Goblin falls out of tree in human world, unknowingly taken to pet hospital

By Al “Things” Green

Staff Night Creatures Writer

A senior goblin who’s still hiding in trees and scaring kids for a living fell out of a large oak last night in a Northern California suburb and was taken to an animal hospital, unbeknownst to him, to be treated for a broken leg, a broken arm, a sprained wrist and neck troubles.

The Goblin, 171 years old, told hospital representatives that he’s never been treated so poorly in all his life.

“I get no respect in this hospital, no respect at all,” Goblin said. “When I got here, two men were wrestling me to the ground. I yelled for help. Someone ran in and put a muzzle on me. The two men told me, ‘Thanks for the call. We couldn’t have done that on our own.’

“Are you kidding me?” Goblin added. “I told the nurse I needed help going to the bathroom. She put me on a leash and walked me around the block three times.

“I said, ‘I just wanna be treated like the rest of the patients around here.’ They gave me a bone.

“What’s a guy gotta do to get a little respect around here? I’m the goblin that inspired Jack Prelutsky’s goblin poem in his popular ‘It’s Halloween’ book. So I tell the doctor I’m famous and ask if I can get a room I don’t have to share with a bunch dogs. They throw me in my own personal crate.

“And this doctor,” Goblin said. “This doctor was dumb. He asked why I was in that tree in the first place. I told him I still have to work for a living. Not just for the money, but for the benefits, too. He said, ‘What do you know? You also talk.’ He was a dumb doctor.

“He was so dumb, I told him I didn’t have a tail when he asked what happened to it, and then he laughed and said, ‘I didn’t think people still clipped Dobermans’ tails these days.’ This doctor was dumb.”

Yeah, we know -- so are these jokes.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.