Easter Beast makes egg hunts easy

Kids all over the world found Easter eggs quite easily this morning. The colorful hard-shelled objects were discovered in the middle of lawns and in other open areas for pretty much any egg hunter to collect.

Experts suggest the Easter Bunny is going soft.

“It’s not so much that the kids are incapable of finding eggs in tougher hiding places,” said egg expert Egsov Ereazy, “rather the Easter Bunny doesn’t have to be so sneaky these days because the Easter Beast has gotten lazy.”

According to Ereazy, the Easter Beast has given up on his game. He wasn't out early like he used to be on Easter, trying to snatch up eggs before the little kiddies could get them, so the Easter Bunny took it easy this year.

“These so-called ‘experts’ are right, I suppose,” said the Easter Beast’s nephew, the Easter Beagle. “My Uncle Beast doesn’t really have a problem getting eggs these days. He just goes online and orders them.”

To avoid your own Easter egg hunts, go to NoMoreBeast.mon.

The Beast was, however, out later in the day to terrorize and pick off Easter egg hunters who were in the wide-open areas. Evidently, you can't find those little guys online yet.

Leprechaun traps everywhere today, leprechauns ready

By Chaka LepreKhan

Staff Little Green People Writer

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and leprechaun traps have been popping up all over the globe.

Despite the phenomenon, leprechauns, as many know, cannot be trapped.

“People are always after trying to trap us,” said Lucky the Leprechaun. “They seem to understand that we can disappear, yet each year they build these ridiculous traps made out of shoe boxes and string with gold as bait and try to catch us so we can grant them three wishes. We get the gold every time. They get nothing. Makes no sense. Really doesn’t.”

And while all leprechauns know they can’t be caught, one individual is saying it’s the leprechaun community that’s acting naïve.

“Last night,” said Leprechaun Joe, a member of the Leprechaun Brothers Singing Trio and creator of the ice lolly, “I watched my good laddie, Johnny Leprechaun, knowingly enter a trap -- one that a little kid and his father had built -- and just sit there in an awful way. Johnny pocketed the gold, but failed to disappear when the kid snatched him up to bring him into his suburban baile.”

Upon hearing the news this morning, leprechauns everywhere were gobsmacked.

“He’s gone in the head,” said a young leprechaun who’s currently enrolled in leprechaun school at the Institute of Leprechauns. “Was he too knackered? Why wouldn’t a fella just up an' disappear? It’s so easy. I’m only a wee freshman an' I already know how to vanish, no problem.”

Others fear the power to fade away might, one day, fade away.

“This is something we’re looking into,” said Professor Leprechaun, who teaches at the Institute. “It’s very possible to lose the gift to vanish. It could be that greenhouse gases are affecting our abilities to disappear, despite being green. This poor Johnny Leprechaun fellow may’ve been exposed to too many UV rays. We hope to learn more very soon with more funding. Go to ProtectTheLep.com to donate.”

According to Leprechaun Joe, who called the leprechaun community naïve, Johnny Leprechaun is alive and well and the “smartest of the lot of us.”

“It’s true,” he said, “Johnny Leprechaun was caught yesterday evening. When his joyous captors took him out of the trap to obtain his magic, Johnny just sat there dodderin' on and a smiling, he did. And then he ate the family whole.”

Yum.

Calling all leprechauns! Calling all leprechauns! May your troubles be less and your blessin's be more. Let’s get trapped!