Werewolftown ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- you’ll howl while on the prowl

By The Lyle Canthrope

Staff Werewolf Writer

No, the moon isn’t always full in Werewolftown. But werewolves are always on the run in this part of Transyl-vein-ia. That’s because werewolves don’t need the full moon. The full moon only makes it easier for you to see where the heck you’re running all night.

It’s true, according to some experts, the full moon can bring out a wilder beast in you, but a werewolf is a werewolf and transforms back into a human only during the day. He/she is back on his/her paws every night. This is Werewolftown, home of the original strain of werewolves. This isn’t the human world of watered-down lycanthropes. So while you might be anticipating a moon that’s no longer big and bright in hopes you won’t have to keep running around so much on the hunt for anything and everything to satisfy your never-ending meat craving, think again. 

There are places in Werewolftown, however, where you can be more at peace with your lycanthropy. Out past Gypsy Village lies Werewolf Woods. You’ll still be on the prowl (those instincts don’t go away), but there’s a calm and quietness in those woods that’ll help the animal in you chill a bit, if only just for a bit. And the thick fog can be quite soothing as you breathe it in while you roam.

Out there you can howl and the sound reverberates off the pines. It’s so harmonious, but only to a werewolf’s ears. Everything else wants you to shut your face.

In the woods, you may come across Reverend Slade in his pipe organ wagon. Slade is the Organist/Reverend/Werewolf Whisperer to the wolves. He’ll play you a tune on his pipes, preach you a sermon from his perch and work with you on your issues until you leave him alone. If your new life as a werewolf is too much for you, the Reverend might agree. He can offer you a path toward coping with your curse, if that’s really what you want.

He might send you back to Werewolf Run Square to Fang’s Barber Shop. Many werewolves just don’t like being so unkempt. Get a trim. The Executive Werewolf Contour is a terrific cut and makes many beasts feel better about who they are. Your hair won’t grow back out for at least another hour or two.

And don’t forget, your barber is also your counselor. At Fang’s, all hairdressers are schooled in the ways and art of being better predators (dip your victims like you’re offering a kiss, don’t just shred the jugular), better howlers (take a breath in and exhale, but don’t drop your chest) and better at facing your dread.

Your barber might encourage you to be more like those miserable werewolves you see in the movies as a means to cope with your problems. In no time, you’ll be on the run from town to town, looking for the lycanthrope that bit you and turned your world upside down, with hopes that killing him/her will get your old life back. If that doesn’t work, there’s always a row full of mad scientists on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District who you can look up to do some kind of experiment to change you back.

Until then, enjoy long, long, LONG nights in Werewolftown. There’s still plenty to see, eat and experience, like the Lycanthrope Hotel (they offer the hairiest in werewolf entertainment), like the wonderful dishes at the Livestock Café (they serve so much meat) and like the river-rafting excursions down the Lych River (keep your fangs and teeth away from the canvas -- you don’t want to pop the boat).

One thing is for sure, when it finally comes time for you to leave Werewolftown, you’ll leave as a different, werewolfier monster. To you I say, OWWEWWWWW!

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.