Evidence shows cottage in Carpathian Mountains may've belonged to Merlin

By Meddi Valtimes

Staff Dark Ages Writer

A cottage discovered in a valley of Transyl-vein-ia’s Carpathian Mountains is said to have once belonged to Merlin the Magician.

According to archeologists, the structure was mostly empty when they found it, but there were a few telling artifacts that could be traced back to the great sorcerer.

“We found a skull that we believe Merlin had on the right side of the second to top shelf of his aviation bookcase in the far left corner of the cottage,” said Cy Ence, one of the experts who made the recent discovery. “After careful examination of the indentations on the floor, we could see the make and model of the bookcase that rested there and we could see when it rested there, which was around the time Merlin was said to be in these parts. By going off the deeper divots in the floor on the left side, it suggests there were fewer books on the right side of the shelf -- and we know Merlin kept his bookshelves full and that he often had skulls in his dwellings for dramatic effect -- thus we believe he placed that skull on that shelf, but on the second to top shelf because Merlin had a lot of coffee table books that he picked up from the future that he couldn’t fit in the inside shelves of the case -- he never had any room on his coffee tables because he always had experiments and model kits on his coffee tables (he loved building classic muscle car models) -- so he would have had to put those coffee table books on top of the bookshelf, which means the skull was most likely on the second to top shelf.”

When asked how he knew the skull belonged to Merlin to begin with, Ence said he and his team found a crack in the forehead, which Merlin used to prefer in all his skulls for dramatic effect. According to Ence, the skull was also made from magic, which is where Merlin got his skulls.

“He didn’t like real skulls,” Ence said. “And the skull we found was not real. We also found owl droppings in the cottage, which we believe came from Merlin’s pet owl, Archimedes.”

When asked how they examined the droppings, Ence said, “Carefully.” He brought several droppings to a lab for extensive study. There are scientists in that lab who work specifically in poop, and they found that the droppings, even though they were ages old, had traces of tea in it.”

“We now know that Archimedes would regularly share tea with Merlin,” Ence said. “And the traces of tea we found in the owl droppings were of the Sleepy Time brand that Merlin allegedly got from the future and used to drink. Upon further investigation of the tea traces under our electron microscope, which is a microscope that has the ability to make images to a resolution of half the width of a hydrogen atom, we actually found remnants of chain from the water well out front, which we determined hasn’t had a chain on it since around the time Merlin was said to be in these parts, and we could establish that by examining the rust on the well’s wheel -- if you count the rust rings, you can figure out the exact last time the wheel turned, and that was around the time Merlin was said to be in these parts, and the last chain that would’ve been used at that time would’ve been the chain Merlin would’ve had and that’s the chain remnants we found in the traces of tea we discovered in the owl droppings, which means Merlin got water from the well, probably struggled with the chain, then made the tea that he and Archimedes drank, the owl went poop, the poop dropped to the cottage floor, it remained there for all these ages, we found it, we examined it, it’s what we think it is, and thus this was Merlin’s cottage and we know it is.”

Ence and his team also found a hole in the straw roof, which they feel is the one a young King Arthur made when he fell from a tree into the cottage where he first met Merlin. They also discovered shards of glass that they deemed to be test tube glass from experiments Merlin was conducting.

“I could tell you how we came to those conclusions as well,” Ence told reporters. “It won’t take that long and it's more proof that this was one of Merlin's cottages.”

Ence did go on, and he just kept going on and on, and we don’t have enough space to go on and on with him, but his report is available online and in the Mad Science District Museum if you’re into to self-inflicted pain.

Or you can just visit the cottage. You’ll find it in the Merlin Valley Woods. The cottage has a sign out front that reads, “Merlin the Magician,” and the address is 1963 Merlin Way, which is the address Merlin had at one time during his life.

The Carpathian Mountains ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- the gift of everlasting life

By Count Dracula
Staff Vampire Writer

You think you can come to the Carpathian Mountains and escape Castle Dracula? Welcome back. Don’t run away like that again.

If the Princess of Darkness was trying to lure you into spending your time here with her, offering up all that appealing danger, I can do much better.

That’s right, X, the “Mystery Writer to the JLP” who wrote that last travel piece about the gems and jewel caves, is really the Princess. And guess what? You’ll never get any of those gems and jewels so don’t even try. And by the way, the Princess is a vampire, too, and she enjoys the Vampire Feast in Carpathian Circle like the rest of us who live here do. And FYI: She can’t have garlic in her food either.

Now, take a seat. Take in the paintings on these castle walls of my ancestors. I remember when I first moved into this place. Bought it for nothing. It was all nice. Now look how amazing it is with all the aging and rotting and cobwebs.

Have a blood shooter. And then we’ll go see the Brides. They’re probably just hanging around. We can hang, too.

As it gets later, we’ll go over to the Vampire Catacombs. We can watch the moon set out front, and then we’ll head inside to relax a bit. It’s nice there. Sometimes, I go there and relax all morning. But we can walk around if you’d like.

Some of the passageways have really neat decorations, graves with paintings, statues and ornaments used to identify and immortalize the dead. Believe me, these buried souls are immortal. You’ll see at moonrise.

Take in the beauty. And be prepared to learn something while you’re in the catacombs. It’s always good to take away something new from your visit.

Maybe when the moon comes up, we’ll go over to the Frankenstein Ruins. You’ll want to bring a friend. That place is always more fun when you’re with someone else to share the experience with and to talk about what we’re seeing. The more friends you bring, the merrier we’ll all be.

We can go down into the basement where, some years back, Frankenstein Falls crashed down on the Frankenstein Monster and the Wolf-Man in full battle after the angry townspeople blew up the dam to add some more excitement to the fight. It’s all frozen down there now, but you can see where the Monster and the Wolf-Man were dug out for lab experiments. That lab up in the castle, by the way, is still functioning.

Look at the destruction Dr. Frankenstein is responsible for. A lot of his messes will be apparent in the lab. Really take a broad look at things, see the big picture, and then the small picture. Try to find out what the maker was thinking when he tried to take over the world. What was the maker trying to tell us?

For dinner, we’ll head over to the Haunted Hotel. We’ll have some blood shooters and just hang around a bit. The Brides will join us. Maybe we’ll go into Room No. 9. Lots of terror there. We can go in and hang around a bit, have some blood shooters.

Then we’ll go to the top tower in the hotel -- the Red Room. Every place needs a Red Room. The somber reds and blacks of the room are troubling. It’s great! Even with seven candles lit, the place is merely dim. The fire in the fireplace flickers, keeps the shadows and penumbra perpetually shifting and stirring. Those shadows are always taking steps toward those in the room, no matter where you sit. We’ll stay the day there.

Then we’ll head back to Castle Dracula. Don’t even think about trying to escape again. I’ve locked up all the trap doors this time. Just hang around a while, have some blood shooters . . . forever. Hey, you’d want company, too, if you’d been given the gift of everlasting life for as long as I’ve had it. And now . . . it's time to share that gift with you.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

The Carpathian Mountains ‘Hidden Harms’ -- between rocks and a hard place

By X
Mystery Writer to the JLP

If you’re in the Carpathian Mountains and inside Castle Dracula, the Count will bid you welcome. He’ll have you take a seat in the dining room, he’ll take your bags and he’ll leave you there so you can take in all the stupid paintings of his ancestry all over the walls.

Wait until he gets to the top of that ridiculous staircase and down the hall.

Then split for the west wall. Find the bottom right brick, count three bricks from the right, then six bricks from the bottom, and press that brick firmly. The wall will slide open. Slip through the opening.

Once you’re on the outside of the castle, say hallelujah, but not too loud or Drac will hear you. Cross through the Count’s backyard, a.k.a. Abominable Bend, home of the hairiest ape-like cryptids you’ll ever see (don’t stare -- they’re monsters, too), and head east toward the Valley of Rocks . . . where your real adventure will begin.

If you’ve made the trek all the way out to the Carpathian Mountains, the last thing you want to do is sit around Drac’s dingy castle the whole time. Believe me -- that’s all he’d have you do. Maybe you’d go to the Vampire Feast, which is a great festival down in Carpathian Circle . . . if you happen to be a vampire. But if you’re not a vampire like most of us monsters, it’s hard to enjoy all the vampire booths they have there and blood tasting and bat races. Plus, all the food there has no garlic. What good is that?

The Carpathian Mountains has much more to offer. To the east of Castle Dracula are some of the most amazing mountains you’ll ever see. And they’re filled with gems and jewels.

The path to get there, unfortunately, is a real drag. Once you get through the Valley of Rocks, you then have to go through Razor Rock Valley. FYI: That valley wasn’t named Razor Rock for nothing. The bodies impaled there are proof those things are as sharp as they look. And don’t be touching any of the rocks that move. These are the Blackrock Warders -- monsters. And they’re real nasty. If they ask to bat you around, it’s best to just let them. The situation only escalates if you don’t go with it.

You’ll soon discover that the weather in these parts is always overcast and cold. In other words it’s the perfect condition for learning some fun facts about rock monsters and mineral beasts. Soak it up because you’re in for a lot of that stuff.

Once you get past Razor Rock Valley, keep heading east up the giant mountains in front of you. This is Rock Monster Territory. You might bump into the Stone Protectors. Or rather they’ll bump into you. And they’ll be doing all the bumping. Just let them bump. The situation only escalates if you don’t go with it.

As you begin your climb, you’ll encounter all kinds of other rock creatures, like the Granite Watchmen, the Dolomite Behemoths, the Calcite Beholders, the Basalt Stalkers and the Boulderneers. Look at the beautiful rock formations as these beasts crash down upon you. Look quick. Then run . . . before they crash down upon you.

Go toward the Volcano in the Snow. There you’ll come across the deadly Lamproite Ladies. Don’t fall under their spell. And don’t tick ‘em off either. These ladies were formed from partially melted mantle, and forced to the surface in volcanic pipes. They’ve cooled off, to say the least. But, again, don’t get them heated.

If you make it past the Lamproites, you’re practically home free. Because just past the volcano are mountains filled with all those gems and jewels mentioned previously. See? Doesn’t this better than sitting around the Count’s castle, drinking blood shooters with him all day, hanging out (literally . . . with bats) in the cellar and trying to hold a conversation with his shallow Brides. Talk about dull. Of course, they think they know it all.

Anyway, back to the fun program I have laid out for you: Just past the Lamproite Ladies, you’ll see caves everywhere. Any of them have the goods. And the only reason they’re still filled with the goods is because no one or thing can usually get past all those rock monsters. So if you made it (and I have no secrets for you to make it), then lucky you.

However, don’t be throwing your hands up in celebration just yet. Around these parts, you have Colossus the Mighty to deal with. If you’ve ever been to the human world, you’ve probably heard of the San Andreas Fault. It’s a continental transform fault that extends about 800 miles through this horrible, really bright place called California. In the past -- when there’s been slippage between that fault -- it’s caused some of the nastiest earthquakes known to man (not to monster, though).  Well, through that fault is a portal to the home of Colossus the Mighty. And when Colossus gets upset, he shakes up that portal and, in turn, shakes up the San Andreas.

I’ll never forget that time in 1906 when the Mighty caught a group of jewel thieves going after the gems and jewels in the caves I was just telling you about. In that case, all anyone or anything can do is just go with it . . .

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

The Carpathian Mountains ‘Rot Spots’ -- you have no choice but to visit

By Count Dracula
Staff Vampire Writer

Maybe you didn’t want to visit the Carpathian Mountains. However, you have no choice. I’m Count Dracula and you’re under my spell.

These are the real Carpathian Mountains, not the ones in the human world. Our mountains make those sissy ones in the human world look like Pike’s Peak. And be prepared -- we have all kinds of fun things to do here in this dark, secluded, remote region.

Let’s begin with your itinerary. I have your entire trip planned out, but there’s no need to write it down -- you’ll obey.

Here’s how you’ll be getting to my castle: My carriage service, Carpathian Transpo and Bat-Guided Tours, will pick you up at the base of the mountains in the Village Ang Ree. Don’t let any of the angry villagers talk you out of taking the trip. No worries, my spell on you is strong.

Hop aboard one of my many luxurious, suspensionless carriages, and let my winged-friends take you through the twisting, turning, rocky, bumpy-as-all-get-out paths up into the Carpathian Mountains and Castle Dracula, probably the coolest place in the history of everything ever.

On your way up, you’ll pass through Blood Country. Maybe I’ll have your carriage stop off at the Blood Country Veinyard for a glass of our famous Pinot AB+.

With more than four main blood groups (including those of undocumented monsters) produced in a state-of-the-art blood-gathering facility, the Blood Country Veinyard offers the widest variety of premium blood.

Enjoy your plasma in the cellars with all the rats, possums and large bugs scurrying about from nook to cranny. Have lunch there. They serve everything from linguini with “red” sauce to Artie Choke heart salads (Artie gets his hearts from only the freshest corpses).

Once your back in the carriage and you’ve passed the Vampire Catacombs (we’ll see that later), you’re almost to my castle. If you missed out on souvenirs at the Village Ang Ree or the Blood Country Veinyard, you might want to signal your driver to stop off at Hounds of Hell Crossing.

That’s the last spot for goodies before my castle, and they have all kinds of Drac trinkets, shirts that read, “I Partied With Drac And I Got This Shirt, Too,” pentagram necklaces and Children of the Night CDs. You can even wrestle around with some of the canines that run rampant there.

Then get back in the carriage and . . . I almost forgot -- just before crossing the canyon, you may hear some loud, bass-heavy music coming from a citadel far off the trail. That’s the Palace of the Princess of Darkness. You can go there if you want. I won’t stop you. But make it snappy. And be warned, the Princess and I are not on speaking terms at the moment.

It’s a long story. She actually thinks Val Kilmer was the best Batman. I know -- really? Michael Keaton was much more popular and he was more swashbuckling. Look it up, you’ll see more people feel as I do.

Obviously, in real life, we all know who the real bat man is. I don’t even have to say it.

OK, it’s me.

But Michael Keaton is the next best one. Adam West was pretty darn good, too.

Anyway, try not to stay too long. You don't even want to get started with the Princess's Husbands. They think they know it all. But once you’re done at the Palace, get back in the carriage and you’re on your way to Castle Dracula, at last.

You’ll cross through the Courtyard of Wolves and into a wall of flame (it’s really a doorway) . . .

And then you’re here! It’s time to fang out with your pal Drac.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.