Happy Halloween 2021!

It’s almost time! 

To prepare for a big night of ghoulish festivities, join the guys from the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast and the Nightmare365 Podcast for their Halloween Radio Special.

As you carve pumpkins, dress up, and prepare for a big night of candy collecting, listen to Mike, Tom, Matt and Greg as they share Halloween memories, tell scary stories, and play their favorite Halloween tunes of the season.

 

Click HERE to listen the show. 

And HAPPY HALLOWEEN! It’s almost time!

'Haunted Horror' recording still Halloween's scream of the shock

By Jack O. Lantern

'Head' Writer/Editor

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Musical genius Phantom of the Opera gets up in the evening like everyone else, he eats worms and dead things like everyone else, and he captures victims and tortures them like everyone else. But then he goes out into the monster world and makes masterpieces.

What began in 1980 as a search for some spooky background sound effects to use in a new album of pipe organ music turned out to become one of the greatest soundtracks for Halloween night of all time. JLP recently sat down with Phantom in his chilly office at the Loudmouth Opera House on Phantom Boulevard and talked to him about it.

“Really, anyone could’ve recorded this stuff,” Phantom said. “I just so happened to turn it into a multi-million-dollar success that monsters and people to this night still use to set the absolute perfect mood for Halloween.”

The Phantom’s 1980 classic, “Haunted Horror: Terror on Tape,” is 60 minutes of spine-tingling, bone-chilling, blood-curdling audio madness, one of the wildest nights in and around a haunted house ever captured on cassette tape. On Fri., Oct. 31 in 1980, Phantom picked up a nagra tape recorder and omnidirectional mic, hailed a horse-and-carriage ride to the Black Lagoon’s Haunted Mansion Row, located a house that was buzzing with monster commotion, and began recording. He said it was a real Halloween rager.

“There were witches opening portals from other worlds, pulling through spirits and creatures of all kinds,” Phantom said. “Worst of all, they brought over humans. We all had a blast chasing them around the property, torturing them, you know.”

Phantom added that the night sky was filled with vampire bats and monstrous birds for hours. Wicked cats added luck -- bad luck -- to the party, wild dogs ran off with skeleton bones, ghoulies and creepies dug up the graveyard so the sorcerers there could bring the dead to life. Wizards spent the evening toiling with the weather. It was a night of all tricks, no treats, and it was all caught on tape.

“The windows of the haunted house had been broken,” said Phantom’s sound editor Jack the Clipper. “So Phantom could just walk the wraparound porch, and with his omnidirectional mic, capture the sounds from not only the graveyard and front yard, but also all the wonderful chaos going on inside.”

For those who don’t know -- what is an omnidirectional mic?

“It’s technical,” Phantom said.

Jack the Clipper said, “It’s really just a microphone that picks up sound from all directions equally.”

“Well,” Phantom said, “yeah, that’s the non-technical way of putting it.”

Once Phantom ran out of tape that Halloween night, he knew he had something special. The sun eventually showed its ugly brightness on the horizon to usher in Nov. 1, and all the wicked that had come, just up and left. Except for the humans.

“I’m sure they were just reported missing in the human world,” Phantom said, “blamed on alien abductions, Bigfoot, or worse, domestic violence -- and listen, folks, there’s no excuse for domestic violence. But these are the stories you read about in the news or hear about on the Nightmare365 Podcast, people going into dark forests and never coming out. And that’s true -- they probably went into a dark forest on Halloween night for a fright, or maybe ventured into some unfamiliar neighborhood for some tricks and treats -- I’m talking to you, all you kiddies out there -- and they got pulled into those witches’ portals and transported to our house. For all we know, those people might still be alive and not well in the dungeons of the place. I really don’t know. I haven’t been back since.”

Monsters, ghouls and goblins who were there that night said they hadn’t been back either. But so many have visited the place through Phantom’s classic recording, and they relive the magic that hasn’t been duplicated since.

“I’m humbled when others talk so highly of this work I did,” Phantom said, sipping a glass of iced tanna leaf tea. “I merely just picked the right Halloween night, the right haunted house, the right recording equipment, and I recorded. Granted, my high-profile magnetism probably attracted more monsters and spirits to show up and perform than if some random kook had been making the recording, but I really can’t take all the credit. Well, maybe I can. Because I really do make masterpieces. You're welcome.”

Click HERE to hear “Haunted Horror: Terror on Tape.” CAUTION: Do not listen alone. Or do so and enjoy!

Book Excerpt: Want Ads

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with — Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras around and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon. 

For Sale — Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Contact: RealNightmares.mon.

Got Web? — Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning webs in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Project X House Needed — Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, sort of a poster house for paper Halloween decorations. Preferably a house on hilltop against dependable full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must (for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in). Trees out front are required for ghosts to swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls, menacing crows and portentous ravens to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! from. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for this party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.mon.

Werewolf Walker for Hire — Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Missing — Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info. (Bill’s rented a booth in Conference Room C for the last five years, and he never stops asking guests if they’ve seen Fluffy, offering them over 300 pictures to show monsters what Fluffy looks [or looked] like.)

Book Excerpt: Hills Highlights

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

What’s in Transylveinya Hills, a monster’s suburban paradise? Plenty. Here are some highlights:

Pink Flamingo Garden Shop on Gnome Name Street — This is a great place to go to stalk up on the things you’ll need to build your own pieceful backyard paradise, with killer gnomes, killer flamingos and other lawn terrors that’ll tear you to pieces.

The Library of the Dead — The characters in these books jump off the page — literally in all of the literature here.

Transylveinya Hills Skulling Alley — Take a break. Roll some strikes and crack some heads where the lanes are long and the skulls are fresh.

The Firehouse — This is probably the best destination for recreation and relaxation. Take an elevator plunge down to the lava-flowing, flame-throwing caverns of the Fire Caves to spend some quality time with the Red Devil, and burn off some serious calories.

The Local Trash Services — Collect as much trash as you want to keep. But don’t be too greedy. Garbage is a terrible thing to waste.

Goblin Street bed-and-breakfasts — It’s a goblin’s job to wait on you here. He’ll wait on you to go to bed, and then he’ll call on you from his oak to come out and play.

Tree People Place — Unlike the goblins of Goblin Street, tree people won’t taunt you. They’ll just go into your room and take you. Their idea of playing is prickly, especially as they drag you up the trunks of their trees and through the branches.

Transylveinya Hills Drive-In — If you’re open to demonic domination, a night at the movies is always a top recreational activity. The demons up on that big screen are more than happy to come down and enter your vehicle … and your soul.

A haunted house in Bat Court — The bats are always swarming. Lightning never stops striking. Thunder keeps clapping. Rain pours forever. Skeletons greet you and take you into their dwelling so you can experience true haunted house living. And if you haven’t experienced haunted house living, take my word: it’s among the last things you’ll ever get locked into doing.

The Wreck Center on Wreck Center Circle — This is a great way to release stress. Bust down walls, crash through windows and smash up furniture. Using your own hands to break something down to the ground is a guaranteed way to make you feel productive.

Book Excerpt: Hunting Bigfoot

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

When in Bigfoot National Park, do as the Footers do: Get a picture of Bigfoot. Here’s what you’ll typically need before you go search for the ol’ boy:

Bigfoot Survival Guide: This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.

Camouflaged/dark clothing: It may cost more to get Dairy Queen camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘Foot loves Blizzards.

War paint: This doesn’t work so well on you werewolves, fiery demons and blobs. Doesn’t stick.

Sleeping bags for your party: The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.

GPS: Make sure you get a GPS unit — you don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot country. No one will be able to find you. That’s because GPS units don’t work out here.

Deer urine: This attracts Bigfoot. ‘Foot loves deer urine. Beef jerky will also do the trick and it doesn’t smell nearly as bad.

Rope: This is imperative. You just can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.

Bear mace: This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park and you may come across one, or several. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of smelly spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.

Video recording device: You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘Foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘Foot can’t survive on DQ Blizzards and beef jerky alone.

Flare gun: Shoots fiery flares into the sky to signal distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same small portals Bigfoot uses between the monster and the human worlds. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll tear your face off. Cancel the flare gun.

Cell phone: If there’s danger approaching, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park, but you can still play video games on the phone as a distraction while the threat closes in on you.

Lighter: Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare guns, in regard to fires in the park.

Flashlight: It gets dark in the park. You can make really very cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright, expensive LED flashlight.

Tent: This is the last thing to pack, because you may not survive long enough to need it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent behind at the Lodge. It’ll be safer there, anyway.

You may also want to carry along a net gun and stun gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things will keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body and attracts bears while you navigate the woods.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast: ‘Halloween Traditions’

Listen to this new episode of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast about Halloween traditions. Then listen to it again and again and again … Make a tradition out of it.

To listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

For Spotify users, clock HERE.

The Transylveinya 13: Invs. Man

 The Invisible Man

He’s not in here or over there.

It’s clear he is not anywhere.

But I heard steps and floorboards creak,

I even thought I heard him speak.

What’s that rising in the air?

What’s that sitting on that chair?

What just moved that drinking glass?

I thought I felt a figure pass.

But he’s not here or over there.

It’s clear he is not anywhere.

You know, too, don’t you agree?

He’s with us now, we just can’t see.

Book Excerpt: Grintroduction

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!

GRINTRODUCTION

For those of you creatures out there who are tired of magical sunsets on idyllic tropical beaches, clean, fresh-air hikes through majestic mountains and the vibrant nightlife of cool, cosmopolitan cities, it’s time to explore Transylveinya, a monster’s paradise packed with dark and very alive graveyards, endless life-threatening jungles and seedy metropolises with horrors around every corner.

There’s another monster revolution upon us. Transylveinya travelers are popping up everywhere, coming through various gateways (portals) from the human world, anxious to see the homes of their great and not-so-great monster ancestors, eager to link up with long-lost family members, rejoin the monster community, scare and be scared. Even humans are finding their monster within and are using portals to try their luck in this danger zone, seeking that sense of belonging. Even monsters living here are doing more exploring of their own world.

From the pages of Jack-o’-Lantern Press, your portal to the monster community, this is your ultimate guide to Transylveinya. The top travel journalists of the publication will take you on a tour of all 13 districts of our great land, and they’ll help you to not only just survive to explore each district, but to experience the ultimate finale in Jack-o’-Lantern Park.

They’ll first introduce you to the leaders of each land (creatures and characters known as The Transylveinya 13), so that you’ll know, based on who’s running things and where, what to expect from the unexpected. You’ll find out what’s hot and what’s rot in each district in the Rot Spots stories. Then you’ll learn about the more charming places to visit and things to do in the Hidden Harms essays. To cap off each adventure, you’ll discover the more serene locales in our Deceaseful Settings stories. Throughout all these pages, Jack-o’-Lantern Press travel experts will offer up tips on what to pack and how to dress, a list of must-have souvenirs to pick up, things to do before passing on, informational tales about celebrated landmarks and places for perfect photo ops, hometown recipes and historical highlights to help you get unreasonably familiar with each area.

In the end, you won’t be any more able to take on the horrors of Transylveinya, but by (not really) knowing what to expect, you will be more terrified. And that makes all the difference.

Transylveinya was discovered many centuries ago by The Founder. The Founder, who may or may not still be around, is/was part vampire, part werewolf, created in what we would today call a lab. He was hunted by angry villagers, caught, mummified and entombed alive. Over 100 years later, tomb raiders unintentionally freed him. And he was still not dead. So he destroyed them and then sought revenge on anyone who had anything to do with his torture. Having accomplished that, he found himself very alone.

In his search for a place to spend his endless days and acquire an never-ending supply of blood for sustenance, The Founder came upon a land in the middle of what was once known as The Unknown. There he found a river of blood, what we know now to be the Mighty Vein River (which at present stains all 13 districts of Transylveinya before flowing out to the Blood Sea), and in the river he found enough blood for three or maybe more abnormal lifetimes.

Due to this artery of red liquid coursing right through the land, The Founder named the whole place Transylveinya. Note the syllable “vein” in the name. We’re told The Founder is/was a punster. He built his home — a large, crumbling, dusty, web-infested castle (even when it was brand new) — high on a hilltop. The palace can still be viewed in the far corner of the Transylveinya Pines gated community.

Over the years, The Founder traveled the world, discovering other dimensions through the portals we still use today, democratically terrorizing all forms of life, sucking up more blood, and attracting other like-minded creatures on his way back home.

The monsters, ghouls, goblins and witches who followed him back would stake out their own corners of Transylveinya, gradually forming the 13 Districts of Transylveinya:

1) Witches Meadow

2) Downtown Transylveinya

3) The Mad Science District

4) Transylveinya Hills

5) Werewolftown

6) Bigfoot National Park

7) The Carpathian Mountains

8) Shadow City

9) The Monster Islands (in the Blood Sea)

10) The Black Lagoon

11) Valley of Doom

12) UFO Springs

13) Jack-o’-Lantern Park

This book should shed a little darkness on each of those gloomy districts. We won’t cover all the things to do — the rare and unusual shopping, the places not to eat or the pitiful lodging — but we’ll highlight what we think is worth checking out on your own way to checking out. (All other information, when in the monster universe only, can be found on the Monster World Wide Web, mwww.InsertNameHere.mon. That’s “mon” for “monster,” silly.)

Upon your transition from one district to the next, you’ll receive a District Coin. Each coin is unique to the district you just barely survived (if you survive), imprinted with the bust of the leader of that district. Save those woody wafer-like coins. You’ll need them for the aforementioned grand finale of your journey in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, where, with those coins, you’ll be allowed to climb up Jack-o’-Lantern Tree Hill and see the great Jack-o’-Lantern Tree, the hill’s namesake and the source of all authentic Halloween magic. You’ll not only view an amazing landmark there, but you might also be able (mad scientists and evil villains pay close attention here) to harness the fickle magic of the tree and take over the entire world.

Transylveinya is a great big monstrously terrible land. But we still look forward to you visiting. And to those of you who already reside in these parts, we look forward to you getting to know where you “live” a little better.

It’s time to get ready for your trip to the monster homeland. It’s time to monster up!

The Transylveinya 13: The Mummy

The Mummy

The Mummy was buried alive,

and now he’s king of the dead.

He stirs up the bees in a hive,

the bugs and the snakes that you dread.

He’ll doom you for freeing his curse,

then take from you all of your power.

He’s already begun to traverse,

at one or two steps in an hour.

Witch tries to return Swiffer

WITCHES MEADOW -- A wicked witch created a scene this evening at her local big box store when she demanded a refund for the Swiffer Sweeper she bought over a year ago. According to the demon at the returns desk, the witch had claimed that the sweeping and mopping tool with its one-two cleaning punch didn’t do what she wanted it to do. “That guy at the counter told me all magical products had to be returned within 90 days of purchase,” the witch said. “Sure, it came with three wet mopping cloths and conformed to the surfaces of my floors, which is pretty magical, I have to admit, but there was no real magic in it. I tried flying it up, up and away at Take-Off Point and fell right off the edge of the cliff. In my mind, this thing is no magical product, and I deserve a refund, even if I bought it a year ago.” The demon still refused to refund the witch. After speaking with the store manager, the ol’ hag got more upset and asked what happened to the “customer is always right, even when they’re wrong” policy. Suffice to say, toads now run the store. In other words: The place is closed until further notice.

King Kong trolls Godzilla on social media, Twitter war erupts

MONSTER ISLANDS -- While Transylveinya officials understand that the use of social media by monster titans, including during epic battles, is an important part of the monster universe, the inappropriate use of social media can damage the reputation of Transylveinya as a whole. Those were the sentiments of President Count Dracula in a strongly worded memo to the monster world, which he issued tonight following recent tweets between King Kong and Godzilla. It began with Kong going to social media with his thoughts on the Geico gecko facing off in battles against other leaf-sized reptiles. The giant gorilla’s tweets were clear attacks on Godzilla, in reference to his upcoming movie, “Godzilla: King of the Monsters.” Godzilla responded with a nasty tweet, issuing threats to one “chimpanzee” using numerous expletives, causing some monsters to feel a line had been crossed between cool and not cool. Drac said he feels these “Twitter wars” between monsters can cause reputational damage, and he’s considering disciplinary actions if it keeps up.

Keep your big bug eyes open for The Junkyard

By Laye D. Bug

Staff Swarm Writer

TRANSYLVEINYA HILLS -- For those of you giant killer insects out there looking for a big bite to eat, buzz on over to an eatery on Insect Centre Drive called The Junkyard, which offers up everything from tasty motorcycles and vans that have barely been stripped of their parts to mouthwatering sedans and trucks that are only recently no longer in operation.

The place is still somewhat new, but it’s already gaining a reputation as the best bite in town for ginormous bugs looking for a hearty breakfast, lunch or dinner.

“I have a huge appetite for Volkswagen Beetles,” said an enormous beetle who lives in town. “My wife never serves the stuff. She thinks it’s cannibalistic since we share the same name, but, you know, it’s totally different. That’s fine, though, because The Junkyard has the best Beetles I’ve ever tasted, most of them with less than 100,000 miles on them, so I’ll just keep going there when my appetite’s on the loose.”

The Junkyard also delivers its wrecks. They have a fleet of car carriers that can transport up to 10 vehicles at a time to your hive or nest, perfect for those of you lazy bugs with even the largest of appetites.

Here are a few regular items on the menu:

Breakfast

Crashed-Up Hondas with Pasta

Freshly Beat Toyotas

Smoked Volvos

Lunch

Engine-Fried Fords

Chevy Slammedwiches

Boneyardless Infinitys

Dinner

Braised BMWs

Mashed-Up Merecedes

Maseratis al Dented

Dessert

Mazda Cremed Pie

Mini Coopers á la mode

To see The Junkyard’s fresh catches from Hell’s Highway every day, check the Travel Tragedies section of the newspaper for newly crashed vehicles to come.

LETTERS FROM THE LAB: All parents want their children to do well in school

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

My son just started kindergarten today.

As a parent, I’m always worried about how my kid will do. Will he struggle to learn? Will he get along with others? Will he have discipline issues?

By lunchtime, I’d already received a call from the principal. She said my little mad man wasn’t listening, he wasn’t participating in class, and during recess, he’d already manipulated a group of about 20 students into joining in his evil 10-point plot to take over the entire school.

“He and this group of children had the whole campus on lockdown,” the principal told me over the phone.

I raced down to the school to meet with several staff members, including my boy’s teacher and the principal. They, too, were equally thrilled with the boy’s performance.

In other words, I worried about my kid for nothing.

So if you have a little bugger at home and you’re worried he or she is showing no signs of interest in taking over the world, give it some time. They’ll always shock you.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil always on his mind and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transylveinya.

New production of ‘A Halloween Hymn’ coming to Young Fronkenshteen Theatre

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- The Young Fronkenshteen Theatre just announced its next play, a new production of “A Halloween Hymn” by Scarles Nickens (a real cut-up). The classic hymn in prose is a ghost story of Halloween, following the smiling, hugging, loving, caring, charitable old saint, Ebenezer Stooge, who, unlike the rest of the town awaiting Halloween, is more interested in the joyful arrival of Christmas, which, to him, is all a humdinger. “Humdinger!” he exclaims, until he encounters the ghost of his late business partner, who warns that three ghouls will visit him on the night before Halloween. The spirits take Stooge on a journey of All Hallow’s Eve past, present and future in the hope of transforming his joyfulness into good Halloween evil. “The scares will be there,” said the Ghost of Orson Welles, who directed the play. “But we had fun exploring the light side of monsterity. The Ghost of Lionel Barrymore plays Stooge, and he had a blast portraying good, noble and downright frolicsome and fun lovin’. We just hope nobody gets offended.” Hark how the bells, Sweet funeral bells, All seem to say, Give scares away...Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween! “A Halloween Hymn” opens Sept. 1.