Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast: ‘Sounds of Halloween’

What’s that? Hear that? It’s the sounds of Halloween.

To listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

For Spotify users, clock HERE.

Star Sightings: Headless Horseman

The Headless Horseman was spotted test-driving a Chevy Volt early this morning through Sleepy Hollow. Sources said he still didn’t have the nerve to cross the bridge.

Star Sightings: Chucky and Annabelle

Chucky was seen with his arm around the Annabelle doll at a puppet show in Downtown Transylveinya last night. Reports say there are kissing photos that just haven’t surfaced yet.

Book Excerpt: Grintroduction

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!

GRINTRODUCTION

For those of you creatures out there who are tired of magical sunsets on idyllic tropical beaches, clean, fresh-air hikes through majestic mountains and the vibrant nightlife of cool, cosmopolitan cities, it’s time to explore Transylveinya, a monster’s paradise packed with dark and very alive graveyards, endless life-threatening jungles and seedy metropolises with horrors around every corner.

There’s another monster revolution upon us. Transylveinya travelers are popping up everywhere, coming through various gateways (portals) from the human world, anxious to see the homes of their great and not-so-great monster ancestors, eager to link up with long-lost family members, rejoin the monster community, scare and be scared. Even humans are finding their monster within and are using portals to try their luck in this danger zone, seeking that sense of belonging. Even monsters living here are doing more exploring of their own world.

From the pages of Jack-o’-Lantern Press, your portal to the monster community, this is your ultimate guide to Transylveinya. The top travel journalists of the publication will take you on a tour of all 13 districts of our great land, and they’ll help you to not only just survive to explore each district, but to experience the ultimate finale in Jack-o’-Lantern Park.

They’ll first introduce you to the leaders of each land (creatures and characters known as The Transylveinya 13), so that you’ll know, based on who’s running things and where, what to expect from the unexpected. You’ll find out what’s hot and what’s rot in each district in the Rot Spots stories. Then you’ll learn about the more charming places to visit and things to do in the Hidden Harms essays. To cap off each adventure, you’ll discover the more serene locales in our Deceaseful Settings stories. Throughout all these pages, Jack-o’-Lantern Press travel experts will offer up tips on what to pack and how to dress, a list of must-have souvenirs to pick up, things to do before passing on, informational tales about celebrated landmarks and places for perfect photo ops, hometown recipes and historical highlights to help you get unreasonably familiar with each area.

In the end, you won’t be any more able to take on the horrors of Transylveinya, but by (not really) knowing what to expect, you will be more terrified. And that makes all the difference.

Transylveinya was discovered many centuries ago by The Founder. The Founder, who may or may not still be around, is/was part vampire, part werewolf, created in what we would today call a lab. He was hunted by angry villagers, caught, mummified and entombed alive. Over 100 years later, tomb raiders unintentionally freed him. And he was still not dead. So he destroyed them and then sought revenge on anyone who had anything to do with his torture. Having accomplished that, he found himself very alone.

In his search for a place to spend his endless days and acquire an never-ending supply of blood for sustenance, The Founder came upon a land in the middle of what was once known as The Unknown. There he found a river of blood, what we know now to be the Mighty Vein River (which at present stains all 13 districts of Transylveinya before flowing out to the Blood Sea), and in the river he found enough blood for three or maybe more abnormal lifetimes.

Due to this artery of red liquid coursing right through the land, The Founder named the whole place Transylveinya. Note the syllable “vein” in the name. We’re told The Founder is/was a punster. He built his home — a large, crumbling, dusty, web-infested castle (even when it was brand new) — high on a hilltop. The palace can still be viewed in the far corner of the Transylveinya Pines gated community.

Over the years, The Founder traveled the world, discovering other dimensions through the portals we still use today, democratically terrorizing all forms of life, sucking up more blood, and attracting other like-minded creatures on his way back home.

The monsters, ghouls, goblins and witches who followed him back would stake out their own corners of Transylveinya, gradually forming the 13 Districts of Transylveinya:

1) Witches Meadow

2) Downtown Transylveinya

3) The Mad Science District

4) Transylveinya Hills

5) Werewolftown

6) Bigfoot National Park

7) The Carpathian Mountains

8) Shadow City

9) The Monster Islands (in the Blood Sea)

10) The Black Lagoon

11) Valley of Doom

12) UFO Springs

13) Jack-o’-Lantern Park

This book should shed a little darkness on each of those gloomy districts. We won’t cover all the things to do — the rare and unusual shopping, the places not to eat or the pitiful lodging — but we’ll highlight what we think is worth checking out on your own way to checking out. (All other information, when in the monster universe only, can be found on the Monster World Wide Web, mwww.InsertNameHere.mon. That’s “mon” for “monster,” silly.)

Upon your transition from one district to the next, you’ll receive a District Coin. Each coin is unique to the district you just barely survived (if you survive), imprinted with the bust of the leader of that district. Save those woody wafer-like coins. You’ll need them for the aforementioned grand finale of your journey in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, where, with those coins, you’ll be allowed to climb up Jack-o’-Lantern Tree Hill and see the great Jack-o’-Lantern Tree, the hill’s namesake and the source of all authentic Halloween magic. You’ll not only view an amazing landmark there, but you might also be able (mad scientists and evil villains pay close attention here) to harness the fickle magic of the tree and take over the entire world.

Transylveinya is a great big monstrously terrible land. But we still look forward to you visiting. And to those of you who already reside in these parts, we look forward to you getting to know where you “live” a little better.

It’s time to get ready for your trip to the monster homeland. It’s time to monster up!

Book Excerpt: Fearword

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE. 

We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!

FEARWORD

By Dracula

As reigning President of Transylveinya, I highly recommend travel to this great land. Therefore, since this is (probably) the only existing guide to the monster universe, I suppose I have to recommend this volume as well, even if it is a little shoddy and lacking in the good kind of bad taste we monsters crave.

If you’re a monster, a mere monstrosity, a Halloweeniac or just a weirdo and utter sick puppy with a need to learn more about the inhuman condition, this book is for you, and you’ll be in bad company. Sure, we of the monster community can be horrifying individually, preying upon weak humans and whatnot, as you’ve no doubt seen in old movies like “Frankenstein” (1931), “The Wolf Man (1941) and, of course, everyone’s favorite, “Dracula” (1931) — what a masterpiece. But it’s monster togetherness that is of so AH!mazing! It’s that monster bond you feel on Halloween night, roaming the streets with your fellow spooks. It’s that monster family feeling you see in those paper decorations of haunted houses with creatures of different regions creeping from each window and each door. And it’s the joy you encounter in monster mash-up movies like “Goosebumps” (2015), “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” (1948) or “Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween” (2018).

This book, then, packed with stories big and small, hairy and scary with warts and all, pieced together like Frankenstein’s Monster, is a tribute to Halloween and a celebration of popular monster arts and culture. Consider this travel guide a tool to recognize and promote our rich heritage and customs (monster holidays, bad recipes and any of the traditional ethnic cuisine from Transylveinya’s 13 districts), and we hope to inspire camp followers to keep our values and culture alive. “It’s ALIVE!”

The contents within come from those friendly weirdos at Jack-o’-Lantern Press (or JLP at JackoLanternPress.com), your online news and entertainment source for monsters, by monsters. As ambassadors of the monster universe, those from JLP hope to share this world from waaaaay back, all the way through the ages, from those early Universal movies of the 1930s, ‘40s and ‘50s (did I already mention the 1931 “Dracula”?) to the Hammer Horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s (like 1958’s “Horror of Dracula,” 1960’s “The Brides of Dracula,” 1972’s “Dracula A.D.” and, yeah, some other movies that aren’t about me but are pretty good like 1957’s “The Curse of Frankenstein,” 1959’s “The Mummy” and 1964’s “The Gorgon”).

This book also draws upon the popular art and creative endeavors that came about during the “monster craze” in America (roughly between 1957 and 1972), the “monster resurgence” of the ‘80s and ‘90s with the creation of Cracked Monster Party magazine, and the latest “monster revolution” that began in the 2000s with author R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps universe, the “Hotel Transylvania” movie franchise and the monster and horror pictures of the day. The films, books, etc. referenced here by no means make up a definitive list, but they are among JLP’s favorites as they relate to your upcoming journey to Transyleveinya.

And if you’re into endless endeavors (and you probably are if you have any intentions of finishing this intimidating MONSTER of a book), check out the following items as companion pieces: Forrest J. Ackerman’s tribute to all things monster, Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine, John Landis’s fantastic book, “Monster in the Movies,” and Mark Voger’s book on the Monster Craze in America, “Monster Mash.” It wouldn’t hurt (even if you want it to) to also check out the Gaines family’s EC Comics’ “Tales from the Crypt,” “The Vault of Horror” and “The Haunt of Fear.” And, of course, R.L. Stine is an author all monster lovers must know.

There’s much ground to cover here, from creeks to seas, forests to jungles and haunted homes to the pinnacle of any Transylveinya traveler’s list, my castle, which you’ve no doubt seen in any given episode of my hit!!! reality series, “Real Drac’s Castlewives of The Carpathian Mountains.” So go hesitantly in the direction of your nightmares. And live the afterlife you’ve always dreaded.

By the way, you can catch “Real Drac’s Castlewives” Mondays at midnight on The Bride of Frankenstein’s BOF Network to see six of my real wives as they live, die, return from the dead and scare the lurkers in The Carpathian Mountains.

Now go.

Scream Queen 1955-2019

Known for her iconic scream heard in numerous Halloween sound effects albums and CDs, including “Halloween Horror Sounds of Evil,” “Evil Sounds of Halloween Night” and “Night Sounds of Horror Evil,” Scream Queen, who recorded her first scream in 1973, died last night in one terrific lightning storm. She’s survived by Boom, her husband of 20 years and a thunder sheet shaker. Boom told reporters that his wife did, in fact, go out with a scream. That’s the way she would’ve preferred to go, he added. Listen to her final wail below:

Black Lagoon toxicity on council agenda tonight

BLACK LAGOON -- Members of the community are asked to participate tonight at the Black Lagoon District Council meeting as it relates to the toxicity of the lagoon. It seems, according to reports, that the body of water is not as toxic as it once was. Those who want to keep the swamp moving in this “clean” direction will be lynched right there at the meeting. Those who want their elected officials to actually do something about this tragic state of affairs and get the toxicity levels back up to where they’re expected to be should show up no later than midnight this evening, fill out a speaker card, and wait in line for an opportunity to voice your opinions. Once you’ve had a turn at the podium, supporters of the Toxic Lagoon Initiative Act ask that you stick around until everyone from the community has had a chance to speak, in the event a lynching is in order.

The Transylveinya 13: The Mummy

The Mummy

The Mummy was buried alive,

and now he’s king of the dead.

He stirs up the bees in a hive,

the bugs and the snakes that you dread.

He’ll doom you for freeing his curse,

then take from you all of your power.

He’s already begun to traverse,

at one or two steps in an hour.

The Transylveinya 13: Dracula

Count Dracula

Drac can do most anything,

he is fast and strong.

He’s a bat and then a mist,

he is never wrong.

He controls all animals,

he can hypnotize,

or raise a fog and start a storm,

all with his own eyes.

Drac can live forevermore,

it seems he can’t get hurt.

For he can mend most any wound,

in time for his dessert.

His senses are extremely sharp,

his hearing is acute.

He can see through darkest night,

and manage any route.

When he’s in trouble, he can hide,

he can slip through cracks.

And when Van Helsing’s after him,

he can hide his tracks.

He flies, he floats and disappears,

can crawl walls and can run.

Drac can do most anything,

but quick, here comes the sun.

JLP Crime Board

BLACK LAGOON

A 201-year-old ghost was arrested for not being scary in the 600 block of Haunted Mansion Row.

WITCHES MEADOW

No bodies were raised from the Cemetery of the Dead last night.

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS

A thief took a stolen brain this morning from Frankenstein’s lab.

VALLEY OF DOOM

A 31-year-old man driving a 1970 red Plymouth Valiant was arrested for evading a Peterbilt truck from Hell that had intentions of running him off the road.

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT

Someone vandalized Mr. Hyde’s laboratory yesterday evening. The damages would’ve cost $5,000 to make. Mr. Hyde is offering a $500 reward to the one(s) responsible for the “renovations.”

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA

Forgery and money scams did not take place in the 1300 block of Crooked Corner Lane.

Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast: 'Zombies & Halloween Flicks'

To hear this AHH!mazing new episode on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

For Spotify users, click HERE.

Pam 2019-2019

Pam the Giant Insect was shot down in Downtown Transylveinya today. City officials can’t move her now. They can’t break her apart and they can’t blow her up because a blast would take out the nearby buildings. Services will take place where the enormous monster was killed. According to members of the Downtown Transylveinya Planning Commission, the city will turn the remains of the creature into a mixed-use development, part playground for the kiddies -- where they can slide down the tarsus of the insect’s leg -- and part high rise apartment units, which will be built into the shell of the big bug. It’ll be quite a view from up there. Most insects only live a few hours. But when Pam was exposed to radiation and enlarged to her humongous size earlier in the day, she decided to go out with a bang and attack the city. Boy did she ever. Long live Pam!

Rossella the Tomato 1978-2019

Rossella, a killer tomato known originally for being a traditionally docile fruit, was sliced, diced and then puréed after rolling over innocent people, pets, perfectly good vehicles and small buildings late last night in the Pushcart District of Downtown Transylveinya. Rossella had devoted her life to steamrolling and human cuisine. Loved ones are invited to pay their respects to the killer tomato this evening in the neighborhood’s Anti-Social Club for a warm vigil and plenty of tasty tomato juice.

Jason Voorhees 195?-1957-1981-1982-1984 … 2019

Jason Voorhees, the machete-wielding slasher psycho, died early this morning before the sun came up at Camp Slasher Psycho in Bigfoot National Park. The cause of death was heart failure. The horror legend was last seen frolicking from one cabin to the next, picking off teen campers by the baker’s dozen just hours before his body was found lying over a young couple he’d happily mutilated. Services will be held tomorrow evening. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky and several of Jason’s peers are said to be on hand to deliver moving eulogies. The ol’ boy will most likely be back sooner than later in a sequel or reboot at a theater near you.

Jack the Zombie 1968-2019

Jack the Zombie died due to a headshot yesterday evening in the streets of Shadow City. He spent his afterlife doing what he did best -- eating brains. And he ate a lot of them. He’s survived by hundreds of other zombies he infected over the years who are still out there roaming the streets. In lieu of dead flowers, brain donations may be made to the Jack the Zombie Foundation for the Walking Dead.

Go behind the JLP Podcast

Are you looking for something to blow your mind? Look no further. 

This latest episode of the Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast will take you behind the podcast scenes. And it's to die for.

Click HERE to listen on Apple Podcasts.

Click HERE to listen on Spotify.

Popular poison apple stand temporarily closes

By The Wicked Witch

Staff Fruits Writer

WITCHES MEADOW -- There will be no more bobbing for poison apples in Witches Meadow. At least for now.

This evening, bad health inspectors shut down the popular poison apple stand in Spell Willows, placing an “F” on the broken boards out front, for allowing paying customers to bob for faulty fatal fruit.

“Sure, the apples sent victims into sleeping deaths,” said one evil enchantress who frequents the establishment, “which is cool. But love’s first kiss is causing the effect to wear off. What a rip.”

Dozens of disappointed customers have been lining up for their money back. And while they’re getting full refunds, that doesn’t change the fact that now the woods are filled with gallant princes on horseback frolicking about, kissing and waking the dead …

“Maybe this isn’t so bad after all,” said Necro Nomicon, a resident six feet under the Cemetery of the Dead. “Just so long as they’re not waking us with a smile and a song.”

New yoga class now open to poseable skeletons

By Skell E. Ton

Staff Bones Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- A new yoga studio just opened on Vein Street for poseable skeletons only. It’s called Edgar Allan Pose.

Those looking to travel into the human for Halloween to be placed in various poses to look like you’re climbing drain pipes, sitting on porch swings or hanging from garden trellises, these classes are for you.

“Our yoga programs are taught by world-class, experienced and certified home decorators who have worked with skeletons from all over many different universes to create more than 665 spooky poses -- 666 to be exact,” said Raven Ruemorgue, owner of Edgar Allan Pose. “They embody our special brand of yoga, and they teach with an intimate understanding of the various poseable skeleton traditions. Their devotion, lives and the creative positions they create with bony bodies are their art.”

So go into the human world this Halloween season more flexible and more inventive than ever.

“This is a chance,” Ruemorgue said, “for all you ‘posers’ out there to go pro.”

For details, visit PoseMe.mon.

Party-sized 'pod people' tent grows in popularity

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- A party-sized “pod people” tent is fast becoming the most occupied attraction at the Witching Hour Fest-evil.

And while the main Witching Hour event has passed, monsters are still lining up and passing through the Great Portals to the human world for the Halloween season. While they wait, some booths are still in business.

On Thursday night, over 200 guests stepped into the “pod people” tent, and body snatchers then created alien duplicates of them. Yes, officials said, this attraction has become quite successful. Since then, the population in the tent has doubled.

Surprise guests at Witching Hour Fest delay this story

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Witches Meadow -- Hours after a coven of witches opened the Great Portals last Thursday night during the Witching Hour Fest-evil to allow monsters to cross over into the human world for the Halloween season, the worlds-famous Gorgon Sisters surprised us all when they showed up to perform some songs for guests. Ghosts, ghouls and goblins lining up for the portals turned to look, then they turned to stone. Even the witches, having opened the portals, turned to look. They, too, turned to stone. When we of the press realized those gorgon girls were in the vicinity, well, we just listened. And we didn’t turn to stone. Everyone knows not to look into a gorgon’s eyes. Those eyes! They say those eyes pull you in. They say those eyes weaken and can pull in even the strongest of no-lookers. They say it takes just five seconds before … you … turrrnnn … toooooo … sttttttooo—

For the Record: This story was supposed to post on Friday. Curse removal service providers are closed on weekends, and we couldn't get a service monster out to The Meadow to lift the gorgon's curse off our fearless leader until business hours resumed this Monday evening. Mr. Jack O. Lantern is still a little out of it.

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Don’t forget to purchase your very own copy of “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

It’s the perfect gift for those looking to travel to the monster universe or those looking to find the true source of Halloween. Purchase it tonight! And remember to rate and review it, using you longest and most fanciest words. 

Click HERE now to get it!

JLP Podcast visits Witching Hour Fest, goes to 'Dungeons'

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- Those unable to attend the Witching Hour Fest-evil last night due to a stake in the heart or pesky silver bullets or being tied up in an evil stepmother’s basement, have fear (and lots of it), because the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast recorded an episode at the event, and it’s now available HERE on Apple Podcasts and HERE on Spotify.

Hosts Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella take in the festivities and then discuss their favorite dungeon experiences. You all can relate.

Be sure to subscribe, rate and review the show. Talk about FUN-ishment!

For a tour of the monster universe and to find out the true source of Halloween, read "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves,Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too."

And don't forget to rate and review that, too.