Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Thursday, August 3, 2023

OBIT: Elmer Soda

Elmer Soda, 22, of some town in the human world, died Monday evening while walking his dog through his neighborhood park. He was born July 1, 2021, in some other town in the human world to Lawrence and Jill Soda.


While bleeding out on the sidewalk due to a nasty wound to the jugular, Soda claimed that he lived a good life. Asked what caused what would eventually be the death of him, he said a werewolf had bitten him during the full moon.


“Ahhhh-nahhh-ahhh,” he screamed literally minutes before he left the world.


Soda worked as an expediter in the food service industry. He had no significant other and no friends. His parents had already previously died, he has no siblings, and he really had no friends. Many of his co-workers said they thought he was a dweeb.


An avid gamer, Soda leaves hundreds of video games and numerous video game systems behind. He’s survived by no actual living beings. But, by the looks of his wounds and the nature of his death, Soda is no doubt survived — meaning, he will survive, and on the next full moon he’ll most likely be back, this time on the prowl, essentially making this obit null and void. Can someone say "werewolf party"?

Friday, August 21, 2020

We have an election


By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer 

President Count Dracula is up for re-election, and this time around, despite wanting all the power in the previous election, and due to the presidency being “a lot of fargin’ work,” he chose a running mate. On the ballot with him is the Monster’s Mate. To contest “duttt mmmrrrfffing toxic union,” Frankenstein’s Monster decided to run, but no monster could really understand his mumblings, so they knocked him down to the vice president slot (VPs don’t do anything anyway), and the Invisible Man, who developed anger issues as a result of using Monocane while experimenting with invisibility, is naturally pissed off and a shoe in to debate “that arrogant a-hole” Drac because Drac is, well, sometimes an arrogant a-hole. These are the issues. Forget about the good and bad of the nation.



Mortal combat will begin soon. Vote for Prez and Vice Prez this Halloween.

Free moat monster

Come pick him up! My moat monster keeps letting guests cross my drawbridge without inflicting any pain or death blows whatsoever. Not one bite, not one scratch. Every guest has been able to enter my domicile. And I’ve had to spend time with them. I’m at 1313 Sixsixsix Way, Rottenham, WM 13666. So come pick him up now. He’s free!

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

New Downtown strip club a howling success

By Verona Cirus
Staff Pandemic Writer

A new strip club in Downtown Transylveinya is getting high praise. Strippers offer entertainment in the form of exotic dance and striptease. Patrons yell, “Take it off!” In these COVID times, monsters now only dread what other monsters look like underneath. How snarling are they really? Big and sharp teeth? Do they drool? “Take it off!” audiences continue to shout. “Throw me that face covering!” See total face at the all-new SeeTeeth Maskless Strip Club & Lounge. Go to SeeTeeth.mon for details.

Friday, August 14, 2020

Disgruntled Graboid makes waves

By Earl & Valentine
Staff Handymen & Dead Body Recovery Services Writers

A 60-something-year-old Graboid (aka Mother Hunker, aka Shrieker, aka worm-like monster hungry for human flesh) filed a complaint last night with the Valley of Doom’s Tremor Order concerning another Graboid (aka Dirt Dragon, aka Ass Blaster) that rudely serpentined between her and the Earth’s surface (maybe 20 yards below ground) on her ascent toward human life above. She was irked that she had to stop in her tunnel and wait for the rogue Mother Hunker to pass. Who was he to slow her down? When asked if she was going to—

 

The 60-something-year-old Graboid cut off our question before we could actually ask it, and said, “These monsters today are all so entitled and have no patience at all.”

Thursday, August 13, 2020

Firing squad forgets to use silver bullets on werewolf

By Stu Pidd

Staff Birdbrain Writer

 

An entire Valley of Doom firing squad won’t go before another firing squad for not using silver bullets on their werewolf prisoner. The werewolf ate them.

King Kong wrecks roller skates

By Ray K. Havoc

Staff Damage & Destruction Writer

 

King Kong’s damaged roller skates is hardly a loss. With the $86,000 Tesla on his left foot and the $200,000 Lamborghini on his right, neither was really worth the money as they both stopped rolling before the giant ape could skate with them halfway down just one city block.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Non-compliant homeowner sent before HOA firing squad

By Ache O. Ay

Staff Rules Are Rules Writer

 

A Transylveinya Hills homeowners association sent a homeowner to a firing squad for an overgrown lawn. The HOA’s president said the rules state clearly that no home shall have a lawn.

Monday, August 3, 2020

Ancient mummy missing

By Barry Olde
Staff Dust To Dust Writer

The Mummy was reported AWOL over the weekend. According to officials, the classic monster had a two-day head start. After an exhaustive search of the famous Valley of Doom tomb, authorities found the bandage-wrapped fiend halfway down the hall making a “run” for it. He was heavily fatigued and very much out of breath.

Friday, September 27, 2019

Becca Banshee 1825-2019

Becca Banshee died in her mist early this morning. Becca, who, like all banshees, is known for traveling through mist, was, according to reports, traveling through too much of the stuff, she couldn’t see, she tripped, hit her head, was whaling (before and after the fall), and bystanders thought she was just whaling as banshees do, so they went on their way while yelling for her to shut the hell up — like usual — and, without any medical attention, she perished. Many of Becca’s banshee sisters showed up on the scene to see her spirit carried away. They wouldn’t stop whaling. Enough already.

Charlie Chupacabra 1995-2019

The G.O.A.T. of all goatsuckers is dead. Charlie Chupacabra died in an epic battle late last night at The Alamo. Bad guys had been picking off more inferior goatsuckers in the area for weeks, and just when we thought our chupacabra brethren had them outnumbered, a plot involving U.S. military and rounds and rounds of unnecessary fire power was hatched to hit us where it hurt — and boy did it hurt. They got Charlie in the process. More and more G.O.A.T.s are being bred every day. Sequels are in our future.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Book Excerpt: Want Ads

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with — Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras around and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon. 

For Sale — Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Contact: RealNightmares.mon.

Got Web? — Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning webs in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Project X House Needed — Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, sort of a poster house for paper Halloween decorations. Preferably a house on hilltop against dependable full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must (for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in). Trees out front are required for ghosts to swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls, menacing crows and portentous ravens to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! from. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for this party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.mon.

Werewolf Walker for Hire — Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Missing — Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info. (Bill’s rented a booth in Conference Room C for the last five years, and he never stops asking guests if they’ve seen Fluffy, offering them over 300 pictures to show monsters what Fluffy looks [or looked] like.)

Book Excerpt: Hills Highlights

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

What’s in Transylveinya Hills, a monster’s suburban paradise? Plenty. Here are some highlights:

Pink Flamingo Garden Shop on Gnome Name Street — This is a great place to go to stalk up on the things you’ll need to build your own pieceful backyard paradise, with killer gnomes, killer flamingos and other lawn terrors that’ll tear you to pieces.

The Library of the Dead — The characters in these books jump off the page — literally in all of the literature here.

Transylveinya Hills Skulling Alley — Take a break. Roll some strikes and crack some heads where the lanes are long and the skulls are fresh.

The Firehouse — This is probably the best destination for recreation and relaxation. Take an elevator plunge down to the lava-flowing, flame-throwing caverns of the Fire Caves to spend some quality time with the Red Devil, and burn off some serious calories.

The Local Trash Services — Collect as much trash as you want to keep. But don’t be too greedy. Garbage is a terrible thing to waste.

Goblin Street bed-and-breakfasts — It’s a goblin’s job to wait on you here. He’ll wait on you to go to bed, and then he’ll call on you from his oak to come out and play.

Tree People Place — Unlike the goblins of Goblin Street, tree people won’t taunt you. They’ll just go into your room and take you. Their idea of playing is prickly, especially as they drag you up the trunks of their trees and through the branches.

Transylveinya Hills Drive-In — If you’re open to demonic domination, a night at the movies is always a top recreational activity. The demons up on that big screen are more than happy to come down and enter your vehicle … and your soul.

A haunted house in Bat Court — The bats are always swarming. Lightning never stops striking. Thunder keeps clapping. Rain pours forever. Skeletons greet you and take you into their dwelling so you can experience true haunted house living. And if you haven’t experienced haunted house living, take my word: it’s among the last things you’ll ever get locked into doing.

The Wreck Center on Wreck Center Circle — This is a great way to release stress. Bust down walls, crash through windows and smash up furniture. Using your own hands to break something down to the ground is a guaranteed way to make you feel productive.

Friday, September 13, 2019

Friday the 13th, full moon & more

It’s going to be quite the night!

It’s Friday the 13th …

A full moon is out …

There’s a lightning storm on its way with enough activity for Dr. Frankenstein to harness the power needed to bring his newest creation to life …

Teenagers opened several mysteriously-locked R.L. Stine “Goosebumps” books …

A member of the Worrell family just finished building a tree house in the same oak a long lost ancestor used to seal away a deadly troll …

A devil-red 1958 Plymouth Fury is rolling off the assembly line …

A somewhat absent-minded skip tracer and a drunkard drained a pool of lethal, genetically altered piranha into the river system of the world …

An unwise archeologist opened a mummy’s tomb …

Gremlins ate after midnight and were exposed to an ungodly amount of water …

Some imbecile said the words “Klaatu, barada, Nnnn … Necktie” over the Book of the Dead …

Two dimwits at the Uneeda Medical Supply building accidentally released a military-produced chemical called 2-4-5 Trioxin, which rose into the air, fell back to the earth, and is now seeping into the ground of the nearby cemetery …

A babysitter put the kids to bed, then invited her boyfriend over for some lessons in French …

On the roof of a nearby apartment building, the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper are opening a supernatural gate for Gozer-worshippers …

Ummmm …

Can someone say house party? It’s happening over at that home built on ancient burial grounds.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Star Sightings: Bigfoot

CAUGHT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA — Bigfoot was seen in Big Bear early this morning struttin’ his signature “Bigfoot Walk” (proving he’s the real deal), and sippin’ on a boba tea.

Friday, September 6, 2019

Book Excerpt: The Junkyard

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

For those of you giant killer insects out there looking for a big bite to eat, buzz on over to The Junkyard on Insect Centre Drive. The Junkyard is an eatery that offers up everything from tasty motorcycles and vans that roving gangs have stripped bare of parts, to mouthwatering sedans and trucks that are only recently no longer in operation.

The place is still somewhat new, but it’s already gaining a reputation as the best bite in town for ginormous bugs looking for a hearty breakfast, lunch or dinner. And do you hear that pulsating high-pitched screeching sound (the one those giant horrible ants make in the 1954 film “Them!”)? That means it’s time to eat!

“I have a huge appetite for Volkswagen Beetles,” said an enormous beetle who lives in town. “My wife never serves the stuff. She thinks it’s cannibalistic since we share the same name, but, you know, it’s totally different. That’s fine, though, because The Junkyard has the best Beetles I’ve ever tasted, most of them with less than 100,000 miles on them, so I’ll just keep going there when my appetite’s on the loose.”

The Junkyard also delivers its wrecks. They have a fleet of car carriers that can transport up to 10 vehicles at a time to your hive or nest, perfect for those of you lazy bugs with the biggest appetites.

Here are a few regular items on the menu:

Breakfast
Crashed-Up Hondas with Pasta
Freshly Beat Toyotas
Smoked Volvos

Lunch
Engine-Fried Fords
Chevy Slammedwiches
Boneyardless Infinitys
*Not always available since these “boneyardless” vehicles are, as their name states, transient

Dinner
Braised BMWs
Mashed-Up Mercedeses
Maseratis al Dented

Dessert
Creamed Mazda Pie
Mini Coopers á la mode

To see The Junkyard’s daily fresh catches from Hell’s Highway (you might learn more about this stretch of road soon), check the Travel Tragedies section of the newspaper for newly crashed vehicles.

Book Excerpt: Death Potion No. 17

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to JackoLanternPress.com. Or click HERE.

Dr. Henry Jekyll has a new and improved potion for you to try. Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is longer lasting than previous formulas and offers consumers a much bigger boost of rage and insanity.

Some of the world’s most intense monsters say No. 17 contains the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver the big bad nasty “Mr. Hyde” demeanor that only potions from Dr. Jekyll’s lab can offer.

“Will girls be screaming?” said Dr. Jekyll. “Yes. Will kids be running? Yes. Will grown men cry? Absolutely. This new formula packs a serious wallop. The good news is Death Potion No. 17 offers no health benefits whatsoever. In fact, the combination of chemicals is likely to do more harm than good. I’m thrilled about that.”

Some of the unpleasant side effects of No. 17 include elevated heart rates, hypertension, anxiety, headaches and interrupted sleep patterns. A study by Transylveinya University suggests even more exciting outcomes — severe heart palpitations, strokes and an added bonus: permanent insanity.

“Whenever I’m feeling too cheerful or content,” Jekyll said, “I take a couple sips of No. 17, and it transforms me into a raging lunatic, pushing me to turn everything and everyone upside down. Try it for yourself. You’ll be the pain of the party in no time.”

Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is now available on the quack market.

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Stage & Studios Desk: The Creature on the Conan show

In an interview with Conan the Barbarian last night on “Midnight with Barb,” the Creature from the Black Lagoon discussed his plans of playing the title role in the reboot of the popular “Wolf Man” film franchise.

Stage & Studios Desk: King Kong, Godzilla in the news

King Kong and Godzilla are working with TV writer, director and producer Amy Sherman-Palladino of the human world to reboot the comedy-drama series “The Gilmore Girls.”

Friday, August 30, 2019

Star Sightings: Headless Horseman

The Headless Horseman was spotted test-driving a Chevy Volt early this morning through Sleepy Hollow. Sources said he still didn’t have the nerve to cross the bridge.