Podcast: Drop your hook in this here harbor

By Walter Monster

Staff Water Monsters Writer

This week in Jack-o’-Lantern Press, come with us aboard the USS JLP for a voyage through liquid space. First-class tickets are cheap — and so is the water craft. And we’ll be diving deep, so bring your life jackets.

Up first we have an episode of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast — a Monster Mondays episode on water monsters called, fittingly, “The Water Monster.”

Secure ship for sea. Make all preparations for getting underway. And let us know when you need to come up for air — we’ll be keeping you under till Friday.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

Valley of Doom ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- everything’s dead out here

By Death
Staff Gloom & Doom Writer

If your idea of a vacation to the Valley of Doom was a couple days or a week or two, and not the rest of your life, then maybe you shouldn’t have gone to Tombtown in the first place. Tough to get out of those bandages you’re wrapped in, especially when you’re inside a sarcophagus. It’s that plain and simple. Ah, the simple things . . .

You can holler and scream if you’d like, but it won’t do you any good. If you’re a werewolf, you might try to shred the bandages off your body with your teeth. That’ll work. The bandages aren’t so tough to get through. However, you’ll never get out of that casket. Those things hold in the worst curses.

And now you’ll never get to search for those ancient scrolls that are supposed to be buried somewhere in these parts. Folks say the scrolls hold the secrets to monster life. They might even tell you how to get out of that sarcophagus and those bandages you’re in.

But you’ll never know.

You’ll never be able to stop by the Valley Inn and Tennis Club. Located in the middle of the Valley in the middle of nowhere, the inn is one of the most famous resorts in Transyl-vein-ia.

Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolf Man, the Invisible Man, Medusa, Greta Witch and the Voodoo Queen have all been guests there at one time or another. Nighttime activities include golf, horseback riding, horseshoes, archery, Ping-Pong, shuffleboard, swimming, card tournaments and, of course, tennis -- all the things monsters like doing when they’re not wielding chainsaws, stomping on metropolises or sinking fangs into some poor victim’s neck. Each evening there’s dancing and entertainment. It’s a heck of a good time.

But you’ll never know.

You’ll never be able to hitch a ride from one of the big rigs cruising Hell’s Highway. You’ll never get a chance to stay at the Motel 666 (where they’ll turn the lights out on you).

Ah, the open highway -- it would’ve taken you out of the Valley of Doom. If you couldn’t thumb a ride, you would’ve had no problem finding a trucker to tag along with at El Diablo Truck Stop.

You would’ve been passing Fat Jack Manor by now. It’s right off the highway. Folks are always breaking down near the old place. They go to the door to ask to use a phone. Never mind all the cakes, candy, machetes and axes lying around. Just don’t call Jack fat, or . . .

It doesn’t matter. You’ll never know if you would’ve been one of the lucky ones to survive Fat Jack’s wrath. You’ll never know if you would’ve been one of the few to survive the demon trucks on that route either.

If only you didn’t stop in Tombtown. You could’ve been on Hell’s Highway. Although, according to legend, those who get onto Hell’s Highway never get off. It just keeps going and going and going in this endless valley. There are no u-turns, no right turns, no left turns . . . The highway is never-ending. Maybe you chose wisely by stopping off in Tombtown. Maybe you avoided a far worse fate.

But you’ll never know because you came to the Valley of Doom for the simple things. And now you’ve got the mummy’s curse for eternity. In other words: You're stuck here. There’s nothing complicated about that.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- learning how to live the retired afterlife

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

Monsters have a hard time coming to the decision to retire.

That’s why Del SpiderWebb, the developer behind the Black Lagoon retirement community, and his team of retirementeers are scattered throughout Transyl-vein-ia recruiting those who aren’t even interested in retiring, but who eventually will be all for it.

Taking their posts at train stations, airports and rocket landing fields everywhere, SpiderWebb’s retirementeers greet the hundreds of arriving vacationers at curbside with free bus rides to the Black Lagoon Sanitarium. Many monsters will say they’re on their way to seek out the gems and jewels of the Carpathian Mountains or to run with the werewolves in Werewolftown.

Action and adventure isn’t exactly what these vacationers need, the retirementeers will tell them. Most monsters, they say, if they’re on vacation, are too sick.

If you’re in your 100s, 200s or older, it’s time to start thinking about moving beyond the scare-focused life you’ve led. It’s time to settle down and think about scaring recreationally.

SpiderWebb and his team have found that most ghouls and goblins considering retirement have the following two conflicting thoughts about calling it quits:

1) Enthusiasm -- “I’ll finally get to reap the rewards from my decades and decades and decades and decades of scaring.”

2) Fear (not the good kind) -- “What will I do when I retire, and will I be successful?”

The above simultaneous thoughts push monsters toward retirement and pull them away from it all at the same time. And while that painful tug of war with your body might sound like fun, it’s really quite the dilemma, especially for all you scare-a-holics out there.

Those monsters who just can’t stop scaring and wreaking havoc on the world have to realize that life isn’t over (it never ends if you’re a monster -- you know this), especially if you settle down in the Black Lagoon.

Take, for example, the Brunch Cruise on the Lagoon. Sounds boring if all you want to do is scare, right? Think again. The Brunch Cruise allows guests the opportunity to stop off during various parts of the journey to visit and terrorize humans on the shores who are innocently picnicking. Talk about a blast. The cruise also stops all boats carrying humans so that guests can capsize these crafts and send people deep into the various abysses of the lagoon. Can it get more fun than that?

You might think the Bingo halls in the many Black Lagoon recreation centers are all about playing Bingo. Well, they are. That’s because Bingo is fun, especially if you’re a brain-dead zombie, so check that out.

But SpiderWebb will tell you new retirees tend to mostly enjoy the classes that the Black Lagoon has to offer. Monsters grappling with the idea of retirement are stuck wanting to accomplish bigger scares. That’s why SpiderWebb and his team offer learning opportunities -- to fill that gap.

Go to any recreation center in the community and you’ll find all sorts of educational opportunities. One of the more popular courses to take is tomb engraving. Students enjoy coming up with their own epitaphs and even those for their children and little grandchildren and their little grandchildren. They make for excellent birthday gifts and Christmas presents. Seriously, how excited would you be to unwrap a customized headstone as it pertains to your demise or, better, someone else’s demise?

Black Lagoon apparitions can also take classes on how to be wall monsters. Many ghosts may find it easy going through a wall from one room to the next, but contrary to belief, it’s actually a difficult task to move vertically through the wall from one story to another. When you think about it, don’t we all typically take the stairs? At Wall Monster Manor in Haunted Mansion Row, expert wall monsters from the human world will show you how to “up” (and down) your spooking game.

Many of those monsters contemplating retirement might ask, “Why would anyone need to learn all this stuff if we’re just retiring?”

Here’s why: The Black Lagoon is filled with portals to the human world, so you’re not ending your scaring at all.

SpiderWebb spared no expense when he was developing his retirement community. He flew in covens of witches on their brooms from Witches Meadow to install year-round portals in all Black Lagoon homes so that monsters, ghouls and goblins can hop into the human world at their leisure to scare people, then return when they’ve had their fun.

According to SpiderWebb and his retirementeers, monsters no longer have to be stuck haunting the same folks in the same setting forever and ever. Instead, they can do it on their own time. That’s the benefit of retirement that SpiderWebb is selling.

But some creatures just won’t change. And that’s just one more reason, according to SpiderWebb and company, for them to retire to the Black Lagoon. These types of monsters are sick in the friggin’ head.

And so, a free bus to the Black Lagoon Sanitarium makes good sense after all. When retirementeers grab and drag you into their transports, they’ll first take you to Bayou Landing at the entrance to the Black Lagoon for some more convincing.

Those who can withstand the many tortures there and who can remain adamantly against signing Black Lagoon retirement agreements are typically tossed into Thing Swap, and the various swamp things there will make one last attempt to convert you into a retiree before they do away with you permanently. That or they send you to the Cypresses where mad doctors simply turn you and others like you into alligator people. You lose all ability to think freely and you then just go where you’re told.

In the end, you all sign those Black Lagoon residency papers, and you board the bus again for the Sanitarium where you’ll be pronounced mad.

To be dead or mad -- that is the life!

The Black Lagoon is now offering residences for new retirees. Buses are standing by. Will you board?

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Hidden Harms’ -- what lies beneath

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

The Black Lagoon hasn’t always been the beloved retirement community that it is today. Before that it was just a lagoon.

The body of water itself was around long before The Founder of Transyl-vein-ia ever stepped foot onto this great land, and it’s said to be deeper and more far-reaching than anyone or anything can even know (except for maybe the creatures of the Black Lagoon, who claim to have travelled the entire lagoon and it’s underground waterways in search of victims). According to creatures, the lagoon’s ducts and canals go under every bit of Transyl-vein-ia. Today, it’s the primary source of water to all 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia.

“I’m here to tell you that even the water flowing out of the geysers at Geyserland in Bigfoot National Park comes from my resources in the Black Lagoon,” said Del SpiderWebb, the developer of the Black Lagoon retirement community. “Even the monsters on Monster Island get their water from me. That’s because the Dead Sea that surrounds the isle is much cleaner than the lagoon, so we export our polluted water to them for their enjoyment.”

Shortly upon The Founder’s discovery of Transyl-vein-ia, “The” Creature from the Black Lagoon was said to have evolved from the waste and scum in the water. Sources said he grew up on the south end of the loch where other creatures were coming up.

“We did all the usual things little creatures from the Black Lagoon do,” The Creature said. “We growled at all hours of the day, went swimming on full stomachs, swam away from home . . . You know what I’m talking about.”

Yes we do.

That’s around the time when SpiderWebb and his gang of zombies, werewolves and mutants came to the area and saw the lagoon as a potential revenue stream. He believed that, if he could take over the area, he could be the sole provider of polluted water to the region.

“He basically came in and took what was rightfully the creatures’ water from right under their fins,” said The Founder. “He took it with great force and brutality. I know I speak for the majority of our citizens when I say, what a monster! And we’re proud to have him as part of our Transyl-vein-ian history.”

Today, monsterfolk can visit the site where SpiderWebb and his raiders landed at the east end of the Black Lagoon. There’s no carnage left to enjoy (that’s long been devoured), but there are monuments where key creatures and other water life were ended, and the flag that SpiderWebb placed in the sand still stands where he hoisted it up on the day he laid claim to the region.

The Mighty Spidey, the boat SpiderWebb used to navigate the waters as he was taking over the lagoon, can still be viewed to this day as well. The craft lies at the bottom of the western canal.

On the third day of his rule of the lagoon, SpiderWebb was out on the water admiring what had just become rightfully his when creatures attacked and took the Spidey to the lagoon floor. Now, each day, creatures will gladly pull you under to see the historic wreckage. You can even see many of SpiderWebb’s personal belongings of the time, including the dinnerware he used to eat flies while onboard the Spidey and even his favorite pillow that he slept on while overtaking the creatures.

Creatures of the Black Lagoon today don’t hold any grudges. Those who survived takeover are fine with what happened because SpiderWebb’s community brings them thousands of victims every year to relish. But at the time, creatures didn’t like being killed and didn’t care much for the way SpiderWebb had gone about stripping their water mass from them, so they did all they could to stop SpiderWebb, even sinking his boat in hopes of getting rid of him.

“I barely made it out of that attack alive,” SpiderWebb said on the incident. “But make it, I did. And I went on to create the biggest water empire in the history of any world.”

In a matter of a few short years, SpiderWebb developed a way to pipe water to the ever-expanding districts of Transyl-vein-ia. Then he met with the stewards and rulers of those neighboring lands and began negotiating deals to provide them his resource.

“A lot of these areas had their own water sources and they didn’t need to pay me to give them what they already had,” SpiderWebb said. “That was a problem.”

So SpiderWebb went into these areas with his goons and goblins and cleaned up all the water to the point where no monster could even bathe in the stuff. And he went back to negotiate deals so all the districts could have good, polluted water from the Black Lagoon.

The rest is history, and the Black Lagoon proudly shares this story through rare documents, artifacts and a really great video -- with interviews from those who brokered the great water deal of Transyl-vein-ia -- at the Black Lagoon Museum and Historical Society Building.

On the other side of the muddy, gator-filled path that runs through the courtyard of the museum is the Black Lagoon Water Agency, which is open to the public. There, monsters can see how the agency keeps the water so nasty and how they pump it all over Transyl-vein-ia.

“Monsters who come to our world from the human world don’t know,” SpiderWebb said, “but the stench that comes from our water is so rancid, you can’t help but fall in love with the place at first whiff. When I realized that, I got the idea to build what’s now the ultimate retirement community.”

Monsters of all the worlds who paid their dues and worked hard all their lives and afterlives deserve the best place to settle down for good. The stench in the Black Lagoon area was stronger than any other place, and it was an instant draw to those looking for a place to retire.

“It’s never been a question of whether ghosts and goblins want to retire here in my community as opposed to somewhere else,” SpiderWebb said. “It’s always been a question of whether they want to retire to begin with.”

SpiderWebb, the entrepreneur that he is, spared no expense (in money or lives) to fill his community with retirees. He goes out of his way every year to “convince” monsters that they want to call it quits. It’s a story for another time.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Black Lagoon ‘Rot Spots' -- the Del SpiderWebb experience for retirees

By Colin Itkwits
Staff Re-EEEK!-tirement Writer

Located close to the alligator-infested swamps and the Stench Quarter with its rotting zombies, and boasting incredible views of the world’s most popular lagoon and the creatures bathing there, the Black Lagoon (a Del SpiderWebb retirement community) provides a sought-after lifestyle with haunted homes that feature creaky designs, creepy old crypts and bad weather year-round.

Set against the backdrop that inspired New Orleans and the bayous in the human world, Del SpiderWebb offers residences, for 105-year-olds and older, in communities that promote active retirements.

“World-class amenities,” SpiderWebb said, “and the fact that our community is constantly buzzing with activities, clubs, classes and events -- that make living in the Black Lagoon a fun and exciting environment for active adult monsters and ghosts -- were two reasons why the Black Lagoon was voted the No. 1 place to go to retire for 200 years straight.”

Those who dwell in the Black Lagoon tell others not to be left out in the sunlight. The community still has plenty of room for more kooks and creeps, offering an enviable line-up of resort-style amenities, including 13 golf courses, six recreation centers, six toxic bathing ponds and six worship centers. There’s also a hospital at the Cypresses in Boo Bayou where doctors can do even more hideous things to your looks.

But according to SpiderWebb, the Black Lagoon isn’t a place you visit for fun.

“You don’t come here for a leisurely vacation,” he said. “You come here to find and buy a home.”

The Black Lagoon gets ghouls, goblins, werewolves and zombies from all over Transyl-vein-ia who are looking to take up residency in one of the many dingy homes on Haunted Mansion Row, a place where they can ply their trade of slinking around dark halls, practicing their terror and raising the dead.

“When we set out to build our housing tracts over 200 years ago,” said homebuilder Jerry Rig, “we put homebuyers at the forefront of the design process. The home designs are the result of extensive consumer research and analysis of buyer feedback that, in the end, we ignored but were glad to have done anyway. We instead took on the challenge of coming up with what we thought would best reflect the way monsters and ghosts would want to experience life and the afterlife.”

Over 70 percent of the consumers polled said they wanted to have their space. So SpiderWebb and company built the structures in Haunted Mansion Row on top of each other.

“We’ve got several different design layouts homebuyers are able to choose from,” SpiderWebb said. “And so far they’ve worked for all kinds of spirits. Take for example the haunter over at the Red Room Estate. He couldn’t be happier. About 100 years ago, he turned over his scaring duties in the top tower of the Haunted Hotel in the Carpathian Mountains to his son, and he’s now doing his red room routine recreationally in the tower of his own home. He chose the Haunted House With Tower design, which is probably our most popular model.”

There’s also the Haunted House With Conservatory design that man-eating plants typically choose to make their home. They love sitting in the glass room, just growing there all day and eating any unsuspecting guests.

All of the designs include cemeteries.

“About 60 percent of the consumers we polled said they wanted their own graveyards,” SpiderWebb said. “We actually listened to that request and, as a result, each home has its own, fully stocked cemetery.”

More than 90 percent of the ghouls and goblins questioned in that same poll said they had no interest in an entertaining atmosphere. That’s when the creators of the Black Lagoon got to work on Transyl-vein-ia’s best flow of eating and entertainment spaces that could provide residents the ideal setting for entertaining family and friends, which is right down the street from the housing.

The now-popular Stench Quarter is full of some of the most amazing restaurants with the most awful food you’ll ever taste.

“We pride ourselves in our brains here in the Quarter,” said Chef Gore May. “We even serve chicken, which many will tell you tastes like brains.”

The Quarter is also a not-so-lively place to go. Nothing is alive there. Zombies roam there night and day in their dead-alive state, finding joy in anything that moves.

The entertainment in the Quarter is top-notch.

“There’s nothing like shrieks and moans set to ragtime piano,” said popular ragtime ghoul Art Aitum. “I play at the Ghost Club down in the Quarter, and the walkers milling around there seem to howl and groan anytime I play a good old-fashioned rag.”

Then there’s the annual Mardi Gr-AHHHH! Festival, reflecting the practice of the last night of eating richer, fatty brains before the ritual of eating them again the next night. Annual? The event is so popular they have it every day.

The most popular attraction in the Black Lagoon, however, is the lagoon itself. Made even more popular by the human world’s recreation of the lagoon in the Amazon for the movie “The Creature from the Black Lagoon,” the original Black Lagoon here boasts the greatest swimming areas at Creature Cove.

“We built fun ‘land features’ like beaches and resorts filled with people for creatures to attack,” SpiderWebb said. “And we have boats like the tramp steamer, Rita, that creatures can climb onto for the helpless prey onboard. They can pull any of those victims down into the mysterious depths of the lagoon for all the fun they can imagine.”

Creature Cove, SpiderWebb added, is one more example of how he and his Black Lagoon developers pride themselves in spending no money on capital improvements each year to ensure the amenities remain dangerous and enviable to all, and so that the community stays behind the trends that newer communities think are so great.

“We’re proud of what we’ve built here,” SpiderWebb said. “I’m not just the developer of this community. I’m also a resident. If you come check us out, we think you’d find it to be a place you’d love to call home, too.” 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Monster Island ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- is peace what you really want?

By Queen Kong
Staff Island Writer

If you’ve spent a decent amount of time on Monster Island, you’ve surely come to notice that the misfits here were banished for good reason. The whole idea to escape the troubles and idiots of your world was to go to a place where there are no troubles and idiots at all.

Not to worry. If you can shake the animatronic hippos, banshees, bloodthirsty mermaids, centaurs, cyclopses, dinosaurs, dragons, dwarves, elves, ghosts, golems, gorgons, griffins, giant gorillas, hydras, imps, minotaurs, mothmen, ogres, pirates, sirens, skeletons . . . (This place isn’t called Monster Island for nothing!) . . . two-headed tigers, warlocks, wizards and the will-o’-the-wisps, then try to locate the Beach of Never-Ending Solitude.

At last, you’ll be able to enjoy what you came to the island for -- peace, quiet, seclusion and only a few sea monsters, hobgoblins, orcs, giant vultures, giant crabs, giant centipedes, giant scorpions, monster bees, selenites, harpies, the occasional serpent woman and the Kraken, which is a sea creature so it’s somewhat redundant to bring him up. Other than a few pests, you should find yourself all alone.

But you may discover that there’s really nothing to do on the Beach of Never-Ending Solitude when it comes down to it. All of that solitude starts to make you feel like you’re the trouble and the idiot you’ve been trying to escape all along, in which case, get off the Beach of Never-Ending Solitude.

Around the northern peninsula and back into what’s called Bug Bay, you’ll come across the Worm Holes. These holes, dug up by monster worms, are great places to climb into as a means to unlock your inner peace. Go on -- get in. They’re actually quite relaxing.

Once inside one of these cocoon-like encasements, you’ll be able to shut out everything. Shut out those thoughts that bring you down with your so-called “logic” and “rational reasoning.” These are the thoughts that make you say things like, “My life is so unfair,” “I have no friends” and “I’m so good-looking,” and with that you’re forced into coming up with lame rationalizations as to why you’re worse off than everyone and everything else.

And just as you shut all that out, a giant worm from inside your wormhole will inevitably attack you. Get out of there quick.

That’s when you’ll be confronted by the hordes and swarms and packs of bugs -- ants, aphids, bed bugs, bees, beetles, cockroaches, dragonflies, earwigs, fleas, flies, grasshoppers, leeches, mantises, mites, moths, mosquitos . . . (This place isn’t called Bug Bay for nothing!) . . . sandflies, spiders, termites and the occasional cloud of wasps.

Take cover in the nearby Troll Caves. If you make it there before your demise, you’ll forget all about your personal anxieties, so there’s no sense in finishing my previous explanation of how to shut out the thoughts that bring you down.

The trolls will first try to attack you. After they have their fun, they’ll want you out of their home, so they’ll take you to a boat headed back to the mainland.

They’ll most likely drag you to Viking Village, where you can catch a Viking boat over to a small floating landmass connection off Monster Island called Voodoo Island. Not to worry -- your layover will be brief (only a week or four). Use that time to get to know Tiki Town and Captain Cook’s Tiki Cove.

Although, if you’re a skeleton, avoid Captain Cook’s. The fact that they started serving skeletons last year doesn’t mean a thing. The Captain and company still hate skeletons because they can’t hold their liquor. According to one of the tiki gods that serves there, the drinks literally go right through skeletons and all over the floor, and the staff is tired of mopping up after them.

But do check out Tiki Town for the best in all your tiki needs, including voodoo dolls and pins, cursed wooden tikis, stone heads that put spells on you while you sleep and other cool stuff like that.

For entertainment, check out the death chant ceremonies you can join, exotic music performances that hypnotize you and the Polynesian Midnight Burlesque Show that pays homage to the early dooms of the island.

At last, a shrunken head dealer or some other kind of tradesman will come and get you. No, your boat for the mainland is still not ready, but all those monsters from Monster Island are after you.

Hope you can swim. All you have to do is get past the breaking waves and over to the other side of that invisible force field that keeps monsters trapped on Monster Island. Because the field is invisible, I can’t tell you where it is, so just keep swimming.

See your pursuers crashing into something there? That’s the field. You made it. And after a few days of swimming, you’ll be home again, back to everyday life (or afterlife) and all the stressful difficulties you thought you escaped.

But I promise, it won’t be long before you find yourself back on Monster Island in search of a place to help you forget all the troubles and idiots of your everyday world. And you can bet that all us misfit monsters will be here to welcome you with open arms . . . and claws and curses and fangs.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.