Thursday, November 26, 2015

Willie from 'Twilight Zone' to finally be inducted into Dummy Hall of Fame

Willie the dummy from “The Twilight Zone” is finally being recognized for his terror in dummydom and will be inducted into the Dummy Hall of Fame this evening. On May 4, 1962, he first made his appearance on “The Twilight Zone” and not only terrorized ventriloquist Jerry Etherson, but also audiences who tuned in. Networks airing “Twilight Zone” marathons today for Thanksgiving will likely show Willie's episode, “The Dummy,” in recognition of tonight’s honoree. Those to speak at the Hall of Fame event include Slappy from “Goosebumps,” dummy entertainers Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd and Goofy Goggles, whom Willie shared the screen with on TV. Willie Talk will also make a special guest appearance. Whether the dummies will bring their human counterparts tonight to pull their strings or not has yet to be announced.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Tom the Turkey Terror spotted going after turkey farmers

Turkey farmers all over America have been reporting Tom the Turkey Terror sightings all day. Throughout November, these farms have been making claims that they had nothing but the highest quality poultry. Now they have no poultry at all. Some now have birds that resemble the walking dead with wings. In several cases, the Terror allegedly orchestrated breakouts. In others, he zombified the turkeys and they fought back against farmers who were previously coming after them with hatchets. It seems Tom is making good on a promise he made earlier this month when reporters spoke with him about his plans for the season. He said, “I can’t wait to find someone who thinks he’s gonna put me on his Thanksgiving dish. I’m going after all those scavengers with turkey on the brain. Gonna be turkey on your face.” Many turkey farmers claimed they’d be re-branding their businesses since getting word about the sightings. One farmer, Willie Byrd, said he was going to phase out the whole “turkey dinner” thing and replace it with a business model that allows guests to view turkeys in their natural habitat. That way, he said, he doesn’t have to worry about getting a visit from Tom. If you see the Terror, please contact the Transyl-vein-ia Wild Bird Agency at 666-ReportBirds. They're keeping track of Tom's noble efforts.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Turkey talks Thanksgiving, Black Friday, accounting and more

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

As a jack-o’-lantern who’s managed to survive decades of Halloweens by avoiding and/or outsmarting tricksters with airborne pumpkins on their minds, who’s also successfully stayed away from the pie tin on Thanksgiving, I can relate with Tom Turkey (no relation to Tom the Turkey Terror, a turkey who goes after and eats those giving thanks via bird consumption). Tom Turkey, like me, has also managed to avoid his fate on his respective holiday.

The two of us -- pumpkin and turkey -- recently sat down at a nondescript coffee shop in a small town, which I’m unable to disclose due to reasons related to Tom’s safety at this time of year, and we discussed the holiday season, Tom’s secret for burning calories, Black Friday and more.

I arrived at the coffee shop 15 minutes early. Tom wasn’t there yet. I recognized faces from the crime pages of newspapers long ago-- the place is most likely the witness protection program’s dumping ground for criminal America. Many turkeys and even jack-o’-lanterns I hadn’t seen since the early 1900s were also living protected lives here.

Tom walked in six minutes before or scheduled interview. He was talking to himself.

“Heather, does my waddle look straight?” he said to no one I could make out.

Tom sat down, ordered a coffee and a parfait, and we got down to it.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press: I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying as you walked in. So who’s Heather?

Tom Turkey: She’s my right-hand feather, handles all my appearances after that near disaster on ‘The Emeril’ show. How was I supposed to know he had a new deep fryer that he wanted me to try?

JLP: Yikes. How old are you, Tom?

TT: Wait, what? Are you carding me? I’m legal. See? Here’s my I.D. (Goes into his feathers.) Here it is. I know it doesn’t look like me, but who takes a good picture at the DMV?

JLP: Where do you come from and where do you reside?

TT: I come from a nest in Iowa. Just a small town bird living in a lonely world. Right now I’m in hiding. If I tell your readers where, my goose is cooked, metaphorically speaking.

JLP: What do you do for a living?

TT: I’m a butcher. (Laughs.) Kidding. I’m really an accountant, but you’d be surprised how many people fall for that butcher line.

JLP: What is your biggest challenge this Thanksgiving season?

TT: (Breaks into song.) Stayin’ alive, ah-ha, ah-ha, stayin’ aliiiiive. Love that tune. Great for dancing, which is also a great way to burn off all those extra calories after Thanksgiving, by the way. Want to see some of my moves?

JLP: Sure. (Tom gets out of the booth, dances.) That’s great. So how have you been able to escape the turkey platter in the past?

TT: (Sits back down, tries to catch his breath.) That’s (takes breath) classified (takes another breath) information (takes a few more breaths). How do I know you aren’t an informant for a factory farm? Tell you this, though, they don’t call me The Gobbler for nothing.

JLP: How will you fend off the turkey carvers this year?

TT: I started a petition asking the President (of the United States) for a pardon. I offered to send the First Lady my Vegducken recipe, too. Maybe she’ll put in a good word.

JLP: Do you enjoy this time of year at all?

TT: Love those Black Friday sales. I just claw my way to the front of the line. Don’t even think about trying to beat me out of that 100-inch flat screen. Then it’s home to watch football, although, unless I put my glasses on, I keep thinking they’re passing Uncle Frank across the field. We lost him last year. Talk about a fowl.

JLP: What’s your favorite time of year -- if not this time of year -- and what do you do for fun/where do you go for fun?

TT: Easter. No one eats turkey for Easter so we can sit back and chug chocolate eggs with the bunny without having to keep a lookout for some maniac with a carving knife. Sometimes we play a little ‘Duck, Duck, Goose.’ Our favorite vacation spot is Turkey. We fit right in there.

JLP: What do you eat on Thanksgiving?

TT: I’m partial to a good Waldorf salad. Seriously, we always get a nice honey-baked ham. Might not be good for you, but we can’t be eating cousin Mable now, can we? Although, after she got sloshed last year, the thought did occur. For the vegetarians in the crowd, we make a nice Tofurky, but we don’t even want to pretend we’re cannibals. Heather says we have to call it ‘tofu with the flavors of fall’ to be PC. We wash it down with Wild Turkey -- no relation.

JLP: OK, so I’m gonna fire off some questions like James Lipton from ‘Inside the Actors Studio.’ Here we go. What’s your favorite color?

TT: Purple. Was that a trick question? Do you think all turkeys like the same color? That just ruffles my feathers.

JLP: What’s your favorite word?

TT: Dessert. In our language it means the carnage is over.

JLP: What’s your least favorite word?

TT: Two words -- meat thermometer. I also really detest the phrase ‘gobble gobble gobble.’ It’s a really demeaning stereotype. We’re strict followers of Miss Manners and Emily Post.

JLP: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

TT: Super Turkey. My feathers double as a cape and you don’t even want to be in my way if I leap at you from a tall building.

JLP: What profession would you not want to attempt?

TT: Let’s face it -- being a ballerina would be embarrassing. I really don’t have the body for it.

JLP: If Turkey Heaven exists, what would you like to hear the Turkey Gods say when you arrive at the Turkey Gates?

TT: That is such a common misperception. There is no such thing as Turkey Heaven. We go to the same one you do. Which means you might have some ‘splaining to do since y’all are responsible for us arriving there first.

JLP: I’m proud to say I’ve never had turkey. I stick to candle wax. So is there anything else you’d like to tell our readers?

TT: Don’t forget, when you cut into cousin Rufus, you say ‘Delicious,’ we say, ‘Call the undertaker.’ And please, they call it Stove Top Stuffing for a reason -- no need to be putting it up our you-know-whats.

JLP: Tom, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. I know you’re not really a monster, but, being a talking turkey, we figured the monster readership of the world would recognize you as a supernatural being of some sort. I find you quite fascinating.

TT: Thank you. And thanks for talking to me. Hey, this was good timing. I think Heather and I need to leave for an appearance on ‘Top Chef.’ (Talks to himself.) What’s that, Heather? (Listens.) You don’t think I should do that one either? (Looks back up.) In that case, we’ll waddle back to Twitter. If any of your readers want to chat, just follow @TheTomTurkey, but not with a carving knife. I’m always willing to send turkey scratch to most anyone interested in typing.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Jason to miss Friday the 13th due to pulled hamstring

Jason Voorhees of Camp Crystal Lake will sit out this Friday the 13th due to a pulled hamstring. The veteran slasher psycho got hurt in a death match against Michael Meyers on Halloween, where both were killed and both revitalized, but when Voorhees got back up yesterday, he got up in major pain. After an MRI late in the evening, reports concluded that the machete maniac would have to take it easy for the next seven to 10 days. Campers who have booked trips to Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend have been tweeting about their disappointment. Some have cancelled their visits, claiming it would be no fun without an evil force toting random death tools on their tails. Voorhees is more than bummed. He told reporters he'd most likely stay in bed and watch cartoons.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Marley's Ghost is getting the chains back together, and more

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Halloween is over and most of us monsters are headed back to our own dominion. But Marley’s Ghost and the other spirits of Christmas are getting the chains together for the upcoming howliday season.

Tom the Turkey Terror is excited for his big day approaching.

“I can’t wait to find someone who thinks he’s gonna put me on his Thanksgiving dish,” Tom said late last night as he was crossing over from the monster dominion into the human world. “I’m going after all those scavengers with turkey on the brain. Gonna be turkey on your face.”

And while Jack-o’-Lantern Press won’t be posting stories daily now that All Hallows’ Eve has passed, check in with us now and again for news on those of us, like Marley’s Ghost and Tom the Turkey Terror, who will be jumping into the human realm for some non-Halloween season fun.

Soon enough, kids will be setting out there Sant-o’-lanterns (jack-o’-lanterns with Santa hats) on Christmas Eve with hopes that Franken-Claws will pay them a visit to deliver some monstrous gifts. We’ll bring you up to date on the zombie apocalypse coming this New Year’s Eve. The Valentine’s Monster, who was kicked out of Halloween for being purple and pink, will take center stage in February.

Then there are the evil leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day and the Easter Beast who will try again this year to get those eggs before the kids do. Chupacabras will terrorize on Cinco de Mayo and creatures from the Twilight Zone will haunt the human world on the 4th of July.

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will continue to be your hub for monster news and entertainment, just not as often. We’ll be back on a daily basis on Aug. 1 for the Witching Hour.