We have an election

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer 

President Count Dracula is up for re-election, and this time around, despite wanting all the power in the previous election, and due to the presidency being “a lot of fargin’ work,” he chose a running mate. On the ballot with him is the Monster’s Mate. To contest “duttt mmmrrrfffing toxic union,” Frankenstein’s Monster decided to run, but no monster could really understand his mumblings, so they knocked him down to the vice president slot (VPs don’t do anything anyway), and the Invisible Man, who developed anger issues as a result of using Monocane while experimenting with invisibility, is naturally pissed off and a shoe in to debate “that arrogant a-hole” Drac because Drac is, well, sometimes an arrogant a-hole. These are the issues. Forget about the good and bad of the nation.

Mortal combat will begin soon. Vote for Prez and Vice Prez this Halloween.

Transyl-vein-a elects president . . . kinda

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Transyl-vein-ia was supposed to elect a new president last Nov. 1, but monsters were too tired or distracted following Halloween festivities and forgot all about it, and as a result, Count Dracula, last night, appointed “his truly” to fill the spot. He's the new president.

Our former leader, the Electrified Creature, who got an extra year out of his presidency due to the failed election last year, told Jack-o’-Lantern Press that he was happy to give up his electric chair.

“I’m tired of being the ruler of the creep world,” the Electrified Creature said in statement he issued last night following the news of Drac’s self-appointed presidency. “If he thinks he can make Transyl-vein-ia a more terrifying place to live and scare, I wish him all the bad luck he can get.”

Transyl-vein-ians had a choice between five candidates on the ballot last year. Jason the slasher psycho, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman and Count Dracula all had strong platforms. A national poll in mid-October showed the slasher psycho was in the lead.

However, none of that matters now because, in the dead of the night, the world’s leading bloodsucker moved his coffin and a few dump trucks full of Carpathian Mountain dirt into the Fright House at 1666 Transyl-vein-ia Ave. in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and set up shop.

“I’m the new king,” he told reporters this morning before the sun came up. “Since we don’t have any real form of government here, no monster can really do anything about it. If they’d like, they can run for office in four years to change how things work around here. Until then, I call the shots around here. And right now a shot of B12 sounds mighty tasty.”

Dracula’s running mates had little to say on the matter. The Wolfman growled, Frankenstein’s Monster groaned, the Creature from the Black Lagoon gurgled and Jason the slasher psycho doesn’t even talk.

"The Frankenstein Monster calls me master, anyway," President Count Dracula said.

So that’s that. Hail to the new chief. Already, the new president is asleep on the job. Fright House officials suggest he’ll awake when the sun goes down this evening.

Debate fight ends debate tonight

The Wolf Man didn’t attack Count Dracula’s policy on blood banks in Transyl-vein-ia. He just attacked Count Dracula.

Then Drac bit back. Frankenstein’s Monster got a claw to the face, hurled a fist for Wolf and it landed on Jason instead. Jason pulled his machete, swung for Monster and sliced Wolf. Sea Creature must’ve felt he was missing out, so he jumped in.

“Before we could even ask the first question, the five presidential candidates were in full ‘discussion,’” said the moderator of this evening’s town hall debate, which took place at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. “Those who were undecided before tonight came away with a much better idea of who they want for Transyl-vein-ia President after witnessing the dispute.”

Several monsters said they have a much clearer view of the candidates’ policies after the rumble.

“I appreciate the more informal town hall debates,” said a goblin in the audience. “It’s not as stiff as the regular, more formal debates. And now I know who I want as our next president. I even got a sticker with my candidate of choice. Go Sea Creature!”

Monsters will go to the polls on Tues., Nov. 8 to choose who they want to rule this great monster land. No need to register. Just go vote.

-Werewolf Blitzer

National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

Monster election pins to be sent back

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

With election night fast approaching on Nov. 1 and Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential race really heating up, there was no room for Transyl-vein-ia to get their election buttons wrong.

According to a Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts representative, who wishes to remain anonymous, staff received over 300,000 Election “Day” buttons, even though elections, for the past five centuries, have taken place during the night when most monsters, ghouls and goblins are more willing to go out and punch a ticket.

“When I find the monster that made this mistake, not only is this thing gonna be out of a job, it’s also gonna be forced to go work in the human sector,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts Manager Afftur Yersoul. “Who in Hell -- or anywhere else in this region -- goes out to vote in the day?”

Yersoul launched an investigation to pin the thing down that did this. New buttons with the words "Election Night" have already been ordered. Only a dozen blue-collar workers were fired to pay for the expense.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will keep you up to date on the big button investigation and on the monster election as we approach the final weeks of the race.