Book Excerpt: Want Ads

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with — Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras around and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon. 

For Sale — Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Contact: RealNightmares.mon.

Got Web? — Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning webs in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Project X House Needed — Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, sort of a poster house for paper Halloween decorations. Preferably a house on hilltop against dependable full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must (for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in). Trees out front are required for ghosts to swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls, menacing crows and portentous ravens to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! from. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for this party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.mon.

Werewolf Walker for Hire — Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Missing — Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info. (Bill’s rented a booth in Conference Room C for the last five years, and he never stops asking guests if they’ve seen Fluffy, offering them over 300 pictures to show monsters what Fluffy looks [or looked] like.)