Today is first day of fall; blood drives seek donors to nourish Audrey II plants

By Jordy Verrill

Staff Horror-ticulture Writer

The Transyl-vein-ian Red Cross urges eligible and ineligible donors to begin fall on a positive and potentially life-giving note with a blood or body donation to one of the world’s many bloodthirsty Audrey II plants.

In late June, the Cross issued an urgent call for blood donors to address water shortage issues in many locales by landscaping with Audrey II plants for the simple reason that no watering is necessary, and that only a healthy supply of your own fresh blood would do.

“On the 23rd day of the month of September in an early year of a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence,” said Cross spokesperson Seymour Krelborn, who was the first to raise Audrey II plants. “We’re happy to announce that this deadly threat, the Audrey II plant, is still alive, still well and still threatening the existence of the human race. But that doesn’t mean this deadly threat isn’t also threatened. We must still give for the assurance of its survival.”

Thousands of people have answered the call to donate in recent weeks, but more donors are still needed. More. More! MORE!

“Someone once wrote that autumn is a time of deadening leaves and livening spirits,” said one Audrey II in a New York suburb. “Forget the leaves. How about deadening spirits? Look, if you wanna be profound, take a breath and look around -- a lot of folks deserve to die.”

Blood donors with all blood types, especially the human type, are urged to give. To encourage donations on this first day of fall, those who donate today will receive a free dental check-up at the dental offices of Orin Scrivello – D.D.S.

“I thrill when I drill a bicuspid,” Scrivello told reporters late last night while setting up his booth for a blood drive down on Skid Row. “It’s swell, though they tell me I’m maladjusted.”

Blood can be safely donated every 56 days, up to 24 times a year. Those who donated blood less than 56 days ago or more than 24 times this last year are encouraged to donate again anyway. You can additionally donate your whole person, which comes with a healthy supply of the red stuff.

“We’re mean green mothers from outer space,” Audrey II plants from all over the world are saying. “So feed us today -- and all night long -- at blood drives everywhere so we’ll grow up big and strong.”

For a list of blood drive locations, visit AudreyTwosWantYourBlood.mon.