Bigfoot National Park ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- kiss the road back goodbye

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

If you survived your first 12 or more hours in Bigfoot National Park, make sure you get some sleep. You’ll need the rest if you’re going to have any chance of escaping.

But don’t forget that back at Camp Slasher Psycho, where you have your bed, you’ve still got all those restless teens running around doing what they’re not supposed to be doing. Most monsters put in a couple hours of Torture-A-Teen before turning in, but, as stated previously, you’re going to need all the rest you can get, so you may want to reconsider.

Be advised: Just because you’re no longer at Lake Larry, doesn’t mean the latrines in other areas are safe, Camp Slasher Psycho included. The Larry Monster uses a complicated, very extensive underground network of sewage lines to move between most latrines in the park, and he’s just waiting for someone to take a seat. Don’t do it. Do as those in the wild do.

And speaking of the wildlife, you might spy with your little eye (or your one giant eye, depending on your orientation) those cute, cuddly little man-eating squirrels scurrying around the park. Stay the heck away from those devilish things. Lucky for you they can’t eat an entire man in one bite, despite what “man-eating squirrels” might sound like to you, but their hordes or brothers and sisters leave no morsels behind.

On second thought, put a collar on one of them if you can, and let it loose in the park. Then hang a leash over one of the leash law signs, which you’ll find everywhere, and hang out there for a while like you’ve taken your pet man-eating squirrel off its restraint and let it roam the area. That really ticks off Bigfoot and you won’t have to go to him -- he’ll come to you.

Last year, the sasquatch told park authorities that he was sick and tired of guests taking their pets off their leashes, so he had the park put up leash law signs. When no one enforced the laws (because there actually weren’t any laws, just signs), ‘foot took measures of his own and began treating pets off their leashes like hors d’oeuvres. He still likes the signs. He uses the posts as toothpicks after he’s “enforced the rules.”

A good place to set your bait is over at the Yeti Hot Springs. They’ve got a bunch of leash law signs over there because ‘foot spends a considerable amount of time in the springs and he likes to see the signs wherever he goes. He likes the springs because he has a bad back and the warm water is very calming for him. Just don’t let him catch you trying to catch a glimpse of him. He’ll bury you in the geothermal heated groundwater.

You definitely want to steer clear of the nearby canyons, so be sure not to set up your bait there. If he catches you trying to catch a glimpse of him in that locale, he’ll throw you down into the bottom of those canyons. It’s a long way down.

If he catches you trying to catch a glimpse of him near The Mighty Peaks (Bigfoot National Park’s mighty mountain range), no, he won’t throw you to the top. He has a bad back, remember? But you should steer clear of the Mighty Peaks and the Mighty River below -- that’s where the Davy Crockett’s Ghost haunts.

It’s not that Crockett’s Ghost is scary. It’s just that once he gets a hold of your ear, he never stops talking. In his tell-all book, “It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’ Bigfoot,” he claims he didn’t kill a bear when he was only 3. He says he killed Bigfoot, and he wants to tell everyone and anyone all about it. Oh, and he wants to tell you all about how he fought saucers in real life, not Native Americans. Believe what you want to believe. He fought Native Americans. And he never killed Bigfoot. Bigfoot is alive and well . . . except for the bad back.

Wherever you end up in the park, set out your squirrel and leash bait, and then listen. You’ll hear ‘foot -- his stomp is mighty. Sometimes you can hear him and never see him. Look for the footprints -- they’re big. Have patience because you may be there a while and you won’t be getting any rest. Which reminds me . . .

Didn’t I tell you to get some rest? Get back to Camp Slasher Psycho and turn in. Lights out!

You’ll hear a loud ruckus coming from the Chainsaw Residence on the other side of the lake near Transyl-vein-ia Creek. Screams, maniacal laughing, lots of chainsaw carnage . . . Some monsters actually have a hard time falling asleep to those kinds of relaxing disturbances. But once you do eventually drift off . . .

The Nightmare Man will pay a visit. If you thought Freddy had the market on nightmares, guess who trained him?

In the rare case you wake up, it’s best to pick up quickly and go. By this time, most everything in the park will know you’re there and you can kiss your life (or afterlife), as you know it, goodbye -- for real this time.

The park buses will start arriving at camp when it’s too late. However, if you happen to be there when one shows up, get on and tell the driver to hit the gas. If he takes you back to Lodgers Square where your journey began, consider yourself lucky -- you made it. If you pull up to Loggers Landing and Tackle Shack, consider yourself bait -- plain and simple. Good news is you just caught your first glimpse of Bigfoot. He’s the one that’ll be making bait out of you, so it’ll also be your last glimpse. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.