Victim at large in Camp Blood

By Jack O. Lantern “Head’ Writer/Editor

CAMP BLOOD — It’s only the morning of Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees has already got a 17-year-old female victim at large, Camp Blood officials said in a report. 

According to Jason’s dead mother, the victim, Betsy Bottoms, showed up last night with a group of teenagers. They were drinking, making out and skinny-dipping in the lake, she said.

“Jason was able to pick off a few of the little brats late last night while they were swimming, but one of those little hussies got away,” Mrs. Voorhees told Jack-o’-Lantern Press in an interview from her grave. “She even managed to stab my little boy in the eye with a pair of hedge shears. His eye will grow back in a sequel, no doubt, but that’s not the point. Those things are sharp!”

Camp counselors said they expect a storm tonight, which should kick up right as it gets dark — in true Camp Blood/Friday the 13th fashion. They expect Jason to catch up with Ms. Bottoms before the night is through.

According to Mrs. Voorhees, Jason is currently lying dormant during the day, but he’ll be out soon to finish unsettled business with little ol’ Betsy, don’t you worry. 

Camp Blood officials ask that if you see Ms. Bottoms or have any tips, please contact the Friday the 13th Special Victims Stalker Unit at FT13SVSU@CampBlood.mon using the Monster World Wide Web. They also advise psycho slashers out there to make wise choices by picking off victims during jump scares. Helpless teens are less likely to stick you with garden tools if they don’t know where you’re coming from.

Jason Voorhees disappoints all

The slasher psycho who wields a machete on this day of all days was once a hero in the monster world and the human world alike. His assaults on misbehaving teens, especially women whom he chased and would easily catch when they totally expectedly tripped over nothing, has been regarded as pure evil, a maverick in his field. Jason Voorhees, however, has now been charged with harassing and assaulting at least a dozen women, and many worlds are in shock.

The Friday-the-13th killer’s accusers claim he gave unwanted chase, lifted them up by their necks and sliced and diced them inappropriately. This case is going to court, and fans of Jason said they didn’t see this coming.

“We always thought he was the coolest of all the slasher psychos,” said fanboy and fellow terrorizer Jigsaw. “I think I speak for so many others when I say that we are shocked and even ashamed to be in league with someone like that.”

Asked if he’d be resigning from his position at Camp Crystal Lake, Jason had no words. He simply hacked up reporters in that Jason-like way we all know, love and respect. It seems that until someone brings him down, Mr. Voorhees will be conducting business as usual on the lake. Make all camping arrangements through Jason’s monster world website at CampingToursToDieFor.mon. Happy Friday the 13th!

Friday the 13th, full moon & more

It’s going to be quite the night!

It’s Friday the 13th …

A full moon is out …

There’s a lightning storm on its way with enough activity for Dr. Frankenstein to harness the power needed to bring his newest creation to life …

Teenagers opened several mysteriously-locked R.L. Stine “Goosebumps” books …

A member of the Worrell family just finished building a tree house in the same oak a long lost ancestor used to seal away a deadly troll …

A devil-red 1958 Plymouth Fury is rolling off the assembly line …

A somewhat absent-minded skip tracer and a drunkard drained a pool of lethal, genetically altered piranha into the river system of the world …

An unwise archeologist opened a mummy’s tomb …

Gremlins ate after midnight and were exposed to an ungodly amount of water …

Some imbecile said the words “Klaatu, barada, Nnnn … Necktie” over the Book of the Dead …

Two dimwits at the Uneeda Medical Supply building accidentally released a military-produced chemical called 2-4-5 Trioxin, which rose into the air, fell back to the earth, and is now seeping into the ground of the nearby cemetery …

A babysitter put the kids to bed, then invited her boyfriend over for some lessons in French …

On the roof of a nearby apartment building, the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper are opening a supernatural gate for Gozer-worshippers …

Ummmm …

Can someone say house party? It’s happening over at that home built on ancient burial grounds.

Jason Voorhees 195?-1957-1981-1982-1984 … 2019

Jason Voorhees, the machete-wielding slasher psycho, died early this morning before the sun came up at Camp Slasher Psycho in Bigfoot National Park. The cause of death was heart failure. The horror legend was last seen frolicking from one cabin to the next, picking off teen campers by the baker’s dozen just hours before his body was found lying over a young couple he’d happily mutilated. Services will be held tomorrow evening. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky and several of Jason’s peers are said to be on hand to deliver moving eulogies. The ol’ boy will most likely be back sooner than later in a sequel or reboot at a theater near you.

Season 4 and more on its scary way

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Happy Friday the 13th! And with that, here comes Halloween in a fury.

As Jason sharpens his machete for his big night against teen angst, those of us here at Jack-o’-Lantern Press are pre-scaring for August 1 and the start of our eagerly anticipated, not-hyped-enough Season 4.

This year will be a special one as we report on the upcoming monster revolution and all the breaking monster happenings in the monster world of Transylveinya.

We’ll also see the release of the ultimate travel guide to the monster world, JLP’s “The Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons…And Mad Scientists, Too.”

So be sure to scurry back here in less than a month’s time for all the monster news and monster entertainment your monster mind craves.

This is your portal to the monster universe.

The clock is ticking…It’s almost time…

MONSTER UP!

#MonsterRevolution   #MonsterUp   #TransylveinyaTravelerBook

Jason adds Valley of Doom to Friday the 13th farewell tour

By Mac Hete

Staff Home Slice Writer

VALLEY OF DOOM -- It wouldn’t be a trip to the desert without a visit to the center of the desert.

Several uninhabited barren spots in the Valley of Doom are only a few Transyl-vein-ia landmarks that slasher psycho Jason will stop by during his Friday the 13th farewell tour.

“He’ll be talking to fans and signing autographs,” said his mother and agent, Pamela. “And then he’ll be done forever. The end, the final chapter, he goes to Hell for good . . . He will die! But don’t worry -- he’ll be back in another, even more final farewell tour next Friday the 13th for a new beginning. He will live again!”

Other spots on Jason’s tour include Quicksand Ranch, Motel 666 on Hell’s Highway, The Oasis in Tombtown and the Monster Mountain Mine on Monster Mesa. He’ll also stop by other landmarks outside of the Valley of Doom. For a detailed tour list of landmarks in Transyl-vein-ia, go to Jason’s official tour site at CutAboveTheRest.mon.

If you plan on seeing Jason, be advised: the famous slasher psycho will not be signing DVDs or hockey masks. He’ll be signing limbs only. And he’ll be signing them with his steel imported Gerber Gator machete wielding a 15-inch blade on one side and an 18-inch high performance saw blade on the other. Be prepared to run. He likes the chase.

National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.