Disposable coffin liners, Drac blood mugs and rocks are must-haves before leaving the Carpathian Mountains

By H. E. L. Hownd

Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- If you’re traveling to the Carpathian Mountains, hopefully you receive the gift of eternal life, some tips on how to romance and trance your victims, and maybe even a few goodies like disposable coffin liners, vampire capes, Dracula blood mugs, books on how to fly when in the form of a bat, blood energy drinks, fang extensions, the “Children of the Night” sound effects/sweet music CD and shirts that say things like, “I gave blood in the Carpathian Mountains and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” There’s nothing like Carpathian dirt to bring home with you. And you shouldn’t forget to get your very own Count Dracula action figure, a replica Drac medallion and some mini vials of blood.

It’s also worth your time to stop by The Count’s Coffin Shoppe in Carpathian Circle to pick out a personalized high-quality therapeutic coffin, lightweight for moving on and off coaches and ships.

The ultimate takeaway from the Carpathian Mountains, however, is a bag of rocks, gems and jewels in the mountains themselves.

“Since there’s no way in this frozen hell that you’ll ever get past the rock monsters up there,” said one of the locals, “there’s one other thing you can do to get the goods: Find the Traveling Jeweler.”

The legend of the Traveling Jeweler has been fading over the years. That’s because no one has ever seen him and most have stopped looking for him. But some say that if you find him, you’ll inherit his fortune. You simply have to give up your soul and trade your life for the Jeweler’s, to roam the snowy Carpathian Mountains forever and ever.

“Yeah, there’s a curse clause in the contract that the Jeweler will make you sign if you want the goods,” said longtime Carpathian Mountains resident Vampira. “You can’t leave the mountains, you’re at constant war with the elements and the rock monsters, and you can’t keep any company. You’re forced to be alone for eternity. I’ve been trying to find the guy for years and make the deal. Some vampires can dream, can’t they?”

The curse, as you’ve probably figured out, is a catch 22. Once you have the fortune, you can’t do anything with it because you’re nowhere near civilization to spend any of it. It’s said that the Jeweler was cursed because he horded his treasures and never shared it with anyone.

“What a fantastic curse,” said a Carpathian Mountains werewolf. “I wouldn’t even want to spend it. Can you imagine having all those gems and jewels to yourself? I’d roll around in it, sleep in it, bathe in it . . . I don’t even like to bathe. But the bottom line is: No one is ever going to find that Traveling Jeweler. We’re all cursed. And not in a good way.”

For those who want to try their luck anyway, go into the mountains and look for an old, hutched-over man dressed in steampunk fashion, sporting a walking stick, massive amounts of jewelry on his wrists and around his neck, an assortment of stuffed potato sacks tied to his body, and a cloth mask and goggles on his face. Be advised: He doesn’t move like an old man. Some think he’s either a super monster or a ghost because he scales the mountains in leaps and bounds. He’s quick and he’s quiet as can be.

Seriously, you’re never gonna find him. You’ll freeze to death in those mountains in a matter of hours. It’s best you just drop by the Carpathian Mountains Souvenir Store in Carpathian Circle and get yourself the next best thing to all those priceless rocks, gems and jewels, and that’s some authentic Carpathian Mountain Rock Candy, made with real melted glacier ice, sediment and rock monster saliva. The only curse you’ll receive is an empty wallet—that candy costs $10.27 a bag, and you’ll want at least three-dozen cases.