Victim at large in Camp Blood

By Jack O. Lantern “Head’ Writer/Editor

CAMP BLOOD — It’s only the morning of Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees has already got a 17-year-old female victim at large, Camp Blood officials said in a report. 

According to Jason’s dead mother, the victim, Betsy Bottoms, showed up last night with a group of teenagers. They were drinking, making out and skinny-dipping in the lake, she said.

“Jason was able to pick off a few of the little brats late last night while they were swimming, but one of those little hussies got away,” Mrs. Voorhees told Jack-o’-Lantern Press in an interview from her grave. “She even managed to stab my little boy in the eye with a pair of hedge shears. His eye will grow back in a sequel, no doubt, but that’s not the point. Those things are sharp!”

Camp counselors said they expect a storm tonight, which should kick up right as it gets dark — in true Camp Blood/Friday the 13th fashion. They expect Jason to catch up with Ms. Bottoms before the night is through.

According to Mrs. Voorhees, Jason is currently lying dormant during the day, but he’ll be out soon to finish unsettled business with little ol’ Betsy, don’t you worry. 

Camp Blood officials ask that if you see Ms. Bottoms or have any tips, please contact the Friday the 13th Special Victims Stalker Unit at FT13SVSU@CampBlood.mon using the Monster World Wide Web. They also advise psycho slashers out there to make wise choices by picking off victims during jump scares. Helpless teens are less likely to stick you with garden tools if they don’t know where you’re coming from.

Jason Voorhees 195?-1957-1981-1982-1984 … 2019

Jason Voorhees, the machete-wielding slasher psycho, died early this morning before the sun came up at Camp Slasher Psycho in Bigfoot National Park. The cause of death was heart failure. The horror legend was last seen frolicking from one cabin to the next, picking off teen campers by the baker’s dozen just hours before his body was found lying over a young couple he’d happily mutilated. Services will be held tomorrow evening. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Chucky and several of Jason’s peers are said to be on hand to deliver moving eulogies. The ol’ boy will most likely be back sooner than later in a sequel or reboot at a theater near you.

Transyl-vein-a elects president . . . kinda

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

DOWNTOWN TRANSYL-VEIN-IA -- Transyl-vein-ia was supposed to elect a new president last Nov. 1, but monsters were too tired or distracted following Halloween festivities and forgot all about it, and as a result, Count Dracula, last night, appointed “his truly” to fill the spot. He's the new president.

Our former leader, the Electrified Creature, who got an extra year out of his presidency due to the failed election last year, told Jack-o’-Lantern Press that he was happy to give up his electric chair.

“I’m tired of being the ruler of the creep world,” the Electrified Creature said in statement he issued last night following the news of Drac’s self-appointed presidency. “If he thinks he can make Transyl-vein-ia a more terrifying place to live and scare, I wish him all the bad luck he can get.”

Transyl-vein-ians had a choice between five candidates on the ballot last year. Jason the slasher psycho, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman and Count Dracula all had strong platforms. A national poll in mid-October showed the slasher psycho was in the lead.

However, none of that matters now because, in the dead of the night, the world’s leading bloodsucker moved his coffin and a few dump trucks full of Carpathian Mountain dirt into the Fright House at 1666 Transyl-vein-ia Ave. in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and set up shop.

“I’m the new king,” he told reporters this morning before the sun came up. “Since we don’t have any real form of government here, no monster can really do anything about it. If they’d like, they can run for office in four years to change how things work around here. Until then, I call the shots around here. And right now a shot of B12 sounds mighty tasty.”

Dracula’s running mates had little to say on the matter. The Wolfman growled, Frankenstein’s Monster groaned, the Creature from the Black Lagoon gurgled and Jason the slasher psycho doesn’t even talk.

"The Frankenstein Monster calls me master, anyway," President Count Dracula said.

So that’s that. Hail to the new chief. Already, the new president is asleep on the job. Fright House officials suggest he’ll awake when the sun goes down this evening.

National poll: Jason leads way in presidential race

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

According to a national poll, Jason, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-carrying slasher psycho, is leading the way in Transyl-vein-ia’s Presidential Election.

He’s the favorite among millennials, and there are more young folks voting in this election than ever before.

“These kids just can’t relate to the classic monsters,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “And, frankly, I don’t blame them. It’s time we finally get a slasher psycho the Red House. We’re all sick of the classics.”

But it’s the older voters who couldn’t be more against Jason.

“He would not represent us well at all,” said The Mummy. “He doesn’t even talk. How’s he going to conduct business around the world if he doesn’t talk? At least Frankenstein’s Monster grunts.”

In the recent poll conducted by the Transyl-vein-ia Institute of Monsters, several voters were turned off by Count Dracula’s bloodsucking ways. The Sea Creature is a one-issue candidate, some said, and the Wolf Man is two-faced.

“The Wolf Man is too hot and cold,” said one voter who told reporters that her vote was going to Jason. “Jason doesn’t discriminate. He goes after men and women equally.”

Count Dracula said he truly believed the poll was rigged and that Jason’s campaign brought in those kids from Camp Crystal Lake and Camp Slasher Psycho to throw off the vote.

“These toddlers don’t even care about pol-‘It’-ics,” the vampire said. “They’re too busy running around the lake being reckless and selfish and -- they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote in a monster election. They’re not even monsters. If I get in, I’ll have them removed from Transyl-vein-ia and sent back to where they came from.”

The town hall debate that was scheduled this week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia where candidates could’ve talked about the results of the recent poll was postponed until next week due to the recent scandal involving Dracula on tape criticizing women for their ugly necks. The Count said he needed to address that matter first, which he called “wrong,” but told debate officials that he’d be available in a week’s time.

The other candidates agreed to postpone the debate and they all look forward to getting together then to discuss what’s right and wrong with the world and how they’re going to make it a badder place. We’ll have coverage following the event.