Werewolves and chupacabras — best of both worlds?

By Michael Picarella Staff ‘Human World’ Columnist

Happy Cinco de Mayo! And a merry Full Moon!

This evening we can expect chupacabras and werewolves to be out and about, on the prowl and wreaking havoc on some human beings near you — maybe even on you. These beasties certainly have been in my thoughts the last few days.

I typically like to watch the 2013 “classic” made-for-TV movie “Chupacabra vs. the Alamo” on this day each May, but as the full moon was drawing closer this week, I dug into a new book that’s now got me stuck on werewolves. Ronald Kelly’s “Undertaker’s Moon,” which has been described as a graveyard feast under the summer moon about a rural Tennessee town facing a hellish lycanthrope from ancient Ireland, has sunk its teeth into me. While reading it, I’ve also been taking in a few full moon classics on Shudder.

As of this writing, the horror streaming service is offering various collections under the heading “Tales of the Supernatural.” One of the collections in that grouping is called “Full Moon Fever,” and there are currently 10 titles — movies and a TV series — that feature lycanthropes. In the last week alone, I’ve watched 1985’s “The Company of Wolves,” 1996’s “Bad Moon” and 2015’s “Howl.”

The latter film was a real treat. It kind of reminded me of the great zombie flick “Train to Busan,” which actually came out in 2016, a year after the release of “Howl.” “Howl” is a British horror film about the last train out of London on a dark stormy night that breaks down in a forest filled with — hint, hint — some creatures of the night that howl. I thought this film was made in response to the success of “Busan,” which is a South Korean action horror picture about passengers trapped on a train during a zombie outbreak, but it looks like “Howl” had it licked.

“Busan” is probably the better film, though “Howl” is a great, atmospheric, creepy werewolf tale with some grisly lycanthropes and lycanthrope action that you shouldn’t overlook.

And while I’ve been feasting on werewolves, and still wanting more, I did want to pay my respects to the goatsuckers of the world for Cinco de Mayo. Yesterday I discovered the werewolf-like chupacabra (perhaps the best of both the werewolf and chupacabra worlds) in the 2022 Netflix series called “The Imperfects.” This show is about three young adults who, after an experimental gene therapy that’s turned them into a human that transforms into a chupacabra, a banshee and a succubus, band together and hunt down the scientist responsible.

Perhaps “The Imperfects” is a bit too flashy, even for me — I love excessive style. Maybe it’s just too loud, too noisy. It’s a very cool idea, and I loved the monsters, especially the chupacabra. It could just be that the execution didn’t work for me. Or maybe I didn’t want to follow these characters. But after one episode, I haven’t been itching to watch another one. I hate to write that. Hey, the urge to jump back into the series might strike at midnight. 

Until then, however, I’m chomping at the bit to read more of “Undertaker’s Moon.” I’m reaching the halfway point in the novel, and as of now, I’m highly recommending it, for what that’s worth. Order the book on author Ronald Kelly’s website, and he’ll sign your book with an illustration. Totally digging what he put in mine ...

Now, if you must go out tonight to celebrate the full moon or Mexico’s 1862 victory over the Second French Empire, please watch for beasties. Track werewolves who may be near you with the Werewolf Locator app. As for tracking chupacabra, you’re out of luck there. I recommend brute force — strong blows to the creature’s noggin and hard kicks to the chest.

Friday the 13th, full moon & more

It’s going to be quite the night!

It’s Friday the 13th …

A full moon is out …

There’s a lightning storm on its way with enough activity for Dr. Frankenstein to harness the power needed to bring his newest creation to life …

Teenagers opened several mysteriously-locked R.L. Stine “Goosebumps” books …

A member of the Worrell family just finished building a tree house in the same oak a long lost ancestor used to seal away a deadly troll …

A devil-red 1958 Plymouth Fury is rolling off the assembly line …

A somewhat absent-minded skip tracer and a drunkard drained a pool of lethal, genetically altered piranha into the river system of the world …

An unwise archeologist opened a mummy’s tomb …

Gremlins ate after midnight and were exposed to an ungodly amount of water …

Some imbecile said the words “Klaatu, barada, Nnnn … Necktie” over the Book of the Dead …

Two dimwits at the Uneeda Medical Supply building accidentally released a military-produced chemical called 2-4-5 Trioxin, which rose into the air, fell back to the earth, and is now seeping into the ground of the nearby cemetery …

A babysitter put the kids to bed, then invited her boyfriend over for some lessons in French …

On the roof of a nearby apartment building, the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper are opening a supernatural gate for Gozer-worshippers …

Ummmm …

Can someone say house party? It’s happening over at that home built on ancient burial grounds.

Letters from the Lab: Werewolf pet project gonna have to wait

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- I got back to the lab yesterday, tired.

Some mad scientists get to spend their entire days trying to take over the world. I work a day job.

It all started a few weeks ago, when the wife and I were going through our finances and we noticed, as of late, that we’d been spending far too much money on robot armies, magnifying rays and, of course, more books -- every lab needs an unhealthy supply of books.

So I decided to get a job over at Evil-more Shopping Mart down on Doom Drive. Yesterday, it was one of those coupon days at the store and the place was packed with mad men and women coming in for price adjustments on brains, body parts, corpses . . . You mame it. Needless to say, I had my share of exposure to imbeciles for a while, even though I’m due back at the place five days of the week, every week for the time being.

Anyway, I got home from work, and the wife called and asked to pick up the kid from mad scientist school and take him to grave-robbing practice. Then she told me she was running late due to traffic on the moving sidewalk, and she wanted to know if I could make dinner, too.

I heated up some leftover chemical creations I’d scienced up over the weekend, and by the time I’d picked up the kid, the wife got home and we’d all had dinner, I was too tired to tinker with my little pet project in the basement. The guy I had tied up down there turned into a werewolf -- because it was a full moon last night -- and even though I had him hooked up to the machines and everything, I just didn’t feel like going through the whole process of transferring his lycanthrope energy over to the man-made monster I’ve been working on here and there for the past six months.

I ended up staying upstairs in my favorite chair in my study, falling asleep listening to episode after episode of this serialized murder-mystery podcast I recently discovered.

Tonight, there’s another full moon out. But it was also another coupon day at the store, another day of price adjustments and imbeciles, another night of picking up the kid, dropping off the kid and making dinner, and another night that that werewolf in my basement is gonna go through his transformation hooked up to all those machines again, and my man-made monster project’s gonna have to wait yet again, probably till the next full moon. I’ve just gotta say that this podcast I’m listening to is really gettin’ good!

Werewolftown ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- you’ll howl while on the prowl

By The Lyle Canthrope

Staff Werewolf Writer

No, the moon isn’t always full in Werewolftown. But werewolves are always on the run in this part of Transyl-vein-ia. That’s because werewolves don’t need the full moon. The full moon only makes it easier for you to see where the heck you’re running all night.

It’s true, according to some experts, the full moon can bring out a wilder beast in you, but a werewolf is a werewolf and transforms back into a human only during the day. He/she is back on his/her paws every night. This is Werewolftown, home of the original strain of werewolves. This isn’t the human world of watered-down lycanthropes. So while you might be anticipating a moon that’s no longer big and bright in hopes you won’t have to keep running around so much on the hunt for anything and everything to satisfy your never-ending meat craving, think again. 

There are places in Werewolftown, however, where you can be more at peace with your lycanthropy. Out past Gypsy Village lies Werewolf Woods. You’ll still be on the prowl (those instincts don’t go away), but there’s a calm and quietness in those woods that’ll help the animal in you chill a bit, if only just for a bit. And the thick fog can be quite soothing as you breathe it in while you roam.

Out there you can howl and the sound reverberates off the pines. It’s so harmonious, but only to a werewolf’s ears. Everything else wants you to shut your face.

In the woods, you may come across Reverend Slade in his pipe organ wagon. Slade is the Organist/Reverend/Werewolf Whisperer to the wolves. He’ll play you a tune on his pipes, preach you a sermon from his perch and work with you on your issues until you leave him alone. If your new life as a werewolf is too much for you, the Reverend might agree. He can offer you a path toward coping with your curse, if that’s really what you want.

He might send you back to Werewolf Run Square to Fang’s Barber Shop. Many werewolves just don’t like being so unkempt. Get a trim. The Executive Werewolf Contour is a terrific cut and makes many beasts feel better about who they are. Your hair won’t grow back out for at least another hour or two.

And don’t forget, your barber is also your counselor. At Fang’s, all hairdressers are schooled in the ways and art of being better predators (dip your victims like you’re offering a kiss, don’t just shred the jugular), better howlers (take a breath in and exhale, but don’t drop your chest) and better at facing your dread.

Your barber might encourage you to be more like those miserable werewolves you see in the movies as a means to cope with your problems. In no time, you’ll be on the run from town to town, looking for the lycanthrope that bit you and turned your world upside down, with hopes that killing him/her will get your old life back. If that doesn’t work, there’s always a row full of mad scientists on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District who you can look up to do some kind of experiment to change you back.

Until then, enjoy long, long, LONG nights in Werewolftown. There’s still plenty to see, eat and experience, like the Lycanthrope Hotel (they offer the hairiest in werewolf entertainment), like the wonderful dishes at the Livestock Café (they serve so much meat) and like the river-rafting excursions down the Lych River (keep your fangs and teeth away from the canvas -- you don’t want to pop the boat).

One thing is for sure, when it finally comes time for you to leave Werewolftown, you’ll leave as a different, werewolfier monster. To you I say, OWWEWWWWW!

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Werewolftown ‘Hidden Harms’ -- more than meats to your eye

By The Lyle Canthrope

Staff Werewolf Writer

When in Werewolftown, do as the werewolves do.

To the average monster, running through werewolf country may not seem so exciting, but once you have the curse, you’ll begin to see (and taste) all kinds of hidden beauty.

The Lamb Fields in the Moors are stocked fresh nightly. Your nose will take you to the best cuisine that’s there. Test it out. Bat it around. Have at it. It’s fun. In no time, you’ll be on the move again. Because that’s what werewolves do.

At the back end of the Moors you may notice that the modern world is nowhere to be found. That’s because Gypsy Village, which you’ve entered, stopped evolving in the early to mid 1900s.

The gypsies there still drive horse-drawn carriages. They live in tents and circus carts. They run a traveling carnival that makes stops at Gore Gardens in Shadow City several times during the year and, in October, all over the human world for the Halloween festivities. August and September are the best times to visit Gypsy Village because the gypsies are getting all set for October.

It’s especially important that you check out Lampini’s Chamber of Horrors wagon. Some say he has the skeleton of one of Dracula’s long-lost descendants that he puts out on display during midnight showings of horror exhibits during the traveling carnival.

However, you might be too busy sniffing out meat to scope out the skeleton. Gypsies carry all kinds of meat on the bone. They order out for it like its pizza from some chainsaw man in Texas (in the human world). Let nature take its course.

Because the gypsies in these parts are all werewolves, they like to stay on the move. Run with them. Where they go, lots of living things go, hence dinnertime. Let’s face it, who doesn’t want to see a show, have their fortunes told or see creepy people that are in town for a limited time only? Once you arrive, they arrive. They practically ring the supper bell for you.

You’ll find it’s great having these new powers added to your resume. As a werewolf, nothing can stop you. You can chase anything down, your teeth can get through the toughest layers of skin, and nothing can kill you except for silver bullets. Yes, those pesky things will do you in. But have no fear, there’s not much silver in these parts.

Despite being able to run around and eat whatever or whoever you want, eventually, it’s sad to say, you may grow tired of the same old thing. Yeah, you’ve made some great discoveries under that big blue Werewolftown moon, but maybe you’d like to settle down and relax for a second, and not constantly run around like a dang lunatic.

Check back here tomorrow for ways to take it easier in Werewolftown.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Werewolftown ‘Rot Spots’ -- see the best moonrises in the world

By Lyle Canthrope
Staff Werewolf Writer

You can be pure at heart and say your prayers by night, but if a werewolf bites you, that’s that. You're locked into the lifestyle, plain and simple. And there’s no better place to be than Werewolftown. The moonrises there are especially haunting.

When you cross over the border, Werewolftown looks and feels like your everyday high school football community. Stop by the Silver Bullet Pub and Beastro in Werewolf Run Square, and you’ll see how the locals are proud of their Blue Moon High School Wolves, with pennants, trophies and pictures of past teams covering the walls.

If you arrive on a full moon night (and it's recommended that you visit on a full moon night), you can enjoy happy hour at the pub. Listen to the largest collection of Howlin’ Wolf blues records, throw darts and savor the biggest, juiciest triple-patty burgers with over 50 ounces of beef done up “werewolf style.” Don’t worry, at the Silver Bullet, they don’t believe in cooking your burgers until they’re rare and ultimately ruined. They think it’s a sin to burn the meat. They serve ‘em up fresh.

Then, once that full moon begins its ascent into the sky, step out into Werewolf Run Square and participate in the world-famous running of the werewolves, where lycanthropes are lead through the streets and into the Moors. Most folks don’t last five minutes of the run before something bites them. Even if you don’t participate in the running of the werewolves, there’s a 95-percent chance a werewolf will chomp on you before you can spend even 30 minutes in town.

The bad news is a werewolf bite doesn’t necessarily mean you’re infected with the werewolf’s curse of the pentagram. If something bites you, take the opportunity to check yourself out at the Werewolftown Moonmorial Hospital. There they’ll patronize you about your bite, saying there are “no animals that could do that in these parts.” Go along with the gag. It’s routine. Then do what they say so they can test your blood and your brain.

The good news is that when you wake up from the tests, you’ll have the curse in your blood, guaranteed. As stated previously, not all werewolf bites infect you. Sometimes the bite isn’t deep enough. Sometimes the werewolf’s saliva doesn’t get into your blood stream. Sometimes a werewolf’s teeth are so caked with dirt or other victims’ flesh that it has no chance of getting into your body. So the wonderful doctors at Moonmorial will inject it into you while you’re out for their pretty ridiculous tests.

Once you’re cursed, be prepared to run, but not for the reasons you might expect. There’s a common misconception that werewolves are on the run because they’re in search of a mad doctor to cure them. Some think werewolves are hunting down the werewolf that cursed them in hopes that if they kill that lycanthrope, their curse will be lifted. That kind of thing only happens in the movies for dramatic reasons. It’s pure poetic license.

In real life, werewolves just like to run. Think of your everyday household wolf or even a puppy dog. They don’t know where they’re going. They’re just following their nose to the next snack. That’s all werewolves do. The sniff, they taste, they eat and they destroy. It’s fun. And if that’s your goal, Werewolftown has the meats.

That’s right, once you’ve got that werewolf nose, you’ll find you can snoop out some of the best quality meat the world has to offer right here in Werewolftown. In the Lamb Fields deep in the Moors, your journey begins.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.