‘Transylveinya Traveler’ is here!

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

TRANSYLVEINYA -- Finally, that trip you’ve been planning to the monster homeland can be attained by securing your very own copy of “Transylveinya Traveler: A Travel Guide for Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons … And Mad Scientists, Too.” 

Click HERE to purchase. And don’t forget to rate with five stars and add rave reviews with lots of big, fancy words.

Todd Durham, creator of “Hotel Transylvania,” calls the book “monsterlicious!”

Jack Perez, director of “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,” “Monster Island” and “Some Guy Who Kills People,” is equally excited.

“I’ve dealt with giant sharks, mutated insects and decapitation-happy psychopaths, but I didn’t know anything until I read this book,” he said. “It’s the ultimate tour of our monster-happy universe.”

Monsters everywhere received news of the book’s release early this morning, and left their tombs, haunted houses, castles, labs and swamps to grab a copy. They’ll soon be at your doorstep to haunt you until you get yours.

And while you wait for the book to arrive and for your mail carrier to navigate your deadly, piranha-infested moat out front, check out the Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast from the creators of the guide.

To listen on Apple Podcasts, click HERE.

Spotify users, direct your mice to THIS and click.

The Jack-o’-Lantern Press Podcast is also available on other platforms as well. Just search it. And prepare to be blown away because JackoLanternPress.com creators, Michael Picarella and Tom Picarella, really know what they’re doing.

Now why are you still reading this post? Go on over HERE and get the book already. Sheesh!

Drac turns a negative into some Rh-positive

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- Count Dracula can live forever, hypnotize his victims, change into a vampire bat, appear in the form of green mist or vanish at will. But around 11 p.m. last night, he struggled to put together a simple set of IKEA nesting tables for his new sitting room in the castle. After a slight mishap with a box cutter while opening the box, slicing open his upper right thigh, then somehow losing half the hardware for the tables, bending two of the legs and cracking one of the tempered glass tops, causing the loss of almost all the blood he’d consumed earlier in the evening, Drac ended up in the ER with 32 stiches and an I.V. While he was there, he wandered off in search of the bathroom, found the blood lab instead, and filled his tank with some fresh Rh-positive. The Count is now home and already planning a few more IKEA projects. He told reporters another trip to the ER wouldn’t be so bad, but actually quite refreshing.

Disposable coffin liners, Drac blood mugs and rocks are must-haves before leaving the Carpathian Mountains

By H. E. L. Hownd

Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- If you’re traveling to the Carpathian Mountains, hopefully you receive the gift of eternal life, some tips on how to romance and trance your victims, and maybe even a few goodies like disposable coffin liners, vampire capes, Dracula blood mugs, books on how to fly when in the form of a bat, blood energy drinks, fang extensions, the “Children of the Night” sound effects/sweet music CD and shirts that say things like, “I gave blood in the Carpathian Mountains and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” There’s nothing like Carpathian dirt to bring home with you. And you shouldn’t forget to get your very own Count Dracula action figure, a replica Drac medallion and some mini vials of blood.

It’s also worth your time to stop by The Count’s Coffin Shoppe in Carpathian Circle to pick out a personalized high-quality therapeutic coffin, lightweight for moving on and off coaches and ships.

The ultimate takeaway from the Carpathian Mountains, however, is a bag of rocks, gems and jewels in the mountains themselves.

“Since there’s no way in this frozen hell that you’ll ever get past the rock monsters up there,” said one of the locals, “there’s one other thing you can do to get the goods: Find the Traveling Jeweler.”

The legend of the Traveling Jeweler has been fading over the years. That’s because no one has ever seen him and most have stopped looking for him. But some say that if you find him, you’ll inherit his fortune. You simply have to give up your soul and trade your life for the Jeweler’s, to roam the snowy Carpathian Mountains forever and ever.

“Yeah, there’s a curse clause in the contract that the Jeweler will make you sign if you want the goods,” said longtime Carpathian Mountains resident Vampira. “You can’t leave the mountains, you’re at constant war with the elements and the rock monsters, and you can’t keep any company. You’re forced to be alone for eternity. I’ve been trying to find the guy for years and make the deal. Some vampires can dream, can’t they?”

The curse, as you’ve probably figured out, is a catch 22. Once you have the fortune, you can’t do anything with it because you’re nowhere near civilization to spend any of it. It’s said that the Jeweler was cursed because he horded his treasures and never shared it with anyone.

“What a fantastic curse,” said a Carpathian Mountains werewolf. “I wouldn’t even want to spend it. Can you imagine having all those gems and jewels to yourself? I’d roll around in it, sleep in it, bathe in it . . . I don’t even like to bathe. But the bottom line is: No one is ever going to find that Traveling Jeweler. We’re all cursed. And not in a good way.”

For those who want to try their luck anyway, go into the mountains and look for an old, hutched-over man dressed in steampunk fashion, sporting a walking stick, massive amounts of jewelry on his wrists and around his neck, an assortment of stuffed potato sacks tied to his body, and a cloth mask and goggles on his face. Be advised: He doesn’t move like an old man. Some think he’s either a super monster or a ghost because he scales the mountains in leaps and bounds. He’s quick and he’s quiet as can be.

Seriously, you’re never gonna find him. You’ll freeze to death in those mountains in a matter of hours. It’s best you just drop by the Carpathian Mountains Souvenir Store in Carpathian Circle and get yourself the next best thing to all those priceless rocks, gems and jewels, and that’s some authentic Carpathian Mountain Rock Candy, made with real melted glacier ice, sediment and rock monster saliva. The only curse you’ll receive is an empty wallet—that candy costs $10.27 a bag, and you’ll want at least three-dozen cases.

Zombie claims vampire removed chain from her bicycle, vampire says he didn’t, zombie still insists

By Skip Ingskool

Staff No Head-ucation Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- At 9:17 p.m. last night near the bike racks at Carpathian Little Thrillers School of Pumping Hearts, a zombie second-grader accused a third-grade vampire of removing the chain from her Schwinn bicycle.

The vampire, a repeat student in Mrs. Snatchandswallow’s class for the disorderly, said he didn’t do it.

“Yes you did,” the zombie replied.

“No I didn’t,” the vampire insisted.

“Yes you did,” the zombie repeated.

“No I didn’t,” the vampire held firm.

The zombie said her bike was ruined and told school yard monitors that she tried to pedal the chain back on, but it didn’t work, and she feared she wouldn’t be able to get back to her grave after school.

“It’s all his fault,” the zombie told one yard monitor, who seemed to be consumed with trying to get two other students from getting along so well. “It’s his fault. It’s his fault. It’s his fault!”

“No it isn’t. No it isn’t. No it isn’t!” the vampire said.

“Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is!” the zombie continued.

The vampire and zombie pupils were still arguing at the bike racks when this story went to press. The sandwiches in their lunches were growing mold (even more mold than when the sandwiches were made). If the rising sun doesn’t destroy the monsters, their lunches will be having them for breakfast.

School officials applauded the students’ despicable behavior. The kids will likely receive an award.

President Dracula giving blood substitute to others, keeping good stuff for himself

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- The media called out President Count Dracula last night for using a blood substitute in his law-ordered blood misters installed at establishments with patios and outdoor areas in several Transyl-vein-ia districts, but the vampire king said it was not true.

According to sources, Drac saved the all-natural blood for the monster mister system he put in over the weekend throughout his home district of the Carpathian Mountains.

“Not true,” the president said, and he left it at that.

When asked to explain the unnatural sweetness of the blood coming from misters in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, the Mad ScienceDistrict, Transyl-vein-ia Hills and Werewolftown, with claims that it has the consistency of corn syrup and, therefore, most likely made from corn syrup, Dracula had just a two-word response:

“Not true.”

The blood from the misters is sticky, though.

“Not true.”

But it is true, and sources have concluded that the blood in the new Carpathian Mountains misters, which is like a massive sprinkler system strategically placed at the highest peaks of the mountains, spraying blood all over the region, is the only real blood being used today.

“Not true.”

Experts have proof that vampires are getting nourishment from the misters in the Carpathian Mountains, and vampires in other districts are going up in flames during failed, tired attempts to make it back to their coffins before sunrise.

“Not true.”

Charcoaled vampire corpses are being found on the streets every day. Check the morgue.

“Not true.”

There’s also scientific confirmation that these vampires had fake blood in their blood stream, hence, leaving them without the sustenance they needed to make it back to their graves.

“Not true.”

Face it -- there’s real blood being used in the Carpathian Mountains and fake blood being used everywhere else.

“Not true.”

There’s even video showing real blood from actual living presences being pumped through the Carpathian Mountains misters and fake blood from thousands of tubes of fake blood bought at CVS being pushed through the misters in other districts.

“So not true.”

Look in the dumpsters -- you’ll see the empty tubes.

“It’s just not true.”

Did you know Dracula sucks his thumb? We have evidence: He’s doing it right now.

“Come on. Not true.”

And he really has no brides, even though he tells everyone he has three. Has anyone ever seen him with even one of these so-called brides?

“Again, not true.”

So, Dracula just wants everyone to believe that whatever he says is fact.

“Now that,” he said, “is true. So, so true.”

Blood thicker than wine, and tasty, too

By Count Chrislee

Contributor to the JLP

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS -- Good blood is difficult to come by these days, and with more and more of it being hosed out of blood misters due to President Count Dracula’s new law, finding any blood at all seems to be a miracle in and of itself.

But there’s a way to find the freshest, tastiest and thickest blood out there, and it requires a combination of seasonal knowledge, asking other vampires for advice and using your senses.

Below is a recipe to get you on the right track.

INGREDIENTS:

Good, healthy people in their “happy place” at the right time

DIRECTIONS:

Find a good, healthy person in the right state of mind. Using your vampire senses, you can do this. (Don’t frighten your victim. Fright in a human being causes a chemical imbalance in the blood that creates a bad aftertaste.

Get to know your victim on a friendly basis. (Don’t just put your victim in a trance and go for the jugular. You have to prep the blood.) Hang out with your victim in group settings, learn about your victim’s personality and character, and sing along to the same bad songs.

Get to know your victim’s family. If your victim is male, get in good with Mom. If your victim is female, get in good with Dad. And if your victim is neither male nor female, get in good its maker. (In the latter case, you might want to live a few more lifetimes to hone your vampire senses because your victim here is most likely a recreation from a corpse that, four out of five times, consists of old, bad blood, though that’s considered a delicacy among some vampires.)

Romance and woo your victim. Then put the individual under your spell. (Don’t use psycho eyes. Look at your victim with adoring eyes as you hypnotize. That strange feeling that comes over your victim in the initial stages of the trance is what humans call love, and they fall for it every time.)

Then dig in and repeat nightly until the so-called “well” is dry.

Transyl-vein-ia Hills community thrilled with Pres. Drac’s new blood misters law

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“It”-ical Writer

TRANSYL-VEIN-IA HILLS -- President Count Dracula has been making his way through all of Transyl-vein-ia, passing ordinances requiring establishments with patios or outdoor areas to install blood misters. Transyl-vein-ia Hills is the next district in line to get the law, following Downtown Transyl-vein-ia and the Mad Science District.

According to a poll, the residents here fully support the president.

“We love the idea and can’t wait to get the refreshing, replenishing blood misters spraying mists of blood all over all of us at our outdoor eateries and malls,” said Transyl-vein-ia Hills native Van Pyre. “It’s good for the environment, too. The blood used in the misters is all natural, organic and totally free of garlic.”

Those in favor of the blood misters were previously against a similar proposal to get the evaporative cooling and drinking systems in outdoor areas. Former President Electrified Creature, during his campaign, promised to bring blood misters to Transyl-vein-ia Hills as a ploy to get the vampire vote, and all of Transyl-vein-ia Hills dismissed it as a ridiculous law, claiming that “blood misters would make a mess of the town.”

“That was different,” Pyre said. “The Electrified Creature isn’t a vampire, so of course we didn’t agree with him.”

When asked if non-vampire residents feel the same way, Pyre said they do because even non-vampires in the area are under some vampire’s spell, so they have to take a vampire’s side.

Little do those like Pyre know, the blood misters law is really a carry-over piece of legislation from the Electrified Creature’s administration, and not the work of President Dracula.

“That can’t be true,” Pyre said. “If it were, we all wouldn’t be in favor of it. But we are in favor of it, so it must be Dracula’s doing.”

Media Night tips off Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s 2017 season

By Jack O. Lantern

‘Head’ Writer/Editor

WITCHES MEADOW -- It’s been a busy night as Jack-o’-Lantern Press journalists have been preparing for the 2017 season of monster news and entertainment. They’re also getting ready for a three-month journey through the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia as research for an upcoming guidebook of the land called “The Transyl-vein-ia Traveler: A Travel Guide For Monsters, Ghosts, Vampires, Aliens, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies, Demons And Mad Scientists, Too.”

Transyl-vein-ia’s Witches Meadow is “the” hot spot for the Witching Hour at midnight, and our reporters have been there to catch the action.

“We seen monster folks show’n’ up at the Black Cauldron Encampment as early as dawn (ribbit) on Saturday for a good spot ‘n the mud,” said a big ugly toad. “They don’t wanna miss (ribbit) the big gala. I’m glad I live ‘n the mud. I was born with a (ribbit) good seat fer the show. (ribbit)”

The “big gala” that the big ugly toad was referring to is, of course, the Witching Hour, where witches will cast their spell to open the portals for monsters to enter and cross into the human world during the Halloween season.

“We arrived this evening to a very packed Witches Meadow,” said reporter Vin “Skull” Eek. “We checked out the witches booths where you could pick up brooms, spells, tails of rats and other fun things like that, then we sat down with some of the sorceresses to perform spells tonight and talked about a variety of topics with them, including the Orange Witch and her first appearance in Witching Hour attire alongside her new fellow witch mates. It’s gonna be spellbinding.”

Earlier this month, the Orange Witch announced that she’d leave her little cauldron at the Hooked Nose Cackle Factory, where she did stand-up comedy for 100 years, to perform on a much bigger stage tonight for the Witching Hour. Critics called her the Kevin Durant of the witching game, joining a team of winners instead of building a success of her own at the Factory. Unfortunately (and not in a good way), attendance has been down at the Factory since the Blue Witch cast an evil spell on stage late last year and “bombed.”

“I’m ready to start a new chapter in my life,” the Orange Witch said regarding her move to center stage this evening. “I just want to do what I do best, and that’s cast wicked spells that are doom for the whole family.”

Much of the excitement this evening is for the new season of Jack-o’-Lantern Press material and the trip reporters will take to research the upcoming travel guide.

“We’re basically going to spend a week in each of the 13 Transyl-vein-ia districts up until Halloween,” Eek said, “speaking and howling with the locals, and pulling together all our research to create a guidebook for those who either want to travel to Transyl-vein-ia or those who live here but have never really stepped outside their castle or swamp or cave to see the world around them. Each week, Monday through Friday, we’ll report on some of what we discover. Some stuff will only be on the Jack-o’-Lantern Press blog, and some stuff will only appear in the new book. Some stuff will be in both publications. And some stuff we’ll just leave out.”

This first week will offer coverage from Witches Meadow, followed by stories from Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, the Mad Science District, Transyl-vein-ia Hills, Werewolftown, Bigfoot National Park, The Carpathian Mountains, Shadow City, Monster Island, the Black Lagoon, Valley of Doom, UFO Springs and finally Jack-o’-Lantern Park.

But in the meantime, everyone and everything is focused on the festivities to take place tonight. With everyone in bad spirits (and with bad spirits swirling all about), reporter ghouls and goblins with time (and victims) to kill took the opportunity to show off their goofy side at the Witches Unsocial Media Station set up in the Encampment.

With selfie sticks, cameras, some monster bobbleheads and a stack of oversized plastic emojis, the Jack-o’-Lantern Press zombie, alien and demon reporters had some fun by flooding unsocial media with cursed pictures and videos that, after seeing, will kill you seven days later. Like we said, they were showing off their goofy side.

So check out our blog Monday through Friday, August through Halloween, as we bring you monster news and entertainment from Transyl-vein-ia in preparation for Halloween 2017.

Happy Witching Hour!

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

The Carpathian Mountains ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- the gift of everlasting life

By Count Dracula
Staff Vampire Writer

You think you can come to the Carpathian Mountains and escape Castle Dracula? Welcome back. Don’t run away like that again.

If the Princess of Darkness was trying to lure you into spending your time here with her, offering up all that appealing danger, I can do much better.

That’s right, X, the “Mystery Writer to the JLP” who wrote that last travel piece about the gems and jewel caves, is really the Princess. And guess what? You’ll never get any of those gems and jewels so don’t even try. And by the way, the Princess is a vampire, too, and she enjoys the Vampire Feast in Carpathian Circle like the rest of us who live here do. And FYI: She can’t have garlic in her food either.

Now, take a seat. Take in the paintings on these castle walls of my ancestors. I remember when I first moved into this place. Bought it for nothing. It was all nice. Now look how amazing it is with all the aging and rotting and cobwebs.

Have a blood shooter. And then we’ll go see the Brides. They’re probably just hanging around. We can hang, too.

As it gets later, we’ll go over to the Vampire Catacombs. We can watch the moon set out front, and then we’ll head inside to relax a bit. It’s nice there. Sometimes, I go there and relax all morning. But we can walk around if you’d like.

Some of the passageways have really neat decorations, graves with paintings, statues and ornaments used to identify and immortalize the dead. Believe me, these buried souls are immortal. You’ll see at moonrise.

Take in the beauty. And be prepared to learn something while you’re in the catacombs. It’s always good to take away something new from your visit.

Maybe when the moon comes up, we’ll go over to the Frankenstein Ruins. You’ll want to bring a friend. That place is always more fun when you’re with someone else to share the experience with and to talk about what we’re seeing. The more friends you bring, the merrier we’ll all be.

We can go down into the basement where, some years back, Frankenstein Falls crashed down on the Frankenstein Monster and the Wolf-Man in full battle after the angry townspeople blew up the dam to add some more excitement to the fight. It’s all frozen down there now, but you can see where the Monster and the Wolf-Man were dug out for lab experiments. That lab up in the castle, by the way, is still functioning.

Look at the destruction Dr. Frankenstein is responsible for. A lot of his messes will be apparent in the lab. Really take a broad look at things, see the big picture, and then the small picture. Try to find out what the maker was thinking when he tried to take over the world. What was the maker trying to tell us?

For dinner, we’ll head over to the Haunted Hotel. We’ll have some blood shooters and just hang around a bit. The Brides will join us. Maybe we’ll go into Room No. 9. Lots of terror there. We can go in and hang around a bit, have some blood shooters.

Then we’ll go to the top tower in the hotel -- the Red Room. Every place needs a Red Room. The somber reds and blacks of the room are troubling. It’s great! Even with seven candles lit, the place is merely dim. The fire in the fireplace flickers, keeps the shadows and penumbra perpetually shifting and stirring. Those shadows are always taking steps toward those in the room, no matter where you sit. We’ll stay the day there.

Then we’ll head back to Castle Dracula. Don’t even think about trying to escape again. I’ve locked up all the trap doors this time. Just hang around a while, have some blood shooters . . . forever. Hey, you’d want company, too, if you’d been given the gift of everlasting life for as long as I’ve had it. And now . . . it's time to share that gift with you.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

The Carpathian Mountains ‘Hidden Harms’ -- between rocks and a hard place

By X
Mystery Writer to the JLP

If you’re in the Carpathian Mountains and inside Castle Dracula, the Count will bid you welcome. He’ll have you take a seat in the dining room, he’ll take your bags and he’ll leave you there so you can take in all the stupid paintings of his ancestry all over the walls.

Wait until he gets to the top of that ridiculous staircase and down the hall.

Then split for the west wall. Find the bottom right brick, count three bricks from the right, then six bricks from the bottom, and press that brick firmly. The wall will slide open. Slip through the opening.

Once you’re on the outside of the castle, say hallelujah, but not too loud or Drac will hear you. Cross through the Count’s backyard, a.k.a. Abominable Bend, home of the hairiest ape-like cryptids you’ll ever see (don’t stare -- they’re monsters, too), and head east toward the Valley of Rocks . . . where your real adventure will begin.

If you’ve made the trek all the way out to the Carpathian Mountains, the last thing you want to do is sit around Drac’s dingy castle the whole time. Believe me -- that’s all he’d have you do. Maybe you’d go to the Vampire Feast, which is a great festival down in Carpathian Circle . . . if you happen to be a vampire. But if you’re not a vampire like most of us monsters, it’s hard to enjoy all the vampire booths they have there and blood tasting and bat races. Plus, all the food there has no garlic. What good is that?

The Carpathian Mountains has much more to offer. To the east of Castle Dracula are some of the most amazing mountains you’ll ever see. And they’re filled with gems and jewels.

The path to get there, unfortunately, is a real drag. Once you get through the Valley of Rocks, you then have to go through Razor Rock Valley. FYI: That valley wasn’t named Razor Rock for nothing. The bodies impaled there are proof those things are as sharp as they look. And don’t be touching any of the rocks that move. These are the Blackrock Warders -- monsters. And they’re real nasty. If they ask to bat you around, it’s best to just let them. The situation only escalates if you don’t go with it.

You’ll soon discover that the weather in these parts is always overcast and cold. In other words it’s the perfect condition for learning some fun facts about rock monsters and mineral beasts. Soak it up because you’re in for a lot of that stuff.

Once you get past Razor Rock Valley, keep heading east up the giant mountains in front of you. This is Rock Monster Territory. You might bump into the Stone Protectors. Or rather they’ll bump into you. And they’ll be doing all the bumping. Just let them bump. The situation only escalates if you don’t go with it.

As you begin your climb, you’ll encounter all kinds of other rock creatures, like the Granite Watchmen, the Dolomite Behemoths, the Calcite Beholders, the Basalt Stalkers and the Boulderneers. Look at the beautiful rock formations as these beasts crash down upon you. Look quick. Then run . . . before they crash down upon you.

Go toward the Volcano in the Snow. There you’ll come across the deadly Lamproite Ladies. Don’t fall under their spell. And don’t tick ‘em off either. These ladies were formed from partially melted mantle, and forced to the surface in volcanic pipes. They’ve cooled off, to say the least. But, again, don’t get them heated.

If you make it past the Lamproites, you’re practically home free. Because just past the volcano are mountains filled with all those gems and jewels mentioned previously. See? Doesn’t this better than sitting around the Count’s castle, drinking blood shooters with him all day, hanging out (literally . . . with bats) in the cellar and trying to hold a conversation with his shallow Brides. Talk about dull. Of course, they think they know it all.

Anyway, back to the fun program I have laid out for you: Just past the Lamproite Ladies, you’ll see caves everywhere. Any of them have the goods. And the only reason they’re still filled with the goods is because no one or thing can usually get past all those rock monsters. So if you made it (and I have no secrets for you to make it), then lucky you.

However, don’t be throwing your hands up in celebration just yet. Around these parts, you have Colossus the Mighty to deal with. If you’ve ever been to the human world, you’ve probably heard of the San Andreas Fault. It’s a continental transform fault that extends about 800 miles through this horrible, really bright place called California. In the past -- when there’s been slippage between that fault -- it’s caused some of the nastiest earthquakes known to man (not to monster, though).  Well, through that fault is a portal to the home of Colossus the Mighty. And when Colossus gets upset, he shakes up that portal and, in turn, shakes up the San Andreas.

I’ll never forget that time in 1906 when the Mighty caught a group of jewel thieves going after the gems and jewels in the caves I was just telling you about. In that case, all anyone or anything can do is just go with it . . .

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

The Carpathian Mountains ‘Rot Spots’ -- you have no choice but to visit

By Count Dracula
Staff Vampire Writer

Maybe you didn’t want to visit the Carpathian Mountains. However, you have no choice. I’m Count Dracula and you’re under my spell.

These are the real Carpathian Mountains, not the ones in the human world. Our mountains make those sissy ones in the human world look like Pike’s Peak. And be prepared -- we have all kinds of fun things to do here in this dark, secluded, remote region.

Let’s begin with your itinerary. I have your entire trip planned out, but there’s no need to write it down -- you’ll obey.

Here’s how you’ll be getting to my castle: My carriage service, Carpathian Transpo and Bat-Guided Tours, will pick you up at the base of the mountains in the Village Ang Ree. Don’t let any of the angry villagers talk you out of taking the trip. No worries, my spell on you is strong.

Hop aboard one of my many luxurious, suspensionless carriages, and let my winged-friends take you through the twisting, turning, rocky, bumpy-as-all-get-out paths up into the Carpathian Mountains and Castle Dracula, probably the coolest place in the history of everything ever.

On your way up, you’ll pass through Blood Country. Maybe I’ll have your carriage stop off at the Blood Country Veinyard for a glass of our famous Pinot AB+.

With more than four main blood groups (including those of undocumented monsters) produced in a state-of-the-art blood-gathering facility, the Blood Country Veinyard offers the widest variety of premium blood.

Enjoy your plasma in the cellars with all the rats, possums and large bugs scurrying about from nook to cranny. Have lunch there. They serve everything from linguini with “red” sauce to Artie Choke heart salads (Artie gets his hearts from only the freshest corpses).

Once your back in the carriage and you’ve passed the Vampire Catacombs (we’ll see that later), you’re almost to my castle. If you missed out on souvenirs at the Village Ang Ree or the Blood Country Veinyard, you might want to signal your driver to stop off at Hounds of Hell Crossing.

That’s the last spot for goodies before my castle, and they have all kinds of Drac trinkets, shirts that read, “I Partied With Drac And I Got This Shirt, Too,” pentagram necklaces and Children of the Night CDs. You can even wrestle around with some of the canines that run rampant there.

Then get back in the carriage and . . . I almost forgot -- just before crossing the canyon, you may hear some loud, bass-heavy music coming from a citadel far off the trail. That’s the Palace of the Princess of Darkness. You can go there if you want. I won’t stop you. But make it snappy. And be warned, the Princess and I are not on speaking terms at the moment.

It’s a long story. She actually thinks Val Kilmer was the best Batman. I know -- really? Michael Keaton was much more popular and he was more swashbuckling. Look it up, you’ll see more people feel as I do.

Obviously, in real life, we all know who the real bat man is. I don’t even have to say it.

OK, it’s me.

But Michael Keaton is the next best one. Adam West was pretty darn good, too.

Anyway, try not to stay too long. You don't even want to get started with the Princess's Husbands. They think they know it all. But once you’re done at the Palace, get back in the carriage and you’re on your way to Castle Dracula, at last.

You’ll cross through the Courtyard of Wolves and into a wall of flame (it’s really a doorway) . . .

And then you’re here! It’s time to fang out with your pal Drac.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.