Monster Carnival turns humans into monsters forever, gives full refunds

By U.R. Stuckhere

Staff Enter-detain-ment Writer

Large crowds of humans entered the Monster Carnival last night and tried attractions like “Werewolf Run” and “Zombie Curse,” only to discover the monster simulations have permanent side effects—there’s no changing back into human form.

According to the carnival’s C.E.Ohhhhh!, I.M. Carnie, the carnival gave no disclaimers at the entrance gate.

“We find it more delightful to see the surprise on the humans’ faces when they learn they’re monsters and they ain’t going back,” Carnie said.

Angry humans-turned-monsters rushed the complaint desk hours into their visit when they started learning the monster in them wasn’t going away. They were entitled to a full refund.

“Fortunately for our growing monster population,” Carnie said, “we have no proven cure to get them back to human form. Hey, they came here for scares. They got it.”

The Monster Carnival opened yesterday and goes through Oct. 31. Along with living forever as members of the undead and transforming into werewolves and running through the woods picking off prey in the night, guests can also take a dip in “The Black Lagoon,” where they’re chemically transformed into sea creatures and alligator people who can breathe under water and attack and eat things like people and their exploration vessels. There’s also “The Frankenstein Experience,” where guests can feel what it’s like to be reborn via the 1 billion volts of lightning electricity shooting through their bodies.

“Most people,” Carnie said, “like that experience because they can know what it’s like to lift a city bus full of commuters off the ground and toss it into the air like a pro turbo football. But I think our most popular attraction is ‘The Vampire Vacation.’”

Guests at that attraction get bit as soon as they show their E-Ticket at the entrance near Vampire Gardens, and then their permanent vacation as vampires begins. They can slip under doorways in the form of green mist to sneak up on their blood subjects or change into bats and fly over the Carpathian Mountains for a tremendous view.

“It’s a shame,” Carnie said, “so many guests unfortunately take the whole ‘sun kills vampires’ thing for granted. We lose a lot of guests that way.”

Asked if the Monster Carnival is working on a cure so guests can revert back to human form, Carnie said the carnival’s Mad Scientist Dept. has made a few breakthroughs.

“We have something that might turn them back,” Carnie said, “but side effects include loss of hair, diarrhea, excessive vomiting, death, insanity, lesions, chronic heart conditions, loss of breath for several minutes—which usually results in death—and chapped lips.”

Carnie and his team of carnies are excited about the continuing success of this year’s event. Tickets sales are going through the roof, but the marketing department is doubling efforts to sell out by next week.