Mummies proud of all-mummy-run eatery

VALLEY OF DOOM -- Mummies everywhere are thrilled about the all-new mummy-founded, mummy-managed and mummy-operated eatery in Tombtown. The new establishment, which has been slow to get a name, is intended to not only prove others wrong about a common misconception of mummies, but to show the world that mummies are, in fact, kings, with the King Tut working as the friggin’ sous chef, yo. “We’re tired of all those pompous vampires, cocky werewolves and swaggering dimwitted man-made monsters getting all the attention,” said Queen Wut, a mummy hostess from the restaurant with an axe to grind. “They think they’re so wonderful. But for your information, we mummies have the finest food, the greatest curses, the most elite minds and, of course, the greatest and crustiest bods.” According to several patrons, however, the service in the new establishment sucks. One individual said the food took three hours to burn, and by the time the wait staff lurked from the kitchen to the table 20 minutes later, all the mold had fallen off the cuisine. Misconception? Stupid mummies. There’s no misconception. By the time that last remark even registers in those mummies’ slow brains and they do that slow mummy creep-walk over to anyone who’s gonna do anything about it, discrimination will be back in fashion. Those slowpokes will need three years just to read all the words in this here story.

Lightning hitting in same place

HUMAN WORLD -- Lightning continues to hit in the same place this evening in a small human town, and now the Frankensteins are looking to renew their vows again. The Mr. and Mrs. told reporters they simply wanted another reception with lots of guests, whether they knew the creatures or not. “There were all kinds of lightning strikes out there tonight, and still more crashing down,” said The Bride of Frankenstein. “So we planned a shotgun renewal-of-our-vows ceremony and reception, and invited everyone. Then we signed up for a gift registry in the very place where all that lightning is striking and put over 100 different types of lightning bolts on our list.” At press time, the Frankensteins had already received half the electricity they’d registered for. The event helped reaffirm their commitment to the life the two monsters had started together so many years ago. It also helped reaffirm their commitment to life. They’re still alive! (Who's writing this stuff? And who's reading it?)

Mad scientist loses child at fest-evil

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- A mad scientist lost her hand-made child at the annual Witching Hour Fest-evil this evening. Just before the actual Witching Hour ceremonies at midnight when witches open the Great Portals to the human world so monsters, ghouls and goblins can start heading into the human world for the Halloween season, the child went missing. Record crowds began showing up in Spell Willows Tuesday night for Media Night and aided in the confusion. Monsters of all kinds mobbed their way into Wicked Forest and to the Black Cauldron Encampment and the Great Portals around 10 this evening, and in doing so, crushed several creatures against trees, rock walls, various structures and into the ground as the masses grew by the hundreds in what’s being dubbed “the monster revolution.” The mad scientist that lost her baby was hysterical with tears when she turned and couldn’t find her kid. “I’m so happy for the little guy,” she said. “I only wish I was able to experience such dread and separation when I was too young to crawl.” The young mother was planning more acts of terror for others to try to withstand this Halloween season as she lined up to be transported into the human world. This mad scientist with all her carelessness has proven once again that the natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. Let the generous acts of scaring begin.

Multiple brutal slayings discovered

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- A werewolf pleaded guilty this evening for the grisly slashing and slicing of several vampires who were found bleeding profusely all over Spell Willows. Hordes of zombies ate out the gory innards of a giant tarantula a few logs down, three mole people were found screaming in a burning car near Coven Creek -- probably the work of the Red Devil -- and an army of aliens probed, tortured and then buried a mummy family alive in a marsh just south of Witch Way Caves. It’s Media Night, and those bleeding vampires, the torn-apart giant tarantula, the torched mole people, the buried mummy family, their predators and other monsters, ghouls and goblins are, as you'd imagine, having a blast as the fun and games are just beginning in preparation for the Witching Hour festivities tomorrow night at midnight, when our favorite witches open the Great Portals for creatures of the night to enter and cross over into the human world for the Halloween season. Jack-o’-Lantern Press was there to meet many of the terrorizers to haunt this year and to get the scoop on some of what’s planned for All Hallow's Eve. It’s gonna be a big one for 2018 -- the monster revolution is upon us. More slippery carnage and joyous tragedy is still on the way. #MonsterRevolution

Season 4 and more on its scary way

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Happy Friday the 13th! And with that, here comes Halloween in a fury.

As Jason sharpens his machete for his big night against teen angst, those of us here at Jack-o’-Lantern Press are pre-scaring for August 1 and the start of our eagerly anticipated, not-hyped-enough Season 4.

This year will be a special one as we report on the upcoming monster revolution and all the breaking monster happenings in the monster world of Transylveinya.

We’ll also see the release of the ultimate travel guide to the monster world, JLP’s “The Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons…And Mad Scientists, Too.”

So be sure to scurry back here in less than a month’s time for all the monster news and monster entertainment your monster mind craves.

This is your portal to the monster universe.

The clock is ticking…It’s almost time…

MONSTER UP!

#MonsterRevolution   #MonsterUp   #TransylveinyaTravelerBook