Werewolf wins lottery, shreds reward

By Kim Karslashian

Staff Slice & Dice Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- A werewolf won the $200 million jackpot last night. He shredded the rewards.

“I’m a werewolf,” the werewolf said. “I don’t care about winning or losing. I don’t care about money. I don’t care.”

The lycanthrope said he didn’t even want to buy a scratcher in the first place, though he didn’t mind scratching up a few customers on the way into the Drooling Wolf Liquorice store on Monday for some black licorice, a soda and the clerk. Somehow, in the process, he ended up with the winning ticket.

“I really, honestly don’t care,” the werewolf insisted.

To prove it, he sliced up the cash he won along with the folks who gave him the winnings.

“Money does me no good,” he added. “Whatever I want, I just take. So, yeah, I don’t care.”

When asked if he minded taking a photograph for this story, the werewolf said he didn’t care. Midway into his pose for the pic, he altered course and lunged at the photographer and ate him and the camera. He seemed pleased with his actions.

“I care,” the werewolf said, “When it comes to my work, I have great affection and concern for the craft.”

The werewolf howled at the moon and took off for a bite to eat at the Livestock Café. He said something about having a craving for waiter.