End of world is near, locals welcome it

By ‘Hard Luck’ Lou Zerr

Staff Schlub Writer

SHADOW CITY -- Mad scientists finally have definitive proof that the end of the world is coming, and denizens of Shadow City are thrilled.

The portals between the monster world and the human world will, in fact, close on Halloween night, according to evil geniuses, leaving hundreds of thousands of monsters stranded in the human world and the rest of the monster world without purpose (no more humans to scare), and President Count Dracula’s blood misters have made their way into Shadow City, even though, according to other maniacal masterminds, the artificial blood used to cool down and refresh monsters who are exposed to it actually has serious health effects (mainly death).

“Bring it on,” said one loser down at the Piers who couldn’t even recall his own name. “Hey, we’re ruined here on a nightly basis, so this kind of misfortune is nothing new to us.”

Other has-beens, duds and failures have actually been talking about doing a feast and a parade on Halloween night to celebrate “The End.”

“We’re gonna have booths and games and rides and a big parade to celebrate the upcoming tragedies,” said Noah Luckatall, president of the Feast of The End. “But, let’s face it, our committee is made up of bums, no-goods and lowlifes -- we screw up pretty much everything -- so we’ll end up falling short and it’ll end up being a waste of time in the end.”

But in the end it’ll be the end, so it doesn’t really matter anyway, does it?

“No, not really,” Luckatall told reporters. “Except, with our luck, it won’t be the end and we’ll have to survive it all just so we can suffer the consequences of yet another failure.”

Those looking to grieve catastrophe in a big way on Halloween night should head over Hard Luck Lane around 8 p.m. Any deadbeat is welcome.