Book Excerpt: Hunting Bigfoot

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

When in Bigfoot National Park, do as the Footers do: Get a picture of Bigfoot. Here’s what you’ll typically need before you go search for the ol’ boy:

Bigfoot Survival Guide: This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.

Camouflaged/dark clothing: It may cost more to get Dairy Queen camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘Foot loves Blizzards.

War paint: This doesn’t work so well on you werewolves, fiery demons and blobs. Doesn’t stick.

Sleeping bags for your party: The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.

GPS: Make sure you get a GPS unit — you don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot country. No one will be able to find you. That’s because GPS units don’t work out here.

Deer urine: This attracts Bigfoot. ‘Foot loves deer urine. Beef jerky will also do the trick and it doesn’t smell nearly as bad.

Rope: This is imperative. You just can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.

Bear mace: This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park and you may come across one, or several. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of smelly spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.

Video recording device: You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘Foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘Foot can’t survive on DQ Blizzards and beef jerky alone.

Flare gun: Shoots fiery flares into the sky to signal distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same small portals Bigfoot uses between the monster and the human worlds. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll tear your face off. Cancel the flare gun.

Cell phone: If there’s danger approaching, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park, but you can still play video games on the phone as a distraction while the threat closes in on you.

Lighter: Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare guns, in regard to fires in the park.

Flashlight: It gets dark in the park. You can make really very cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright, expensive LED flashlight.

Tent: This is the last thing to pack, because you may not survive long enough to need it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent behind at the Lodge. It’ll be safer there, anyway.

You may also want to carry along a net gun and stun gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things will keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body and attracts bears while you navigate the woods.