Pres. Drac officially changes spelling of monster world name

DOWNTOWN TRANSYLVEINYA -- Those of you weirdoes out there who read this online rag on a regular basis and those who live in the monster world might’ve noticed a change in the way the name of the region has been spelled as of late. That’s because President Count Dracula changed it from “Transyl-vein-ia” to “Transylveinya,” and now it's official, despite the fact that the bloodsucker despises change. He hates when policies change, when seasons change, when night changes to day. He won’t even change his underwear. “I like regularity, patterns, the status quo and consistency,” Dracula said. “When things change, I get annoyed, inconvenienced and, let's face it, pretty heated. Unless, of course, I’m the one doing the changing. Then I’m fine with change." Drac changed the name last night. From this point on, it'll be spelled the way he likes it, even in the upcoming travel guide to the monster universe, "Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons...And Mad Scientists, Too." Look for that guide in October wherever books are sold.

President Dracula continues to add controversial blood misters to patios, causes problem at Mad Science store

By The Angry Scientist
Staff Pissed-Off Writer
 
MAD SCIENCE DISTRICT -- New mandatory blood misters at the Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive have damaged at least 10 pallets of human eyeballs that were put outside the store to be sold starting Monday.

The outdoor display of merchandise was placed there as a promotion for mad scientists who pass by on their way to the Mad Science Convention down the street. The convention, which began on Monday and goes through Friday night, has brought in mad scientists from all over the world.

“It was a no-brainer to put brains and organs and eyeballs out front to lure in customers,” said Evil-More Merchandising Manager Maad Murchent. “We knew mad scientists would be in need of some last-minute things before their presentations at the convention. We wanted merchandise to jump out at them as they drove by. On Monday night, when the eyeballs stopped popping out at passersby, we knew something was up.”

Last week, Count Dracula took the presidential office of Transyl-vein-ia by storm, and his first piece of legislation was an order to install blood misters on patios and in other outdoor areas at Downtown Transyl-vein-ia establishments. The project was met with criticism, as the blood mist immediately began making a bloody mess, according to some.

The President hasn’t budged on his position. He’s extended the legislation to include the required installation of blood misters in the Mad Science District. Evil-More Shopping Mart was one of the first places to get the misters and already, the mad scientist supply shop is having trouble.

“We sold over 200 eyeballs on Monday alone,” Murchent said, “and they’ve all come back. Monsters are saying they put them in their creations, and then when the creations came to life, they were knocking over beaker tables and crashing into gurneys.”

Upon examination of the returned merchandise, Murchent and his RTV clerk determined that the blood mist in the air from the blood misters out in front of the store damaged the eyesight in the eyeballs.

“You see, they don’t see with stained lenses,” Murchent said. “And since these eyeballs don’t have eyelids out there on display, the blood couldn’t be wiped away and it bled into the eyes and permanently damaged them.”

Murchent said his RTV clerk had to send over 300 eyeballs back to the vendor. But they couldn’t even get credit. The vendor told them all sales were final and returned the eyeballs to the store.

“Not only did we incur that loss,” Murchent said, “but we also have customers vowing to never shop at our store again. We gave away tons of free stitches and electrical wire just for the inconvenience. Some scientists said they’d never buy non-organic eyeballs again. We don’t carry organic eyes, so that screws us. Now we’re thinking of looking into organic products, and we all know that stuff’s just a waste of money.”

Even with the loss, President Count Dracula won’t allow Evil-More to shut off their blood misters. The blood must go on, he told them.

So, beginning today, Evil-More Shopping Mart invites one and all to come see the giant sale on aisle 13: Eyeballs for half the price!

President Count Dracula signs order to install blood misters downtown

By Ouwt Onthetown

Staff Night Life Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Water misters are a great way to cool off during the hot, hot summer. Blood misters cool you off and quench your thirst as well.

President Count Dracula, who just took office on Monday, passed his first piece of legislation, ordering all downtown establishments with patios or other outdoor areas to install blood misters for patrons who are hot and a little thirsty, too.

“A misting system works on the simple principle of evaporative cooling and drinking,” the president said. “When the blood mist hits your skin, it feels good. But it also seeps into your pores, and your body essentially drinks it up for convenient replenishment. These days, convenience is king, and that’s why I want all places downtown with outdoor areas to have these systems. And also because I said so.”

The Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, the Downtown Train Station and the Transyl-vein-ia Grille are the first places to get the misters. They’ve been operational since yesterday morning. Critics say they’re making a bloody mess.

“Not only is the air all red,” said the Hunchback locked away in the Bell Tower in Bell Tower Plaza, “but it’s turning the buildings and park benches and vehicles all red. And all the monsters are red, too. I get the appeal, but I feel like it’s a little much.”

Dracula told similar naysayers and “NIMBYists” (monsters who claim “Not In My Backyard) at a protest outside of the Fright House last night that he’s going to keep all the misters right where they are.

“Because I said so,” he said.

And he’s going to continue his plan to finish what he started.

“Because I said so,” he added.

The Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, the Museum of Modern Hearts and the picnic grounds near the Mighty Vein River are the next places in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia to get the additions. Time will tell if these misters have long-term effects on its monster residents and visitors or the environment.

Transyl-vein-a elects president . . . kinda

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Transyl-vein-ia was supposed to elect a new president last Nov. 1, but monsters were too tired or distracted following Halloween festivities and forgot all about it, and as a result, Count Dracula, last night, appointed “his truly” to fill the spot. He's the new president.

Our former leader, the Electrified Creature, who got an extra year out of his presidency due to the failed election last year, told Jack-o’-Lantern Press that he was happy to give up his electric chair.

“I’m tired of being the ruler of the creep world,” the Electrified Creature said in statement he issued last night following the news of Drac’s self-appointed presidency. “If he thinks he can make Transyl-vein-ia a more terrifying place to live and scare, I wish him all the bad luck he can get.”

Transyl-vein-ians had a choice between five candidates on the ballot last year. Jason the slasher psycho, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman and Count Dracula all had strong platforms. A national poll in mid-October showed the slasher psycho was in the lead.

However, none of that matters now because, in the dead of the night, the world’s leading bloodsucker moved his coffin and a few dump trucks full of Carpathian Mountain dirt into the Fright House at 1666 Transyl-vein-ia Ave. in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and set up shop.

“I’m the new king,” he told reporters this morning before the sun came up. “Since we don’t have any real form of government here, no monster can really do anything about it. If they’d like, they can run for office in four years to change how things work around here. Until then, I call the shots around here. And right now a shot of B12 sounds mighty tasty.”

Dracula’s running mates had little to say on the matter. The Wolfman growled, Frankenstein’s Monster groaned, the Creature from the Black Lagoon gurgled and Jason the slasher psycho doesn’t even talk.

"The Frankenstein Monster calls me master, anyway," President Count Dracula said.

So that’s that. Hail to the new chief. Already, the new president is asleep on the job. Fright House officials suggest he’ll awake when the sun goes down this evening.

National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

Monster election pins to be sent back

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

With election night fast approaching on Nov. 1 and Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential race really heating up, there was no room for Transyl-vein-ia to get their election buttons wrong.

According to a Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts representative, who wishes to remain anonymous, staff received over 300,000 Election “Day” buttons, even though elections, for the past five centuries, have taken place during the night when most monsters, ghouls and goblins are more willing to go out and punch a ticket.

“When I find the monster that made this mistake, not only is this thing gonna be out of a job, it’s also gonna be forced to go work in the human sector,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hall of Districts Manager Afftur Yersoul. “Who in Hell -- or anywhere else in this region -- goes out to vote in the day?”

Yersoul launched an investigation to pin the thing down that did this. New buttons with the words "Election Night" have already been ordered. Only a dozen blue-collar workers were fired to pay for the expense.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will keep you up to date on the big button investigation and on the monster election as we approach the final weeks of the race.