Staff Alien Abductions
Writer
Want
to do well in the 17th Annual Earthling Abduction Tournament this weekend?
Alien Day on April 26 is fast-approaching and the abduction tournament this weekend is another indication that the big day is almost here. Experts
from Humans In The Light, a professional abducting resource, revealed a few hidden
tournament secrets that will push you past the competition.
“Abducting
is not an escape from life,” said Humans In The Light President Ross Well, “but
often a deeper immersion into it. The most powerful tool you have to catch
humans is being in the right state of mind.”
According
to Well, if you keep worrying about how an E.T. in another valley is doing,
you’re going to be seriously off your game.
“It’s
not just your own problems that can interfere with your abducting,” Well said.
“Fellow competitors are only too happy to mess with your head.”
Maybe
you’ve had a great pre-abduction and you figure you can put 4,000 to 6,000
pounds in the saucer, no problem. You’ve been pitching Americans and landing
Brits. Life is good. Until you reach the space station.
“You’re
walking across the bridge,” Well said, “toward your planetary rover, and you spot
one of your competitors in the wipe-down area. Worse yet, he spots you. He asks
how you did. You tell him you wrangled in 8,000 pounds. Of course, he’s gonna
tell you he pulled in 10,000. Rule No. 1: Abductors lie, especially to other
abductors.”
Well
suggests you not focus on the competition at claw. Instead, he reminds all
aliens to envision a good time.
“After
all, that’s what abducting is about, not the number of humans you’ve
tractor-beamed to your saucer,” Well said.
According
to Litesover Phoenix, a lower-level representative of Humans In The Light,
doing well in a tournament means understanding humans and familiarizing
yourself with tournament environments.
“The
better an abductor can understand his or her quarry,” Phoenix said, “the better
or more successful he or she will be at catching it.”
According
to Phoenix, the most important factor when human abducting is understanding how
humans react to changing conditions and how they use their senses (taste, feel,
sight, smell, etc.).
If
it’s cold, humans tend to stay indoors. If it’s warm, they tend to be out an
about. So go to where it’s warm, Phoenix said.
Also
note that humans eat three times a day -- in the morning, around noon and at
night. So go to where the food can be found at times when the humans should be
feeding, but don’t go to populated areas or you risk scaring them away or
worse, you risk nuclear warfare when human governments find out we truly exist.
“Hit
up those way out-of-the-way In-N-Out Burger joints,” Phoenix said. “Those places
are swarming with schools of humans, and due to the fact that you're in the middle of nowhere, you’ll have the necessary time to get people into your craft before
any word gets out to the authorities. The burgers at those places are good, too.”
Other
experts suggest establishing patterns, setting goals, learning the difference
between weekday and weekend abducting, and using the proper bait to attract
humans to your light.
“We
offer all kinds of ways to better your abducting experiences,” Well said. “It’s
really only one telekinetic click away.”
Learn
more at HumansInTheLight.mon. And good luck this weekend at the tournament.
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