Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast: ‘Halloween Traditions’

Listen to this new episode of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast about Halloween traditions. Then listen to it again and again and again … Make a tradition out of it.

To listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

For Spotify users, clock HERE.

Book Excerpt: Fearword

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE. 

We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!

FEARWORD

By Dracula

As reigning President of Transylveinya, I highly recommend travel to this great land. Therefore, since this is (probably) the only existing guide to the monster universe, I suppose I have to recommend this volume as well, even if it is a little shoddy and lacking in the good kind of bad taste we monsters crave.

If you’re a monster, a mere monstrosity, a Halloweeniac or just a weirdo and utter sick puppy with a need to learn more about the inhuman condition, this book is for you, and you’ll be in bad company. Sure, we of the monster community can be horrifying individually, preying upon weak humans and whatnot, as you’ve no doubt seen in old movies like “Frankenstein” (1931), “The Wolf Man (1941) and, of course, everyone’s favorite, “Dracula” (1931) — what a masterpiece. But it’s monster togetherness that is of so AH!mazing! It’s that monster bond you feel on Halloween night, roaming the streets with your fellow spooks. It’s that monster family feeling you see in those paper decorations of haunted houses with creatures of different regions creeping from each window and each door. And it’s the joy you encounter in monster mash-up movies like “Goosebumps” (2015), “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” (1948) or “Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween” (2018).

This book, then, packed with stories big and small, hairy and scary with warts and all, pieced together like Frankenstein’s Monster, is a tribute to Halloween and a celebration of popular monster arts and culture. Consider this travel guide a tool to recognize and promote our rich heritage and customs (monster holidays, bad recipes and any of the traditional ethnic cuisine from Transylveinya’s 13 districts), and we hope to inspire camp followers to keep our values and culture alive. “It’s ALIVE!”

The contents within come from those friendly weirdos at Jack-o’-Lantern Press (or JLP at JackoLanternPress.com), your online news and entertainment source for monsters, by monsters. As ambassadors of the monster universe, those from JLP hope to share this world from waaaaay back, all the way through the ages, from those early Universal movies of the 1930s, ‘40s and ‘50s (did I already mention the 1931 “Dracula”?) to the Hammer Horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s (like 1958’s “Horror of Dracula,” 1960’s “The Brides of Dracula,” 1972’s “Dracula A.D.” and, yeah, some other movies that aren’t about me but are pretty good like 1957’s “The Curse of Frankenstein,” 1959’s “The Mummy” and 1964’s “The Gorgon”).

This book also draws upon the popular art and creative endeavors that came about during the “monster craze” in America (roughly between 1957 and 1972), the “monster resurgence” of the ‘80s and ‘90s with the creation of Cracked Monster Party magazine, and the latest “monster revolution” that began in the 2000s with author R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps universe, the “Hotel Transylvania” movie franchise and the monster and horror pictures of the day. The films, books, etc. referenced here by no means make up a definitive list, but they are among JLP’s favorites as they relate to your upcoming journey to Transyleveinya.

And if you’re into endless endeavors (and you probably are if you have any intentions of finishing this intimidating MONSTER of a book), check out the following items as companion pieces: Forrest J. Ackerman’s tribute to all things monster, Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine, John Landis’s fantastic book, “Monster in the Movies,” and Mark Voger’s book on the Monster Craze in America, “Monster Mash.” It wouldn’t hurt (even if you want it to) to also check out the Gaines family’s EC Comics’ “Tales from the Crypt,” “The Vault of Horror” and “The Haunt of Fear.” And, of course, R.L. Stine is an author all monster lovers must know.

There’s much ground to cover here, from creeks to seas, forests to jungles and haunted homes to the pinnacle of any Transylveinya traveler’s list, my castle, which you’ve no doubt seen in any given episode of my hit!!! reality series, “Real Drac’s Castlewives of The Carpathian Mountains.” So go hesitantly in the direction of your nightmares. And live the afterlife you’ve always dreaded.

By the way, you can catch “Real Drac’s Castlewives” Mondays at midnight on The Bride of Frankenstein’s BOF Network to see six of my real wives as they live, die, return from the dead and scare the lurkers in The Carpathian Mountains.

Now go.

The Transylveinya 13: Dracula

Count Dracula

Drac can do most anything,

he is fast and strong.

He’s a bat and then a mist,

he is never wrong.

He controls all animals,

he can hypnotize,

or raise a fog and start a storm,

all with his own eyes.

Drac can live forevermore,

it seems he can’t get hurt.

For he can mend most any wound,

in time for his dessert.

His senses are extremely sharp,

his hearing is acute.

He can see through darkest night,

and manage any route.

When he’s in trouble, he can hide,

he can slip through cracks.

And when Van Helsing’s after him,

he can hide his tracks.

He flies, he floats and disappears,

can crawl walls and can run.

Drac can do most anything,

but quick, here comes the sun.

Drac turns a negative into some Rh-positive

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- Count Dracula can live forever, hypnotize his victims, change into a vampire bat, appear in the form of green mist or vanish at will. But around 11 p.m. last night, he struggled to put together a simple set of IKEA nesting tables for his new sitting room in the castle. After a slight mishap with a box cutter while opening the box, slicing open his upper right thigh, then somehow losing half the hardware for the tables, bending two of the legs and cracking one of the tempered glass tops, causing the loss of almost all the blood he’d consumed earlier in the evening, Drac ended up in the ER with 32 stiches and an I.V. While he was there, he wandered off in search of the bathroom, found the blood lab instead, and filled his tank with some fresh Rh-positive. The Count is now home and already planning a few more IKEA projects. He told reporters another trip to the ER wouldn’t be so bad, but actually quite refreshing.

Pres. Drac officially changes spelling of monster world name

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Those of you weirdoes out there who read this online rag on a regular basis and those who live in the monster world might’ve noticed a change in the way the name of the region has been spelled as of late. That’s because President Count Dracula changed it from “Transyl-vein-ia” to “Transylveinya,” and now it's official, despite the fact that the bloodsucker despises change. He hates when policies change, when seasons change, when night changes to day. He won’t even change his underwear. “I like regularity, patterns, the status quo and consistency,” Dracula said. “When things change, I get annoyed, inconvenienced and, let's face it, pretty heated. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the changing. Then I’m fine with change." Drac changed the name last night. From this point on, it'll be spelled the way he likes it, even in the upcoming travel guide to the monster universe, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons...And Mad Scientists, Too." Look for that guide in October wherever books are sold.

Retired ghoul comes up with solution to save Halloween

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

BLACK LAGOON -- The retired ghoul who discovered why and how Halloween would be ruined this year is said to have come up with a solution to save it.

E. Vilspirit, who resides in a home on Haunted Mansion Row, was playing around with some electricity and a hobbyist’s spell book this morning in his attic, when he learned how he could keep the portals between the monster world and human world from closing, allowing monsters to return to the mother land after they’re done scaring the crap out of people on Halloween.

However, Vilspirit told reporters that he’s not going to administer the plan to save monsters, and he’s not going to share the plan with anyone, either.

When asked what he planned to do, then, he said, “Nothing. I’m retired.”

What a twisted, sinister fiend.

Retired ghoul discovers why Halloween will be ruined this year

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

BLACK LAGOON -- A ghoul living and haunting in a home on Haunted Mansion Row was busy doing nothing (because there are few to scare while most Things are in the human world preparing for the October scare-emonies) when he discovered that Halloween would, in fact, be ruined this year.

It all started when the ghoul, retiree E. Vilspirit, came across a news story in this publication regarding a time traveler who went into the future and saw the portals between the monster world and the human world closing up, leaving monsters trapped on the other side while scaring humans for Halloween.

“So I got to tinkering around with my DeLorean and some plutonium in the garage,” Vilspirit said, “and before I knew it, I was going 88 miles per hour and then lurking around in the future. Saw the whole thing. And it’s true. The portals close up. I decided to do some studies on the whole thing when I got back in time.”

Vilspirit conducted a series of experiments and, in a matter of weeks, found the cause for the permanent closing of the portals.

“You’d think it was some complicated wizard’s spell or witch’s curse put on the monster world and the portals,” Vilspirit said. “It’s not. President Count Dracula’s mandated blood misters throughout Transyl-vein-ia is the problem. The fake blood he’s using is polluting our smog and has -- pardon the technical jargon -- ‘messed’ with the witch magic that makes the portals possible.”

According to Witches Meadow portal officials, who are responsible for the portals opening and closing, Vilspirit did what no one else cared to do, which was to look into a cause of the suspected closing of the portals. Monsters are calling him a hero and a montseritarian for his discoveries.

When asked what he planned to do to fix the problem, Vilspirit said, “Nothing. I’m retired.”

What a ghoulish, evil monster.

Disposable coffin liners, Drac blood mugs and rocks are must-haves before leaving the Carpathian Mountains

By H. E. L. Hownd

Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- If you’re traveling to the Carpathian Mountains, hopefully you receive the gift of eternal life, some tips on how to romance and trance your victims, and maybe even a few goodies like disposable coffin liners, vampire capes, Dracula blood mugs, books on how to fly when in the form of a bat, blood energy drinks, fang extensions, the “Children of the Night” sound effects/sweet music CD and shirts that say things like, “I gave blood in the Carpathian Mountains and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” There’s nothing like Carpathian dirt to bring home with you. And you shouldn’t forget to get your very own Count Dracula action figure, a replica Drac medallion and some mini vials of blood.

It’s also worth your time to stop by The Count’s Coffin Shoppe in Carpathian Circle to pick out a personalized high-quality therapeutic coffin, lightweight for moving on and off coaches and ships.

The ultimate takeaway from the Carpathian Mountains, however, is a bag of rocks, gems and jewels in the mountains themselves.

“Since there’s no way in this frozen hell that you’ll ever get past the rock monsters up there,” said one of the locals, “there’s one other thing you can do to get the goods: Find the Traveling Jeweler.”

The legend of the Traveling Jeweler has been fading over the years. That’s because no one has ever seen him and most have stopped looking for him. But some say that if you find him, you’ll inherit his fortune. You simply have to give up your soul and trade your life for the Jeweler’s, to roam the snowy Carpathian Mountains forever and ever.

“Yeah, there’s a curse clause in the contract that the Jeweler will make you sign if you want the goods,” said longtime Carpathian Mountains resident Vampira. “You can’t leave the mountains, you’re at constant war with the elements and the rock monsters, and you can’t keep any company. You’re forced to be alone for eternity. I’ve been trying to find the guy for years and make the deal. Some vampires can dream, can’t they?”

The curse, as you’ve probably figured out, is a catch 22. Once you have the fortune, you can’t do anything with it because you’re nowhere near civilization to spend any of it. It’s said that the Jeweler was cursed because he horded his treasures and never shared it with anyone.

“What a fantastic curse,” said a Carpathian Mountains werewolf. “I wouldn’t even want to spend it. Can you imagine having all those gems and jewels to yourself? I’d roll around in it, sleep in it, bathe in it . . . I don’t even like to bathe. But the bottom line is: No one is ever going to find that Traveling Jeweler. We’re all cursed. And not in a good way.”

For those who want to try their luck anyway, go into the mountains and look for an old, hutched-over man dressed in steampunk fashion, sporting a walking stick, massive amounts of jewelry on his wrists and around his neck, an assortment of stuffed potato sacks tied to his body, and a cloth mask and goggles on his face. Be advised: He doesn’t move like an old man. Some think he’s either a super monster or a ghost because he scales the mountains in leaps and bounds. He’s quick and he’s quiet as can be.

Seriously, you’re never gonna find him. You’ll freeze to death in those mountains in a matter of hours. It’s best you just drop by the Carpathian Mountains Souvenir Store in Carpathian Circle and get yourself the next best thing to all those priceless rocks, gems and jewels, and that’s some authentic Carpathian Mountain Rock Candy, made with real melted glacier ice, sediment and rock monster saliva. The only curse you’ll receive is an empty wallet—that candy costs $10.27 a bag, and you’ll want at least three-dozen cases.

President Dracula giving blood substitute to others, keeping good stuff for himself

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- The media called out President Count Dracula last night for using a blood substitute in his law-ordered blood misters installed at establishments with patios and outdoor areas in several Transyl-vein-ia districts, but the vampire king said it was not true.

According to sources, Drac saved the all-natural blood for the monster mister system he put in over the weekend throughout his home district of the Carpathian Mountains.

“Not true,” the president said, and he left it at that.

When asked to explain the unnatural sweetness of the blood coming from misters in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, the Mad ScienceDistrict, Transyl-vein-ia Hills and Werewolftown, with claims that it has the consistency of corn syrup and, therefore, most likely made from corn syrup, Dracula had just a two-word response:

“Not true.”

The blood from the misters is sticky, though.

“Not true.”

But it is true, and sources have concluded that the blood in the new Carpathian Mountains misters, which is like a massive sprinkler system strategically placed at the highest peaks of the mountains, spraying blood all over the region, is the only real blood being used today.

“Not true.”

Experts have proof that vampires are getting nourishment from the misters in the Carpathian Mountains, and vampires in other districts are going up in flames during failed, tired attempts to make it back to their coffins before sunrise.

“Not true.”

Charcoaled vampire corpses are being found on the streets every day. Check the morgue.

“Not true.”

There’s also scientific confirmation that these vampires had fake blood in their blood stream, hence, leaving them without the sustenance they needed to make it back to their graves.

“Not true.”

Face it -- there’s real blood being used in the Carpathian Mountains and fake blood being used everywhere else.

“Not true.”

There’s even video showing real blood from actual living presences being pumped through the Carpathian Mountains misters and fake blood from thousands of tubes of fake blood bought at CVS being pushed through the misters in other districts.

“So not true.”

Look in the dumpsters -- you’ll see the empty tubes.

“It’s just not true.”

Did you know Dracula sucks his thumb? We have evidence: He’s doing it right now.

“Come on. Not true.”

And he really has no brides, even though he tells everyone he has three. Has anyone ever seen him with even one of these so-called brides?

“Again, not true.”

So, Dracula just wants everyone to believe that whatever he says is fact.

“Now that,” he said, “is true. So, so true.”

Transyl-vein-ia Hills community thrilled with Pres. Drac’s new blood misters law

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- President Count Dracula has been making his way through all of Transyl-vein-ia, passing ordinances requiring establishments with patios or outdoor areas to install blood misters. Transyl-vein-ia Hills is the next district in line to get the law, following Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and the Mad Science District.

According to a poll, the residents here fully support the president.

“We love the idea and can’t wait to get the refreshing, replenishing blood misters spraying mists of blood all over all of us at our outdoor eateries and malls,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hills native Van Pyre. “It’s good for the environment, too. The blood used in the misters is all natural, organic and totally free of garlic.”

Those in favor of the blood misters were previously against a similar proposal to get the evaporative cooling and drinking systems in outdoor areas. Former President Electrified Creature, during his campaign, promised to bring blood misters to Transyl-vein-ia Hills as a ploy to get the vampire vote, and all of Transyl-vein-ia Hills dismissed it as a ridiculous law, claiming that “blood misters would make a mess of the town.”

“That was different,” Pyre said. “The Electrified Creature isn’t a vampire, so of course we didn’t agree with him.”

When asked if non-vampire residents feel the same way, Pyre said they do because even non-vampires in the area are under some vampire’s spell, so they have to take a vampire’s side.

Little do those like Pyre know, the blood misters law is really a carry-over piece of legislation from the Electrified Creature’s administration, and not the work of President Dracula.

“That can’t be true,” Pyre said. “If it were, we all wouldn’t be in favor of it. But we are in favor of it, so it must be Dracula’s doing.”

President Count Dracula signs order to install blood misters downtown

By Ouwt Onthetown

Staff Night Life Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Water misters are a great way to cool off during the hot, hot summer. Blood misters cool you off and quench your thirst as well.

President Count Dracula, who just took office on Monday, passed his first piece of legislation, ordering all downtown establishments with patios or other outdoor areas to install blood misters for patrons who are hot and a little thirsty, too.

“A misting system works on the simple principle of evaporative cooling and drinking,” the president said. “When the blood mist hits your skin, it feels good. But it also seeps into your pores, and your body essentially drinks it up for convenient replenishment. These days, convenience is king, and that’s why I want all places downtown with outdoor areas to have these systems. And also because I said so.”

The Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, the Downtown Train Station and the Transyl-vein-ia Grille are the first places to get the misters. They’ve been operational since yesterday morning. Critics say they’re making a bloody mess.

“Not only is the air all red,” said the Hunchback locked away in the Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, “but it’s turning the buildings and park benches and vehicles all red. And all the monsters are red, too. I get the appeal, but I feel like it’s a little much.”

Dracula told similar naysayers and “NIMBYists” (monsters who claim “Not In My Backyard) at a protest outside of the Fright House last night that he’s going to keep all the misters right where they are.

“Because I said so,” he said.

And he’s going to continue his plan to finish what he started.

“Because I said so,” he added.

The Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, the Museum of Modern Hearts and the picnic grounds near the Mighty Vein River are the next places in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia to get the additions. Time will tell if these misters have long-term effects on its monster residents and visitors or the environment.

Transyl-vein-a elects president . . . kinda

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Transyl-vein-ia was supposed to elect a new president last Nov. 1, but monsters were too tired or distracted following Halloween festivities and forgot all about it, and as a result, Count Dracula, last night, appointed “his truly” to fill the spot. He's the new president.

Our former leader, the Electrified Creature, who got an extra year out of his presidency due to the failed election last year, told Jack-o’-Lantern Press that he was happy to give up his electric chair.

“I’m tired of being the ruler of the creep world,” the Electrified Creature said in statement he issued last night following the news of Drac’s self-appointed presidency. “If he thinks he can make Transyl-vein-ia a more terrifying place to live and scare, I wish him all the bad luck he can get.”

Transyl-vein-ians had a choice between five candidates on the ballot last year. Jason the slasher psycho, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman and Count Dracula all had strong platforms. A national poll in mid-October showed the slasher psycho was in the lead.

However, none of that matters now because, in the dead of the night, the world’s leading bloodsucker moved his coffin and a few dump trucks full of Carpathian Mountain dirt into the Fright House at 1666 Transyl-vein-ia Ave. in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and set up shop.

“I’m the new king,” he told reporters this morning before the sun came up. “Since we don’t have any real form of government here, no monster can really do anything about it. If they’d like, they can run for office in four years to change how things work around here. Until then, I call the shots around here. And right now a shot of B12 sounds mighty tasty.”

Dracula’s running mates had little to say on the matter. The Wolfman growled, Frankenstein’s Monster groaned, the Creature from the Black Lagoon gurgled and Jason the slasher psycho doesn’t even talk.

"The Frankenstein Monster calls me master, anyway," President Count Dracula said.

So that’s that. Hail to the new chief. Already, the new president is asleep on the job. Fright House officials suggest he’ll awake when the sun goes down this evening.

Great Pumpkin to celebrate cartoon

The Great Pumpkin plans to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” tonight with some friends in an undisclosed, very sincere pumpkin patch somewhere in the United States as a way to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Halloween cartoon classic.

That’s right, on Oct. 27, 1966, the animated holiday special made its debut on national television, and the Great Pumpkin is thrilled that it’s still one of the most popular holiday traditions of all time.

“Not one of the most popular holiday traditions,” the Great Pumpkin corrected me. “It is the most popular holiday tradition. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say it’s the best thing ever made.”

Some of the monster world’s notables attending the event this evening include the Groovie Goolies, the dancing skeletons from Walt Disney’s “The Skeleton Dance” and presidential candidate Count Dracula.

“I’m looking forward to seeing the cartoon again,” said Dracula. “I love the part where Lucy is sleeping and gets up to find Linus in the pumpkin patch. I’m pretty sure the front door of the house is left unlocked. I could easily get in there without scaling walls or turning into a bat or green mist for a little blood when she goes back to sleep. It’s fantasy, but it’s escapism at its best.”

-Linus

National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.