Downtown Transyl-vein-ia ‘Rot Spots’ -- the best nightlife after death

By M. Night Shuritssafealone

Staff Scream Streets Writer

Downtown Transyl-vein-ia is open Sunday, Monday and always. In fact, it doesn’t even shut down in the daytime. There is no day there.

Welcome to the city that never gets up. That’s because everyone is dead. Living dead. But there’s a very progressive, sophisticated group of monsters on the move that occupy these streets.

What’s rot and what’s not? Everyone knows to check out the musicals at the Young Fronkensteen Theatre on Vein Street. And the giant ape at King Kong Pavillion down the block is also a given. But those who've spent some time in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia will tell you that a tour of Phantom Recording Studio on Phantom Boulevard is the rot thing to do right away, especially since the Phantom of the Opera dropped his latest album last year.

According to Chillboard Magazine, “Straight Outta the Opera House” was “one of the best albums the Phantom ever put out.” Even the Mad Organist from the Disneyland Haunted Mansion told Jack-o’-Lantern Radio that it was “haunting.”

“It’s mega, it’s totally Phantom, it’s what his fans have been waiting for,” Organist told reporters last year upon the album’s release. “It’s definitely a dope record.”

Those who take the tour of the studio will get to see the actual organ Phantom used to create that phat pipe organ wind on the record. If you visit the studio, you might even see the Phantom at work on a follow-up album.

“The creative processes are flowing,” Phantom said. “The last stuff I did was a hybrid of opera organ, classic organ, secular organ and just plain organ organ. This time I’m thinking of adding some carnival organ into the mix, which would be off the chain.”

On your way out of the studio, be sure to go into the studio store, where you can pick up Phantom Recording Studio shirts, magnets and coffin liners.

Then head south on Phantom Boulevard and jump over to Weird Way. You can visit the Museum of the Strange, which has a collection of items and phenomena as vast as space and as timeless as infinity, between shadow and light, between science and superstition. It's made up of disturbing and unusual things. It's currently doing a “History of Transyl-vein-ia” exhibit and a Dracula retrospective. Fans of Dracula’s water lilies series will be happy to know there’s an entire room full of the Count’s most popular works. There’s another room of just his finger-paints.

The museum shop, Store of Stuff, is also something to die for. There, you can get all kinds of weird things. And later all those weird things will get you.

For lunch, stop by the Killer Tomato Stand on Killer Korner for some killer tomatoes. Or go to Rat Pack’s Chop House. The chef chops up everyone who enters.

There’s so much to see and do in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, but one last thing you shouldn’t miss is a visit to the Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts, especially now with Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential election heating up. You won’t want to miss any of the debates where candidates are literally attacking each other tooth, nail and machete.

From a werewolf and a vampire, a monster created in a lab and a slasher psycho, to a sea creature and a few goblins, this race comes with a wide range of candidates and viewpoints.

Count Dracula wants more blood banks. He claims it’s a must and said the entire vampire community supports him completely. Sea Creature is out to solve the pollution shortage in our water, which he says is only getting worse. Jason, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho, has been very vocal about the need for more teens in the area. He suggested building additional campgrounds in the Transyl-vein-ia Creek area and busing in kids on a monthly basis.

Frankenstein’s Monster, on the other hand, says energy is more important.

“Without it,” the Monster said, “our handmade people simply can’t survive.”

The election On Tues., Nov. 1, so now’s the best time to start following it. Before it starts following you.

Yes, Downtown Transyl-vein-ia a made up of a very progressive, sophisticated group of monsters on the move. Don't worry, you'll be able to catch them during your visit. Remember, they’re dead.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.