Jason
Voorhees, the machete-wielding slasher psycho, died early this morning before
the sun came up at Camp Slasher Psycho in Bigfoot National Park. The cause of
death was heart failure. The horror legend was last seen frolicking from one
cabin to the next, picking off teen campers by the baker’s dozen just hours
before his body was found lying over a young couple he’d happily mutilated.
Services will be held tomorrow evening. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers,
Leatherface, Chucky and several of Jason’s peers are said to be on hand to
deliver moving eulogies. The ol’ boy will most likely be back sooner than later
in a sequel or reboot at a theater near you.
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