The Transylveinya 13: The Witch

The Wicked Witch

(aka The Orange Witch)

The Wicked Witch, the Wicked Witch,

opens doors to Halloween.

But on this night she’ll make you twitch,

gross as melted mellowcreme.

She’s got a crooked nose and missing teeth,

a grimy shawl with bugs beneath.

Her skin is stale like moldy meat,

her breath smells worse than stinky feet.

With warts and moles

and ratty hair,

a wandering eye

that makes you stare.

She hides behind

her big spell books,

too proud to boast

her great bad looks.

Zombie claims vampire removed chain from her bicycle, vampire says he didn’t, zombie still insists

By Skip Ingskool

Staff No Head-ucation Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- At 9:17 p.m. last night near the bike racks at Carpathian Little Thrillers School of Pumping Hearts, a zombie second-grader accused a third-grade vampire of removing the chain from her Schwinn bicycle.

The vampire, a repeat student in Mrs. Snatchandswallow’s class for the disorderly, said he didn’t do it.

“Yes you did,” the zombie replied.

“No I didn’t,” the vampire insisted.

“Yes you did,” the zombie repeated.

“No I didn’t,” the vampire held firm.

The zombie said her bike was ruined and told school yard monitors that she tried to pedal the chain back on, but it didn’t work, and she feared she wouldn’t be able to get back to her grave after school.

“It’s all his fault,” the zombie told one yard monitor, who seemed to be consumed with trying to get two other students from getting along so well. “It’s his fault. It’s his fault. It’s his fault!”

“No it isn’t. No it isn’t. No it isn’t!” the vampire said.

“Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is!” the zombie continued.

The vampire and zombie pupils were still arguing at the bike racks when this story went to press. The sandwiches in their lunches were growing mold (even more mold than when the sandwiches were made). If the rising sun doesn’t destroy the monsters, their lunches will be having them for breakfast.

School officials applauded the students’ despicable behavior. The kids will likely receive an award.

Fresh kids brought into Trick-or-Treat Tract to train monsters for Halloween

By Cookie Cuttre

Staff ‘burbs Writer

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- A new batch of kids has been snatched up out of the human world and placed into the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds in Trick-or-Treat Tract for monster training. This pesky group of know-it-alls, according to sources, is said to be less frightened by scary things and more like what monsters can expect come Halloween night.

In years past, the breed of brat brought to the Tract have been frightened too easily, and monsters have gone into the human world with low expectations, thus they’ve had a difficult time making them scream, run and/or pee in their costumes.

“The trick-or-treaters we got this year are state-of-the-art tricksters, up to date on all the latest horror trends, and as mischievous and snarky as all get out,” said Jan, the gorgon at the front desk in the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds office. “Monsters are really gonna have to up their game, but they’ll be thankful when they get into the real human world and are able to handle this new generation of germs.”

The trick-or-treat trials began last night at the Wargrounds. Monsters definitely agree about this year’s youngsters. Most of the ghouls and goblins gave up after just two rounds of pestering by these little jerks, and about two-thirds of the monsters announced they wouldn’t be going into the human world for Halloween after all. They up and called it quits for good.

“These kids today are vicious,” said a boogeyman who wishes not to give his name. “They're not like they used to be. I’m better off staying on Monster Island with bloodthirsty mermaids, skeleton warriors, evil trolls and Kong himself.”

More trick-or-treaters are being dumped into the Tract this afternoon for tonight’s trials. See Jan at the Trick-or-Treat Wargrounds office for your chance to get a look at what you’re up against this Oct. 31.