the pic, he altered course and lunged at the photographer and ate him and the camera. He seemed pleased with his actions.

“I care,” the werewolf said, “When it comes to my work, I have great affection and concern for the craft.”

The werewolf howled at the moon and took off for a bite to eat at the Livestock Café. He said something about having a craving for waiter.

Werewolves respond to recent disasters, and it’s not pleasant

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- New evidence shows that portals between the human world and the monster world will, in fact, close on Halloween night, just as a mad scientist predicted after traveling into the future and seeing it with his own eyes. Monsters that travel into the human world to terrorize people on Halloween will most definitely be locked out of the monster world, leaving them stranded in the human world forever.

President Count Dracula is adding to the current state of woes by forcing Transyl-vein-ia districts to install blood misters in all patios and outdoor areas, with Werewolftown next in line. The misters have made gigantic messes, depleted precious resources -- much of which has just evaporated into the earth -- and the blood mist itself in the air is beginning to cause problems with the environment, making it difficult for some monsters to breathe and screech and howl and moan and groan.

“I went to jump out at someone the other night, and I slipped on the bloodied ground and was more like a joke than a scare,” said Jen Tacles, a street-walking octopus from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. “I couldn’t even roar. My lungs were so full of that sticky blood mist. It’s ruining everything.”

Officials Downtown confirmed the 100th mist-related scare misfortune last night as local leaders have been taking their arguments to President Dracula in the Fright House. Mad scientists, who are looking into the portal situation, have claimed that none of the issues with the misters are going to matter soon because, once the portals between the human world and the monster world close, Halloween magic will be trapped on the other side of the gateway, and monsters will slowly begin to die, and not in the fun way.

“Halloween magic is what keeps us all going,” said the Wrathful Scientist, who’s been working on a Halloween magic substitute. “If we don’t come up with some kind of alternative, we’re next on the extinction list.”

All this news hit Werewolftown last night when gypsies from the Gypsy Village held a panic protest in Werewolf Run Square late last night.

“The vampires aren’t doing a thing about what’s going on, the witches have been silent and the mad scientists usually fail at whatever they do, so we’re hoping to get the werewolves involved,” said a gypsy woman named Maleva, who was leading the protest last night under heavy blood mist from the newly installed blood misters. “When a werewolf wants the jugular, a werewolf gets the jugular. When a werewolf wants the moon, he or she will howl at that thing until it goes away. Eventually, it always does. Werewolves make it happen.”

It’s true. Werewolves never give up. If it’s a cure they’re looking for, which is rare these days, they scour the Earth to find the beast that infected them with the curse. If they’re battling other monsters, crumbling castle walls won’t ever stop them. They can’t die. They’re determined. They keep going and going and going . . .

“To tell you the truth,” said one werewolf at the Silver Bullet Pub and BEASTro last night when asked how these disasters have affected him and how he can help, “we really don’t care about blood misters or closing portals. We just keep going and going and going . . . We can’t die. So it’s really not our problem. We just really want more raw meat. And we’re always gonna get it, blood mist or shine.”

Silver Bullet Beef a cut above the rest

By Janos Skorzeny

Contributor to the JLP

WEREWOLFTOWN -- The Silver Bullet Pub and Beastro in Werewolf Run Square is known for its beef, and whether you’re dining at the world famous establishment, out in the woods or on the moors, this winning recipe is sure to satisfy your taste buds and quell your hunger.

INGREDIENTS:

1 really enormous, really gristly hunk of bloody raw meat

DIRECTIONS:

Enjoy!

*NOTE: Raw meat could contain bad bacteria and parasites. Yum!

Werewolves attack teachers, student body during first week of school

By Wolf Bane

Staff Schools Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- The school year at Blue Moon High began last week, and officials have already reported several incidents of bullying, fighting, stealing and at least one killing. Even a few teachers were “relieved” of their duties.

“By the looks of things,” said Principal Lupus, “this class of werewolves is shaping up to be a fantastic one, and we’re seeing a lot of great potential. Sure, we had to get rid of what looked like some promising students and a few teachers with tenure, but, hey, survival of the fittest. Come time to play our first football game this Friday against the vampires at Carpathian High, our pack will be ready to murder ‘em.”

Blue Moon administrators are making their best effort to keep this momentum up. They’ve launched a new program to promote bad behavior and ruthless attacks on one another, and there’s no room for anything less.

“We don’t want our students coming into the office on all fours and opening up to us about their feelings,” said Silvia Bullet, one of the counselors at Blue Moon. “And what you say in here doesn’t stay in here. Our job is to shred these whiners to pieces so that they don’t rub off on the more aggressive model students we have here at the school. After breaking them down to little pups in the office, we make examples of them at lunch in the quad, and let their peers finish the job or at least cause them to have a severe meltdown.”

But that hasn’t really been a problem this year so far, Bullet said. Most teen wolves, she claimed, seem to be adhering to the policies.

“Don’t misunderstand,” Lupus added. “We’ll have some occasional soft behavior, even from those who’ve signed our pro-intimidation pledge. We can’t just take a magic wand, wave it over all the students, and make every one of them behave the way we want. But we do know a wizard who can do that. He comes by with the magic wand tomorrow.”

Transyl-vein-ia Hills fillers, bits and bulletins to KILL time

Missing -- Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info.

For Sale -- Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Place your bids at RealNightmares.mon.

Halloween Tree Sprouts Odd Pumpkin -- A typical Halloween tree is hung with gourds of all shapes and sizes, each with a face burned through it. Hundreds of pumpkins, hundreds of grins, hundreds of flickering lights behind those grins. One such pumpkin hanging from one such tree in Transyl-vein-ia Pines grew large and round on a giant, overhanging branch, and the face that burned through the shell came in the form of a hashtag and several letters: #ThisHalloween’sGonnaBeSoLit.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with -- Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who also likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon.

Got Web? -- Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning web in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create big expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Electricity Fun Fact -- The average Transyl-vein-ia Hills citizen uses just 6,000,000,000 joules of energy (approximately six bolts of lightning) every stormy night for creature creations. How much do you use?

Looking for Spook with House -- Tired of bouncing around. Wanted: Mature ghost who enjoys spooking, wandering halls, playing a dusty old organ, moving candelabras and making scary noises with chains. Hoping to settle down. Candidates must already have house you’re forced to haunt for eternity. Summons me from Hell by ringing a bell.

Werewolf Walker for Hire -- Born and raised in Transyl-vein-ia Hills, now a student at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Crow Fun Fact -- A flock of crows is known as a murder. Can someone say crow party?

Please Fund Me -- Worried about blood misters coming to town and depleting precious blood resources? Afraid portals between human world and monster world will close on Halloween, leaving you or hated ones in the human world? I’m an up-and-coming mad scientist with big, crazy ideas. Send me the money to rent space in the Mad Science District and get equipment of my own. Not one of those scientists with only goals to take over the world. Want to save it first. Donate to my page at Wilma.ThrowMeTheMoney.mon.

Project X House Needed -- Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, preferably one on hilltop against full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in. Trees out front required so ghosts can swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls and menacing crows to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! out of. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.com

Saliva Fun Fact -- Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water, while monster saliva boils humans.

Random Fun Fact -- Fun facts are fun.

Fresh kids brought into Trick-or-Treat Tract to train monsters for Halloween

By Cookie Cuttre

Staff ‘burbs Writer

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- A new batch of kids has been snatched up out of the human world and placed into the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds in Trick-or-Treat Tract for monster training. This pesky group of know-it-alls, according to sources, is said to be less frightened by scary things and more like what monsters can expect come Halloween night.

In years past, the breed of brat brought to the Tract have been frightened too easily, and monsters have gone into the human world with low expectations, thus they’ve had a difficult time making them scream, run and/or pee in their costumes.

“The trick-or-treaters we got this year are state-of-the-art tricksters, up to date on all the latest horror trends, and as mischievous and snarky as all get out,” said Jan, the gorgon at the front desk in the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds office. “Monsters are really gonna have to up their game, but they’ll be thankful when they get into the real human world and are able to handle this new generation of germs.”

The trick-or-treat trials began last night at the Wargrounds. Monsters definitely agree about this year’s youngsters. Most of the ghouls and goblins gave up after just two rounds of pestering by these little jerks, and about two-thirds of the monsters announced they wouldn’t be going into the human world for Halloween after all. They up and called it quits for good.

“These kids today are vicious,” said a boogeyman who wishes not to give his name. “They're not like they used to be. I’m better off staying on Monster Island with bloodthirsty mermaids, skeleton warriors, evil trolls and Kong himself.”

More trick-or-treaters are being dumped into the Tract this afternoon for tonight’s trials. See Jan at the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds office for your chance to get a look at what you’re up against this Oct. 31.

Transyl-vein-ia Hills community thrilled with Pres. Drac’s new blood misters law

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- President Count Dracula has been making his way through all of Transyl-vein-ia, passing ordinances requiring establishments with patios or outdoor areas to install blood misters. Transyl-vein-ia Hills is the next district in line to get the law, following Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and the Mad Science District.

According to a poll, the residents here fully support the president.

“We love the idea and can’t wait to get the refreshing, replenishing blood misters spraying mists of blood all over all of us at our outdoor eateries and malls,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hills native Van Pyre. “It’s good for the environment, too. The blood used in the misters is all natural, organic and totally free of garlic.”

Those in favor of the blood misters were previously against a similar proposal to get the evaporative cooling and drinking systems in outdoor areas. Former President Electrified Creature, during his campaign, promised to bring blood misters to Transyl-vein-ia Hills as a ploy to get the vampire vote, and all of Transyl-vein-ia Hills dismissed it as a ridiculous law, claiming that “blood misters would make a mess of the town.”

“That was different,” Pyre said. “The Electrified Creature isn’t a vampire, so of course we didn’t agree with him.”

When asked if non-vampire residents feel the same way, Pyre said they do because even non-vampires in the area are under some vampire’s spell, so they have to take a vampire’s side.

Little do those like Pyre know, the blood misters law is really a carry-over piece of legislation from the Electrified Creature’s administration, and not the work of President Dracula.

“That can’t be true,” Pyre said. “If it were, we all wouldn’t be in favor of it. But we are in favor of it, so it must be Dracula’s doing.”

No-Care Community Hospital being sued for offering no care to patients

By Cookie Cuttre
Staff ‘burbs Writer 

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- Following news of a mad scientist’s prediction that portals between the human world and the monster world will close on Halloween night, leaving monsters stranded there and unable to return to the monster world, No-Care Community Hospital no-caregivers began dumping patients into portals and leaving them in the human world, and they have plans to leave dozens more, according to a lawsuit filed yesterday.

Families of the patients suing the community hospital on Scream Street said they were aware of the lack of care at the institution when they checked their hated ones in for injuries, illnesses and sicknesses in the heads, but they had no idea the care would be this much in the “no.”

“These monsters played perfectly bad, evil parts in that hospital, terrorizing anything that went in there,” said Sue Err, mother of one of the patients sent to the human world and left there forever. “One of the reasons I filed this lawsuit against these crooks is that we put our sick into No-Care Community Hospital with the idea that there’d be no-caregivers there to give them no care, and now our monsters are somewhere else in the human world getting absolutely no care whatsoever. It’s a total bait and switch.”

Hospital officials claim they’re doing what their contract doesn’t say.

“We have no contract and we offer no care,” said no-caregiver Idon Wory. “Our job is to make these no-way-out patients of ours as mentally deranged and to-the-point-of-no-return as possible. What’s more bad than leaving our sick and twisted in the human world for good? You could say we’ve filled their prescriptions for no way out, and we’ve given them unlimited refills.”

Wory said she’s not stressed about the lawsuit because she doesn’t get worked up about anything. She thinks the claims that portals will close on Halloween is nothing to get uptight about, anyway.

“I think it’s all a conspiracy,” Wory said. “That or someone just wanted to get infamous. You watch -- we’ll have all our patients back in our ‘no care’ in no time, and we’ll be back to offering the state-of-the-art care we don’t provide before we don’t even know it. And I’ll be back to not worrying about these lunatics once again.”

As for the portals closing on Halloween night and never opening again, The Frantic Scientist, who built a time machine and traveled into the future to see this fate, said he’s been hard at work to uncover the cause.

“Monsters, ghosts and others can believe me or not,” Frantic told reporters last night. “Those portals are closing. But I’ve been conducting a number of experiments to figure out why they’ll close, and by doing so I hope to uncover a method to open the portals back up. Look, I want those demented freaks from No-Care back in our world just as much as the next guy.”

The lawsuit against No-Care Community Hospital will go before a crooked judge at the Unjust Courthouse next week. Wory said that no matter what, she and her fellow no-care providers would no doubt be no-shows, and she doesn’t care.

Sport utility vehicle a tasty meal, says common household spider

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- A common household spider in the suburbs of Transyl-vein-ia Hills enjoyed a beat-up teal green sport utility vehicle over the weekend.

The eight-legged freak was the first customer in a line of many to try out the new eatery on Insect Centre Drive called The Junkyard, which offers up everything from tasty motorcycles and vans to mouthwatering sedans and trucks. Already, The Junkyard is gaining a reputation as the best bite in town for giant insects looking for a hearty breakfast, lunch or dinner.

To see the menu, with fresh catches from Hell’s Highway every day, check the Travel Tragedies section of the newspaper for newly crashed vehicles to come.

Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn being used for good, not evil

By The Invisible Man

Contributor to the JLP

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- The rooms in the Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn are meant for mad scientists to conduct work of terror. According to sources, however, some geniuses are using the spaces for good.

As with almost anything that has bad intentions, there will always be monsters out there taking advantage of these tools of evil and using them for rightdoing.

“We stocked the place up with human guests and servants,” said innkeeper H.G. Hell, “who are careless and who meddle, and police who are right down the street who are there to serve, protect and obey, and who also love to meddle. These folks are trained to go up to the rooms to help out, deliver food or to, you know, meddle, and some of our guests are hiding their horrors. They don’t release their terror on these fools. And we can’t help but wonder why not.”

Hell said one of his guests actually offered an employee at the inn a seat in his chamber for dinner because, as he claimed, he was lonely.

“Can you believe that?” Hell said. “In what day and age are we living in when a mad scientist offers perfectly sane kindness? I’m sickened and I’m saddened by the whole stupid affair.”

But do-gooders, such as the one mentioned above, who offered a seat in his chamber to an inn employee for dinner, might just have perfectly bad intentions. One source that wishes to remain anonymous brought up the story of Dr. Frankenstein.

“The media came out with books and movies and news,” the source said, “about how Frankenstein was a scientist trying to do good, and it all just backfired on him with his creation inflicting horror on the whole village. Monsters all over Transyl-vein-ia took these lies and ran with them, claiming Dr. Frankenstein was a fake and a hack. And then they ran him out of town on a rail. But they got Dr. Frankenstein all wrong. He never meant to advance science. His intentions were always to release horror on the village. And guess what? His experiment was a huge success. And he changed monstering for an entire industry.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press talked to some of the humanitarians staying at the Two-Headed Lion’s Head Inn and asked if the media and monsters all over Transyl-vein-ia had gotten them all wrong as they’d done with Frankenstein. One individual we talked to, who offered his entire meal and room to a family very much in need of a good, hearty meal after being left out in the cold for months on end with very little to eat, had this to say:

“No, I intended to be a good mad scientist and share my love with others,” he admitted. “And if you don’t like it, come on up to my room and see what I’ll do to you . . . I’ll invite you in for some lovely crumpets and tea!”

Time traveler claims monsters will be trapped in human world this Halloween

By The Crazed Scientist

Special Events Writer

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- A trip into the future has brought news of trouble this Halloween.

According to The Frantic Scientist, who built a time machine and demonstrated it last night during this week’s Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, monsters who are traveling to the human world this Halloween will be unable to get back following the holiday.

“I went into the future and saw exactly what happens,” Frantic said. “The portals between our worlds do not re-open and cannot be re-opened, and hundreds of thousands of monsters are stuck living with humans forever.”

According to no one else but Frantic, the threat is very, very real. No studies, no research and no second opinions.

“And we’re to believe that that stupid thing with a spinning satellite dish on the back is actually capable of time travel?” asked The Sour Scientist, who was a little more than skeptical when he saw the display and heard the news late last night. “What are we supposed to do, not deploy monsters into the human world for Halloween, pull out all our operatives who are already there, call off All Hallows’ Eve for the first time ever, not scare anyone again? This is ridiculous. Something like this has never happened before, why would it happen now?”

Some rationalize that monsters can simply scare during the early hours of the night on Halloween, and just leave for the monster world before the portals close up for good, as Frantic reported, at 10:30 p.m. STT (Standard Transyl-vein-ia Time).

“Why take a chance?” asked The Turbulent Scientist. “I’ll be able to carry out plenty of my plans by 10:30.”

Frantic argued that all monsters going through the portals at the same time would jam them up, so The Turbulent Scientist’s greed, he said, to conduct her scares for Halloween shouldn’t sway others from acting foolishly.

“Mortals are expected to be foolish,” he said. “We shouldn’t be. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I’ve seen the future and it can’t be altered. It is what it is. A lot of you won’t listen and you’ll be trapped over there. I’ll be here looking for ways to make money off my discoveries. I’ve already got a book deal going, so . . .”

The convention floor has since divided, pitting those hitting the panic button on portal travel up against those calling Frantic’s claims a frantic hoax.

“I mean, look at the guy’s body of work,” The Sour Scientist said. “He’s tried and failed to take over the world over a dozen times. I say we all stick to our current Halloween plans, and show that we don’t buy into this ‘Frantic’ nonsense.”

Frantic later told skeptics not to listen to Sour, who has also, along with everyone else in the room, tried and failed to take over the world well over a dozen times.

“Don’t be Sour,” he yelled. “Be like me -- I’m Frantic. And I’m not panicking here. I’m responding based on real science.”

Frantic tried to take others into the future so they could see for themselves what awaits, but the eyes his time machine uses to navigate through time stopped being able to see and wouldn’t allow him to take other trips.

“I bought these human eyeballs at the local Evil-More Shopping Mart the other day for my machine,” Frantic said, “and it looks like it’s a bad batch. No worries, though, I heard there’s a sale on other eyeballs now. I’ll just run along and get some more.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will keep you posted as this story unfolds. Check in with us again very soon for thrilling updates, gut-wrenching climaxes and the diabolic conclusion.

Robot dance club gets needed reboot

By The Weird Scientist
Staff Tech Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Critics of the Robot Lounge and Dance Club on Doom Drive called the dance moves at the once hot spot tired and predictable, but with new charging stations and update jacks right in the walls and at the tables, there’s been an unsuspected robot uprising there.

Even terminator machines have been going.

“I can’t calculate what my dance partner is gonna do anymore,” said a sweaty, but not winded and certainly fully-charged T-666 who was speaking to the press late last night at the club. “You can bet that each night when I’m return from the past where I’m looking for the leader of the human resistance, I’ll be here at Robot Lounge puttin’ on the moves. And if I start to slow or become a little dull, I simply plug in and get what I need. This place is back, just like me!”

The T-666 was caught doing some dope hand hops, flares, head spins and even the jam boogie on the dance floor.

“Before, we could only do moves like The Sprinkler, The Cabbage Patch, The Lawnmower and, one of my favorites, The Running Man,” said the T-13, another terminator. “We could operate heavy artillery and mimic human life, but we couldn’t do The Moonwalk to save our operating systems. Now I’m a real dancing machine . . . literally!”

According to Robot Lounge officials, robot patrons will also be able to get firmware updates and USB-imported snacks at the bar. You can even get service packs, hot fixes and other goodies with enhanced features, intelligence and new sub-routines, which will be available in the restrooms where you can dump old files in the trash (or recycle bins, depending on your O.S.).

And while robots are thrilled to have a great place to go and play, hackers are already trying to create viruses to infiltrate the lounge’s network.

“A robot uprising is one thing,” said the leader of one mad scientist group in the area looking to take over the world. “An uprising with robots who dare, dream, smile, sing loudly and dance is something totally different.”

President Dracula continues to add controversial blood misters to patios, causes problem at Mad Science store

By The Angry Scientist
Staff Pissed-Off Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- New mandatory blood misters at the Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive have damaged at least 10 pallets of human eyeballs that were put outside the store to be sold starting Monday.

The outdoor display of merchandise was placed there as a promotion for mad scientists who pass by on their way to the Mad Science Convention down the street. The convention, which began on Monday and goes through Friday night, has brought in mad scientists from all over the world.

“It was a no-brainer to put brains and organs and eyeballs out front to lure in customers,” said Evil-More Merchandising Manager Maad Murchent. “We knew mad scientists would be in need of some last-minute things before their presentations at the convention. We wanted merchandise to jump out at them as they drove by. On Monday night, when the eyeballs stopped popping out at passersby, we knew something was up.”

Last week, Count Dracula took the presidential office of Transyl-vein-ia by storm, and his first piece of legislation was an order to install blood misters on patios and in other outdoor areas at Downtown Transyl-vein-ia establishments. The project was met with criticism, as the blood mist immediately began making a bloody mess, according to some.

The President hasn’t budged on his position. He’s extended the legislation to include the required installation of blood misters in the Mad Science District. Evil-More Shopping Mart was one of the first places to get the misters and already, the mad scientist supply shop is having trouble.

“We sold over 200 eyeballs on Monday alone,” Murchent said, “and they’ve all come back. Monsters are saying they put them in their creations, and then when the creations came to life, they were knocking over beaker tables and crashing into gurneys.”

Upon examination of the returned merchandise, Murchent and his RTV clerk determined that the blood mist in the air from the blood misters out in front of the store damaged the eyesight in the eyeballs.

“You see, they don’t see with stained lenses,” Murchent said. “And since these eyeballs don’t have eyelids out there on display, the blood couldn’t be wiped away and it bled into the eyes and permanently damaged them.”

Murchent said his RTV clerk had to send over 300 eyeballs back to the vendor. But they couldn’t even get credit. The vendor told them all sales were final and returned the eyeballs to the store.

“Not only did we incur that loss,” Murchent said, “but we also have customers vowing to never shop at our store again. We gave away tons of free stitches and electrical wire just for the inconvenience. Some scientists said they’d never buy non-organic eyeballs again. We don’t carry organic eyes, so that screws us. Now we’re thinking of looking into organic products, and we all know that stuff’s just a waste of money.”

Even with the loss, President Count Dracula won’t allow Evil-More to shut off their blood misters. The blood must go on, he told them.

So, beginning today, Evil-More Shopping Mart invites one and all to come see the giant sale on aisle 13: Eyeballs for half the price!

Mad Science Convention to showcase over 100 plans to take over the world

By The Crazed Scientist
Special Events Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Tomorrow marks the start of the Annual Mad Science Convention at the Mad Science Convention Center, which will go through Fri., Aug. 18. Mad scientists from all over the globe will be there to show off their plans to take over the world.

Some will show off their proposals using crude models, some will use the actual machinery to carry out their plots and others will explain their ideas by way of elaborate drawings. But all of these maniacs are off their rockers.

“I’ll be executing a trial run of my brilliant scheme using hand puppets,” said the Master of Puppets, a mad scientist who says he and his puppets will one day be in charge. The puppets on his hands went on to say something else, but the high pitch voices were too difficult to make out.

Those who want to catch all the action should arrive at least an hour before the doors open. According to the posters spread around town and several newspaper and magazine ads that were published over the weekend, the convention starts at midnight tonight (technically tomorrow). But the doors won’t open till 1 a.m.

“The problem with this convention -- other than the start time and the time they’ll be opening the doors -- is that all of these plans to take over the world are supposed to be secret,” said convention organizer Mad Scientist. “Too late now, though. As you know, we’ve already made the posters and placed the ads, so we might as well just go through with it. However, we warn you to forget whatever you see there.”

Sherlock Bones Investigations under investigation for investigating with integrity

By Dr. Oddson

Contributor to the JLP

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Sherlock Bones Investigations has been unfairly accused of investigating with integrity. According to sources, there is absolutely no proof of this whatsoever.

Mr. Bones has operated an illegitimate, unsuccessful business for over 100 years, according to several clients, friends and, of course, his own mother.

“I’ve known Bones all his life,” his mom said. “Believe me. He’s a hack. He couldn’t crack his knuckles let alone a case.”

For those reading this who are not of the skeleton kind, let it be known that a skeleton’s primary purpose is to crack bones in a slow, methodical manner so as to scare the pants off others. According to his mother, Bones keeps his limbs crisp and polished at all times and wouldn’t even be physically able to crack his knuckles . . .

This is beside the point. The point, mind you, is that Sherlock Bones has never been accused of possessing powers of keen observation, uncanny memory or spot-on logic and deductions to do any good. He would hurt a fly, though he wouldn’t know it.

“If you remember the Case of the Ant Hill Beneath Our Feet,” said a prominent member of Scotland Yard who wishes to remain nameless since his opinion differs from his superiors, “Mr. Bones was investigating the very building standing atop the hill. If the little details are important to an inspector with integrity, then the ants crawling all over his bony bottoms would’ve been a good clue to ponder.”

But Bones let the evil ants take over the place and devour the 30 or so souls within, and he was a hero for the horror he couldn’t detect.

Nevertheless, Downtown Transyl-vein-ia officials claim he saved a group of hideous monsters who were recently dining out and about to toss back some champagne tainted with poisonous poison.

“It wasn’t even the fun poison,” said Mrs. Dudson, Bones’ landlady who often “spices” up Bones’ tea with a little something-rather, and who knows the difference between poisonous poison and mere dangerous poison. “Yes, those drinks would’ve caused ultimate and glorious doom to the monsters at the table had it not been for Bones’ rather pleasant violin music, which caused the group to shriek. But he had no way of knowing what they were about to drink and that he caused them to skip the sip.

“No, Bones just went on playing that beautiful violin,” Dudson said, “and the group couldn’t take it anymore, so they ended the meeting and adjourned, unbeknownst to him. However, had Bones had any integrity, he would’ve celebrated his victory for having saved the group from their final demise -- he’s such a pompous ass -- and the authorities would’ve taken him away and locked him up right then and there for diverting perfectly good terror. These ridiculous allegations of integrity hold no truth at all.”

Your humble author can attest to this, as I am closest to Mr. Bones. I assure you that Det. Sherlock Bones obtained no data from his proximity in this recent Case of the Poisonous Poison That Wasn’t Had. Sherlock Bones was none the wiser. His mind, in other words, is elementary, my dear reader. Judge him accordingly.