Monster Mondays are back!

By Jack O. Lantern “Head’ Writer/Editor

It’s Monster Monday!

The guys from the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast finally got up off their keesters and are back with a Monster Mondays episode on the show, this one on a definite loser -- I mean a definite classic monster.

Sure, maybe this particular monster doesn’t move the fastest, doesn’t do much to scare anyone . . . at all. He basically just moans and groans like a dummy. I’m sure there’s a totally good reason why, then, that Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella chose to do an entire episode -- the longest Monster Monday episode to date -- on this idiot.

Click HERE to hear the show. Then tell us what you think by emailing us at JackoLanternPress@gmail.com or by calling our Pumpkin Hotline at 323-761-0276.

Oh, and let’s all pay close attention to the section in the episode (at around 9 minutes and 48 seconds into the show) where Greg Douglas from the Nightmare365 podcast promises (crosses his heart and hopes to die) to purchase and bring this glorious costume to life this Halloween:

I know I speak for all of you Halloweeniacs out there when I say that the Halloween world not only wants this, it needs it. 

Call Nightmare365 at 732-660-8893 to share your support for Greg. With your help, Greg will be the Pumpkin Mascot of Halloween 2021!

Ancient mummy missing

By Barry Olde

Staff Dust To Dust Writer

The Mummy was reported AWOL over the weekend. According to officials, the classic monster had a two-day head start. After an exhaustive search of the famous Valley of Doom tomb, authorities found the bandage-wrapped fiend halfway down the hall making a “run” for it. He was heavily fatigued and very much out of breath.

Mummy seen picking up box of Band-Aids

VALLEY OF DOOM -- An unidentified mummy was seen picking up a box of Band-Aids this evening in a drug store down on the lower east side of Tombtown. Several eyewitnesses made the same report. “I saw him go into the store, stand in line at the ice cream counter like he was gonna get a cone, then he turned, doubled his pace to the first-aid aisle and picked up a box of those Hydro Seals all nonchalant-like,” said a chupacabra who was at the store looking for a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce. “He seemed to be transfixed with the text on the box that said something about the bandages containing some new technology that performs like no other so you can perform like no other. It’s true -- they’re pretty good Band-Aids. I’ve used ‘em before.” According to the clerk at the store, the mummy dropped a 20-dollar bill on the counter and didn’t even wait for his change. He cut out of the store with the box of Hydro Seals, hopped into his red 1987 IROC-Z, and tore up the sand on the way back to his tomb. Those who witnessed the incident said they’d never forget it.

National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.

Valley of Doom ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- everything’s dead out here

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

If your idea of a vacation to the Valley of Doom was a couple days or a week or two, and not the rest of your life, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to Tombtown in the first place. Tough to get out of those bandages you’re wrapped in, especially when you’re inside a sarcophagus. It’s that plain and simple. Ah, the simple things . . .

You can holler and scream if you’d like, but it won’t do you any good. If you’re a werewolf, you might try to shred the bandages off your body with your teeth. That’ll work. The bandages aren’t so tough to get through. However, you’ll never get out of that casket. Those things hold in the worst curses.

And now you’ll never get to search for those ancient scrolls that are supposed to be buried somewhere in these parts. Folks say the scrolls hold the secrets to monster life. They might even tell you how to get out of that sarcophagus and those bandages you’re in.

But you’ll never know.

You’ll never be able to stop by the Valley Inn and Tennis Club. Located in the middle of the Valley in the middle of nowhere, the inn is one of the most famous resorts in Transyl-vein-ia.

Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, the Invisible Man, Medusa, Greta Witch and the Voodoo Queen have all been guests there at one time or another. Nighttime activities include golf, horseback riding, horseshoes, archery, Ping-Pong, shuffleboard, swimming, card tournaments and, of course, tennis -- all the things monsters like doing when they’re not wielding chainsaws, stomping on metropolises or sinking fangs into some poor victim’s neck. Each evening there’s dancing and entertainment. It’s a heck of a good time.

But you’ll never know.

You’ll never be able to hitch a ride from one of the big rigs cruising Hell’s Highway. You’ll never get a chance to stay at the Motel 666 (where they’ll turn the lights out on you).

Ah, the open highway -- it would’ve taken you out of the Valley of Doom. If you couldn’t thumb a ride, you would’ve had no problem finding a trucker to tag along with at El Diablo Truck Stop.

You would’ve been passing Fat Jack Manor by now. It’s right off the highway. Folks are always breaking down near the old place. They go to the door to ask to use a phone. Never mind all the cakes, candy, machetes and axes lying around. Just don’t call Jack fat, or . . .

It doesn’t matter. You’ll never know if you would’ve been one of the lucky ones to survive Fat Jack’s wrath. You’ll never know if you would’ve been one of the few to survive the demon trucks on that route either.

If only you didn’t stop in Tombtown. You could’ve been on Hell’s Highway. Although, according to legend, those who get onto Hell’s Highway never get off. It just keeps going and going and going in this endless valley. There are no u-turns, no right turns, no left turns . . . The highway is never-ending. Maybe you chose wisely by stopping off in Tombtown. Maybe you avoided a far worse fate.

But you’ll never know because you came to the Valley of Doom for the simple things. And now you’ve got the mummy’s curse for eternity. In other words: You're stuck here. There’s nothing complicated about that.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Valley of Doom ‘Hidden Harms’ -- they’re hiding in the middle of nowhere

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

It’s the journey that matters, not the destination. But the destination is the Valley of Doom.

If you’ve spent the money on the plane ticket and you’ve already put down a deposit on the room at Doc Howliday’s Hotel and Saloon, then chances are you’ve come to realize the Valley of Doom is really just one big desert. Maybe you knew that coming in, but now you sure’s well know there isn’t a whole lot to do here.

Bear with me a moment. If life’s all about the journey and not the destination, then that means it’s the little things that count. And I got a slew of little things here just dying to eat you, and then some.

Here are a bunch of little great things you’ll find in the Valley of Doom that you’ll just love:

Clean shave

Stop by Butcher’s Barbershop and Meat Market in Border Basin for a clean shave. There’s nothing like it. Even if you plan on going nowhere for the next few months (and if you’re in the Valley of Doom, you ain’t goin’ nowhere for at least a few months), there’s something about a sharp blade against your skin (or scales, depending on your orientation) that really takes the cake. It’s when that blade gets to your neck and the barber slips . . . You can’t buy that kind of pleasure. (Getting butchered at Butcher’s, by the way, is $1.99.)

Food waiting for you

Stop by any hole-in-the-wall eatery in Border Basin, and you’ll smell food cooking. You’re very tired, you had a long day in the heat, and you haven’t got the energy to cook your own grub. Try the Broken Spoke. Can you smell that steak and those potatoes and beans? The food’s always waiting for you at your table. It’ll wait for you to sit down. Then it’ll jump up and get you in one big bite.

All eyes on you

Go into any saloon in Monster Mesa just outside of Border Basin, and all eyes are on you, stranger. The talking stops. The piano stops. Don’t you just love that silence? What follows is pretty much your destruction.

Boom!

The Monster Mountain Mine in Monster Mesa has a rickety ol’ railroad that’ll take you deep into the farthest depths of the mountain. Ghosts are at play in there. And bats come swooping down on you from every angle. The real pleasure comes when you hear that BOOM sound. Folks just love that racket, especially when there’s no time to get back out of the mine. Even the runaway mine train is nowhere to be found because it usually runs away while you’re admiring the rock formations inside the mountain. That BOOM sound is from the dynamiting. BOOOOOOOOM! BAM! CRASH! It’s the little things . . .

Echo

Out there in the Valley you can shout and hear your echo. It’s a child’s joy, but we all love doing it. However, I think we can all agree that it’s the growl that follows that makes us smile most, especially when it’s the actual growl you hear, not just the echo. The beast is close.

Waking up in the middle of nowhere

Just when you thought it was all a dream, you wake up from your heat exhaustion snooze and find yourself in the middle of the hottest desert anywhere, full of deadly predators and no water whatsoever. It’s a dream come true.

Dust

You’re in a mummy’s tomb somewhere in Tombtown. It’s full of cobwebs. And dust! Lots and lots of dust. There’s dust in your nose, dust in your throat, dust in your lungs . . . You can’t even breathe because there’s so much dust in you and all around you. Gesundheit. You’re welcome.

The flute

Ah, Mummy’s Marketplace in Tombtown -- it’s crowded with monsters buying and selling goods. Suddenly you hear that most pleasing sound: the flute. It makes such beautiful music. Those snakes coming out of the baskets near you are the real treats.

Amulet of Doom

There’s nothing like a night out at the Kafe Klaris in Tombtown (the famous mummy crooner, Klaris, just opened the swinging place a couple hundred years ago). Good food, good entertainment from the Klarisketeers . . . and good fortune from the Amulet of Doom, which is in your coat pocket. You may not even know it’s there until it’s too late. Good times.

Your bed all made up for you

It’s been a long day, you’ve had all the terrors and doom you can stand. You go into the Oasis in Tombtown for some rest and relief. There’s a bed made up for you. Don’t you love the feel of fresh sheets? And when the tombkeepers wrap you in all those bandages, and then the lid of the sarcophagus closes on you -- never to be opened again for all of eternity -- you know it’s all over. Talk about simple pleasures. Tony Bennett may’ve sung a song about leaving his heart in San Francisco, but if he were with you now in the Valley of Doom, he’d have a whole lot more to sing about leaving behind in this place. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Valley of Doom ‘Rot Spots’ -- where to go to get some rays

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

Creatures love one another, acts of kindness are becoming the norm and good fortune is all around us.

Whoa! It’s getting pretty ugly out there, and not in a good way.

That’s why sometimes you have to get away from your everyday.

That sometime is now!

But you don’t have to go on big trips to get big results. It’s often the simple places and simple things you do that make such a terrifying difference.

So many monsters don’t realize that eating chupacabra on a stick could bring such joy to one’s life, especially when the chupacabra eats back. How about that sinking feeling you discover when you get caught in quicksand . . . and there’s no way out? So cool. There’s also the pleasure you get out of unassumingly leaning against a wall, the wall rotating, and you finding yourself in a snake-infested mummy’s tomb.

If you’re looking for the small displeasures in life, a place where you can breathe the sand-filled air or somewhere to go to get a really, really, REALLY good tan, try the Valley of Doom.

Over the past few hundred years, the Valley of Doom has grown into a place where monsters from any world can come to stretch out their limbs and savor the minor pains we often overlook. There’s no denying that funny, tickly feeling you get when your skin is melting off your bones as you traverse the broiling hot Valley.

Upon your arrival, stop at Border Basin. There’s no better place to find a few things to make you frown.

At the Valley Outfitter right there on the main stretch of the old ghost town, you can get yourself fitted for a hat, boots, sidearm and noose. Sure, maybe the rope is too loose around your neck, it’s a bit frayed, and the tree branch at the other end is dry as a bone and wouldn’t stop your fall if your death depended on it (and it does), but how cool will you be when the rope tightens and you can rock that dangling-eyeballs look throughout the rest of your trip?

Get yourself some of that aforementioned chupacabra from Chupacabra Village. There, you can pick up some of the best prepared vampire beast from Chupacabra Kitchen (it’s a great outdoor eatery), or you can get it fresh next door at Goat Sucker Farms where they breed more chupacabra than anyone else this and that side of the border.

Get it to go. Throughout your day, you can dip your claws into the crinkly paper bag carrying your lunch and pick away at the contents. And just when you think you’ve finished (here comes the best part), your lunch picks away at you. Yes!

Have you heard of the Everything Ever After Network? Of course you have. Who hasn’t? It's a list of little things that make big differences. But those who participate in the Ev-Ev-Aft Network don't always come by those little things so easily. They start out wanting their cake, and they want to eat it, too. They hold the belief that it’s really dumb to bite off more than they can chew. But they go after “everything ever after” anyway.

In the Valley of Doom, there is no cake. This is a desert, not dessert. So there’s nothing here to want, nothing here to eat and nothing here too big to chew. Where the Ev-Ev-After-ers get it right is in their takeaway from their experiences. They go after family and career, six jobs at the same time so they can afford the lavish lifestyle they so desire . . . and still they want more. These American Dream chasers are after it all, after all. And in the end they get squat.

Or do they? It takes time, but the Ev-Ev-After-ers eventually find their true “everything ever after.” When they’re climbing for the peaks, they often find themselves in the valley, and it’s in the valley where they discover those little things -- pure, joyful doom. And it’s THE PITS!

That’s right, the Pits are a series of holes in the ground. If you fall in one, it’ll swallow you up. You ever run your hands through sand? The warm, fine grains go between your fingers, providing that calming sensory experience. Imagine that same experience, but all over your body as sand from the top of the pit you’re in covers you and you can’t breathe anymore. The best part is: You don’t have to do anything to get that experience. You don’t have to pay anything to get that experience. All you had to do was fall in a hole. Just one of the perks you get by being in the Valley.

The Quicksand Ranch has similar appeal. Critics have said, “This place sinks!”

And the Death Walk Tours -- you don’t go into a long hike through nothing to nothing and expect some big material gain. But, like the Ev-Ev-After-ers often discover in the end of their journeys, you wind up finding some other kind of bliss -- your very own “everything ever after” that comes as a result of the unique experience you had. In the case of the Death Walk Tours, you often discover hunger, dehydration, heat exhaustion, loss of skin, dry bones, buzzards from the Buzzard Bowl picking at you constantly . . . Need I share more?

Oh, but there’s much more here in the Valley of Doom. It’s just not as easy to find. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Wicked Witch has wardrobe malfunction during Witching Hour last night

By Vin “Skull” Eek

Staff Spooks Writer

The Wicked Witch of the North set off a Witching Hour firestorm last night at the annual Witching Hour festival in Spell Willows when her right breast was bared during the nationally televised opening ceremonies, which she performed with the wicked witches of the south, east and west.

The northern oldie was casting her big spell at about 12:10 a.m. in the Black Cauldron Encampment so that she and her sisters could transport monsters out of our dimension and into the human world for the Halloween season when she tossed a toad into her cauldron and lost her gown in a whirlwind of fiery witch magic. She later apologized for the incident and laid blame on her gown designer, Edith Headless.

“No, this was not an attempt to gain attention in the media,” North said. “It was a wardrobe malfunction.”

The Witching Hour festival began at around 11:30 last night when North and the other witches opened the portals to the human world. At midnight, they began casting spells around their cauldrons and were inviting The Original Mummy up to the main portal for the ceremonial first transportation.

“I haven’t been out haunting the human world since the Halloween season of ‘86,” Original said as he approached the portal. “Thank you all for giving me the first transportation. I’ll see you on the other side.”

That’s when North tossed that warty toad into her brew and her gown fell to the ground. Even mass mutilators, whom you’d think have seen it all, were shielding their eyes in great pain.

“I got nothing against North,” said a slasher psycho who wished to remain anonymous, “but she’s over three-hundred years old. Nothing can prepare you for what we saw. Nothing.”

North got the gown back on quickly, but the split–second exposure, witnessed by up to 100 million viewers, including those who were watching on their TV sets from their castles, tombs and haunted mansions, was enough to cause uproar.

“Ouwwww!” cried a pack of werewolves who were waiting their turn to be transported last night. But most monsters that witnessed the unveiling were upset. The Transyl-vein-ia TV switchboard was flooded with angry calls.

“I am outraged at the opening ceremonies of the Witching Hour,” one mother of several vampires wrote. “There was no warning whatsoever that it may not be appropriate for children who haven’t even see bare necks yet. I’m still feeding my babies their blood from a bottle.”

After a bit of chaos, the Witching Hour ceremonies eventually continued, the Original Mummy was sent off to the Human world, and other monsters were quick to follow.

North said she’d address the matter by turning her gown designer into a bug. Transyl-vein-ia TV officials said they’d put live presentations on a delay next time so that they’d have a chance to black out the broadcast if something like that were to happen again.

The festival will continue throughout the week as a record number of monsters are expected to travel to the human dimension to scare people for this Halloween season.