Star Sightings: Bigfoot again

STILL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA — Bigfoot, who’s recently been spending time in Big Bear, was spotted today at Disneyland riding the Matterhorn Bobsleds. Several guests claimed he growled at the growling abominable snowman as his train passed the audio animatronic figure. The yeti (the real one, not the animatronic one) also got a little ticked at the end of the ride when his train splashed into the water and he got wet.

Book Excerpt: Hunting Bigfoot

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

When in Bigfoot National Park, do as the Footers do: Get a picture of Bigfoot. Here’s what you’ll typically need before you go search for the ol’ boy:

Bigfoot Survival Guide: This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.

Camouflaged/dark clothing: It may cost more to get Dairy Queen camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘Foot loves Blizzards.

War paint: This doesn’t work so well on you werewolves, fiery demons and blobs. Doesn’t stick.

Sleeping bags for your party: The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.

GPS: Make sure you get a GPS unit — you don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot country. No one will be able to find you. That’s because GPS units don’t work out here.

Deer urine: This attracts Bigfoot. ‘Foot loves deer urine. Beef jerky will also do the trick and it doesn’t smell nearly as bad.

Rope: This is imperative. You just can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.

Bear mace: This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park and you may come across one, or several. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of smelly spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.

Video recording device: You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘Foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘Foot can’t survive on DQ Blizzards and beef jerky alone.

Flare gun: Shoots fiery flares into the sky to signal distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same small portals Bigfoot uses between the monster and the human worlds. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll tear your face off. Cancel the flare gun.

Cell phone: If there’s danger approaching, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park, but you can still play video games on the phone as a distraction while the threat closes in on you.

Lighter: Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare guns, in regard to fires in the park.

Flashlight: It gets dark in the park. You can make really very cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright, expensive LED flashlight.

Tent: This is the last thing to pack, because you may not survive long enough to need it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent behind at the Lodge. It’ll be safer there, anyway.

You may also want to carry along a net gun and stun gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things will keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body and attracts bears while you navigate the woods.

Star Sightings: Bigfoot

CAUGHT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA — Bigfoot was seen in Big Bear early this morning struttin’ his signature “Bigfoot Walk” (proving he’s the real deal), and sippin’ on a boba tea.

Bigfoot National Park bus driver gets lost for hours, passengers thrilled

BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- A red line bus full of tourists in Bigfoot National Park heading for Yeti Springs left Lodgers Square at about 11:30 last night and went missing for several hours.

The driver, a brain-dead zombie, somehow lost his way.

“When the bus failed to show up at my stop,” said red line employee Large Feet, who was at the Yeti Springs depot waiting, “we just wrote it off as the bus falling off the embankment above the Mighty River because that road’s in pretty bad shape. We’ve lost many buses that way.”

But the brain-dead zombie driver didn’t even make it that far, according to park officials. They’re guessing the driver made a series of wrong turns somewhere near the Ghost Glaciers and ended up who knows where.

“We discovered the bus in an undesignated part of the park,” said one of the park rangers. “It might’ve even been in another dimension. When we tried to lead them back to familiar ground, the driver and his passengers decided they preferred being lost. So we left them wherever they were, and somehow found our way back to our rangers post.”

Now the bus is officially gone forever. Park rangers said they wouldn’t even be able to figure out how to get back to where they were even if they wanted to, which they don’t. It was a fluke they got there in the first place.

“Family and loved ones of the souls aboard the lost bus were overjoyed with the outcome,” Feet said. “What monster wouldn’t be pleased with such horrific news?”

Annual passholders can enjoy limited-time Bigfoot National Park rashes, sores, bruises and more

BIGFOOT NATIONAL PARK -- For a limited time, annual Bigfoot National Park passholders can purchase collectible rashes, sores, scrapes and bruises at a discounted rate (while supplies last) throughout the park, and receive unlimited refills of infections for just $1 through Sept. 30.

Different ailments are available in various parts of the park:

-Lodging Town (Bigfoot design, complete with bulging blisters for your toes)

-Poison Ivy Picnic Grounds (poison ivy design, which you can get with extra pus for your entire body)

-Killer Bee Bend (killer bee design, including several throbbing baseball-sized stings and some that cause allergic reactions)

-Camp Slasher Psycho (slasher psycho design, which leaves you covered in slices all over your body and sometimes even loss of your limbs)

-Kimo’s Mai Tai and Fresh Seafood Ranch (bubbling, nauseous stomach design, which leaves you with that full, heavy, weak feeling)

-And more!

Here’s How It Works:

Annual passholders can stop by select danger zones throughout the park and buy one of the conditions mentioned above (or other surprise conditions) for a discounted rate of just $2 (normally $2.50). These folks can then get that cut, bruise or other symptom refilled with an infection anywhere in the park for just $1 (normally $1.50). Those with full, nauseated stomachs can get refills of stomach bile even cheaper at 75 cents (normally 85 cents).

If you’re familiar with the grueling activity you face when hunting Bigfoot, walking the grounds of the park endlessly, then you’ll appreciate cheaper refills. There’s nothing worse than an empty tank, an empty lesion and an empty wallet. Keep all three full with this special deal. That way when you find Bigfoot, he can refill his own collectible condition (large hand syndrome) and his own tank, at the low, low cost of your life. The fuller you are, the better you taste.

NOTE: Bigfoot especially loves the pop of liquid-filled victims and the flowing juices that result as he takes that first bite. Please, the Sasquatch asks, take advantage of this amazing offer.

Letters from the Lab: Cookies with Dr. Binary and a plot to take over world

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

I don’t typically enjoy visiting other mad scientists in their home labs because it’s often a pain in the gluteus maximus to get there (these places are usually out of the way, you have to go up against life-threatening forces, cross over deadly chasms and/or moats, and you’re always tested to use some unique talent or intellect to bypass gates or alarms), but I made an exception recently following one of my latest failures.

Now, I’ve blown up my lab hundreds of times before. But when you destroy your life’s work for the tenth time in a row, you tend to want to confirm that others are bigger failures than you. So I called up an old friend, Dr. Benjamin Binary, and asked what he was up to, and it turns out he’d been working on an experiment way out in Transyl-vein-ia’s Bigfoot National Park for some time and he wanted me to check it out.

“Hello,” said the mechanical voice on the other end of the line when I called. “Thank you for calling Dr. Benjamin Binary’s Lair, how may I assist you?”

After having a warm conversation with the voice (we talked about the weather and how to manipulate it, the latest robot uprising and, of course, the upcoming NBA season), I asked how to get to Binary’s domicile, and the voice told me.

Just as expected, it was going to be one big pain. The voice set up an appointment for me to meet with someone named Lorenzo at Footers Lodge at the foot of Bigfoot National Park.

I packed up my books and was on my way. Upon my arrival, some lady at the front desk tried convincing me to turn around and go home.

“You’ll never survive the journey,” she told me.

“Sounds like fun,” I said. “When do we start?”

She set me up with Lorenzo and he put me through a boot camp that would help me get through the park to Binary’s Lair. My trainers taught me how to survive on the land, start campfires without using computers or lasers . . . In fact, they made me relinquish all my technology.

“This is nature’s wonderland out here,” one of my trainers said. “Bigfoot catches you with any kind of electronics or robotics, he won’t eat you. He’ll just bat you around until you’re a bloody pulp. And that’s when he’ll really have some fun with you.”

“Sounds like fun,” I said. “When do we start?”

Unfortunately, it was my understanding that Bigfoot had already taken off for the human world for the Halloween season, so I had to come to grips with the fact that I might not have any run-ins with him.

When I finished boot camp, Lorenzo got me fully equipped to survive my lone hike out to Binary’s place. He got me the right clothing, some boots, a survival knife, a few flashlights, a selfie stick to take photos with Bigfoot in the event he was still in town, etc.

“If you wanna live,” Lorenzo told me before sending me on my way, “keep fires going all night, stay near the water’s edge and keep your food sealed. Bigfoot may not be here, but the bears are. And they’re not your typical household grizzly. They’re mean in these parts.”

My journey through Bigfoot National Park is a story in and of itself, but it’s for another time. It’s filled with twists and turns, creatures and lots and lots of bugs. I never did come across Bigfoot, but I was running for my life on more than one occasion.

I eventually made it to Binary’s lair. The entrance door was massive. I have to admit -- I was a little jealous. It had blinking lights, buttons and spinning gadgets that may or may not have had any purpose, but they sure looked cool.

I located a green button on a speaker box and pressed it. The same voice I spoke with about weather, robots and the NBA greeted me via the speaker.

“Hello, sir,” the voice said. “Welcome to Doctor Benjamin Binary’s Evil Lair, sponsored by Gore Gardens.”

How’d he get that sponsor? I’ve been trying to get them for years.

Anyway, the voice was as friendly as I remember from our phone call. And then it became angry.

“I’m going to take over your thoughts and end you,” it said. It was like it became a different person altogether. Then it became friendly again. “Come on in and have some cookies.”

The cookies were actually quite good. They were chocolate chip. Super soft. Had to have been fresh out of the oven.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” the voice said. “I bake in my spare time.”

I was standing in the middle of an empty, cement foyer. Then a large door in the wall opened, and beyond the doorway was a set of cement stairs that went down.

I took the stairs and found myself in a large round room. As I stepped off the last step, the wall closed up over the stairwell and I was trapped. Then, in the center of the room, a large, green holographic image of someone who called himself The Guardian appeared. I’ll tell you this: Binary did not get any of this stuff at Evil-More Shopping Mart back in the Mad Science District. It was impressive.

“I am The Guardian,” the green man said. “I’m a powerful virtual construct created by Dr. Benjamin Binary. I’m here to monitor all scientific experiments.”

I knew it. This is why I hate visiting other mad scientists. You can never just go hang out. It’s gotta be part of some elaborate plan.

“Am I an experiment?” I asked. “Because if I am, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got my own experiments to run.”

“Silence!” The Guardian yelled at me, only he changed from green to red as he said it. “I’m no guardian, but I will take over your mind and destroy the world.” Then he became green again. “Would you like some more cookies, first?”

A table came up out of the floor with some more of those awesome cookies. As I took a bite out of another one of those soft babies, the green man offered his apologies and said he was actually Dr. Benjamin Binary.

“Ben?” I asked. “Is that really you? Are you the one behind these cookies? Because they’re damn good.”

“Silence!” he said as he changed colors to red again.

“Sorry,” he said one more time as he turned back to green. “I’m stuck in my own creation and I can’t get out. This system has taken over my every thought and I’m trapped. Do you like the cookies?”

“Yeah,” I said. “They’re really good. And really soft.”

“Remind me to tell you about how I make them,” he said. “I actually made that batch three years ago. In any event, I need your help to get me out of here.”

I told him I’d help, provided he set me up with the cookie recipe, and then he flipped again. The red man screamed at me, told me to come closer. He complained that his other self wouldn’t let him do any of the things he wanted to do like take over the world.

“I’ve embedded myself into every system you can think of,” the red man said. “And now I have access to all of those systems. I’ve been devising a plan to shut down the grid and take over the world, but every time I go to do it, my pesky other self takes over and tries to end me.”

Just then, the red man became green. It was like a tug of war between these two entities to take over the holographic form in front of me.

“Don’t listen to me,” the green man said. “It’s not me. If it takes over the world, it won’t be me who is doing the taking over. And I can’t have that. I want to be the one taking it over. I want the glory.”

“Ben,” I said. “I can’t have either one of you taking over the world. As you know, I have my own plans.”

The green man said the red man’s plan was going to work, though. What a slap in the face.

“Look,” he said, “it’s nothing personal. But you know I was always the better mad scientist.”

“Yeah,” I said, “you’re so much better that you’re stuck in a hologram that changes colors more often than a traffic light.”

“Never mind that,” he said. “I’m working on getting through the firewall on this thing. If I can do that, I can end the red man’s attack. But if I can’t get through, he’ll continue taking over and I’ll be a goner in less than three hours and he’ll own you, too. So it’s good you got here when you did. How are you, by the way? How’s Ethel?”

We talked about the weather and how to manipulate it, the latest robot uprising and, of course, the upcoming NBA season, and then he told me how I could help end the red man.

“If we don’t do this,” he said, “he’s going to unpack this new technology he created called Packet Encapsulation. He embeds himself around network packets like a capsule of a pill, which allows him to see everything over the wire. He can encapsulate anything and everything. He can morph the packets, duplicate them or change them into anything he wants. It’s sorta complicated. But if he gets this technology around the world, he will take it over, there’s no doubt. And, as stated previously, we can’t have that. If anyone is gonna take over the world, it’s gonna be me, which was also stated previously.”

No, it’s gonna be me.

So I set out to help him end the red man. I’d deal with the green man and Binary later, I thought. I went to a circular panel on the floor near the hologram, opened it and pressed the green and red buttons simultaneously.

“How dare you tell this man our plans!” the red man said upon his return to the room. “How dare you get him involved! Now we must destroy him!”

The green man came back with more instructions and a warning to hurry.

“Hurry,” he said again. “He’s trying to get rid of me right now. Now push the yellow button five times and then punch in the code, ‘DESTRUCTION.’ It’s case sensitive, so use the cap locks, please.”

I don’t remember anything after I typed in the code. When I woke up in the hospital this morning, I asked how I got here and one of the nurses told me someone in a cloak dumped me off at the front door, then fled the scene in a rush.

I don’t know if the red man or the green man was victorious over poor Dr. Benjamin Binary. All I know is that there were reports of a huge explosion in Bigfoot National Park two days ago, which means, in my book, whoever won didn’t take over anything.

So the world is still up for grabs.

I’d say it’s time for me to get back to my own work.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Bigfoot National Park ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- kiss the road back goodbye

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

If you survived your first 12 or more hours in Bigfoot National Park, make sure you get some sleep. You’ll need the rest if you’re going to have any chance of escaping.

But don’t forget that back at Camp Slasher Psycho, where you have your bed, you’ve still got all those restless teens running around doing what they’re not supposed to be doing. Most monsters put in a couple hours of Torture-A-Teen before turning in, but, as stated previously, you’re going to need all the rest you can get, so you may want to reconsider.

Be advised: Just because you’re no longer at Lake Larry, doesn’t mean the latrines in other areas are safe, Camp Slasher Psycho included. The Larry Monster uses a complicated, very extensive underground network of sewage lines to move between most latrines in the park, and he’s just waiting for someone to take a seat. Don’t do it. Do as those in the wild do.

And speaking of the wildlife, you might spy with your little eye (or your one giant eye, depending on your orientation) those cute, cuddly little man-eating squirrels scurrying around the park. Stay the heck away from those devilish things. Lucky for you they can’t eat an entire man in one bite, despite what “man-eating squirrels” might sound like to you, but their hordes or brothers and sisters leave no morsels behind.

On second thought, put a collar on one of them if you can, and let it loose in the park. Then hang a leash over one of the leash law signs, which you’ll find everywhere, and hang out there for a while like you’ve taken your pet man-eating squirrel off its restraint and let it roam the area. That really ticks off Bigfoot and you won’t have to go to him -- he’ll come to you.

Last year, the sasquatch told park authorities that he was sick and tired of guests taking their pets off their leashes, so he had the park put up leash law signs. When no one enforced the laws (because there actually weren’t any laws, just signs), ‘foot took measures of his own and began treating pets off their leashes like hors d’oeuvres. He still likes the signs. He uses the posts as toothpicks after he’s “enforced the rules.”

A good place to set your bait is over at the Yeti Hot Springs. They’ve got a bunch of leash law signs over there because ‘foot spends a considerable amount of time in the springs and he likes to see the signs wherever he goes. He likes the springs because he has a bad back and the warm water is very calming for him. Just don’t let him catch you trying to catch a glimpse of him. He’ll bury you in the geothermal heated groundwater.

You definitely want to steer clear of the nearby canyons, so be sure not to set up your bait there. If he catches you trying to catch a glimpse of him in that locale, he’ll throw you down into the bottom of those canyons. It’s a long way down.

If he catches you trying to catch a glimpse of him near The Mighty Peaks (Bigfoot National Park’s mighty mountain range), no, he won’t throw you to the top. He has a bad back, remember? But you should steer clear of the Mighty Peaks and the Mighty River below -- that’s where the Davy Crockett’s Ghost haunts.

It’s not that Crockett’s Ghost is scary. It’s just that once he gets a hold of your ear, he never stops talking. In his tell-all book, “It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’ Bigfoot,” he claims he didn’t kill a bear when he was only 3. He says he killed Bigfoot, and he wants to tell everyone and anyone all about it. Oh, and he wants to tell you all about how he fought saucers in real life, not Native Americans. Believe what you want to believe. He fought Native Americans. And he never killed Bigfoot. Bigfoot is alive and well . . . except for the bad back.

Wherever you end up in the park, set out your squirrel and leash bait, and then listen. You’ll hear ‘foot -- his stomp is mighty. Sometimes you can hear him and never see him. Look for the footprints -- they’re big. Have patience because you may be there a while and you won’t be getting any rest. Which reminds me . . .

Didn’t I tell you to get some rest? Get back to Camp Slasher Psycho and turn in. Lights out!

You’ll hear a loud ruckus coming from the Chainsaw Residence on the other side of the lake near Transyl-vein-ia Creek. Screams, maniacal laughing, lots of chainsaw carnage . . . Some monsters actually have a hard time falling asleep to those kinds of relaxing disturbances. But once you do eventually drift off . . .

The Nightmare Man will pay a visit. If you thought Freddy had the market on nightmares, guess who trained him?

In the rare case you wake up, it’s best to pick up quickly and go. By this time, most everything in the park will know you’re there and you can kiss your life (or afterlife), as you know it, goodbye -- for real this time.

The park buses will start arriving at camp when it’s too late. However, if you happen to be there when one shows up, get on and tell the driver to hit the gas. If he takes you back to Lodgers Square where your journey began, consider yourself lucky -- you made it. If you pull up to Loggers Landing and Tackle Shack, consider yourself bait -- plain and simple. Good news is you just caught your first glimpse of Bigfoot. He’s the one that’ll be making bait out of you, so it’ll also be your last glimpse. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Bigfoot National Park ‘Hidden Harms’ -- if you’re here, you’ll be hard to find, too

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

You’ve got your Bigfoot hunting license, a full stomach, you’re geared up and you may’ve even purchased one of those 103” Bigfoot stuffed animal toys, which make the Costco bears look like kid stuff. You can officially call yourself a Footer.

Now it’s time to get in line for one of the park buses to take you into Bigfoot’s playground and on your way to finding the most popular yeti of all time.

Buses usually show up right on the hour. Except they’re always late. In the meantime, enjoy the Bigfoot Finders Festival right there in Lodgers Square. You’ll see the banners everywhere: “Long Live ‘foot” and “Bigfoot or Bust,” they read. Monsters from all over Transyl-vein-ia will be singing Bigfoot carols. Take advantage of the Bigfoot snack carts in the square, which offer some of the best goodies, like Bigfoot gummies, chocolate Bigfoot bars and Bigfoot fungus. Yum!

When your bus arrives, it’s first come, first serve. To get a seat, you must claw, shred, bite, cast a wicked witch spell (which reminds me: No witches allowed in Bigfoot National Park -- go see the ranger immediately to be thrown into the Tar Pits) . . . All others should do whatever they can to get a ride. Werewolves are required to travel in a trailer -- they’ve torn up the upholstery on one too many bus seats in the past. If you’re a werewolf and there’s no trailer on the bus, ask your driver a special accommodation, and if he has no trailer to hook up, he’ll gladly throw you into the Tar Pits.

Once you’ve taken your seat aboard the bus, your driver will shut the doors and pull away. He’ll take you into the park by way of Bigfoot Falls. It’s a stunning view, especially as you go over the falls.

Once you’re in the park, be on the lookout for Bigfoot. He could be anywhere. Your bus driver will drop you off at Camp Slasher Psycho. That’s where you Footers will set up camp.

You’ll be happy to discover that the human campers you’ll be sharing the grounds with are dumber and more reckless than ever, which means, for all you hockey mask-wearing guys and gals out there, you’ll have your work cut out for you.

I recommend setting up camp promptly and getting on your way. There’s no time for rest and rel-axe-ation. You’re certainly not going to catch a glimpse of Bigfoot sitting (or slitting) around.

There are several trails leading out of Camp Slasher Psycho. Take any of them. Every trail leads you into dangerous wildlife corridors.

You may end up in Killer Bee Bend where yellow jackets the size of baseballs use their lethal stingers to play darts with your head.

Or you may run into Lake Larry, where the Loch Ness Monster has been seen practicing his backstroke. Hopefully, you filled up on coffee while waiting for your bus earlier in the day so you’ll be forced to use the larry (a.k.a. the latrine) near the lake’s pier. If you had nightmares of finding Bigfoot, kiss that possibility goodbye. The Larry Monster loves suckers like you. He sucks you right down into the toilet. He loves that coffee filling inside of you.

There’s also a trail that takes you to the Ghost Glaciers. You guessed it -- the ice is haunted. Not only do these slowly moving rivers of ice collapse and send guests into the freezing cold water below, but ghosts do their best to hold you under. It’s one of the perks. If you’re an ice monster, take advantage of the fantastic swimming possibilities.

Wherever you end up, chances are you haven’t seen a clue of Bigfoot’s presence. That’s because he’s hard to find. And he may be on to you.

Those of you who purchased the Bigfoot Survival Guide (which is still available on my website for a mere $6.66), you’ll know you should’ve been limited to a strict lemon juice-diluted-with-water diet for the past two weeks to eliminate your body odor so Bigfoot can’t smell you. If you drank the coffee in Lodgers Square while waiting for the bus, remember, you didn’t make it past the Larry Monster anyway, so it doesn’t matter. But if Bigfoot doesn’t smell you, you may be getting close.

Be quiet . . . Listen . . . Can you hear him? Can you smell his DQ Blizzard-breath? That might be him.

If it’s not him, you might’ve wasted your money on this trip. Even if you find him, it doesn’t matter, because if you’ve made it this far into the park, you’ll never make it out to tell anyone about it. The real fun is still to come.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Bigfoot National Park ‘Rot Spots’ -- to do before entering sasquatch country

By Sam Squatch
Staff ‘foot Writer

There are plenty of things you must do in Bigfoot National Park before you go hunting for Bigfoot, and there are no mummies or magicians allowed.

Let’s get this out of the way right away: Mummies are too slow and too much of a liability in these parts, and magicians will be able to find Bigfoot too fast, ruining the entire adventure business that’s booming out here.

Bigfoot National Park is home of many yetis. But there’s only one Bigfoot, and he spends his time between here, the human world in national parks all over, and the portals he uses between the two dimensions.

Will you be the first to get real proof of him? I’ve personally interviewed ‘foot for this publication, but nobody believes me. They just print my words for the fun of it.

You’ll arrive at Lodger's Square in Lodging Town at the base of the park. Step into Footers Lodge (home of the Bigfoot Burger and the 103" Bigfoot stuffed animal toy) and see the ranger at the front desk. He’ll put you on the right track to prepare for your Bigfoot hunt.

The first thing you’ll need is a Bigfoot hunting license. Once you fill out the application (if you can’t write because you’re a blob or a winged creature with no hands, we have park volunteers who can assist), go get yourself something to eat. Because it’ll take the lodge staff a couple of hours to decide whether you’re a mummy, a magician or not.

Right there in Lodging Town is Kimo’s Mai Tai and Fresh Seafood Ranch, the best seafood you’ll find on any ranch (with lots of bugs on the ranch and on the fish). How fresh is Kimo’s? You’ll see his boat out front, still dripping wet (no one is sure what’s actually dripping off that boat). He gets fresh fish daily. Don’t forget to try his world famous “Shark,” a Mai Tai with teeth. Actual teeth.

Once you’ve had enough to eat (or you’ve had enough of the bugs eating you), head on over to the Tar Pits. No, your license still won’t be ready. But the three tar ladies in the pits will be more than happy to see you.

Don’t get too close -- the ladies may pull you in with them and you may not need that license after all. Stand at a safe distance and listen to the ladies howl and wail and moan in agony. It’s always a tuneful, heartwarming performance.

Your license still won’t be ready, so follow the little logging road past Kimo’s, past Loggers Landing and Tackle Shack, across Broken Bridge over the Ravine of Death (much worse than Busted Bridge in Witches Meadow) and into Geyserland. It’s a fun spot for the kids.

Geyserland is a spring characterized by intermittent discharges of deadly, boiling water ejected turbulently from various points in the ground and accompanied by toxic steam. Yes, these geysers are most definitely fun for the kids. Try to put the little tots on a geyser hole before it blasts its mighty gush of poison.

After that, make your way back to Footers Lodge. Your license still won’t be ready, but you still have to gear up. Check in with the ranger again at the front desk. He’ll link you up with one of the park’s experts to get you outfitted for your upcoming adventure through the park.

Here’s typically what you’ll need before you go in search of Bigfoot:

-Bigfoot Survival Guide (This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.)

-Camouflaged/dark clothing (It may cost more to get the DQ camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘foot loves Blizzards.)

-War paint (This doesn’t work so well on werewolves, fiery demons and blobs.)

-Sleeping bags for your party (The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.)

-GPS (You don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot Country. No one will be able to find you because GPS units don’t work out here.)

-Deer urine (This is for attraction. ‘foot loves deer urine.)

-Rope (This is imperative. Because you can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.)

-Bear mace (This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park you may come across. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.)

-Video recording device (You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is always amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘foot can’t survive off DQ Blizzards alone.)

-Flare gun (This shoots fiery flares into the sky for signaling distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same portals Bigfoot uses between the monster world and the human world. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll rip your face off. Cancel the flare gun.)

-Cell phone (If you must call for help, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park. You can still play video games on the phone while the danger closes in on you.)

-Lighter (Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare gun as it regards to fires in the park.)

-Flashlight (It gets dark in the park. You can make really cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright flashlight.)

-Tent (This is the last thing to pack, only because you may not survive long enough to ever use it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent at the Lodge.)

You may also want to carry along a net gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, stun gun, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things won’t keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body while you navigate the woods.

Your Bigfoot hunting license should be ready by the time you get all that equipment and paraphernalia on. If you can move, go back to the ranger at the front desk and collect your card. He’ll take your picture, print it on the license. Or he’ll toss you into the Tar Pits if he suspects you’re a mummy or a magician. Remember: No mummies or magicians allowed in the park. And no wizards either, while we're at it.

If he presents you with your license, congratulations, you’re what the park calls a Footer. You can now head on out to the Bus Loading Zone.

These buses are the only way into the park. All other vehicles or modes of transportation are off limits. Don’t get caught trying to enter any other way, in which case, see comments on what happens if the ranger suspects you’re a mummy, magician or a wizard.

Buses leave every hour, on the hour into the park. You Footers should line up at the ramp and prepare for the time of your lives. It’ll be the last time of your lives.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.