Sunday, February 14, 2016

Valentine’s Monster not angry for being thrown out of Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Press recently sat down with the Valentine’s Monster to discuss being rejected by Halloween, what it’s like to be purple and pink, and if the monster of Feb. 14 is capable of being scary.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: So it’s 2016, what do you think about where Valentine’s Day has gone?

Valentine’s Monster: You mean how do I feel about how you kicked me out of Halloween?

JLP: Well, Valentine’s, I personally didn’t kick you out of Halloween. The Board kicked you out.

VM: Jack, please don’t feel bad about it. I love it here in Valentine’s. I have so much love to give.

JLP: See, you say stuff like that and you wonder why you got kicked out.

VM: Oh, I know why you kicked me out.

JLP: I didn’t kick you out.

VM: I have nothing but love for all of you back home.

JLP: Do you miss Halloween?

VM: No, not really. I mean, I’m purple and pink, so I was always the butt of your jokes.

JLP: For the record, I never joked about you being purple and pink, although I know the Board had strong feelings about it. But does Valentine’s Day offer the same type of thrill you must’ve known when you were in Halloween?

VM: These days, on Halloween, I curl up with my binky and read a love-laughter-and-happily-ever-after book by Melanie Shawn. Those girls can write the romance. But honestly, Halloween just doesn’t do it for me. Valentine’s Day is really where it's at.

JLP: Valentine’s, you realize everyone from back home is going to read this, right?

VM: I feel totally fine with that, Jack. Are you uncomfortable with it?

JLP: Yeah, kind of.

VM: I don’t judge you. I love you.

JLP: Let’s switch subjects. Now, you did keep the name ‘Monster’ in your name. Do you do any good monstering on February 14? Any terrorizing or scare-orr-izing?

VM: Absolutely, Jack. I usually slip treats under the pillows of those who believe in the true spirit of love and hand out sweet little Valentine's greetings. I have so much love to give. Yeah, you could say I get in some good monstering on February 14.

JLP: But do you ever scare anyone? You are a monster deep down.

VM: Jack, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

JLP: You’ve got sharp teeth and a prickly tail, and you drool toxic slime.

VM: I’m purple and pink, and I’m a peach.

JLP: Isn’t it true you transform into a hideous boggart if you get mad?

VM: I never get mad, Jack. I have so much love to give. Don’t judge me.

JLP: I’m not judging you. But I would like to know if it’s true you become a snarling beast when your temper flares up.

VM: You’re trying to make me mad now. You’re cute.

JLP: Come on, stop that. You know I can’t take that flowery stuff. I just know you blame me for getting kicked out of Halloween and I want you to acknowledge it and get angry about it and be the monster I know you are.

VM: Stop it. I’m thrilled with how my life turned out.

JLP: Seriously, is Valentine’s Day all that, sharing Valentine’s greetings and flowers and love? I mean, I get the whole candy part, but how can you look at me and seriously tell me you’d really rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31?

VM: I’d rather be on Feb. 14 than Oct. 31. And here's my 'serious' face? (Makes face)

JLP: Will you let me join you on Valentine’s Day to see what’s so great about it that you don’t need Halloween anymore?

VM: You’re sweet.

JLP: Valentine’s, I’m serious. Will you invite me to Valentine’s Day, yes or no?

VM: I have nothing but love for you, brother.

JLP: Are you saying you won’t let me in?

VM: You’re orange, Jack. Valentine’s Day is purple and pink . . . Sucks, doesn’t it?

The Valentine’s Monster will put treats under your pillow tonight if you truly believe in love. Don’t expect any scaring.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see shadow, chupacabra and jackelope allegedly help him escape yearly fate

By Ginny Pig
Staff Rodents Writer

Early this Groundhog Day morning at Gobbler’s Knob in Pennsylvania, USA, before a large crowd and several gentlemen in really tall top hats and tuxedos, the groundhog known as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his tree-trunk jail and saw no shadow because there was no shadow to be cast, thus confirming we won’t have another six weeks of winter. Hours after the annual Groundhog Day event, the giant grumpy squirrel turned up missing, and it’s said a chupacabra and a jakelope helped in his escape.

To confirm that we’ll have an early spring, Shubenacadie Sam, Canada’s tunnel-digging weather prognosticator, also saw no shadow, but he’s not so concerned with Phil in the wild.

“Look, I’m a groundhog, he’s a groundhog, and I have nothing personal against the guy,” Sam said, “but is anyone really gonna miss him? I think the world needs a little more Sam in their life. I can see my shadow as well as Phil can. Why not show me a little love for a change?”

Despite Sam’s sentiments, critters everywhere said they wouldn’t sleep until Phil is caught. With Phil at large, many said, the world is faced with the danger of do-overs forevermore.

“Have we forgotten what Phil is capable of doing?” said a mole rat who wishes to remain anonymous. “Not only has he taken a sip of some magic life-extending elixir so he can live forever and ever, but he’s been given the power to curse anyone or anything with the same day over and over and over again. If anyone knows the pain of that, it should be Phil. He’s been torn from his winter hibernation every year since the 1880s and asked to predict the future. He’s been very clear about how much he detests the ritual and how much he'd like a little good ol' evil revenge.”

Officials reported that they have no idea where Phil has gone. A member of the Punxsutawney Inner Circle accused a local resident who teaches GSL (Groundhogese as a Second Language) of playing a major role in the jailbreak. Gunag Etyouout, who assists the Groundhog Club President in his communication with Phil on Groundhog Day, was arrested and then later released for lack of evidence against her. She said she’s simply a teacher, not a criminal, and claimed the true culprits in the matter were a chupacabra and a jackelope who’d been spotted over the weekend “milling around town and looking suspicious.”

“It’s a known fact that Phil spends long hours on the phone almost every night with an individual in Latin America discussing goat delicacies,” Etyouout said after her release this afternoon. “And we all know about Phil's desire to visit the state of Wyoming to collect a debt from some jackhole jackelope out there who’s allegedly into Phil for over two grand. Follow the phone calls and you’ll find Phil.”

Investigators have done better. They’ve already caught Phil.

“The problem we’re up against,” said lead investigator Eyelbee Damned, “is that we wake up every morning -- the same morning -- and have to catch him all over again. We don't see any way out of this.”

To read this story again, wake up tomorrow and find yourself reading it again.