New cigar shop opens, Marshmallow Man lights up

A new cigar shop in Manhattan, NY, Smokey's Super Cigar Saloon, opened yesterday afternoon to large crowds, and New York celebrity Stay Puft Marshmallow Man stopped by for a few cigars of his own. He lit up a Macanudo Cru Royale, and instantly lit up on fire.

Burning marshmallow mud dumped all over the streets below, completely covering taxi cabs, buses and Jake's Famous Hot Dog Cart, which created a major traffic jam and angry would-be hot dog consumers. The entire city was locked up for hours.

“Now I have a Montecristo Robusto I can’t even smoke,” said Stay Puft, who’s pretty fired up over the whole situation. “Can’t a marshmallow man enjoy a good cigar without worrying about falling ash?”

Cigar shop owner, Smokey Venwenyergreen, said the marshmallow man isn’t the only one who’s heated.

“I understand Stay Puft is a beloved citizen in the city of New York, and I understand he probably doesn’t like the fact that he’s made out of marshmallow,” Venwenyergreen said, “but how about my grand opening the guy ruined? He caught fire right as we were bringing in the pizza pies from Larry’s Giant Pizza Pie Shop. Now you tell me who’s gonna want marshmallow calzones. And he’s fuming?”

Stay Puft offered to pay for the damages using his “Ghostbusters” royalties. Venwenyergreen accepted. The two sealed the deal with a good smoke.

-Jack O. Lantern

Haunted Mansion membership manager fired, ghost numbers way under 999

By The Lunchbox Ghost

Staff Out-To-Lunch Writer

For years, the Haunted Mansion has claimed to have 999 happy haunts. According to a recent audit, however, only 57 ghosts actually reside there.

The mansion’s membership manager, I.L. Beeseeinu, was fired yesterday for skewing numbers.

“He was a good guy,” said longtime mansion resident Madame Leota, the head in the crystal ball who’s been raising the dead since the mansion became haunted over four decades ago. “But I kinda figured he was fudging the numbers. The place has felt a lot quieter over the years and, I have to admit, it’s been tougher trying to awaken spirits wherever they dwell. There just aren’t that many around anymore.”

Auditors said they attribute the dwindling population to all the hitchhiking ghosts getting rides.

“People aren’t afraid of ghosts like they used to be,” said Al Wayscrutinizing, the lead auditor in the recent audit of the mansion. “They think the ghosts are cute and they actually want to take them home. So they pick ‘em up. And they’ve been picking ‘em up for years.”

Beeseeinu didn’t comment for this story because he hasn’t been seen since he was fired.

“He’s a ghost,” Leota said. “He hasn’t been seen because ghosts are invisible.”

Needless to say, the mansion is looking for a new membership manager who will not only post true membership numbers, but who will also boost membership. Those interested can apply at BringBackThe999.mon.

Monday Monster Match-Ups: 'Michael or Jason?'

 
Of these two soft-spoken gentlemen (heck, they don’t speak at all), who do you think would win in a fun game of “slice-and-dice,” The Knife or The Machete? Those who pick the winner of this match-up and give the best reason why your candidate would win in a fight will receive a free Suburb King cutlery set and an Outdoor Master garden and camp machete with sheath. Vote now!

Alien screams, wins $15 million jackpot

 

Al Lien, 56, is more than thrilled. In fact, he’s relieved. He just won the $15 million jackpot and says he’s getting his alien butt off the planet LV-426.5, which is basically a large hunk of the planet LV-426 that Ellen Ripley blew up many years ago, as depicted in the 1986 movie “Aliens.” Lien said life’s been tough on “this ghetto planet that doesn't have one In-N-Out Burger, just nasty humans in spacesuits." After collecting the first sum of his winning next month, he’ll be moving to California to enjoy the good life and plenty of Double-Doubles with animal-style fries.

Wicked Witch Convention all weekend; B.Y.O.S.

The annual Wicked Witch Convention, sponsored by the Tall Socks and Wicked Witch Apparel Co., is this weekend on Witch Mountain. Each night, wicked witches from all over the globe have been learning new potions, testing state-of-the-art plastic brooms that won't give splinters and tryong out experimental spells for a chance to win a large gold-plated cauldron. B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Spell) to participate in the "Best Spell from Hell" contest. Pick up all kinds of witch tricks and tools of the trade from over 50 trade booths. Delight in all kinds of toxic drinks and meals. Kids have gone missing, black cats are on the rise, and the cackling is never-ending. Visit WWC.mon for details. Or just use your crystal ball.

Letters from the Lab: 'Only One Way to Hang Toilet Paper'

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

Over or under? There really should be no debate when it comes to toilet paper orientation. Tonight, however, I will take any debate off the table for good.

For the last two months, I’ve been developing what I call the Toilet Paper Dispenser 2.0, and with this new invention, there will soon be only one way to hang your paper.

To begin with, toilet paper dispensers are valued items in every household or castlehold, used on a daily basis. They come in all shapes and sizes, in varieties of colors; they’re made from different materials -- plastics, metals, skeleton bones; some have lights and some have fancy crafts like live spiders or human eyeballs glued onto them -- for aesthetic purposes, of course.

Most monsters, however, don’t think about their toilet paper dispensers regularly. But I guarantee they’d think about them if they were missing. Aside from the toilet, this trusty piece of hardware is the most important item in a bathroom, and it brings us immense comfort and joy when used properly.

As a mad scientist -- The Mad Scientist, to put it quite bluntly -- I have a way of making things work. I call it my way. I use theories and processes that result in the most fantastic of all inventions. I’ve created Monsters, torture devices, evil potions with horrid side effects -- you name it. That brings me back to the Toilet Paper Dispenser 2.0, the ultimate in toilet paper technology, which I’ll unleash in my place of residence in just a short while.

But first, I must give you the origins story:

It all started one day in the castle after pricking my finger on a lab experiment-gone-totally-and-absurdly-wrong. I took off for the bathroom upstairs to obtain enough toilet paper to collect the drop of blood leaking from my finger, only to discover that the roll was installed incorrectly . . . AGAIN!

Mrs. Mad Scientist just can’t seem to put the roll on correctly. The paper should dispense over the roll, not under. It’s not like we have a cat that’ll unravel all the paper. If hotels make certain that the paper is dispensed over the roll, and if the Good Castlekeeping Institute instructs its students to do it over the roll, well then, we should be doing the same. But let’s go back to the source. Engineer-turned-writer Owen Williams reportedly found the 1891 patent for toilet paper, and the design shows the paper dispensing over the roll. So that’s how it should be.

And yet there are still a multitude of other reasons why the paper should dispense over the roll. For instance, the other day when I reached for a large gathering of soft, squishy toilet paper to stop the blood from dispensing from my finger, I pulled it and, BAM!, the paper broke off before I got the desired length. As you might’ve guessed, that drop of my blood dispensed and hit my beautiful floor. I was livid. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “To the lab I must go!”

I let the blood percolate out of my finger and onto the stone surfaces of my castle as I made my way from the lavatory to my laboratory. I cleared my lab tables of all experiments and got to work on something new . . . Something BIG!

At my drafting table before a giant, empty piece of blueprint paper, I drew up what I’d call the Toilet Paper 2.0. A few hours later, I was ready to run some tests.

I ran upstairs and grabbed our standard toilet paper dispenser. Back down in the lab, I attached two electrically charged alligator clips to the dispenser, and I touched the roller with my bare hand to see if it’d shoot the electrical current through my body. It did. When I got up off the ground, I modified the power source to produce double the electrical jolt.

Then I built a full-scale model bathroom in my lab and installed my fully functioning Toilet Paper 2.0. A month and a half later, it was ready for the final sequence of testing.

I’d installed a slightly modified Arduino microcontroller to the dispenser and mounted an onboard webcam, enhanced with facial-recognition software to identify my wife’s face. Next, I added a live video feed to my desk and I altered the equipment so that my wife’s lovely face, when in view as she reached down to switch the toilet paper, would trip on my video monitor and all circuits as well. If my calculations were correct (spoiler alert: they always are), Mrs. Mad Scientist would install the paper incorrectly, and the Toilet Paper 2.0 would send 50,000 complimentary volts through her body, thus forcing her to install the roll of paper correctly (over, not under) the next time she attempted the task.

I brought in a test robot with a replica of my wife’s face on its head, and the 2.0 passed with flying colors. I still have to rebuild the test robot, but that’s beside the point.

As I write this, I just finished the bathroom refab upstairs. It looks fabulous. I left only one sheet of paper on the toilet paper roll so my wife would be forced to change it out.

And now to see what she does . . .

Here in my lab I wait intently for my spouse to switch out the toilet paper roll. The excitement is so overwhelming I can’t stand it. I’ve only now just realized, with the webcam, I’ll have the joy of seeing her face as the 2.0 sends electricity through her body, lighting her up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

The live video feed was just tripped. There she is . . .

She’s so sweet, my wife. She just took off the old roll, tossed it onto the floor. So far so good. I should be seeing some sparks here pretty soon . . .

Oh no! She’s putting the roll on correctly. You’ve got to be kidding me. Wait . . .

Whew! She’s changing her mind. She’s flipping the roll. She’s putting it on incorrectly as planned . . .

Here we go . . .

ZAP! BOOM! TINK-TINK-TINK-TANK . . .

Test Results: Mrs. Mad Scientist blew into a million pieces.

Follow-Up Action: Build another wife, only this time build one that knows how to install toilet paper correctly. 

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Davy Crockett’s Ghost writes new tell-all book, claims he didn’t kill bear when he was only 3; it was Bigfoot

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Press recently sat down with Davy Crockett’s Ghost to discuss his new tell-all book, “It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’ Bigfoot.” Crockett’s Ghost claims Disney gave him a bad rap in the TV shows and their merchandise, and the frontier man’s new book will set the record straight.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: Mr. Crockett, who are you really?

Davy Crockett’s Ghost: I’m Davy Crockett, way more than just king of the wild frontier.

JLP: And this book you wrote will set the record straight?

DCG: Darned right it will. Let me get right to it -- I wasn’t born on just any mountaintop in Tennessee. I was born on a mountaintop with a coven of witches. And I didn’t kill a bear when I was only 3. You don’t get bears living next door to witches. You get Bigfoot. And I destroyed Bigfoot in a fistfight and brought his weak carcass back to my moms to use in their evil potions and stews.

JLP: So in the “Ballad of Davy Crockett,” made famous in the Disney TV show, the lyrics say you fought single-handed through the Injun war. What of that?

DCG: Not Indians. Native Americans, please. But that’s all lies. I never fought any Indians. I love Indians. I fought Martians. I was working in the woods, whittling away on this idea I had to develop a global computer network, when Martians came down and kept me from my breakthrough. I had to put down my motherboard and take down this threat that would’ve eventually destroyed the world. I fought single-handedly -- that was true. I mean, no one was gonna join in a fight against a Martian army back in those days. All you had were bows and arrows and some pretty lame firepower.

JLP: That’s fascinating.

DCG: Darned right it is. That’s why I wrote this book.

JLP: Tell me about going off to Congress.

DCG: There’s another misconception. I didn’t just fix up the government and laws like the song about me so inaccurately says. In 1826, when I took my seat in the 21st US Congress, I crushed politics. Look, I was a three-time Congressman. I was a friggin’ beast.

JLP: Without giving away the ending of your book, you didn’t actually die at the Alamo in the Texas Revolution on March 6, 1836, did you?

DCG: No, I didn’t, Jack. The Martians came back to get even with me. They abducted me and I had it out with them on their spaceship while traveling back to Mars. After showing those idiots who was boss and later fixing a few ridiculous features on the ship, which I documented and sent to NASA years later, basically giving them the tools they needed to get the Apollo program up and running . . . Wait, where was I?

JLP: You were talking about not dying in the Alamo and being taken to Mars instead.

DCG: Right. Except I took them to Mars. After killing them and fixing their ship, I decided I wanted to see what this planet Mars was all about. When I got there, I saw some things I could improve, so I stayed, made some huge enhancements to their second-world world, and I even picked up where I left off on my whole Internet project.

JLP: So you claim you invented the Internet, right?

DCG: I don’t claim I invented it. I invented it, Jack. I sent all the plans down to Earth for you guys to build and give me credit for -- maybe clear my name -- and you guys built it and passed it off as your own invention. Am I ticked? You’re darned right I’m ticked, Jack. That’s why I wrote this book.

JLP: So how’d you really die? Pardon me if you didn’t die. I only assume you died because you’re a ghost right now.

DCG: Yeah, I died, but I died by choice, Jack. I didn’t get killed, that’s for sure. Ain’t no one gonna get the best of me. I was sick of being a human and decided that being a ghost would be pretty tight because I could have all the time I needed to accomplish all the stuff I wanted to accomplish. You should see the new iOS I’m working on for smart phones right now. It’s siiiiick, straight up O.G. And I got news for you -- I am the original gangsta.

JLP: Well, it looks like we're out of time. One last thing -- I understand you’ll be doing readings from your book on this book tour. Where can we expect to see you?

DCG: Well, there aren’t many bookstores left in the world thanks to the Internet. You can ultimately thank me for that. You’re welcome. But since I’m a ghost, I can’t just show up anywhere anyways. Most people can’t see or hear me. So I’m gonna make some appearances at haunted houses, cursed taverns, evil castles and such to read from my book to those with ghost-hunting equipment -- that’s the only way people will be able to make contact. I’m hoping to get on a bunch of those ghost shows so I can clear my name once and for all.

JLP: Well, thanks, Mr. Crockett. It was a pleasure speaking with you.

DCG: I know.

Davy Crockett’s new book, “It Wasn’t a Bear; It Was Friggin’ Bigfoot,” is not available for purchase anywhere. The ghost is currently whittling away on an idea to telepathically transport the work into everyone’s head.

Today is first day of fall; blood drives seek donors to nourish Audrey II plants

By Jordy Verrill

Staff Horror-ticulture Writer

The Transyl-vein-ian Red Cross urges eligible and ineligible donors to begin fall on a positive and potentially life-giving note with a blood or body donation to one of the world’s many bloodthirsty Audrey II plants.

In late June, the Cross issued an urgent call for blood donors to address water shortage issues in many locales by landscaping with Audrey II plants for the simple reason that no watering is necessary, and that only a healthy supply of your own fresh blood would do.

“On the 23rd day of the month of September in an early year of a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence,” said Cross spokesperson Seymour Krelborn, who was the first to raise Audrey II plants. “We’re happy to announce that this deadly threat, the Audrey II plant, is still alive, still well and still threatening the existence of the human race. But that doesn’t mean this deadly threat isn’t also threatened. We must still give for the assurance of its survival.”

Thousands of people have answered the call to donate in recent weeks, but more donors are still needed. More. More! MORE!

“Someone once wrote that autumn is a time of deadening leaves and livening spirits,” said one Audrey II in a New York suburb. “Forget the leaves. How about deadening spirits? Look, if you wanna be profound, take a breath and look around -- a lot of folks deserve to die.”

Blood donors with all blood types, especially the human type, are urged to give. To encourage donations on this first day of fall, those who donate today will receive a free dental check-up at the dental offices of Orin Scrivello – D.D.S.

“I thrill when I drill a bicuspid,” Scrivello told reporters late last night while setting up his booth for a blood drive down on Skid Row. “It’s swell, though they tell me I’m maladjusted.”

Blood can be safely donated every 56 days, up to 24 times a year. Those who donated blood less than 56 days ago or more than 24 times this last year are encouraged to donate again anyway. You can additionally donate your whole person, which comes with a healthy supply of the red stuff.

“We’re mean green mothers from outer space,” Audrey II plants from all over the world are saying. “So feed us today -- and all night long -- at blood drives everywhere so we’ll grow up big and strong.”

For a list of blood drive locations, visit AudreyTwosWantYourBlood.mon.

Muppets' old neighborhood friends wish them 'good luck' tonight with new show

By The Puppet Master

Staff Cold & Fuzzy Things Writer

The Muppets, who are starring in an all-new TV series called “The Muppets,” which airs tonight on ABC, have deep roots in one of Transyl-vein-ia Hills’ more “plush” neighborhoods, Puppet Cove, and some of their old friends from back home are hoping they “break a frog leg.”

Monster puppets from Puppet Cove said they recall when the Muppets were just wee little ones and nobodies.

“I remember when they used to put on live shows down at the swamp,” said longtime Puppet Cove resident Sock Puppet. “We used to frognap Kermit from his lily pad and pretend we were gonna sell him to one of the witches up on Witch Mountain for a new stew. He’d get all bent out of shape . . . We had a good time.”

Muppet member Animal used to run with the werewolves back in those days.

“He never had to go through the whole transformation process,” said Teddy Morewolfthanbear, who still moonlights as a werewolf in Puppet Cove. “But, boy, did we have a good time on the prowl together. Animal and I used to love to rough up Kermit. Even then, Animal was fiddling around with the drums. Did you know I’m the one who got him started? Look where he is now.”

Friends and old neighbors wished the Muppets a ton of success with their new venture.

“I wanna give a big, snarling shout-out to Fozzy the Bear,” said Big Ugly Fluffy Foot who roams the south side of Puppet Cove. “I’m proud of who I am and to have been born and raised here in Puppet Cove. And maybe Fozzy would like to be called a bear these days, but he’ll always be another sasquatch to the rest of us. Deep down, he’s the same guy.”

Evidently, Miss Piggy also strayed from her birthright. She’s really an evil wild boar and her real name is Helga Swine.

“Helga started in with all that fancy pig stuff when she was first getting into show business,” said sister Olga. “She definitely wasn’t the prim and proper pig she makes herself out to be now.”

Yet the Muppets never forgot their roots. They just forgot to get show tickets for the old gang back home, according to Dr. Bunsen Cantaloupe (no relation to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets).

“I talked to Beaker over the weekend and wished him success on the new show,” Cantaloupe said. “Funny thing is he used to suffer and assist for me when he was just starting out in the suffering and assisting field. Anyway, he told me straight up that he forgot to get me a ticket for the show, and even though he had plenty of time to still get me a ticket, he just kept forgetting. I believe him.”

The Muppets weren’t available to comment for this story. They were too busy preparing for their new soon-to-be-a-hit show. But those still back in Puppet Cove are sure they’re not forgotten.

Several of them made numerous attempts to at least reach Kermit. Kermie sent word back saying he had too much on his lily pad to respond in frog, and directed those inquiring, especially Sock Puppet, to see his press agent, a witch who lives on Witch Mountain who would handle all such matters in a how-ya-like-me-now kind of fashion.

Monday Monster Match-Ups: 'Movie Villains'

Never mind the non-Horrorwood endings where the bad guys win and the monsters lose in these movies. Jack Burton and Nada are two of the cinema’s greatest villains. Audiences truly feared for the safety of the monsters in “Big Trouble in Little China” and “They Live.” So who do you pick as the better bad guy, Burton (played by Kurt Russell) or John Nada (played by Roddy Piper)?

Santa gives Mrs. Claus Halloween scare, gets frying pan and marinara over head

In preparation for the haunted reindeer barn walk-through that Santa Claus and some monsters on loan from Transyl-vein-ia put on for the elf staff during the Halloween season, the jolly old man strapped on a zombie reindeer mask with bloody fangs and popped out of the pantry to give Mrs. Claus a good scare. Mrs. Claus, in turn, popped Santa in the ear with a frying pan and then dumped a jar of marinara sauce all over his white head of hair. Just before going into a coma, Santa said the North Pole’s Halloween season festivities would be postponed about a week so he could take a short nap. Monsters were shipped back to Transyl-vein-ia until further notice.