monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review
the book. Enjoy!
For those of you creatures
out there who are tired of magical sunsets on idyllic tropical beaches, clean,
fresh-air hikes through majestic mountains and the vibrant nightlife of cool,
cosmopolitan cities, it’s time to explore Transylveinya, a monster’s paradise
packed with dark and very alive graveyards, endless life-threatening jungles
and seedy metropolises with horrors around every corner.
There’s another monster
revolution upon us. Transylveinya travelers are popping up everywhere, coming through
various gateways (portals) from the human world, anxious to see the homes of
their great and not-so-great monster ancestors, eager to link up with long-lost
family members, rejoin the monster community, scare and be scared. Even humans
are finding their monster within and are using portals to try their luck in
this danger zone, seeking that sense of belonging. Even monsters living here
are doing more exploring of their own world.
From the pages of Jack-o’-Lantern
Press, your portal to the monster
community, this is your ultimate guide to Transylveinya. The top travel journalists of the
publication will take you on a tour of all 13 districts of our great land, and
they’ll help you to not only just survive to explore each district, but to
experience the ultimate finale in Jack-o’-Lantern Park.
They’ll first introduce you
to the leaders of each land (creatures and characters known as The
Transylveinya 13), so that you’ll know, based on who’s running things and where,
what to expect from the unexpected. You’ll find out what’s hot and what’s rot
in each district in the Rot Spots stories. Then you’ll learn about the more
charming places to visit and things to do in the Hidden Harms essays. To cap
off each adventure, you’ll discover the more serene locales in our Deceaseful
Settings stories. Throughout all these pages, Jack-o’-Lantern Press travel experts will offer up tips on what to
pack and how to dress, a list of must-have souvenirs to pick up, things to do
before passing on, informational tales about celebrated landmarks and places
for perfect photo ops, hometown recipes and historical highlights to help you
get unreasonably familiar with each area.
In the end, you won’t be
any more able to take on the horrors of Transylveinya, but by (not really) knowing
what to expect, you will be more terrified. And that makes all the difference.
discovered many centuries ago by The Founder. The Founder, who may or may not
still be around, is/was part vampire, part werewolf, created in what we would today
call a lab. He was hunted by angry villagers, caught, mummified and entombed
alive. Over 100 years later, tomb raiders unintentionally freed him. And he was
still not dead. So he destroyed them and then sought revenge on anyone who had
anything to do with his torture. Having accomplished that, he found himself
In his search for a place
to spend his endless days and acquire an never-ending supply of blood for
sustenance, The Founder came upon a land in the middle of what was once known
as The Unknown. There he found a river of blood, what we know now to be the
Mighty Vein River (which at present stains all 13 districts of Transylveinya
before flowing out to the Blood Sea), and in the river he found enough blood
for three or maybe more abnormal lifetimes.
Due to this artery of red
liquid coursing right through the land, The Founder named the whole place
Transylveinya. Note the syllable “vein” in the name. We’re told The Founder is/was
a punster. He built his home — a large, crumbling, dusty, web-infested castle
(even when it was brand new) — high on a hilltop. The palace can still be
viewed in the far corner of the Transylveinya Pines gated community.
Over the years, The Founder
traveled the world, discovering other dimensions through the portals we still
use today, democratically terrorizing all forms of life, sucking up more blood,
and attracting other like-minded creatures on his way back home.
The monsters, ghouls, goblins
and witches who followed him back would stake out their own corners of
Transylveinya, gradually forming the 13 Districts of Transylveinya:
The Mad Science District
Bigfoot National Park
The Carpathian Mountains
The Monster Islands (in the Blood Sea)
The Black Lagoon
Valley of Doom
shed a little darkness on each of those gloomy districts. We won’t cover all the things to do — the rare and
unusual shopping, the places not to eat or the pitiful lodging — but we’ll
highlight what we think is worth checking out on your own way to checking out.
(All other information, when in the monster universe only, can be found on the
Monster World Wide Web, mwww.InsertNameHere.mon. That’s “mon” for “monster,”
Upon your transition from
one district to the next, you’ll receive a District Coin. Each coin is unique
to the district you just barely survived (if
you survive), imprinted with the bust of the leader of that district. Save
those woody wafer-like coins. You’ll need them for the aforementioned grand
finale of your journey in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, where, with those coins, you’ll
be allowed to climb up Jack-o’-Lantern Tree Hill and see the great
Jack-o’-Lantern Tree, the hill’s namesake and the source of all authentic Halloween
magic. You’ll not only view an amazing landmark there, but you might also be
able (mad scientists and evil villains pay close attention here) to harness the
fickle magic of the tree and take over the entire world.
is a great big monstrously terrible land. But we still look forward to you
visiting. And to those of you who already reside in these parts, we look
forward to you getting to know where you “live” a little better.
It’s time to get ready for your trip to the
monster homeland. It’s time to monster up!
We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!
reigning President of Transylveinya, I highly recommend travel to this great
land. Therefore, since this is (probably) the only existing guide to the
monster universe, I suppose I have to recommend this volume as well, even if it
is a little shoddy and lacking in the good kind of bad taste we monsters crave.
you’re a monster, a mere monstrosity, a Halloweeniac or just a weirdo and utter
sick puppy with a need to learn more about the inhuman condition, this book is
for you, and you’ll be in bad company. Sure, we of the monster community can be
horrifying individually, preying upon weak humans and whatnot, as you’ve no
doubt seen in old movies like “Frankenstein” (1931), “The Wolf Man (1941) and,
of course, everyone’s favorite, “Dracula” (1931) — what a masterpiece. But it’s
monster togetherness that is of so AH!mazing!
It’s that monster bond you feel on Halloween night, roaming the streets with your
fellow spooks. It’s that monster family feeling you see in those paper decorations
of haunted houses with creatures of different regions creeping from each window
and each door. And it’s the joy you encounter in monster mash-up movies like “Goosebumps”
(2015), “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” (1948) or “Goosebumps 2:
Haunted Halloween” (2018).
book, then, packed with stories big and small, hairy and scary with warts and all,
pieced together like Frankenstein’s Monster, is a tribute to Halloween and a
celebration of popular monster arts and culture. Consider this travel guide a
tool to recognize and promote our rich heritage and customs (monster holidays, bad
recipes and any of the traditional ethnic cuisine from Transylveinya’s 13
districts), and we hope to inspire camp followers to keep our values and
culture alive. “It’s ALIVE!”
contents within come from those friendly weirdos at Jack-o’-Lantern Press (or JLP
at JackoLanternPress.com), your online news and entertainment source for
monsters, by monsters. As ambassadors of the monster universe, those from JLP hope to share this world from waaaaay back, all the way through the
ages, from those early Universal movies of the 1930s, ‘40s and ‘50s (did I
already mention the 1931 “Dracula”?) to the Hammer Horror films of the ‘50s,
‘60s and ‘70s (like 1958’s “Horror of Dracula,” 1960’s “The Brides of Dracula,”
1972’s “Dracula A.D.” and, yeah, some other movies that aren’t about me but are
pretty good like 1957’s “The Curse of Frankenstein,” 1959’s “The Mummy” and
1964’s “The Gorgon”).
book also draws upon the popular art and creative endeavors that came about
during the “monster craze” in America (roughly between 1957 and 1972), the “monster
resurgence” of the ‘80s and ‘90s with the creation of Cracked Monster Party magazine, and the latest “monster revolution”
that began in the 2000s with author R.L. Stine’s Goosebumpsuniverse, the “Hotel Transylvania” movie franchise and the monster
and horror pictures of the day. The films, books, etc. referenced here by no
means make up a definitive list, but they are among JLP’s favorites as they relate to your upcoming journey to
if you’re into endless endeavors (and you probably are if you have any
intentions of finishing this intimidating MONSTER of a book), check out the
following items as companion pieces: Forrest J. Ackerman’s tribute to all
things monster, Famous Monsters of Filmland
magazine, John Landis’s fantastic book, “Monster in the Movies,” and Mark
Voger’s book on the Monster Craze in America, “Monster Mash.” It wouldn’t hurt
(even if you want it to) to also check out the Gaines family’s EC Comics’
“Tales from the Crypt,” “The Vault of Horror” and “The Haunt of Fear.” And, of
course, R.L. Stine is an author all monster lovers must know.
much ground to cover here, from creeks to seas, forests to jungles and haunted homes
to the pinnacle of any Transylveinya traveler’s list, my castle, which you’ve
no doubt seen in any given episode of my hit!!! reality series, “Real Drac’s
Castlewives of The Carpathian
Mountains.” So go hesitantly in the direction of your nightmares. And live the
afterlife you’ve always dreaded.
the way, you can catch “Real Drac’s Castlewives” Mondays at midnight on The
Bride of Frankenstein’s BOF Network to see six of my real wives as they live,
die, return from the dead and scare the lurkers in The Carpathian Mountains.
for her iconic scream heard in numerous Halloween sound effects albums and CDs,
including “Halloween Horror Sounds of Evil,” “Evil Sounds of Halloween Night”
and “Night Sounds of Horror Evil,” Scream Queen, who recorded her first scream
in 1973, died last night in one terrific lightning storm. She’s survived by
Boom, her husband of 20 years and a thunder sheet shaker. Boom told reporters that
his wife did, in fact, go out with a scream. That’s the way she would’ve
preferred to go, he added. Listen to her final wail below:
LAGOON -- Members of the community are asked to participate tonight at the
Black Lagoon District Council meeting as it relates to the toxicity of the
lagoon. It seems, according to reports, that the body of water is not as toxic
as it once was. Those who want to keep the swamp moving in this “clean” direction
will be lynched right there at the meeting. Those who want their elected
officials to actually do something about this tragic state of affairs and get
the toxicity levels back up to where they’re expected to be should show up no
later than midnight this evening, fill out a speaker card, and wait in line for an opportunity to voice your opinions. Once you’ve had a turn at the podium,
supporters of the Toxic Lagoon Initiative Act ask that you stick around until
everyone from the community has had a chance to speak, in the
event a lynching is in order.
the Giant Insect was shot down in Downtown Transylveinya today. City officials
can’t move her now. They can’t break her apart and they can’t blow her up
because a blast would take out the nearby buildings. Services will take place
where the enormous monster was killed. According to members of the Downtown
Transylveinya Planning Commission, the city will turn the remains of the
creature into a mixed-use development, part playground for the kiddies -- where
they can slide down the tarsus of the insect’s leg -- and part high rise apartment
units, which will be built into the shell of the big bug. It’ll be quite a view
from up there. Most insects only live a few hours. But when Pam was exposed to
radiation and enlarged to her humongous size earlier in the day, she decided to
go out with a bang and attack the city. Boy did she ever. Long live Pam!
a killer tomato known originally for being a traditionally docile fruit, was
sliced, diced and then puréed after rolling
over innocent people, pets, perfectly good vehicles and small buildings late
last night in the Pushcart District of Downtown Transylveinya. Rossella had
devoted her life to steamrolling and human cuisine. Loved ones are invited to
pay their respects to the killer tomato this evening in the neighborhood’s
Anti-Social Club for a warm vigil and plenty of tasty tomato juice.
Voorhees, the machete-wielding slasher psycho, died early this morning before
the sun came up at Camp Slasher Psycho in Bigfoot National Park. The cause of
death was heart failure. The horror legend was last seen frolicking from one
cabin to the next, picking off teen campers by the baker’s dozen just hours
before his body was found lying over a young couple he’d happily mutilated.
Services will be held tomorrow evening. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers,
Leatherface, Chucky and several of Jason’s peers are said to be on hand to
deliver moving eulogies. The ol’ boy will most likely be back sooner than later
in a sequel or reboot at a theater near you.
the Zombie died due to a headshot yesterday evening in the streets of Shadow
City. He spent his afterlife doing what he did best -- eating brains. And he
ate a lot of them. He’s survived by hundreds of other zombies he infected over
the years who are still out there roaming the streets. In lieu of dead flowers,
brain donations may be made to the Jack the Zombie Foundation for the Walking
MEADOW -- There will be no more bobbing for poison apples in Witches Meadow. At
least for now.
evening, bad health inspectors shut down the popular poison apple stand in
Spell Willows, placing an “F” on the broken boards out front, for allowing
paying customers to bob for faulty fatal fruit.
the apples sent victims into sleeping deaths,” said one evil enchantress who
frequents the establishment, “which is cool. But love’s first kiss is causing
the effect to wear off. What a rip.”
of disappointed customers have been lining up for their money back. And while
they’re getting full refunds, that doesn’t change the fact that now the woods
are filled with gallant princes on horseback frolicking about, kissing and
waking the dead …
“Maybe this isn’t so bad after all,” said Necro
Nomicon, a resident six feet under the Cemetery of the Dead. “Just so long as
they’re not waking us with a smile and a song.”
TRANSYLVEINYA -- A new yoga studio just opened on Vein Street for poseable
skeletons only. It’s called Edgar Allan Pose.
looking to travel into the human for Halloween to be placed in various poses to
look like you’re climbing drain pipes, sitting on porch swings or hanging from
garden trellises, these classes are for you.
yoga programs are taught by world-class, experienced and certified home
decorators who have worked with skeletons from all over many different universes
to create more than 665 spooky poses -- 666 to be exact,” said Raven Ruemorgue,
owner of Edgar Allan Pose. “They embody our special brand of yoga, and they teach
with an intimate understanding of the various poseable skeleton traditions.
Their devotion, lives and the creative positions they create with bony bodies
are their art.”
go into the human world this Halloween season more flexible and more inventive than
is a chance,” Ruemorgue said, “for all you ‘posers’ out there to go pro.”
MEADOW -- A party-sized “pod people” tent is fast becoming the most occupied
attraction at the Witching Hour Fest-evil.
the main Witching Hour event has passed, monsters are still lining up and
passing through the Great Portals to the human world for the Halloween season. While they wait, some booths are still in business.
Thursday night, over 200 guests stepped into the “pod people” tent, and body
snatchers then created alien duplicates of them. Yes, officials said, this
attraction has become quite successful. Since then, the population in the tent has
Meadow -- Hours after a coven of witches opened the Great Portals last Thursday night during the
Witching Hour Fest-evil to allow monsters to cross over
into the human world for the Halloween season, the worlds-famous Gorgon Sisters
surprised us all when they showed up to perform some songs for guests. Ghosts,
ghouls and goblins lining up for the portals turned to look, then they turned
to stone. Even the witches, having opened the portals, turned to look. They,
too, turned to stone. When we of the press realized those gorgon girls were in
the vicinity, well, we just listened. And we didn’t turn to stone. Everyone
knows not to look into a gorgon’s eyes. Those eyes! They say those eyes pull
you in. They say those eyes weaken and can pull in even the strongest of
no-lookers. They say it takes just five seconds before … you … turrrnnn … toooooo
For the Record: This story was supposed to post on Friday. Curse removal service providers are closed on weekends, and we couldn't get a service monster out to The Meadow to lift the gorgon's curse off our fearless leader until business hours resumed this Monday evening. Mr. Jack O. Lantern is still a little out of it.
forget to purchase your very own copy of “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel
Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies,
Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” It’s the perfect gift for those looking to
travel to the monster universe or those looking to find the true source of
Halloween. Purchase it tonight! And remember to rate and review it, using you
longest and most fanciest words.
MEADOW -- Those unable to attend the Witching Hour Fest-evil last night due to
a stake in the heart or pesky silver bullets or being tied up in an evil stepmother’s
basement, have fear (and lots of it),
because the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast recorded an episode at the event, and
it’s now available HERE on Apple Podcasts and HERE on Spotify.
Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella take in the festivities and then discuss
their favorite dungeon experiences. You all can relate.
sure to subscribe, rate and review the show. Talk about FUN-ishment!