Book Excerpt: Hunting Bigfoot

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

When in Bigfoot National Park, do as the Footers do: Get a picture of Bigfoot. Here’s what you’ll typically need before you go search for the ol’ boy:

Bigfoot Survival Guide: This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.

Camouflaged/dark clothing: It may cost more to get Dairy Queen camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘Foot loves Blizzards.

War paint: This doesn’t work so well on you werewolves, fiery demons and blobs. Doesn’t stick.

Sleeping bags for your party: The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.

GPS: Make sure you get a GPS unit — you don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot country. No one will be able to find you. That’s because GPS units don’t work out here.

Deer urine: This attracts Bigfoot. ‘Foot loves deer urine. Beef jerky will also do the trick and it doesn’t smell nearly as bad.

Rope: This is imperative. You just can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.

Bear mace: This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park and you may come across one, or several. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of smelly spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.

Video recording device: You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘Foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘Foot can’t survive on DQ Blizzards and beef jerky alone.

Flare gun: Shoots fiery flares into the sky to signal distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same small portals Bigfoot uses between the monster and the human worlds. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll tear your face off. Cancel the flare gun.

Cell phone: If there’s danger approaching, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park, but you can still play video games on the phone as a distraction while the threat closes in on you.

Lighter: Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare guns, in regard to fires in the park.

Flashlight: It gets dark in the park. You can make really very cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright, expensive LED flashlight.

Tent: This is the last thing to pack, because you may not survive long enough to need it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent behind at the Lodge. It’ll be safer there, anyway.

You may also want to carry along a net gun and stun gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things will keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body and attracts bears while you navigate the woods.

Book Excerpt: Grintroduction

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!

GRINTRODUCTION

For those of you creatures out there who are tired of magical sunsets on idyllic tropical beaches, clean, fresh-air hikes through majestic mountains and the vibrant nightlife of cool, cosmopolitan cities, it’s time to explore Transylveinya, a monster’s paradise packed with dark and very alive graveyards, endless life-threatening jungles and seedy metropolises with horrors around every corner.

There’s another monster revolution upon us. Transylveinya travelers are popping up everywhere, coming through various gateways (portals) from the human world, anxious to see the homes of their great and not-so-great monster ancestors, eager to link up with long-lost family members, rejoin the monster community, scare and be scared. Even humans are finding their monster within and are using portals to try their luck in this danger zone, seeking that sense of belonging. Even monsters living here are doing more exploring of their own world.

From the pages of Jack-o’-Lantern Press, your portal to the monster community, this is your ultimate guide to Transylveinya. The top travel journalists of the publication will take you on a tour of all 13 districts of our great land, and they’ll help you to not only just survive to explore each district, but to experience the ultimate finale in Jack-o’-Lantern Park.

They’ll first introduce you to the leaders of each land (creatures and characters known as The Transylveinya 13), so that you’ll know, based on who’s running things and where, what to expect from the unexpected. You’ll find out what’s hot and what’s rot in each district in the Rot Spots stories. Then you’ll learn about the more charming places to visit and things to do in the Hidden Harms essays. To cap off each adventure, you’ll discover the more serene locales in our Deceaseful Settings stories. Throughout all these pages, Jack-o’-Lantern Press travel experts will offer up tips on what to pack and how to dress, a list of must-have souvenirs to pick up, things to do before passing on, informational tales about celebrated landmarks and places for perfect photo ops, hometown recipes and historical highlights to help you get unreasonably familiar with each area.

In the end, you won’t be any more able to take on the horrors of Transylveinya, but by (not really) knowing what to expect, you will be more terrified. And that makes all the difference.

Transylveinya was discovered many centuries ago by The Founder. The Founder, who may or may not still be around, is/was part vampire, part werewolf, created in what we would today call a lab. He was hunted by angry villagers, caught, mummified and entombed alive. Over 100 years later, tomb raiders unintentionally freed him. And he was still not dead. So he destroyed them and then sought revenge on anyone who had anything to do with his torture. Having accomplished that, he found himself very alone.

In his search for a place to spend his endless days and acquire an never-ending supply of blood for sustenance, The Founder came upon a land in the middle of what was once known as The Unknown. There he found a river of blood, what we know now to be the Mighty Vein River (which at present stains all 13 districts of Transylveinya before flowing out to the Blood Sea), and in the river he found enough blood for three or maybe more abnormal lifetimes.

Due to this artery of red liquid coursing right through the land, The Founder named the whole place Transylveinya. Note the syllable “vein” in the name. We’re told The Founder is/was a punster. He built his home — a large, crumbling, dusty, web-infested castle (even when it was brand new) — high on a hilltop. The palace can still be viewed in the far corner of the Transylveinya Pines gated community.

Over the years, The Founder traveled the world, discovering other dimensions through the portals we still use today, democratically terrorizing all forms of life, sucking up more blood, and attracting other like-minded creatures on his way back home.

The monsters, ghouls, goblins and witches who followed him back would stake out their own corners of Transylveinya, gradually forming the 13 Districts of Transylveinya:

1) Witches Meadow

2) Downtown Transylveinya

3) The Mad Science District

4) Transylveinya Hills

5) Werewolftown

6) Bigfoot National Park

7) The Carpathian Mountains

8) Shadow City

9) The Monster Islands (in the Blood Sea)

10) The Black Lagoon

11) Valley of Doom

12) UFO Springs

13) Jack-o’-Lantern Park

This book should shed a little darkness on each of those gloomy districts. We won’t cover all the things to do — the rare and unusual shopping, the places not to eat or the pitiful lodging — but we’ll highlight what we think is worth checking out on your own way to checking out. (All other information, when in the monster universe only, can be found on the Monster World Wide Web, mwww.InsertNameHere.mon. That’s “mon” for “monster,” silly.)

Upon your transition from one district to the next, you’ll receive a District Coin. Each coin is unique to the district you just barely survived (if you survive), imprinted with the bust of the leader of that district. Save those woody wafer-like coins. You’ll need them for the aforementioned grand finale of your journey in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, where, with those coins, you’ll be allowed to climb up Jack-o’-Lantern Tree Hill and see the great Jack-o’-Lantern Tree, the hill’s namesake and the source of all authentic Halloween magic. You’ll not only view an amazing landmark there, but you might also be able (mad scientists and evil villains pay close attention here) to harness the fickle magic of the tree and take over the entire world.

Transylveinya is a great big monstrously terrible land. But we still look forward to you visiting. And to those of you who already reside in these parts, we look forward to you getting to know where you “live” a little better.

It’s time to get ready for your trip to the monster homeland. It’s time to monster up!

Book Excerpt: Fearword

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE. 

We monsters appreciate all your support, and kindly ask that you rate and review the book. Enjoy!

FEARWORD

By Dracula

As reigning President of Transylveinya, I highly recommend travel to this great land. Therefore, since this is (probably) the only existing guide to the monster universe, I suppose I have to recommend this volume as well, even if it is a little shoddy and lacking in the good kind of bad taste we monsters crave.

If you’re a monster, a mere monstrosity, a Halloweeniac or just a weirdo and utter sick puppy with a need to learn more about the inhuman condition, this book is for you, and you’ll be in bad company. Sure, we of the monster community can be horrifying individually, preying upon weak humans and whatnot, as you’ve no doubt seen in old movies like “Frankenstein” (1931), “The Wolf Man (1941) and, of course, everyone’s favorite, “Dracula” (1931) — what a masterpiece. But it’s monster togetherness that is of so AH!mazing! It’s that monster bond you feel on Halloween night, roaming the streets with your fellow spooks. It’s that monster family feeling you see in those paper decorations of haunted houses with creatures of different regions creeping from each window and each door. And it’s the joy you encounter in monster mash-up movies like “Goosebumps” (2015), “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” (1948) or “Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween” (2018).

This book, then, packed with stories big and small, hairy and scary with warts and all, pieced together like Frankenstein’s Monster, is a tribute to Halloween and a celebration of popular monster arts and culture. Consider this travel guide a tool to recognize and promote our rich heritage and customs (monster holidays, bad recipes and any of the traditional ethnic cuisine from Transylveinya’s 13 districts), and we hope to inspire camp followers to keep our values and culture alive. “It’s ALIVE!”

The contents within come from those friendly weirdos at Jack-o’-Lantern Press (or JLP at JackoLanternPress.com), your online news and entertainment source for monsters, by monsters. As ambassadors of the monster universe, those from JLP hope to share this world from waaaaay back, all the way through the ages, from those early Universal movies of the 1930s, ‘40s and ‘50s (did I already mention the 1931 “Dracula”?) to the Hammer Horror films of the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s (like 1958’s “Horror of Dracula,” 1960’s “The Brides of Dracula,” 1972’s “Dracula A.D.” and, yeah, some other movies that aren’t about me but are pretty good like 1957’s “The Curse of Frankenstein,” 1959’s “The Mummy” and 1964’s “The Gorgon”).

This book also draws upon the popular art and creative endeavors that came about during the “monster craze” in America (roughly between 1957 and 1972), the “monster resurgence” of the ‘80s and ‘90s with the creation of Cracked Monster Party magazine, and the latest “monster revolution” that began in the 2000s with author R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps universe, the “Hotel Transylvania” movie franchise and the monster and horror pictures of the day. The films, books, etc. referenced here by no means make up a definitive list, but they are among JLP’s favorites as they relate to your upcoming journey to Transyleveinya.

And if you’re into endless endeavors (and you probably are if you have any intentions of finishing this intimidating MONSTER of a book), check out the following items as companion pieces: Forrest J. Ackerman’s tribute to all things monster, Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine, John Landis’s fantastic book, “Monster in the Movies,” and Mark Voger’s book on the Monster Craze in America, “Monster Mash.” It wouldn’t hurt (even if you want it to) to also check out the Gaines family’s EC Comics’ “Tales from the Crypt,” “The Vault of Horror” and “The Haunt of Fear.” And, of course, R.L. Stine is an author all monster lovers must know.

There’s much ground to cover here, from creeks to seas, forests to jungles and haunted homes to the pinnacle of any Transylveinya traveler’s list, my castle, which you’ve no doubt seen in any given episode of my hit!!! reality series, “Real Drac’s Castlewives of The Carpathian Mountains.” So go hesitantly in the direction of your nightmares. And live the afterlife you’ve always dreaded.

By the way, you can catch “Real Drac’s Castlewives” Mondays at midnight on The Bride of Frankenstein’s BOF Network to see six of my real wives as they live, die, return from the dead and scare the lurkers in The Carpathian Mountains.

Now go.

‘Transylveinya Traveler’ is here!

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

TRANSYLVEINYA -- Finally, that trip you’ve been planning to the monster homeland can be attained by securing your very own copy of “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

Click HERE to purchase. And don’t forget to rate with five stars and add rave reviews with lots of big, fancy words.

Todd Durham, creator of “Hotel Transylvania,” calls the book “monsterlicious!”

Jack Perez, director of “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,” “Monster Island” and “Some Guy Who Kills People,” is equally excited.

“I’ve dealt with giant sharks, mutated insects and decapitation-happy psychopaths, but I didn’t know anything until I read this book,” he said. “It’s the ultimate tour of our monster-happy universe.”

Monsters everywhere received news of the book’s release early this morning, and left their tombs, haunted houses, castles, labs and swamps to grab a copy. They’ll soon be at your doorstep to haunt you until you get yours.

And while you wait for the book to arrive and for your mail carrier to navigate your deadly, piranha-infested moat out front, check out the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast from the creators of the guide.

To listen on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

Spotify users, direct your mice to THIS and click.

The Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast is also available on other platforms as well. Just search it. And prepare to be blown away because JackoLanternPress.com creators, Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella, really know what they’re doing.

Now why are you still reading this post? Go on over HERE and get the book already. Sheesh!

Season 4 and more on its scary way

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Happy Friday the 13th! And with that, here comes Halloween in a fury.

As Jason sharpens his machete for his big night against teen angst, those of us here at Jack-o’-Lantern Press are pre-scaring for August 1 and the start of our eagerly anticipated, not-hyped-enough Season 4.

This year will be a special one as we report on the upcoming monster revolution and all the breaking monster happenings in the monster world of Transylveinya.

We’ll also see the release of the ultimate travel guide to the monster world, JLP’s “The Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons…And Mad Scientists, Too.”

So be sure to scurry back here in less than a month’s time for all the monster news and monster entertainment your monster mind craves.

This is your portal to the monster universe.

The clock is ticking…It’s almost time…

MONSTER UP!

#MonsterRevolution   #MonsterUp   #TransylveinyaTravelerBook

Disposable coffin liners, Drac blood mugs and rocks are must-haves before leaving the Carpathian Mountains

By H. E. L. Hownd

Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- If you’re traveling to the Carpathian Mountains, hopefully you receive the gift of eternal life, some tips on how to romance and trance your victims, and maybe even a few goodies like disposable coffin liners, vampire capes, Dracula blood mugs, books on how to fly when in the form of a bat, blood energy drinks, fang extensions, the “Children of the Night” sound effects/sweet music CD and shirts that say things like, “I gave blood in the Carpathian Mountains and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” There’s nothing like Carpathian dirt to bring home with you. And you shouldn’t forget to get your very own Count Dracula action figure, a replica Drac medallion and some mini vials of blood.

It’s also worth your time to stop by The Count’s Coffin Shoppe in Carpathian Circle to pick out a personalized high-quality therapeutic coffin, lightweight for moving on and off coaches and ships.

The ultimate takeaway from the Carpathian Mountains, however, is a bag of rocks, gems and jewels in the mountains themselves.

“Since there’s no way in this frozen hell that you’ll ever get past the rock monsters up there,” said one of the locals, “there’s one other thing you can do to get the goods: Find the Traveling Jeweler.”

The legend of the Traveling Jeweler has been fading over the years. That’s because no one has ever seen him and most have stopped looking for him. But some say that if you find him, you’ll inherit his fortune. You simply have to give up your soul and trade your life for the Jeweler’s, to roam the snowy Carpathian Mountains forever and ever.

“Yeah, there’s a curse clause in the contract that the Jeweler will make you sign if you want the goods,” said longtime Carpathian Mountains resident Vampira. “You can’t leave the mountains, you’re at constant war with the elements and the rock monsters, and you can’t keep any company. You’re forced to be alone for eternity. I’ve been trying to find the guy for years and make the deal. Some vampires can dream, can’t they?”

The curse, as you’ve probably figured out, is a catch 22. Once you have the fortune, you can’t do anything with it because you’re nowhere near civilization to spend any of it. It’s said that the Jeweler was cursed because he horded his treasures and never shared it with anyone.

“What a fantastic curse,” said a Carpathian Mountains werewolf. “I wouldn’t even want to spend it. Can you imagine having all those gems and jewels to yourself? I’d roll around in it, sleep in it, bathe in it . . . I don’t even like to bathe. But the bottom line is: No one is ever going to find that Traveling Jeweler. We’re all cursed. And not in a good way.”

For those who want to try their luck anyway, go into the mountains and look for an old, hutched-over man dressed in steampunk fashion, sporting a walking stick, massive amounts of jewelry on his wrists and around his neck, an assortment of stuffed potato sacks tied to his body, and a cloth mask and goggles on his face. Be advised: He doesn’t move like an old man. Some think he’s either a super monster or a ghost because he scales the mountains in leaps and bounds. He’s quick and he’s quiet as can be.

Seriously, you’re never gonna find him. You’ll freeze to death in those mountains in a matter of hours. It’s best you just drop by the Carpathian Mountains Souvenir Store in Carpathian Circle and get yourself the next best thing to all those priceless rocks, gems and jewels, and that’s some authentic Carpathian Mountain Rock Candy, made with real melted glacier ice, sediment and rock monster saliva. The only curse you’ll receive is an empty wallet—that candy costs $10.27 a bag, and you’ll want at least three-dozen cases.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- to be done in downtime

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Park is a great place to visit before Halloween, especially if you’re a pumpkin.

Pumpkins who’ve spent any time under the Pumpkin Patch at the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club know it’s a great place to lay low, enjoy various dishes of dirt and soak up all the water their roots can savor.

If you’re a scarecrow, however, the best place in Jack-o’-Lantern Park to go to get some rest before the big night of Oct. 31st is the Hay Fields right off Scarecrow Square.

“Everyone thinks being a scarecrow is easy,” said longtime Jack-o’-Lantern Park resident Claire Crowe. “But if you’re a working scarecrow, you know that standing on a stick in the middle of a field for months on end, scaring crows all day and all night, is exhausting. The best place to go to finally lay down and get that stiffness out of your back is the Hay Fields.”

According to the brochure, the Hay Fields is a wide-open hay meadow filled with temper-pedic straw and a full-service hay salon. Signature experiences include the three-hour (Bloody) Red Carpet-Ready treatment that offers a pumpkin juice massage, an ageless beauty haycial and a mani/pedi.

“This place was first recommended to me by a friend about 15 years ago after my first season scaring crows,” Crowe said. “I went in for shoulder and upper back tightness and found a great bargain through Groupon. I decided to get a neuromuscular massage and I had the greatest experience, thanks to Zivah. While other reviewers have noted that the Hay Fields feel more like worker fields, I couldn’t disagree more. The quality of my massage and the ambience of these particular fields were amazing in my opinion. Before every Halloween season, I look forward to my appointments with Zivah, and I always look forward to my follow-ups after Halloween night. Zivah and the Hay Fields are the best.”

But if you’re not a pumpkin or a scarecrow, and you’re looking for a place to kick back and relax, check out Pumpkintime at the top of Pumpkin Peak. Sponsored by Jack-o’-Lantern Press and located in the courtyard of the JLP Pumpkinheadquarters building, Pumpkintime is an outdoor amphitheater that hosts live ghost storytelling. It’s a great experience where you can be a part of the visceral dialogue between teller and audience.

“Our mission is to promote the art and craft of ghosts telling ghost stories through jack-o’-lantern vessels, and to celebrate and honor the commonality and diversity of the universal ghost experience,” said Pumpkintime founder I.M. Skairey. “We also work with young spirits and pumpkinhead-ucators to build community through ghost story workshops, performances and innovative resources.”

Those who attend Pumpkintime are always moved.

“It takes guts to go up in front of a live audience -- and even a dead audience -- and tell your personal ghost stories,” said Paul-o’-Lantern, who has been to more than a dozen Pumpkintime shows in the last year. “Those storytellers that have guts lay those bloody, gruesome innards all over the stage to bring their stories to gory life. And it’s awesome. The ghosts that aren’t able to expose their guts are still cool, though.”

Every Oct. 30th, the Great Pumpkin -- a regular storyteller at Pumpkintime -- takes the stage, following the Grover’s Mill Martians, to retell the tale of the time he stood up a group of trick-or-treaters who waited for him in the most sincere pumpkin patch around.

“The word ‘legendary’ is sometimes misused at Pumpkintime,” said the Carver from Carver’s Corner. “I’ve seen a lot of storytellers grace that stage in my time, and they’re all really top-notch, but the Great Pumpkin’s story about standing up those kids is, in every sense of the word, legendary.”

From the guy who curses the pumpkins that he carves and shares with guests, that’s saying a lot.

Still, there’s more to see in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. There’s the Deadly Petting Zoo (please feed the “animals”), there’s Pumpkin Launcher Landing (this is best after Halloween when pumpkins are gonna die anyway -- launching each other to their smashing deaths is a quick way to get it over with), there’s Lookout Point on Pumpkin Peak (for those who have to romance their victims instead of chase them down, Lookout Point provides romantic locales with excellent views of Transyl-vein-ia) and there’s Lantern Lane where you can experience the Festival of the Lantern Lights (jack-o’-lanterns from all over the region come to the fest wearing their best carved faces and illuminated by the brightest candles in their heads for an extraordinary night of jack-o’-lantern light and magic).

Get to where you need to go in Jack-o’-Lantern Park by way of the Tractor Ride Transit, the district’s premier transportation system. Those who use it more than three times in a week will earn ride tickets on the Transyl-vein-ia Express. And if you’re traveling to other Transyl-vein-ia districts, the Tractor Ride Transit makes stops at the Transyl-vein-ia Express Train Station.

The Transyl-vein-ia Express is a great way to travel Transyl-vein-ia, especially if you’re a monster. Fortunately, it’s not a great way to escape, especially if you’re human. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Rot Spots’ -- this is Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

After months of life without Halloween, the day has arrived -- October 1st. Jack-o’-Lantern Park is something to be seen, but go, then, go now, for it’s the worst.

Orange and yellow leaves are falling from the trees, there’s a cool crispness in the air, a fall breeze.

Pumpkins fill the fields and scarecrows stand tall. And with that, welcome to Halloween Country, one and all.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long, and every day in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. The leaves are always falling strong, and there’s crispness in the air . . . even in the dark.

In the Pumpkin Patch up on Pumpkin Peak, there’s a never-ending supply of pumpkins growing. And even though they’re shopped every day all week, the pumpkins are always overflowing.

Back in Carver’s Corner, the Carver works on his creations. The pumpkins are always there, and so’s the Carver and all his relations.

The produce at The Stand tastes better this time of year. The apples on Apple Ranch are redder, the corn belonging to no finer ear.

In Pumpkin Goodie Gully, you can get pumpkin-flavored cookies, teas . . . pumpkin pie, pumpkin crackers and even pumpkin cheese.

Bring your best roast -- they’ll pumpkinize it on the spot. Take them old rats, toads and brains to boast -- they’ll add pumpkin flavor to all you’ve got.

It’s all the same, no matter when you go. Shine or rain, October’s best, you know.  

Visit the Corn Maze, give it a try. You’ll find creatures there since April, May, June and July.

It’s when you find the dead that you should worry. You may be too deep in the maze -- you better hurry.

It doesn’t help that the walls change and the paths close. There’s a right way to go, but nobody knows.

Tree Valley is always best in October, so stop by for a bite to eat. No need to sit down, it’s actually best to run. Because you’re the bite -- you’re the treat.

And when you get to the Halloween trees, full of jack-o’-lanterns and bumbling bees, you will know and you’ll know for good reason, it’s best to go during Halloween season.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, and it’s the same in the day and in the dark.

But during Halloween season, it’s just right. It’s even better on Halloween night.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

UFO Springs ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- once you’re in the life, there’s no leaving the life

By Al Eean
Staff Skies Writer

If you’re in Podtown and inside the warehouses where pods are being grown, you can consider yourself officially one of us.

Ah, I remember Day 00. I thought I was enlisting in the Transyl-vein-ia Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces (the native mutants and monsters) at Pest Point Camp, but somehow I boarded the wrong transport and ended up in Podtown as a volunteer for Transyl-vein-ia’s other military branch -- the Alien Invaders Unit.

I’m sure you’re like I was and shocked to see so many pods in the warehouses. The body snatchers were busy when I arrived there 20 years ago. They were duplicating bodies in the hundreds. Today, you’ll notice bodies in the thousands.

After being sworn in, you’ll be assigned to an attack squad. You get a bed in your squad’s barracks, you’ll be yelled at for a few hours, you’ll find there’s a lot of hurry-up-and-wait-to-do-something-for-10-minutes, and then they’ll let you sleep for an hour or two.

On Day 01, you’ll stand in formation pointlessly for two hours. You’ll get shots, dog tags, an I.D. card . . . I remember my I.D. card. I looked tough as nails in the picture, but it was easy to for me to look tough. I felt tough. While I’m half alien, my mother’s parents come from Werewolftown, so, compared to some of those little white extra-terrestrials in my squad, I couldn’t help but feel tough as nails. My picture on my I.D. card showed my fangs and all. I looked like a beast. I still have that card.

Day 02 was filled mostly with more hurry-up-and-wait-to-do-something-for-10-minutes. I went to the dentist -- not by choice. They removed my fangs. I realize it now, but I didn’t know then that it was for my own protection. Werewolf fangs -- especially when you’re under the spell of a full moon (and if you’re invading the moon, that’s real bad for a guy like me) -- could be used to snap that helmet into pieces. That’s bad if you’re invading a planet with no air pressure. Silver bullet or no silver bullet, a half werewolf like myself wouldn’t survive that.

Day 03 is when you begin what’s called Hell Week. They teach you how to use laser beams, jet packs and your mental abilities -- which we all have, by the way -- to perform telepathy. You learn how to pilot UFOs, work the abductor beams and draw crop circles. My circles were terrible at first. I burned down three farms before I finally made a circle, and even then it looked more like a deformed rhombus.

It wasn’t until Day 10 that things started to get good. You get to take a UFO out to Red Devil’s Highway, which runs through UFO Springs, and do some abducting of your own. Before that, you had to be with at least one or two of the higher-ups. I snatched up this one young couple that had just gotten out of the Valley of Doom. They thought they’d made a clean break. That was 20 years ago. I still have that couple in preservation tanks at my home. They’re right there in my living room for guests to see. I even put green lights in the tanks to make them look really cool.

On Day 15, you’ll have the chance to go on an actual mission to other planets. It’s kind of like the mission you made during your recruitment, but this time you know you’ll be visiting other planets to gather intelligence, unlike the first time you went when you thought you were just on a tour. You’ll first go to the Intell Collection Agency located just outside Podtown. They’ll teach you how to capture and store data in the part of your brain that most beings don’t use. Lucky for me, I’m part alien, so it was easy for me to catch on. Zombies, on the other hand, have a hard time with this part of the training because their brains are pretty shot. Most of those guys and gals drop out when they get back to base.

On Day 27, you return with all the intelligence you’ve gathered. Intell Collection agents transfer it from your head into massive database systems. It’s a draining process, but afterward they give you two weeks of R&R. I spent my time at the Tractor Beam Inn. It’s still there in Podtown. That place literally sucks you in. They’ve got dancing, food and drink, and a nice game room with billiards, darts and mind games. There was this one ET I met there that played all kinds of mind games with me. I ended up marrying her. We bought a nice place in Transyl-vein-ia Hills and had two kids -- one white, one green. My oldest just had his first werewolf transformation the other night. Lycanthrope blood is thick. He took off for Werewolftown and joined the Gypsy Traveling Carnival. These kids today.

Day 50 is your big day because that’s when Alien Invaders get their first invasion papers to ship out. I shipped out on Day 66. Some ship out as soon as Day 51. On my first invasion, I somehow messed up the warp drive and thought I was over my target planet, only to discover I was really over Bigfoot National Park. I abducted Bigfoot and somehow sent him into the human world by accident, so then I had to go through the Bermuda Triangle to recover him, except my navigator got sucked out of the ship by the Tractor Beam Inn (I told you -- that place literally sucks you in), so I found myself over Monster Island. A giant octopus just off the shore batted my craft even more off course than I already was, I lost my instrumentation, side-swiped some witches doing a moon run just outside Witches Meadow, but somehow regained control of my craft only to realize my abductor beam was still on and I’d sucked up 10,000 gallons of the Black Lagoon’s worst waters. The toxic fluid ate through my abduction tank and started flooding my cockpit, so I tried to land somewhere safe, but the mountains I was flying over were moving, reaching for me and throwing rocks at me -- rock monsters from the Carpathian Mountains, no doubt. I slammed my ship into overdrive, water still coming into the cockpit, and I tried to find -- without instrumentation -- some flat ground in the Valley of Doom that I could use as a runway. There was a sandstorm there that threw me over to Shadow City. I couldn’t afford to land in that place. My luck was bad enough. That’s when I found Red Devil’s Highway in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, but I got caught in one of the King Kong performances on top of King Kong Pavilion, and he thought I was one of the planes diving for him and he swatted me into the Mad Science District where I crashed into some lab on Lab Lane in the middle of an experiment that then transported me into the Corn Maze in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. Left with no food, I spend three weeks trying to get out of that ridiculous labyrinth.

On Day 51, I came out of the maze and found myself in Jack-o’-Lantern Park’s Pumpkin Goodie Gully. If you find yourself in Pumpkin Goodie Gully, you can consider yourself officially in Halloween Country. And if you’re in Halloween Country, you might as well live it up. You’ll have plenty of other chances to attack the many other worlds out there in your lifetime. You just eat up that pumpkin-flavored goodness while you have the chance.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

UFO Springs ‘Hidden Harms’ -- beyond the sky’s limit

By Al Eean
Staff Skies Writer

If you previously had the opportunity to wander around UFO Springs on your own time and check out some of the more popular landmarks, but you only have one more night to spend in this exciting Transyl-vein-ian district, you should end your trip with the worlds-famous UFO Springs Tour.

Below is the tour schedule. It’ll keep you on the move, but you can expect to get an extraordinary behind-the-scenes look at the extra-terrestrial community of UFO Springs within just a 10-hour period:

2100 hours: Land at Crop Circle -- it’s the main street, and yes, it’s in the middle of all the crops, so don’t bother asking the aliens if you’re in the right spot. You are. There’s a briefing at 2100 hours sharp, so don’t be late. Your tour guide will fill you in on all the things you’ll do and see on the tour. Please leave your cameras back in your hotel room, that way any pictures you took on the first part of your trip to UFO Springs of UFOs or ETs can be destroyed by hotel staff. We don’t need any definitive evidence of either UFOs or ETs.

2130 hours: Board the tour saucers. From the skies, you’ll be able to get an alien’s-eye view via night vision of UFO Springs. You’ll hover over the crop circles on Old McDonald’s Farm, design a few of your own (don’t be afraid to screw up the crops or make stick-circles), you’ll see attack sites and all kinds of historic wreckage from the air, and you’ll land at Area 13 to check out the Area 13 Attacktime Museum.

2200 hours: If you’ve already been to the Attacktime Museum, don’t expect to see the same stuff. On the tour, you’re granted an all-access pass to the place, and you’ll even get to see top secret attack plans and strategies that aliens used in past invasions, which you’ll be tested on later. Commit that stuff to memory.

2300 hours: Lunchtime. You’ll have an hour to eat something at the Alien Eats Café in Area 13. Try the Moon Rocks, have some Mars Meal and enjoy “human” food, too.

0100 hours: Meet at Fleet Week Field. Every week is Fleet Week in Area 13. Fleet Week Every Week began in 1981, and it’s a way to celebrate both the alien invaders of UFO Springs and even the native monsters and mutants that defended it. From the field, you’ll get to check out the UFO Air Show, the parade of infantry monsters and many community events that have become a significant and integral part of UFO Springs’ local culture and economy. There are also Alien/Monster fights, which you don’t want to miss. It’s fun to see what happens if you root for the wrong side in the wrong section.

0300 hours: Board the tour saucers again. This time you’re on your way to Abduction Desert, and, again, if you’ve been there before, you still haven’t seen what you’re going to see on the tour. On the tour, you don’t just get to see abductions. You get to actually be abducted. It’s a good learning experience -- to know what it’s like. You’ll be taken through the Bermuda Triangle Portal to see what that’s like, too. That’s right -- the Bermuda Triangle a.k.a. the Big Daddy of all portals. Didn’t you recognize all the airplanes and steamer ships when you landed in the desert? Where do you think all those came from?

0400 hours: Back at Abduction Desert, board the tour saucers yet again. You’ll be taken on a comprehensive flyby tour of various planets and solar systems (you’ll travel through time, so this will seem to take a lot longer than the hour that’s slotted on the schedule). Next, you’ll land at the Launching Pad and Airway on Rocket Road to see where folks just like you go to board crafts to visit other worlds (for intelligence-gathering purposes) and where they go to board attack crafts to fly to and take over those worlds.

0500 hours: You’ll be teleported to the adjoining Rocket and Craft Factory. If you saw the factory on your own time, it’s nothing like what you’ll see on the tour. No need going to rocket-building floor or the UFO Museum again. That stuff is more for tourists. You’re past that point now. On the tour, you’ll be fitted for your very own space suit, given training, and you’ll even sign papers to volunteer for the next alien invasion of another world (no extra costs or fees).

0700 hours: Get on board more saucers to Podtown. There, alien recruiters will officially swear you in. Welcome to the Alien Invaders Unit. It’s time for basic training . . . 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.