Monday, September 30, 2019

Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast: ‘Halloween Treats’

Trick or treat, trick or treat, listen to something good to eat.

To hear the latest episode of the "Jack-o'-Lantern Press Podcast" on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

To hear it on Spotify, click HERE.

But get yourself some of your favorite delicious Halloween treats first!

Friday, September 27, 2019

Becca Banshee 1825-2019

Becca Banshee died in her mist early this morning. Becca, who, like all banshees, is known for traveling through mist, was, according to reports, traveling through too much of the stuff, she couldn’t see, she tripped, hit her head, was whaling (before and after the fall), and bystanders thought she was just whaling as banshees do, so they went on their way while yelling for her to shut the hell up — like usual — and, without any medical attention, she perished. Many of Becca’s banshee sisters showed up on the scene to see her spirit carried away. They wouldn’t stop whaling. Enough already.

Charlie Chupacabra 1995-2019

The G.O.A.T. of all goatsuckers is dead. Charlie Chupacabra died in an epic battle late last night at The Alamo. Bad guys had been picking off more inferior goatsuckers in the area for weeks, and just when we thought our chupacabra brethren had them outnumbered, a plot involving U.S. military and rounds and rounds of unnecessary fire power was hatched to hit us where it hurt — and boy did it hurt. They got Charlie in the process. More and more G.O.A.T.s are being bred every day. Sequels are in our future.

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Star Sightings: Freddy Krueger

TWO THREE, BETTER COUNT THOSE SHEEP — Razor-gloved slasher psycho Freddy Krueger was seen last night at a Downtown Transylveinya watering hole having a few drinks with some counting sheep. Sources said at one point in the evening, he had his arm around one of the wooly animals and was singing along with Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.”

Star Sightings: The Bride

SKSKSKSKSKSKSK — The Bride of Frankenstein was seen this morning in Beverly Hills, CA, getting a perm. Sources said that when a nearby hairdresser dropped her hydro flask, The Bride called her a VSCO girl, then began making the sound, “Sksksksksksk” and shouting “And I oop, and I oop.” Shortly after, The Bride went on a rampage about how the world needs to save the turtles by adopting metal straws.

Star Sightings: Bigfoot again

STILL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA — Bigfoot, who’s recently been spending time in Big Bear, was spotted today at Disneyland riding the Matterhorn Bobsleds. Several guests claimed he growled at the growling abominable snowman as his train passed the audio animatronic figure. The yeti (the real one, not the animatronic one) also got a little ticked at the end of the ride when his train splashed into the water and he got wet.

Friday, September 20, 2019

Still trying to storm Area 51?

For those still thinking of storming Area 51, here’s a past episode of the “Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast” on the subject:

Apple Podcast users click HERE.

Spotify users click HERE.

Then, when you get inside the gates, here’s another episode on alien encounters:

Apple Podcast users click HERE.

Spotify users click HERE.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

Book Excerpt: Want Ads

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to Or click HERE.

Looking for Spook to Haunt House with — Lonely, trapped in house on Stormy Night Place with plenty of unsuspecting trespassers on nightly basis. Looking for a fellow specter who likes to moan, wander halls, play dusty old pipe organ, move candelabras around and make scary noises with chains. Email Ms.LonelyButNoHeart@yaBOO.mon. 

For Sale — Glove with knives as fingernails. Used, but only in a few dreams. Needs sharpening. Very effective, especially on reckless teens with wild imaginations. Best offer. Will throw in red and green striped sweater if the offer’s right. Contact: RealNightmares.mon.

Got Web? — Looking for more spider-webbing in your home? House deteriorator with entire life experience (three years) spinning webs in structures to make rooms look more “not lived in.” Can create expanses across large staircases in open foyers, able to catch small flying insects and people, too. Will deteriorate houses in no time for fraction of cost you’d pay a big-time Darwin’s bark spider. Call Charlotte at 666-WEBB.

Project X House Needed — Looking to throw huge rager. Big old house desired, sort of a poster house for paper Halloween decorations. Preferably a house on hilltop against dependable full moon for witches to fly by throughout the night. Squeaking front door a must (for skeletons to open creepily and wave guests in). Trees out front are required for ghosts to swirl through. Multiple gables a plus for spooky owls, menacing crows and portentous ravens to perch atop. Rusty gate that black cats can dance across. Plenty of gravestones for spirits to peek-a-BOO! from. Should be in a peaceful neighborhood for this party to disrupt. Send house pics to NextX@HooHooHaHa.mon.

Werewolf Walker for Hire — Born and raised in Transylveinya Hills, now a student learning to haunt at Blue Moon HS in Werewolftown. Have plenty of experience with lycanthropes. It’s my major, too, and I’m half lyc. Looking for part-time work. Will walk your werewolves for nearly nothing. Just throw me a bone. Email WolfWalker@BlueMoonHS.mon.

Missing — Pet devil bat, 102 years old, around 250 pounds, red scales, bloodstained razor sharp teeth, mean as hell, goes by the name of Fluffy. Call Bill at 666-1313 with info. (Bill’s rented a booth in Conference Room C for the last five years, and he never stops asking guests if they’ve seen Fluffy, offering them over 300 pictures to show monsters what Fluffy looks [or looked] like.)

Book Excerpt: Hills Highlights

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to Or click HERE.

What’s in Transylveinya Hills, a monster’s suburban paradise? Plenty. Here are some highlights:

Pink Flamingo Garden Shop on Gnome Name Street — This is a great place to go to stalk up on the things you’ll need to build your own pieceful backyard paradise, with killer gnomes, killer flamingos and other lawn terrors that’ll tear you to pieces.

The Library of the Dead — The characters in these books jump off the page — literally in all of the literature here.

Transylveinya Hills Skulling Alley — Take a break. Roll some strikes and crack some heads where the lanes are long and the skulls are fresh.

The Firehouse — This is probably the best destination for recreation and relaxation. Take an elevator plunge down to the lava-flowing, flame-throwing caverns of the Fire Caves to spend some quality time with the Red Devil, and burn off some serious calories.

The Local Trash Services — Collect as much trash as you want to keep. But don’t be too greedy. Garbage is a terrible thing to waste.

Goblin Street bed-and-breakfasts — It’s a goblin’s job to wait on you here. He’ll wait on you to go to bed, and then he’ll call on you from his oak to come out and play.

Tree People Place — Unlike the goblins of Goblin Street, tree people won’t taunt you. They’ll just go into your room and take you. Their idea of playing is prickly, especially as they drag you up the trunks of their trees and through the branches.

Transylveinya Hills Drive-In — If you’re open to demonic domination, a night at the movies is always a top recreational activity. The demons up on that big screen are more than happy to come down and enter your vehicle … and your soul.

A haunted house in Bat Court — The bats are always swarming. Lightning never stops striking. Thunder keeps clapping. Rain pours forever. Skeletons greet you and take you into their dwelling so you can experience true haunted house living. And if you haven’t experienced haunted house living, take my word: it’s among the last things you’ll ever get locked into doing.

The Wreck Center on Wreck Center Circle — This is a great way to release stress. Bust down walls, crash through windows and smash up furniture. Using your own hands to break something down to the ground is a guaranteed way to make you feel productive.

Book Excerpt: Hunting Bigfoot

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to Or click HERE.

When in Bigfoot National Park, do as the Footers do: Get a picture of Bigfoot. Here’s what you’ll typically need before you go search for the ol’ boy:

Bigfoot Survival Guide: This is essential for your adventure. All proceeds go to me. I wrote it.

Camouflaged/dark clothing: It may cost more to get Dairy Queen camo, but it’s worth it. It comes with images of DQ Blizzard cups, which fits right in with all the empty DQ Blizzard cups strewn about the park. ‘Foot loves Blizzards.

War paint: This doesn’t work so well on you werewolves, fiery demons and blobs. Doesn’t stick.

Sleeping bags for your party: The Lodge offers a wide variety of beddings, including roll-up coffins for all you vampires out there.

GPS: Make sure you get a GPS unit — you don’t want to get lost in Bigfoot country. No one will be able to find you. That’s because GPS units don’t work out here.

Deer urine: This attracts Bigfoot. ‘Foot loves deer urine. Beef jerky will also do the trick and it doesn’t smell nearly as bad.

Rope: This is imperative. You just can’t gear up without a big spool of rope to hang around your belt.

Bear mace: This does nothing to Bigfoot, but there are plenty of bears in the park and you may come across one, or several. Bears want something to do, too, and the idea of you trying to defend yourself with a little can of smelly spray is always amusing to them before they rip your face off. Please, feed the bears.

Video recording device: You’ve come all this way to see Bigfoot. You’ll want something to document him. ‘Foot also wants something to do, and the idea of you trying to capture him on video is amusing to him before he rips your face off. ‘Foot can’t survive on DQ Blizzards and beef jerky alone.

Flare gun: Shoots fiery flares into the sky to signal distress. Note: Smokey the Bear uses the same small portals Bigfoot uses between the monster and the human worlds. He finds you shooting fiery flares in the forest, he’ll tear your face off. Cancel the flare gun.

Cell phone: If there’s danger approaching, use a cell phone. Cell service is terrible in the park, but you can still play video games on the phone as a distraction while the threat closes in on you.

Lighter: Good for building fires to keep warm and heat up your food. See comments on flare guns, in regard to fires in the park.

Flashlight: It gets dark in the park. You can make really very cool shadow animals on the trees with a really good, bright, expensive LED flashlight.

Tent: This is the last thing to pack, because you may not survive long enough to need it. If it’s too much to carry after you’ve loaded up with all the previous gear, consider leaving the tent behind at the Lodge. It’ll be safer there, anyway.

You may also want to carry along a net gun and stun gun, first aid kit, night vision goggles, fishing rods, tackle, water purification system, insect repellent, explosives and a watch. None of these things will keep you alive and they most likely won’t help you catch Bigfoot. But it all sounds really cool as the gear bangs together on your body and attracts bears while you navigate the woods.

Book Excerpt: REDRUM

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to Or click HERE.
By Red Rum
Staff Litter-ature Writer

While spending time in The Carpathian Mountains, make sure you visit Jack in the Haunted Hotel.

Who’s Jack?

If you’ve seen the 1980 film, “The Shining,” then you know that in the late 1970s, author Jack “Dullboy” Torrance went up to the Overbooked Hotel in the Colorado Rockies (in the human world), to write the great American novel. He never returned.

But now the wait is finally over. Jack is, in fact, back, and his book, “Dull Boy,” is done. You have the chance to see Jack in the rotting flesh and pick up what critics are calling a masterpiece.

“Just read the first line of the piece,” said Jack-o’-Lantern Press “things” reviewer Werewolf Howler, who howled nothing but praise for Dullboy’s work. “It opens with, ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.’ Is that not profound? The author then leads his readers through a series of work-and-play scenarios that seem never-ending, and then he drops a bomb during the final act. He writes, ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.’ Wow. I won’t tell you how it ends.”

Some, however, are taking an ax to the new novel.

“I haven’t read it yet,” said Internet blogger Hal Lorann. “But I’m pretty sure it’s over-hyped, pretentious and not nearly as good as the unknown obscure pieces you can read on my blog, ‘Lorann’s Can.’”

During a recent press conference, Dullboy told reporters he killed to get his book into readers’ hands.

“It was a mad passion with me,” he said. “I have to thank my late wife and son for all they gave to make this a reality. Now, finally, heeeeere’s ‘Dull Boy.’”

“Dull Boy” will only be available at the Redrum Room Bookstore in the Haunted Hotel. Those here on weekends can meet Dullboy. He’ll read aloud from his book and “chop it up” with guests from dusk to dawn Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays at the bookstore from now until forever.
Sno-Cats will be on hand to take guests up to the hotel. Two-way radios and the aforementioned Sno-Cats will be sabotaged to ensure that you stay there through the winter.

Friday, September 13, 2019

Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast: ‘Halloween Traditions’

Listen to this new episode of the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast about Halloween traditions. Then listen to it again and again and again … Make a tradition out of it.

To listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

For Spotify users, clock HERE.

Friday the 13th, full moon & more

It’s going to be quite the night!

It’s Friday the 13th …

A full moon is out …

There’s a lightning storm on its way with enough activity for Dr. Frankenstein to harness the power needed to bring his newest creation to life …

Teenagers opened several mysteriously-locked R.L. Stine “Goosebumps” books …

A member of the Worrell family just finished building a tree house in the same oak a long lost ancestor used to seal away a deadly troll …

A devil-red 1958 Plymouth Fury is rolling off the assembly line …

A somewhat absent-minded skip tracer and a drunkard drained a pool of lethal, genetically altered piranha into the river system of the world …

An unwise archeologist opened a mummy’s tomb …

Gremlins ate after midnight and were exposed to an ungodly amount of water …

Some imbecile said the words “Klaatu, barada, Nnnn … Necktie” over the Book of the Dead …

Two dimwits at the Uneeda Medical Supply building accidentally released a military-produced chemical called 2-4-5 Trioxin, which rose into the air, fell back to the earth, and is now seeping into the ground of the nearby cemetery …

A babysitter put the kids to bed, then invited her boyfriend over for some lessons in French …

On the roof of a nearby apartment building, the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper are opening a supernatural gate for Gozer-worshippers …

Ummmm …

Can someone say house party? It’s happening over at that home built on ancient burial grounds.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

The Transylveinya 13: Invs. Man

 The Invisible Man

He’s not in here or over there.
It’s clear he is not anywhere.
But I heard steps and floorboards creak,
I even thought I heard him speak.

What’s that rising in the air?
What’s that sitting on that chair?
What just moved that drinking glass?
I thought I felt a figure pass.

But he’s not here or over there.
It’s clear he is not anywhere.
You know, too, don’t you agree?
He’s with us now, we just can’t see.

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

The Transylveinya 13: The Witch

The Wicked Witch
(aka The Orange Witch)

The Wicked Witch, the Wicked Witch,
opens doors to Halloween.
But on this night she’ll make you twitch,
gross as melted mellowcreme.

She’s got a crooked nose and missing teeth,
a grimy shawl with bugs beneath.
Her skin is stale like moldy meat,
her breath smells worse than stinky feet.

With warts and moles
and ratty hair,
a wandering eye
that makes you stare.

She hides behind
her big spell books,
too proud to boast
her great bad looks.

Star Sightings: Bigfoot

CAUGHT IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA — Bigfoot was seen in Big Bear early this morning struttin’ his signature “Bigfoot Walk” (proving he’s the real deal), and sippin’ on a boba tea.

Friday, September 6, 2019

Book Excerpt: The Junkyard

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to Or click HERE.

For those of you giant killer insects out there looking for a big bite to eat, buzz on over to The Junkyard on Insect Centre Drive. The Junkyard is an eatery that offers up everything from tasty motorcycles and vans that roving gangs have stripped bare of parts, to mouthwatering sedans and trucks that are only recently no longer in operation.

The place is still somewhat new, but it’s already gaining a reputation as the best bite in town for ginormous bugs looking for a hearty breakfast, lunch or dinner. And do you hear that pulsating high-pitched screeching sound (the one those giant horrible ants make in the 1954 film “Them!”)? That means it’s time to eat!

“I have a huge appetite for Volkswagen Beetles,” said an enormous beetle who lives in town. “My wife never serves the stuff. She thinks it’s cannibalistic since we share the same name, but, you know, it’s totally different. That’s fine, though, because The Junkyard has the best Beetles I’ve ever tasted, most of them with less than 100,000 miles on them, so I’ll just keep going there when my appetite’s on the loose.”

The Junkyard also delivers its wrecks. They have a fleet of car carriers that can transport up to 10 vehicles at a time to your hive or nest, perfect for those of you lazy bugs with the biggest appetites.

Here are a few regular items on the menu:

Crashed-Up Hondas with Pasta
Freshly Beat Toyotas
Smoked Volvos

Engine-Fried Fords
Chevy Slammedwiches
Boneyardless Infinitys
*Not always available since these “boneyardless” vehicles are, as their name states, transient

Braised BMWs
Mashed-Up Mercedeses
Maseratis al Dented

Creamed Mazda Pie
Mini Coopers á la mode

To see The Junkyard’s daily fresh catches from Hell’s Highway (you might learn more about this stretch of road soon), check the Travel Tragedies section of the newspaper for newly crashed vehicles.

Book Excerpt: Death Potion No. 17

Below is an excerpt from Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s book, “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

To purchase the book, go to Or click HERE.

Dr. Henry Jekyll has a new and improved potion for you to try. Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is longer lasting than previous formulas and offers consumers a much bigger boost of rage and insanity.

Some of the world’s most intense monsters say No. 17 contains the right ingredients in the right proportion to deliver the big bad nasty “Mr. Hyde” demeanor that only potions from Dr. Jekyll’s lab can offer.

“Will girls be screaming?” said Dr. Jekyll. “Yes. Will kids be running? Yes. Will grown men cry? Absolutely. This new formula packs a serious wallop. The good news is Death Potion No. 17 offers no health benefits whatsoever. In fact, the combination of chemicals is likely to do more harm than good. I’m thrilled about that.”

Some of the unpleasant side effects of No. 17 include elevated heart rates, hypertension, anxiety, headaches and interrupted sleep patterns. A study by Transylveinya University suggests even more exciting outcomes — severe heart palpitations, strokes and an added bonus: permanent insanity.

“Whenever I’m feeling too cheerful or content,” Jekyll said, “I take a couple sips of No. 17, and it transforms me into a raging lunatic, pushing me to turn everything and everyone upside down. Try it for yourself. You’ll be the pain of the party in no time.”

Dr. Jekyll’s Death Potion No. 17 is now available on the quack market.

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Stage & Studios Desk: The Creature on the Conan show

In an interview with Conan the Barbarian last night on “Midnight with Barb,” the Creature from the Black Lagoon discussed his plans of playing the title role in the reboot of the popular “Wolf Man” film franchise.

Stage & Studios Desk: King Kong, Godzilla in the news

King Kong and Godzilla are working with TV writer, director and producer Amy Sherman-Palladino of the human world to reboot the comedy-drama series “The Gilmore Girls.”