It's almost time for that time again, kids

THE HUMAN WORLD -- President Count Dracula's blood misters will cause the portals between the monster world and the human world to close on Halloween night, leaving monsters stranded in the human world forever.

Will monsters, in fact, be stuck here for good? Will there be scares year-round? Will the humans have to build more housing for monsters and give up jobs to vampires, werewolves and ghouls?

The clock is ticking . . . It's almost time to find out . . . 

Tonight's the big night . . .

Click here for the horrorthon . . .

And remember the big giveaway at 9. Don't miss it. And don't forget to wear your Silver Shamrock masks. The clock is ticking. It's almost time.

Happy Halloween from your friends at Jack-o'-Lantern Press! We hope to find you back here again on Aug. 1, 2018, for another Halloween season of monster news and entertainment.

Monsters pick favorite Halloween movies

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

THE HUMAN WORLD -- As monsters in the human world prepare for the big night tomorrow, we at Jack-o’-Lantern Press asked hundreds of them to take time out of the busy scare schedules to share with us some of their favorite Halloween movies and videos. The response was monstrous.

After a detailed poll, the results are in, and we found that many of the same titles kept coming up. Keep in mind: This is a monster’s list.

“We came up with a top five list,” said Vide Odrome, a diabolical invader who conducted our survey. “The five movies that came up most are the movies that made this list. But we included some of the other films that were mentioned quite a bit around the ones every monster loves.”

There’s one movie that monsters seem to like most as the Halloween season begins in August. It’s a monster movie. A big one. Two monster titans going head to head in the 1943 Universal classic, “Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.” Many monsters were bummed with the ending, since both monsters are destroyed in an explosion, so the two sequels that followed, “House of Frankenstein” (1944) and “House of Dracula” (1945), are quite popular and are often binge watched together. A couple other classics in a similar vein that came up were “The Alligator People” (1959), “Man Made Monster” (1941), “The Invisible Man” (1933) and “House on Haunted Hill” (1959), along with some of the more obvious Universal classic monster classics.

But the second movie on the list really packs in the monsters. Monsters that have diverse backgrounds liked this one because creatures from all backgrounds, shapes and sizes are here, from zombies and demons to werewolves and vampires. “Scooby-Doo! and the Goblin King” (2008) is an exceptional docu-drama about the lives of pretty much every monster you can think of on Halloween night. Other fun similar movies are “Hotel Transylvania” (2012), “Hotel Transylvania 2” (2015), “Mad Monster Party?” (1967), “Dear Dracula” (2012) and, of course, “Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993).

The third movie on the list was certainly a crowd favorite, and the end of the story offers hope for a monster revival that’s enough to raise the roof of any monster movie house. “Goosebumps” (2015) was on the tops of so many monsters’ lists. Other movies in this camp of fun monster romps include “The Monster Squad” (1987), “Monster Island” (1987), "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein" (1948), “The Return of the Living Dead” (1985), “Gremlins 2” The New Batch” (1990), “Matinee” (1993) and “The ‘burbs” (1989).

The fourth movie on the list is quickly becoming every monster’s No. 1. It’s the monsters’ version of the human world’s “A Christmas Story” on Christmas. It’s “Trick ‘r Treat” (2007), and monster families that come together during the Halloween season often gather around their TVs to watch this one about Halloween traditions to get a feeling of pride and belonging. Monsters who love this movie brought up other favorite horror anthologies, including “Creepshow” (1982), “Nightmares” (1983), “Twilight Zone: The Movie” (1983), “Tales of Halloween” (2015), “Body Bags” (1993), "V/H/S" (2012) and -- somehow this came up a lot -- “Amazon Women on the Moon” (1987).

For the fifth and most favorited movie of all, we come to the one that everything seemed to agree on, one that stars one of the most popular monsters of all time, one that says Halloween and Halloween tradition more than almost any other Halloween movie, one that gives that Halloween feel you want on Halloween: It’s “Halloween” (1978). And if you’re watching that, you must also watch “Halloween II” (1982) and “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” (1982). Other favorites in this camp include “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (1974), “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” (1984) and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” (1984).

“What’s missing from this list,” Odrome said, “are the Hammer horror films like 'The Curse of Frankenstein,' 'The Mummy,' 'The Gorgon' and 'Horror of Dracula,' fun ones like ‘Hocus Pocus’, ‘Ernest Scared Stupid,’ ‘Young Frankenstein’ and ‘Elvira’s Haunted Hills,’ gore fests like ‘Bad Taste,’ ‘Dead Alive,’ ‘Army of Darkness’ and 'Grindhouse,' the Val Lewton classics like 'I Walked with a Zombie' and 'Cat People,' and the Italian horror thrillers like 'Black Sunday' and 'Suspiria.' Then there are monster moviemaker movies like 'Ed Wood' and 'Gods and Monsters,' creature features like 'King Kong,' 'Them!' and 'Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,' and that's just to name a few. But we talked to the first monsters that attacked us on the street, and this is what we got. Regardless of which ones are in your top five, we think our five should be brought into every tomb, swamp, haunted house and evil forest to be enjoyed during this time of year.”

Share some of your favorite Halloween flicks in the comments below. We’ll be waiting.

Headless Horseman may never return to monster world

By Icabod Crane

Contributor to the JLP

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- The Headless Horseman is optimistic about making his annual trip into the human world’s Sleepy Hollow via the portal found in Headless Horseman Bridge in Pumpkin Hollow between the monster world and the human world, while at the same time publicly acknowledging what has been obvious for some time, that he might never return.

According to mad scientists, all portals between the monster world and the human world will close for good on Halloween, the night that Headless will ride through Sleepy Hollow and chase some poor soul to his or her doom.

“We don’t know what the future holds,” Headless’s agent said, “but we do know this: If the portal doesn’t open back up to the monster world, then that means Headless will finally be able to ride through that covered bridge and finish what he sets out to do every October 31st. He’ll be able to ride through the bridge and not get sucked into the portal, and he’ll finally get the head he so desires to replace the pumpkin head on his shoulders now -- no offense to pumpkin heads.”

While Headless seems more than thrilled about the idea of the portals closing so he can get his head, once he does get it, he’ll have to remain in the human world forever, which is not ideal, especially since it’ll be difficult to hide among so many humans, unless he conceals himself in the trunk of a tree like the horseman did in that fictitious Tim Burton movie about a headless horseman that is in no way related to the real one.

Headless was peppered with questions during a news conference this morning, and he kept repeating the same thing.

“Mrrah ha ha ha ha ha!” he said over and over again.

At the end of the conference, the goblin rider rose in his stirrups and hurled his head at all the fake news organizations in attendance, excluding this fake news source. Everyone fled the scene, and on and around the chairs were found reporter’s notebooks and writing utensils, audio recorders and --  you guessed it -- a shattered pumpkin. And what a waste of a perfectly good pumpkin.

Skeleton accused of stealing Halloween magic from Jack-o’-Lantern Tree

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- Yesterday around noon, a lone skeleton in his mid 200s allegedly found the Jack-o’-Lantern Tree, stole some of its Halloween magic, got into a red PT Cruiser and left. Sources said they couldn’t determine if any magic was, in fact, taken, but claimed it’s possible. Reports of a skeleton cruising around in the described vehicle have been made all morning.

Crows suspected of scarecrow hit and run just outside Scarecrow Square

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- At midnight last night, a scarecrow on the outskirts of Scarecrow Square was attacked by crows. The suspects are said to be black in color, stout with strong bills and legs. Damages were the scarecrow’s left arm, his straw hat, a button eyeball and his corncob pipe.

Another Pumpkin Hollow owl finds another perfect perch for Halloween

By Archimedes

Contributor to the JLP

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- She found her new Halloween spot in the low 500s. With a spectacular view of all those who pass by below and through the Hollow, her perch is the perfect place to hoot her warning to those who shouldn’t be heading where they’re headed.

Ophellia Owl’s six-story oak offers deep enough knots in its trunk to store over 150 volumes, from her Jack Ryan novels to her prized autographed edition of “Skipping Christmas” by John Grisham. For the season, the perch below her branch has been stocked with a pumpkin spice-flavored owl on her perfect perch.

Pumpkin Hollow owl finds perfect perch for Halloween

By Archimedes

Contributor to the JLP

JACK-O’-LANTERN PARK -- It’s the spot she occupied last Halloween. The same spot from the Halloween before that. With a spectacular view of all those who pass by below and through the Hollow, her perch is the perfect place to hoot her warning to those who shouldn’t be heading where they’re headed.

Olivia Owl’s six-story oak offers deep enough knots in its trunk to store over 150 volumes, from her Mark Twain books to her prized autographed edition of “The Joy Luck Club” by Amy Tan. For the season, the trail running below her branch has been stocked with pumpkin spice-flavored travelers on horseback.

Aliens seen this morning

By Evi Dent

Staff Writer of the Obvious

UFO SPRINGS -- A group of aliens were seen early this morning before the sun came up over UFO Springs. There were some extra-terrestrials at the mini mart near Rover’s Hill, too. And more at the gas station across the street. A whole parking lot of alien families at the Martian Drive-In. This is UFO Springs -- aliens are everywhere.

Group of UFOs spotted in the sky

By Evi Dent

Staff Writer of the Obvious

UFO SPRINGS -- A group of UFOs were seen last night flying over UFO Springs. Then again, aren’t they always?

Stage Roar Canteen still best place for G.I.s to find big bands and bad food

By W. W. Tu

Staff Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces Writer

UFO SPRINGS -- Dracula served the drinks, Frankenstein’s Monster and The Bride provided the electric atmosphere, the Invisible Man told the jokes, and Klaris the Mummy crooned with his Klarisketeers. The place is the Stage Roar Canteen over the hill from Old MacDonald’s Farm near one of the first ever saucer landing sites at Area 13 in UFO Springs, and at one time, Transyl-vein-ia’s biggest stars served zombies and mutants of Transyl-vein-ia’s Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces headed off to war against alien invaders.

G.I.s enjoyed war, but sometimes they needed a break from battle. And so the Stage Roar Canteen offered a welcome opportunity to discover all new anxieties.

“The food alone was a terror,” said Chef Army Sludgeflinger. “A zombie typically eats one thing -- brains. But brains could be found anywhere on the battlefield. That’s why we in the Canteen kitchen had to provide something a little different, you know, to show how much we appreciated the efforts of the Forces.”

In war, zombie G.I.s feasted on brains contaminated with dirt, UFO fuels, shrapnel and other foreign objects, therefore, Chef Sludgeflinger and his cooking staff concocted new brain recipes to include rare poisons, mold and spores on top of the other pollutants.

For the mutant G.I.s who, unlike the zombies in their units, weren’t so much into brains, Sludgeflinger served an alien slurry dish -- with a variety of waste containing dangerous chemicals, heavy metals, radiation, deadly pathogens and toxins -- that was literally “out of this world.”

“We couldn’t get enough of the stuff,” said Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces Gen. Gore S. Patton, Retired. “I’m a mutant, and on occasion even I’d have the brains. And I had zombies in some of my units that had the alien slurry. We didn’t care. We ate whatever they dumped on our tables. The Stage Roar Canteen had the worst entertainment, and the bad food made it that much more displeasing. It was a great time.”

Other menu items included:

-Alien Whiz Soup (so bad you can taste it)

-Glowing Green Salad (best with the lights out)

-Black Iron-Seared Liver and Lungs (onions optional)

-House Spaghetti (brains passed off as pasta)

-Shepherd’s Pie (with real shepherds)

Today, many years after the alien invasions, the Stage Roar Canteen serves these same dishes as a way to remember the bad ol’ days of fine war and nasty, lethal meals. The folks at the Canteen also present the best in big band performances of the day, with low-class acts from Goon Miller and his band, Benny Badman, Artie Ahhh! and Alien “Puke” Ellington. On occasion, you’ll see monsters still dancing the Lindy Flop, the Critterbug and the Balboa Constrictor.

To make reservations at the Canteen, simply go to the nearest Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces recruiter and enlist.

Old MacDonald’s Farm once a hot spot for UFO crashes

By Grover Mill

Contributor to the JLP

UFO SPRINGS -- At one time, Old MacDonald’s Farm was the No. 1 site for UFO landings in any world, if you want to call what they did “landings.”

Before that, corn, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, squash and other produce grew there for decades under the stewardship of longtime farmer Old MacDonald. The old man also had chicks, ducks, turkeys, pigs, cows, cats, mules, dogs and a turtle that actually went nerp, nerp until the late 1940s/early 1950s when UFOs began making contact with his property.

“The first encounter on that really starry night really scarred up my land, taking with it a lot of my crops,” MacDonald said. “I’ll admit I was more than t’ed off in the beginning, but then happily surprised with what I eventually discovered.”

Turns out, the saucers that were crash landing, hovering over and abducting the animals there were, in effect, mutating the farm life.

“You have no idea what them there space critters were doing for my business,” MacDonald said. “All of a sudden, monsters, gremlins, zombies and the like had appetites for my produce, which now glowed green. And my animals were fun to be around with their glowing personalities. No more was there a quack, quack here and chick, chick there. I don’t even know what sounds were comin’ out their faces, but they sure well scared away them werewolves and made them that much more fun at parties and monster get-togethers.”

UFOs continued to decimate MacDonald’s Farm over the years, and business kept booming. Alien crafts wiped out portions of the barn, scarred the ground permanently and contaminated the grounds with a menu of radioactive isotopes and toxic chemicals. But extraterrestrials stopped crashing and abducting animals there back in 2010, causing the worst radiation drought the area has seen.

“My crops and animals are dependent upon that toxic waste,” MacDonald said at the time. “If we don’t have some encounters here and but soon, we’ll cease to be a relevant source of terror around these parts.”

In early 2017, a wave of alien saucers flew off course and royally smacked down onto MacDonald’s farm, causing not only a fire in the sky, but one that torched MacDonald’s farm house. It was a welcome relief, to the point where MacDonald said he felt the drought was over.

“Seven years is a long time for no radiation,” said Jordy Verrill in response. Verrill, who’s an expert on the subject, added, “Heck, most of the crops and animals have gone back to being safe. I’d say MacDonald needs a lot more radiation on his farm from saucers before he can start feeling at ease.”

Regardless of the dangers at the site, Old MacDonald’s Farm continues to be a fun place to visit. While the “Caution: Radiation Area” tape has long since been removed, guests will still be able to take walking tours through the old barn, which could collapse at any time (if you’re lucky), play in ground scars made by downed UFOs (the ones with standing water where swimming is allowed may or may not continue to be bio-hazardous) and climb aboard crashed saucers with extraterrestrial bodies to dissect (if there’s anything left of them by the time you get there).

To plan your exciting visit, go to OldMacDonaldHadAnAlienFarm.mon.

UFO Springs sandwich shop erupts into Armageddon when demons take too long to order salad for Satan

By Tak Metoyorleedr

Staff Unidentifieds Writer

UFO SPRINGS -- Some demons on their way through town yesterday swung by the Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop in Podtown and began flinging flames at the extraterrestrials behind the counter and in line when they didn’t receive the customer service they felt they deserved.

After a weekend of partying at a blues festival in the Black Lagoon, where the popular Spooks of Dixieland cancelled their act due to one of the members coming down with a cold, the demons reportedly came into the place with three-pronged forks to grind.

“They were mean right when they came through the door,” said a reptiloid eating in the restaurant at the time the demons arrived. “It wasn’t the normal meanness you’d expect from a demon. It was something else. They were just inconsiderate buttholes.”

According to a number of patrons, the evil beasts tracked soot into the establishment when they came in, they snatched up more than their fair share of napkins -- not leaving much left for anyone else -- they melted the condiment table, and they were rude to the humanoid taking their orders behind the counter.

“They came in all entitled or something, like we all owed them something because they paid to see the Spooks of Dixieland over the weekend and didn’t get to see them and didn’t get a refund either,” said the humanoid behind the counter, who wishes to remain the anonymous human she was replicating at the time this all went down. “They weren’t ready to order, they held up the line, and then they wanted all these special substitutions.”

One customer caught most of the ordeal in a recording on his phone.

In the video, the demons are seen coming into the sandwich shop in a hurry. Then they cut in line, only to stop to figure out what they’re going to order. The lead demon takes out his smartphone and speaks into it:

“Hey, Siri, call Satan . . . Yo, Sate, we’re picking up salads. Want anything? . . . Uh huh . . . Italian chopped . . . Fat-free dressing . . . OK. Extra onion . . . No garbanzo beans . . . Add sprouts instead . . . K. Anything to drink? . . . Diet Dr. Pepper with no ice . . . Got it. See you in ten . . . Huh? . . . Yeah, it kinda sucked. Spooks of Dixieland cancelled . . . No, we’re in line now . . . They can wait, we’re regular customers here, so we’re good for it . . . Ha ha. Yeah . . .”

The call goes on for another five minutes before the demon hangs up and finishes his order, which includes a bunch of complicated substitutions and ridiculous special “off-the-menu” requests. Then their salads come out and one of the demons notices that they don’t have deviled eggs in them. That’s when, in the video, all hell breaks loose.

The recording ended there. But eyewitnesses said the lead demon complained to the employee that took the order, claiming he specifically asked for deviled eggs, even though everyone else stated no such request was made. The demon demanded to speak to the employee’s supervisor, threatening to contact corporate about her horrible customer service, and kept repeating how he and his demon pals were regular customers “since forever” and deserved respect.

The employee’s supervisor came out and asked the demon clan what had happened.

“What happened is your employee is calling me a liar,” the lead demon reportedly said. “I asked for deviled eggs on all our salads, and none of us got a one. And your employee here is calling me a liar, saying I never asked for deviled eggs like I said I did. Hasn’t she ever heard of ‘The customer is always right’?”

“We don’t go in for that policy here,” the supervisor said. “What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. And just because you’re an idiot and forgot to order deviled eggs doesn’t mean you have to get all stupid.”

“We’re demons,” the demon said. “Of course we want deviled eggs.”

“And we’re aliens,” the supervisor said. “Just because we can read your minds, doesn’t mean we’re gonna give you what you’re thinking you want. We go by what you actually order.”

“You know what?” the lead demon said. “Now I want all these salads on the house. Take me to your leader.”

“That’s my line,” the supervisor replied. “I’m supposed to be the one asking to be taken to your leader.”

After a few more minutes of arguing, the supervisor decided to simply melt the demon’s mind with her thoughts.

The other demons got real defensive and began lighting the place on fire with their fingers. The small eatery went into flames, causing a s’mores eruption as the marshmallow-like aliens in the restaurant caught fire, proving once and for all that their skin does, in fact, consist of a soft sugary substance.

Before the demons could get away with their salads without paying, the store’s loss prevention employee, a xenomorph queen, caught them at the door and opened up a can of whoop ass on them.

The demons were later abducted by other aliens out front and detained for questioning in a UFO, only to be bailed out by Satan an hour later.

According to a representative of Satan, the fallen angel is embarrassed for the way his underlings behaved and allegedly apologized for all demonkind. The representative then begged to let his boss pay for damages to the store and promised to punish the demon clan as only Satan can punish those who deserve it.

The Crop Stop Sandwich and Salad Shop will be back open for business in two weeks. Until then, you can satisfy your sandwich and salad needs over at Little Green Men’s Leafy Greens Stand down the street.

Jason adds Valley of Doom to Friday the 13th farewell tour

By Mac Hete

Staff Home Slice Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- It wouldn’t be a trip to the desert without a visit to the center of the desert.

Several uninhabited barren spots in the Valley of Doom are only a few Transyl-vein-ia landmarks that slasher psycho Jason will stop by during his Friday the 13th farewell tour.

“He’ll be talking to fans and signing autographs,” said his mother and agent, Pamela. “And then he’ll be done forever. The end, the final chapter, he goes to Hell for good . . . He will die! But don’t worry -- he’ll be back in another, even more final farewell tour next Friday the 13th for a new beginning. He will live again!”

Other spots on Jason’s tour include Quicksand Ranch, Motel 666 on Hell’s Highway, The Oasis in Tombtown and the Monster Mountain Mine on Monster Mesa. He’ll also stop by other landmarks outside of the Valley of Doom. For a detailed tour list of landmarks in Transyl-vein-ia, go to Jason’s official tour site at CutAboveTheRest.mon.

If you plan on seeing Jason, be advised: the famous slasher psycho will not be signing DVDs or hockey masks. He’ll be signing limbs only. And he’ll be signing them with his steel imported Gerber Gator machete wielding a 15-inch blade on one side and an 18-inch high performance saw blade on the other. Be prepared to run. He likes the chase.

Fat Jack wants to see you

By Skinny Ginny

Staff Fat & Skinny Things Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- The infamous slasher psycho Fat Jack doesn’t like to leave Fat Jack Manor off Hell’s Highway. He likes his food to come to him.

But motorists haven’t been breaking down in front of his place lately, needing his help with a tire iron or a landline because there’s no cell service in his parts of the Valley. Salesmonsters aren’t knocking on his door anymore and detectives have left the old place alone since it’s been quiet for quite some time. We didn’t even bother taking a trip out to the manor to interview him for this story.

“Please, someone just stop by for a bite,” the fat man told us over the phone. “I’ve got Twinkies, Little Debbie Cakes and an aged hunk of human cadaver I’ve been saving for just the right occasion.”

It’s times like these that force Jack to take to the streets in search of something different for his taste palette.

“There’s only so much cake and sugar a carnivore like me can stand,” the ballooning crazed killer said. “Last year, there was this group of punk kids meddling around in my house, breaking stuff, carving their names in my walls and such, and I was in one of my food comas, unable to get up. They found me, threw a bunch of trash at me, kicked my stomach, called me a fat ass. You know how much I hate being called fat. It does something to me. But I never was able to catch up with them. Maybe it’s time to don the ol’ warpath cloak, fire up the Fat Jack mobile, find those fools and carve me up some jackass wings.”

We spoke to FJ last week for this story and, as of last night, he still hadn’t made it out of his living room, according to some images from one of our satellites, which can actually spot his large body mass from space. We’re thinking he’s going to hold off on his mission to “Jack” up those vandals until after October 31.

“Halloween is my favorite holiday,” he said. “It’s when trick-or-treaters come right to my door. Except the trick every time is that the treat is always mine.”

Chupacabra dish is for suckers

By Capa Chubra

Staff Strange Breeds Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- It’s more than a tasty meal. 

Chupacabra dishes in these parts are always desired, especially since some travel miles of the desert  with no food or water, and are in need of nourishment.

If you’re in the Valley of Doom, here’s all you need to prepare a chupacabra meal that you’ll scream for.

INGREDIENTS:

We’ll get to this shortly.

DIRECTIONS:

Go to an open area in Chupacabra Village.

You’ll need something to contain the catch. Dig a six-foot-deep bowl in the ground. Then coat the hole with barbecue sauce (blood works, too).

Gather as much dead wood and dry woody debris as possible, and stack it in a big pile near your hole. Light the pile on fire. (This will signal an army of those goatsuckers.)

Take off your clothes and climb into the hole.

HERE ARE THOSE INGREDIENTS WE SAID WE'D GET TO:

You’re it!

Chupacabra will be there shortly to enjoy the dish. Didn't we tell you that you’d scream for it?

Hell Driver now making pick-ups at El Diablo Truck Stop

By Tulayne Blaktop

Staff Roads Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- Hell Driver used to pick off motorists on the highway. Now he’s picking them up.

His new ride-hail service is now available to those looking for sweet, sweet revenge, and you can climb aboard his death black ’55 Chevy at El Diablo Truck Stop along Hell’s Highway and go after those scumbags that did you wrong.

“Anyone who’s ever been run off the road by decrepit oil tanker trucks or murderous Lincoln Continentals knows there’s nothing you in your non-possessed Plymouth Valiant are gonna do about it,” said Holden Agrudge, a former motorist who lost a road rage battle with a crazed blood-red Plymouth Fury back in the 1980s. “Now I’m back from the grave, except this time I’m riding shotgun with Hell Driver.”

Those who can’t stay ahead of their evil pursuers in their souped-up set of wheels can now take comfort in knowing that, with Hell Driver in his flaming hot ride, you too can move at unearthly speeds.

“You too can be unstoppable,” Agrudge said. “No cop, no crash, no fire will leave you stranded on the side of the road. Instead, you can go after those bastards that took you out in life. Revenge is a dish best served under your tires.”

Slip into the upholstered seats colored diabolic red (yes, that’s an official, patented color), grab hold of the “Oh Crap!” handle and hang on. Before you know it, you’ll be running down those who have it coming to them, sending them careening into the flames whence they came for all of eternity.

“There’s always enough retribution to be dealt,” said Hell Driver, who sat down with Jack-o’-Lantern Press to discuss his new enterprise. The demon wheeler, bearing an uncanny resemblance to a decaying Charles Bronson, is more than thrilled to offer aid to those in their rise to vigilantism. “It’s time for some payback. Being a wheelman on these highways for as long as I’ve been, I know personally that there are some sons-o’-bitches out there that deserve to be punished. But there’s a price to be paid for my services.”

Ride with Hell Driver long enough, collect a good share of kill marks on the front fender (and bodies in the vehicle's bottomless trunk), and you’ll soon find yourself in the driver’s seat.

“That’s right,” Hell Driver said. “The doors lock on you for good, and there’s no need to own your own set of keys. The car never shuts off. You’re doomed to be on the road forever, releasing me from my curse, cursing and screwing you forever, a sweet, devilish revenge in and of itself.”

Already there’s a long, long line of those waiting for the privilege to take over the position. See El Diablo at El Diablo Truck Stop to add your name to the list.

Valley of Doom desert parking structure project in the works

By Red Iculous

Staff Stupidity Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- As those visiting and frequenting the desert continue to have trouble finding parking, Valley of Doom City Councilmonsters are finalizing plans to build a 13-story (not including the 13 stories below ground), 6,660-space parking structure and pedestrian bridge to the barren landscape.

The project, to be located in the center of the desert at the corner of desert and more desert, is said to be the answer to parking problems that have been going on for years.

“Monsters come here to the desolate, arid wasteland of the Valley of Doom to roam, get lost, run out of water and burn to a crisp,” said Valley of Doom Mayor Bo N’dry. “But so many of these adventure-seekers are arriving and finding that our little parking lot is completely full.”

For over 100 years, as the desert has become increasingly busier, the council has toiled with the idea of adding other parking lots.

“We kept running into the same problem,” said Valley of Doom City Councilmonster Desi O. Lett. “There was just no place to put another lot. No matter where we tried to build, we kept running into the desert. The only thing we could do was build up. So that’s how this project came into being.”

The parking structure has been in the works for the last three decades. According to Mayor N’dry, it’s the Valley of Doom sun that’s cooked city planners’ brains, so it’s taking a little longer than they’d hoped.

After last night’s Planning Commission meeting where commissioners approved the final design of the structure, the project is now set to go before the council in November for final approval, and it will finally be put on the fast track for completion.

“We already wrote up the contract for the company doing the work,” Mayor N’dry said. “We’ll officially approve the project in a few weeks, and we’ll begin construction on top of our current parking lot in the next six to 10 years.”

Residents sounded off about the plan during a public hearing last week. One individual was concerned that, since the new parking structure will be built on top of the current parking lot, which is the only lot in the land, there will literally be no parking at all in the Valley of Doom.

“What are we going to do, park right on top of the desert?” asked Noe Organs, a skeleton who commutes from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia to the Valley of Doom five nights a week for work.

According to the mayor, folks like Organs won’t have to worry. The Valley of Doom City Council is working with other Transyl-vein-ia districts to build parking lots in neighboring jurisdictions so that those going into the Valley will be able to park out there, and then pick up a shuttle into the desert.

“We’re beginning talks on that now,” N’dry said. “We should be able to come to an agreement within the next 15 to 20 years, assuming the sun doesn’t get any hotter, which it’s been doing, and assuming it doesn’t cook our planners’ brains any more, which has also been the case. We’re hopeful anyway.”

The Blues Lagoon offers the best blues and ooze in the bayou

By Crocodiles Davis

Staff Ragslime Music Writer

BLACK LAGOON -- If you’ve made it this far in Transyl-vein-ia -- into the heart of the Black Lagoon -- then chances are you’ve got flying frog monsters on your tail and they’re gaining on you.

Take this opportunity to sit down at the Blues Lagoon blues lounge in the Stench Quarter and let your pursuers catch up.

“The terror is much more exciting when it’s in your face -- or faces, depending on your orientation,” said ragslime musician Louis Fangstrong. “Order yourself a poison sumac julep and listen to some of the best ragslime and blues bands the monster world has to offer.”

Star performers like Snarley Parker, Frizzy “The Werewolf” Gillespe, B.B. King Kong, Fret Baker, Sarah Vein, John “The Moleman” Moletrain, Billie Horrorday, Dexter Gore-don and Charles Fungus are some of the headliners at the bar. You can listen to disturbing music and enjoy Cajun-style insects and sludge gumbo. But it’s the atmosphere that matters most.

“It’s dusty, yet dank, dangerous and full of terror traps,” said loungekeeper Comin Forabite. “If the flying frog monsters don’t catch up with you, the horrors in here will finish the job.”

The Blues Lagoon is best known for celebrating the deceased (usually after becoming deceased right there in the bar). On hand for these grand occasions, along with the enemies and families of the deceased, is a special, mobile jazz band that for such an occasion sounds uncomfortably haunting. And as a skeleton reverend says, “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, we’re sure glad this poor soul couldn’t stay here with us,” the snare drum player takes the handkerchief out of his snare, which serves as a cue for all the congregation and the band to form into one line and march to the back of the hall and into the cemetery out back, and sing, “Oh, Didn’t He Ramble Into One Big Mess.”

Usually, upon arriving in the cemetery, folks figure that since the deceased is dead and gone, there just isn’t any sense in not celebrating the loss of the poor soul, so the band really gets into it and the congregation usually breaks into dance.

“It’s really quite something to experience, especially if you’re the one that’s deceased,” Forabite said. “Once in the graveyard, there are all kinds of other pitfalls to fall in, and before you know it, there are usually two or three more celebrations. Here at the Blues Lagoon, it’s not just a funeral. It’s a nightly tradition. And we just can’t get enough of it. As you’d imagine, we’re known for knocking off our guests.”

In fact, the Blues Lagoon was awarded Deadliest Bar in the Quarter 10 years in a row.

Speaking of deadly, here come those flying frog monsters now. Better make a run for it. Don’t trip over any of the obstructions hiding under that fog bed that just came conveniently rolling in. But since the band is already here . . .