We have an election

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer 

President Count Dracula is up for re-election, and this time around, despite wanting all the power in the previous election, and due to the presidency being “a lot of fargin’ work,” he chose a running mate. On the ballot with him is the Monster’s Mate. To contest “duttt mmmrrrfffing toxic union,” Frankenstein’s Monster decided to run, but no monster could really understand his mumblings, so they knocked him down to the vice president slot (VPs don’t do anything anyway), and the Invisible Man, who developed anger issues as a result of using Monocane while experimenting with invisibility, is naturally pissed off and a shoe in to debate “that arrogant a-hole” Drac because Drac is, well, sometimes an arrogant a-hole. These are the issues. Forget about the good and bad of the nation.

Mortal combat will begin soon. Vote for Prez and Vice Prez this Halloween.

Monster Island to raise Molding Gate Bridge toll in face of not enough mold

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

MONSTER ISLAND -- If signed by President Count Dracula, and it’ll be signed by President Count Dracula, Monster Island officials will charge its citizens a higher toll (and the headline didn't say it, but they're gonna add a new bridge tax, too) on the Molding Gate Bridge coming from Shadow City toward Monster Island.

The only problem is that, while the bridge goes toward Monster Island, it does only that because it never actually makes it all the way to the island. The bridge, which bridges nothing, drops off somewhere in the Blood Sea in the middle of a fog bank(which never lifts), and those who have taken the bridge don't seem to know where it ends (because they've never returned to tell).

“Nevertheless,” said Molding Gate Bridge Commissioner Mel Dew, “the bridge isn’t molding at the rate we want it to mold. So we need more money, and that money isn’t necessarily for the purposes of accelerating the rate of the molding process. But all that money will certainly make us feel better.”

When asked why Monster Island citizens should pay a bridge tax on a bridge that doesn’t even touch their district, and a toll, which they’d be forced to pay whether they use the bridge or not, Dew said monsters of Monster Island have every right to be upset and to protest the tax and toll.

“But we’re going to charge them anyway,” he said. “One way or another, we’re getting the money we need to feel better about ourselves.”

President Dracula giving blood substitute to others, keeping good stuff for himself

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- The media called out President Count Dracula last night for using a blood substitute in his law-ordered blood misters installed at establishments with patios and outdoor areas in several Transyl-vein-ia districts, but the vampire king said it was not true.

According to sources, Drac saved the all-natural blood for the monster mister system he put in over the weekend throughout his home district of the Carpathian Mountains.

“Not true,” the president said, and he left it at that.

When asked to explain the unnatural sweetness of the blood coming from misters in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, the Mad ScienceDistrict, Transyl-vein-ia Hills and Werewolftown, with claims that it has the consistency of corn syrup and, therefore, most likely made from corn syrup, Dracula had just a two-word response:

“Not true.”

The blood from the misters is sticky, though.

“Not true.”

But it is true, and sources have concluded that the blood in the new Carpathian Mountains misters, which is like a massive sprinkler system strategically placed at the highest peaks of the mountains, spraying blood all over the region, is the only real blood being used today.

“Not true.”

Experts have proof that vampires are getting nourishment from the misters in the Carpathian Mountains, and vampires in other districts are going up in flames during failed, tired attempts to make it back to their coffins before sunrise.

“Not true.”

Charcoaled vampire corpses are being found on the streets every day. Check the morgue.

“Not true.”

There’s also scientific confirmation that these vampires had fake blood in their blood stream, hence, leaving them without the sustenance they needed to make it back to their graves.

“Not true.”

Face it -- there’s real blood being used in the Carpathian Mountains and fake blood being used everywhere else.

“Not true.”

There’s even video showing real blood from actual living presences being pumped through the Carpathian Mountains misters and fake blood from thousands of tubes of fake blood bought at CVS being pushed through the misters in other districts.

“So not true.”

Look in the dumpsters -- you’ll see the empty tubes.

“It’s just not true.”

Did you know Dracula sucks his thumb? We have evidence: He’s doing it right now.

“Come on. Not true.”

And he really has no brides, even though he tells everyone he has three. Has anyone ever seen him with even one of these so-called brides?

“Again, not true.”

So, Dracula just wants everyone to believe that whatever he says is fact.

“Now that,” he said, “is true. So, so true.”

Werewolves respond to recent disasters, and it’s not pleasant

By Calamity Janine

Staff Fun and Catastrophes Writer

WEREWOLFTOWN -- New evidence shows that portals between the human world and the monster world will, in fact, close on Halloween night, just as a mad scientist predicted after traveling into the future and seeing it with his own eyes. Monsters that travel into the human world to terrorize people on Halloween will most definitely be locked out of the monster world, leaving them stranded in the human world forever.

President Count Dracula is adding to the current state of woes by forcing Transyl-vein-ia districts to install blood misters in all patios and outdoor areas, with Werewolftown next in line. The misters have made gigantic messes, depleted precious resources -- much of which has just evaporated into the earth -- and the blood mist itself in the air is beginning to cause problems with the environment, making it difficult for some monsters to breathe and screech and howl and moan and groan.

“I went to jump out at someone the other night, and I slipped on the bloodied ground and was more like a joke than a scare,” said Jen Tacles, a street-walking octopus from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. “I couldn’t even roar. My lungs were so full of that sticky blood mist. It’s ruining everything.”

Officials Downtown confirmed the 100th mist-related scare misfortune last night as local leaders have been taking their arguments to President Dracula in the Fright House. Mad scientists, who are looking into the portal situation, have claimed that none of the issues with the misters are going to matter soon because, once the portals between the human world and the monster world close, Halloween magic will be trapped on the other side of the gateway, and monsters will slowly begin to die, and not in the fun way.

“Halloween magic is what keeps us all going,” said the Wrathful Scientist, who’s been working on a Halloween magic substitute. “If we don’t come up with some kind of alternative, we’re next on the extinction list.”

All this news hit Werewolftown last night when gypsies from the Gypsy Village held a panic protest in Werewolf Run Square late last night.

“The vampires aren’t doing a thing about what’s going on, the witches have been silent and the mad scientists usually fail at whatever they do, so we’re hoping to get the werewolves involved,” said a gypsy woman named Maleva, who was leading the protest last night under heavy blood mist from the newly installed blood misters. “When a werewolf wants the jugular, a werewolf gets the jugular. When a werewolf wants the moon, he or she will howl at that thing until it goes away. Eventually, it always does. Werewolves make it happen.”

It’s true. Werewolves never give up. If it’s a cure they’re looking for, which is rare these days, they scour the Earth to find the beast that infected them with the curse. If they’re battling other monsters, crumbling castle walls won’t ever stop them. They can’t die. They’re determined. They keep going and going and going . . .

“To tell you the truth,” said one werewolf at the Silver Bullet Pub and BEASTro last night when asked how these disasters have affected him and how he can help, “we really don’t care about blood misters or closing portals. We just keep going and going and going . . . We can’t die. So it’s really not our problem. We just really want more raw meat. And we’re always gonna get it, blood mist or shine.”

Transyl-vein-ia Hills community thrilled with Pres. Drac’s new blood misters law

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- President Count Dracula has been making his way through all of Transyl-vein-ia, passing ordinances requiring establishments with patios or outdoor areas to install blood misters. Transyl-vein-ia Hills is the next district in line to get the law, following Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and the Mad Science District.

According to a poll, the residents here fully support the president.

“We love the idea and can’t wait to get the refreshing, replenishing blood misters spraying mists of blood all over all of us at our outdoor eateries and malls,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hills native Van Pyre. “It’s good for the environment, too. The blood used in the misters is all natural, organic and totally free of garlic.”

Those in favor of the blood misters were previously against a similar proposal to get the evaporative cooling and drinking systems in outdoor areas. Former President Electrified Creature, during his campaign, promised to bring blood misters to Transyl-vein-ia Hills as a ploy to get the vampire vote, and all of Transyl-vein-ia Hills dismissed it as a ridiculous law, claiming that “blood misters would make a mess of the town.”

“That was different,” Pyre said. “The Electrified Creature isn’t a vampire, so of course we didn’t agree with him.”

When asked if non-vampire residents feel the same way, Pyre said they do because even non-vampires in the area are under some vampire’s spell, so they have to take a vampire’s side.

Little do those like Pyre know, the blood misters law is really a carry-over piece of legislation from the Electrified Creature’s administration, and not the work of President Dracula.

“That can’t be true,” Pyre said. “If it were, we all wouldn’t be in favor of it. But we are in favor of it, so it must be Dracula’s doing.”

Debate fight ends debate tonight

The Wolf Man didn’t attack Count Dracula’s policy on blood banks in Transyl-vein-ia. He just attacked Count Dracula.

Then Drac bit back. Frankenstein’s Monster got a claw to the face, hurled a fist for Wolf and it landed on Jason instead. Jason pulled his machete, swung for Monster and sliced Wolf. Sea Creature must’ve felt he was missing out, so he jumped in.

“Before we could even ask the first question, the five presidential candidates were in full ‘discussion,’” said the moderator of this evening’s town hall debate, which took place at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia. “Those who were undecided before tonight came away with a much better idea of who they want for Transyl-vein-ia President after witnessing the dispute.”

Several monsters said they have a much clearer view of the candidates’ policies after the rumble.

“I appreciate the more informal town hall debates,” said a goblin in the audience. “It’s not as stiff as the regular, more formal debates. And now I know who I want as our next president. I even got a sticker with my candidate of choice. Go Sea Creature!”

Monsters will go to the polls on Tues., Nov. 8 to choose who they want to rule this great monster land. No need to register. Just go vote.

-Werewolf Blitzer

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.