Wednesday, September 19, 2018

'Transylveinya Traveler' book ties up JLP reporters

You might've noticed a lack of content here at lately. That's because our reporters are busy with  the upcoming travel guide to Transylveinya, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide For Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons and Mad Scientists, Too." In other works, the book has its claws all over our staff members, and they haven't been able to do much more than scream. More to come...

Monday, September 17, 2018

Thing booed off stage during impersonations act

SHADOW CITY -- A shape-shifting alien doing impersonations last night at the Thing-A-Ding-Ding Piano Bar was booed off the stage during an act where it did impressions of a sled dog and a group of American researchers. According to the crowd, The Thing was a sell-out, doing most of his work in CG. “No one does these routines with practical effects anymore,” said a stop-motion skeleton who walked out of the show after The Thing’s first imitation. “It was just way too sleek and just not there. It was like a cartoon. There’s just something more tactile when it’s actually there on the stage performing before an audience, even if it is a little jittery like me. I got my money back.” Once The Thing appeared to have left the room through a hole in the floor that was clearly not there, The Invisible Man was on next to perform his famous disappearing act.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Rays fired during flying saucer pursuit, alien arrested

UFO SPRINGS -- An alien is facing charges after a UFO chase with deputies through Podtown last night. At around 11 p.m., UFO Springs authorities got word of a 2017 XMYT-UR flying saucer spinning crop circles on Old McDonald’s Farm. Officer mutants caught up to the spacecraft shortly after the call and pursued it through the night, exchanging ray gun blasts intermittently. While crossing through Podtown at unheard of speeds (the speed of sound), the saucer lit up several human pods that were just about ready to hatch. “The pods came from a fresh batch of bodies we’d just snatched earlier in the evening,” said a Podtown official who wishes to have no name. “Yeah, we’re pressing charges.” The alien flying the saucer said he felt he was being profiled by authorities and demanded that someone step forward to give him legal assistance.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Witch tries to return Swiffer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A wicked witch created a scene this evening at her local big box store when she demanded a refund for the Swiffer Sweeper she bought over a year ago. According to the demon at the returns desk, the witch had claimed that the sweeping and mopping tool with its one-two cleaning punch didn’t do what she wanted it to do. “That guy at the counter told me all magical products had to be returned within 90 days of purchase,” the witch said. “Sure, it came with three wet mopping cloths and conformed to the surfaces of my floors, which is pretty magical, I have to admit, but there was no real magic in it. I tried flying it up, up and away at Take-Off Point and fell right off the edge of the cliff. In my mind, this thing is no magical product, and I deserve a refund, even if I bought it a year ago.” The demon still refused to refund the witch. After speaking with the store manager, the ol’ hag got more upset and asked what happened to the “customer is always right, even when they’re wrong” policy. Suffice to say, toads now run the store. In other words: The place is closed until further notice.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Zombie bite goes viral

SHADOW CITY -- A zombie infected someone with the zombie virus earlier this evening in the 600 block of Boogie Man’s Bend. Then the infected one infected another, the three of them infected more, the bites multiplied and multiplied. By press time, it had gone viral.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Mummy seen picking up box of Band-Aids

VALLEY OF DOOM -- An unidentified mummy was seen picking up a box of Band-Aids this evening in a drug store down on the lower east side of Tombtown. Several eyewitnesses made the same report. “I saw him go into the store, stand in line at the ice cream counter like he was gonna get a cone, then he turned, doubled his pace to the first-aid aisle and picked up a box of those Hydro Seals all nonchalant-like,” said a chupacabra who was at the store looking for a bottle of Tapatio hot sauce. “He seemed to be transfixed with the text on the box that said something about the bandages containing some new technology that performs like no other so you can perform like no other. It’s true -- they’re pretty good Band-Aids. I’ve used ‘em before.” According to the clerk at the store, the mummy dropped a 20-dollar bill on the counter and didn’t even wait for his change. He cut out of the store with the box of Hydro Seals, hopped into his red 1987 IROC-Z, and tore up the sand on the way back to his tomb. Those who witnessed the incident said they’d never forget it.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Legendary zombie dies

SHADOW CITY -- World-famous zombie, Ivan Braynes, 122, has died . . . again. According to his publicist, the zombie that infected more individuals with the zombie plague than any other walker suffered a head shot last night while attacking a small group of victims holed up in a farmhouse off Hell’s Highway just outside city limits. Services for Braynes were held early this morning. His body was buried. Braynes will always be remembered for his rotting flesh and winning smile. He’ll return from the dead again this evening.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Gorgon pushed into Ghost Pond

BLACK LAGOON -- This evening, someone pushed a gorgon into the Ghost Pond, where living things go if they want to become spirits. Folks have been lining up for weeks at the edge of the towering cliff above, and diving into the pond below, whereupon impact, they instantly transform into apparitions. “I was happy as a terrifying woman with snakes in my hair and the curse to turn beings into stone,” said the gorgon. “I didn’t want to become a ghost. I just wanted to see what everyone was doing up there above that pond. It's a shame, because now no one will ever see me again.” Eyewitnesses said a skeleton pushed the gorgon off the cliff for laughs. The snake woman screamed in agony all the way down, unlike most others who hoot and howl for joy or go in with a triple somersault as one last hurrah before turning in their heartbeats for ghost sheets. A proud werewolf monitoring the lines on the cliff saw the scuffle and dove in after the gorgon to save her life. He realized his mistake just before hitting the mystical waters.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Brains reported missing

MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- Over 100 brains from the Brain Barn on Brain Street were reported missing this evening. Sources said zombies broke in and stole them. “I know they didn’t even use them to create life or to try to take over the world,” said mad scientist Bill T. Toolast. “Those selfish dumb-dumbs no doubt ate them for their own good. Minds are terrible things to waste.”

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Moat monster seriously affected by drought

WITCHES MEADOW -- A moat monster living in the moat of a Dark Woods castle is finally beginning to worry that his water source is drying up after seeing moat levels trending toward the unhealthier side of the spectrum. Other monsters don't believe in the drought the area is allegedly experiencing. The moat monster in the moat of the Dark Woods castle said he didn't either. Now half of him isn't even wet.