Bed sheet ghost likes red sheets most

By The Lunchbox Ghost

Staff Out-To-Lunch Writer

A bed sheet ghost out haunting last night in the Stench Quarter of the Black Lagoon was caught in a red sheet, not a white one, and the ghost said it was his right to choose.

 According to recent studies, more and more bed sheet ghosts are opting for alternatives these days.

“Some bed sheet ghosts are haunting in plaid sheets,” said a representative of the GWDT (Ghosts With Different Tastes) community. “And there’s nothing wrong with bed sheet ghosts of color. They scare with the best of them.”

The Red Sheet Ghost told reporters that he feels more like himself in red.

“White is so bland,” Red said. “I feel like I’m pretending to be something else when I’m scaring in white. The fact that some ghosts are criticizing me for being red is so dephantomizing.”

Red recently sat down with a white sheet ghost who represents Frankenstein's Monster’s presidential campaign and discussed his dilemma.

“Red is exactly the kind of individual Frankenstein’s Monster represents,” the campaign official said. “I talked with Red for quite some time and let him know that Frankenstein's Monster had his own issues with being different when he was first created. Angry mobs were always trying to corner him in old mills to burn him down, and they succeeded on a number of occasions, too. Trust me, he knows what it’s like to be different, and he’s ready to fight for those like Red.”

Red said he trusts the Monster and added that he will certainly give him his vote on Tues., Nov. 8 when monsters go to the polls to vote for Transyl-vein-ia president.

“I should be allowed the freedom to be who I am,” Red said. “So, please, stop throwing stuff at me. Underneath, we’re all the same. We’re all just nothing -- literally. But none of us are free until we’re all protected.”

Skeleton flips house, everything new and nice underneath

Home flippers buy brand new homes, fix them up so they look old and dilapidated, and then they pass them off as real haunted houses on Halloween night.

A Monster Island skeleton, who goes by the name of The Haunter, went out to the human world (in a small Southern California suburb) this Halloween season in August and did just that. And while the home he flipped looks old and rotting on top, underneath it’s all shiny and sanitary.

“Most home flippers are doing that these days,” said Ben Thardunthat, a bed sheet ghost that’s been flipping houses for over 20 years. “That’s because it’s hard to find old, scary, incredibly dangerous houses today. Most flippers take shortcuts because they feel no one’s really going to find out.”

And so, if you’re planning on spending some time in a haunted house this season, think about whether you really want to go into a place that’s not truly a hazard, that’s not falling apart, that’s not disgusting and not a place that’s going to endanger the lives of everyone in it. That’s the type of place that ghouls like The Haunter are trying to pass off as a “haunted.” Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

-Wicked Witch

Presidential debate gets ugly, not in good way

By Werewolf Blitzer

Staff Pol-“IT”-ical Writer

They all shook hands and/or claws before the debate last night, and then the five remaining candidates running for Transyl-vein-ia President got to it. Transyl-vein-ians were disgusted.

As in previous debates and speeches, Count Dracula brought up the need for more blood banks, Sea Creature has a plan to resolve the pollution shortage in local waters, the hockey mask-wearing slasher psycho Jason talked about ways to bring more reckless teens to the area by building additional campgrounds, Frankenstein’s Monster spoke of energy and the Wolf Man howled about meat.

“The way they were so cordial and civil with each other was shameful,” said The Barber, a razor blade-wielding political analyst for CMN (Cable Monster News). “They let each other speak without interruption, no one dodged any questions, there was no bickering, no fighting . . . There was no bloodshed whatsoever.”

At one point during the debate, Dracula made a weak impersonation of the Frankenstein Monster with some stereotypical grunting, and the Monster didn’t even leave his podium and use his brute strength to wrap the vampire over the head. He stuck to the issues instead.

“Is this what it’s come down to?” asked Transyl-vein-ia Hills resident Bed Sheet Ghost. “Is this the best our political system have to offer? After what I saw last night, I’m ashamed to be a Transyl-vein-ian.”

Maybe the most shocking moment came when the Wolf Man told Jason that he agreed with his slaying policies.

“I hold what you do in the highest regard,” the lycanthrope said on live TV. “Whereas you use a machete, I use my claws and teeth. We both get the job done in the end.”

The audience at the debate was full of dropped jaws.

“They both get the job done?” asked The Barber. “That’s not what you say when you’re vying for the most powerful position in Transyl-vein-ia. In Fact, you don’t say anything at all. You go through your podium the way a speeding big rig would go through a stopped sports car on the interstate, and you use the hockey mask you just shattered with your fangs as a toothpick after you devour the guy like he was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes. Come on!”

By the end of the evening, even the moderators had given up. They stopped asking questions and began ridiculing the candidates. Jason walked off stage for what critics are calling hurt feelings.

“President Electrified Creature may not be the best president Transyl-vein-ia has ever had,” Bed Sheet Ghost said, “but at least when he was ridiculed during his debates with Wicked Witch in the last election, he went over to the moderator and sent 100,000 volts through the poor fool’s face as a comeback. That’s the kind of leadership we need in this world. We don’t need sportsman-like conduct.”

Jack-o’-Lantern Press will host a town hall debate next week at the Ghoul School in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, and we’ll have coverage following the event. Campaign managers promised more action this time around. We’ll just have to see.

Letters from the Lab: The evil lair

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

There’s one thing you must have before you can ever be considered a true mad scientist these days. Any idea what that one thing might be?

The answer is an evil lair.

Maybe you didn’t know you needed a lair, and that’s what’s been holding you back all these years. Or maybe you did know you needed a lair but you just couldn’t afford such a place. One thing is certain: You have to have a place to facilitate your ideas, a place to create mad plots and a place to produce lethal experiments if you ever want world domination.

Today I’ll explain how you can create your very own simple evil lair at a low, low cost.

But before you buy even the first test tube or blinking light, there are a few things you must know about yourself.

Do you fit the part?

How do you know you’re fit to own your own evil lair? Well, for starters, do you have an evil laugh mastered? Go to the nearest mirror and check it out. Take a deep breath and start laughing as loud as you can. Keep it going for 10 to 100 seconds, and then slowly bring it down. Try it now. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! Keep practicing until you feel you sound evil and convincing. You can’t truly have an evil lair if you don’t have an evil laugh. So practice, practice, practice.

What are you wearing?

Are you really trying to pull off your evil schemes wearing a T-shirt and jeans, using a Bic pen to write notes and secret numbers? If you live in the Mad Science District, do yourself a favor and go down to Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive and pick up a smock, an industrial set of goggles and a pocket protector with custom pens that have your name and evil slogan printed on them. Doesn’t that feel better? Of course it does.

What’s next?

Now that you fit the part, you’re ready to find your space.

Location, location, location

Peace and quiet is critical when conducting evil experiments and carrying out mad plans, so you’ll want to find a location that’s not noisy and not crawling with meddling fools. You’ll also want a place that’s isolated so idiots who don’t know what you’re doing won’t ever find out what you’re doing. You don’t want anyone hearing the explosions, rocket launchers, flowing electricity and loud rumbling lab machinery in your place. A good location for any evil lair is underground.

If you live in the Mad Science District, then you’re in luck. With so many experiments gone wrong and other explosions in the area, there are literally hundreds of gargantuan craters in the ground to choose from. Pick one. It won’t cost you a dime because the mad scientist who previously owned the property was most likely blown sky high during his or her failed experiment. Construct your lair there and worry about any legal issues later. Heck, you may own the world by the time anyone tries to take legal action, so it doesn’t matter if you’re in the right or the wrong.

You got the power?

How are you going to power up all that equipment needed to take over the world? If you know anything about electricity, you’ll have no problems wiring the place. If you don’t possess such skills, you’ll want to get an electrician. Go to the Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop down on Jekyll Drive, throw a rock and you’ll hit some nut that knows a thing or two about how electricity works. This also shouldn’t cost much because even if the guy charges you for the work, you can just tell him you’ll gift him a small island somewhere in the Dead Sea after you take over the world. And don’t worry about making good on the promise. You’ll own the world, so you can do whatever you want.

Security and surveillance

Securing your new lair is not as challenging as you might think, but whether it is or not, you’ll need surveillance cameras all over the flippin’ place. How can you have an evil lair without a giant bank of surveillance monitors that you can watch at any given moment? It’s worth the price you’ll pay for it and worth all the headaches you’ll experience trying to sync all the clocks on the cameras.

You’ll also need computer systems with passcodes, encrypted lines to the Internet and plenty of power outlets for the plethora of monitors you’ll have around your desk. It just looks neat and complete with all that equipment. And while you’re at it, get yourself one of those full-feature ergonomic task chairs with ball-and-socket armrests, a wide range of adjustability and full 360-degree swivel capabilities.

Data collection

Get a super computer, which you can purchase for peanuts at mad scientist auctions held on weekends all over the Mad Science District. You’ll need a computer that can really collect all kinds of data. And you’ll need a system with embedded adaptive technology and the ability to selfheal and acclimate to any condition like end-of-the-world scenarios in the event someone pushes one of the self-destruct buttons on your lair. Allow time to program your system and integrate it with all of your other systems before you begin any plans to take over the world.

A ton of consoles with lights all over

You’ll need a ton of consoles with lights all over, which goes without saying. This will be your biggest cost.

Backup power

You’ll need a few power generators and a battery backup system. Evil-More sells a bunch of affordable units. Once you pull all that power from the power grid to power up your lair, the power company will likely shut you off until they figure out what’s going on. They’ll never actually come up with any answers because you’re smarter than they are and they’ll eventually turn your power back on, but you’ll still need an alternate power source with enough power to sustain all of your equipment for a few days while they investigate.

The power to get secrets

If you want power -- the real kind -- then you’re going to need an interrogation room, and you’ll need a good interrogation chair, too. How else do you think you’re going to feel powerful? And how else do you think you’re going to get secret codes? Don’t install anything that’s too comfortable. The room should be no warmer than freezing and the chair should be like those in the DMV so your victims’ experiences offer no comfort whatsoever.

You’ll probably want a couple jail cells, as well, in order to contain those victims who just aren’t cooperating with you. They can wait there for their doom while you try to think of a few new ways to get those codes you need. You can get cheap jail cells almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.

Survival gear, food, water and first aid kits -- just in case

This is all fine and dandy. But you can get rid of all that stuff once you get around to creating a first aid robot. Do yourself a favor and create a first aid robot. We all make mistakes and we all need first aid every now and then.

Huge rocket, a very loud countdown clock and a laser

You want everyone in the area to see the rocket coming out of the ground. So don’t waste your money on compact rockets, even if the label says it’s just as effective. You also want everyone to hear the countdown. So the louder it is, the more dramatic and tense it’ll be. And, of course, you’ll need a laser for added effect, which goes without saying.

Other additions

Here are a few other things you won’t need now, but you’ll want later: A war room, trap doors, roving security robots, a shark pool, booby traps, lava pits, self-destruct buttons behind glass with those little hammers to break the glass, secret tunnels (they don’t really have to go anywhere -- they’re just fun), rodents in cages, doomsday devices (more for those mad scientists with warehouse-scale lairs), oversized diagonally-aligned cargo elevators, excessively long corridors, revolving walls, cylindrical vats of viscous orange liquids (perfect for storing genetic mutants), severed body parts, armies of clones, automatic double doors that go swoosh, easily bypassed optical scanners, easily bypassed palm-print readers and other neat stuff I don’t have to tell you about, which you’ll find wandering the aisles of Evil-More.

A fully functioning evil lair

Once you’ve got your lair together and up and running, take a moment to enjoy the smell. There’s nothing like new-lair smell. Mmmmm. Now’s a good time to use that evil laugh you mastered: Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!

But wait, there’s one more thing you’re missing . . . Books. Lots and lots of books. Don’t worry -- you don’t have to read them. They’re more for show. And they intimidate any unwanted guests. So buy a bunch of them. You can get cheap books almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.  

There are, however, a few books you may just want to read. Check out the ones on the scientific method. You’ll probably want a brief understanding of that before conducting any big experiments. You might also want to check out a few books on world domination in the event you want to see how others have tried and failed to take over the world.

Whether you understand what you’ve read or not, just having the books will make you feel like a genius, which means you’re ready to start creating experiments and planning your world takeover.

Enjoy your new evil lair safely

It’s easy to want to go big with your evil plans right away when you’re sitting in your new evil lair. Go for it! Just be safe. But I don’t have to tell you that because “safety” isn’t your middle name.

Have fun anyway. If you have an open house, let me know. I look forward to checking out what your place looks like before you accidentally blow it to smithereens.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- to be done in downtime

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Jack-o’-Lantern Park is a great place to visit before Halloween, especially if you’re a pumpkin.

Pumpkins who’ve spent any time under the Pumpkin Patch at the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club know it’s a great place to lay low, enjoy various dishes of dirt and soak up all the water their roots can savor.

If you’re a scarecrow, however, the best place in Jack-o’-Lantern Park to go to get some rest before the big night of Oct. 31st is the Hay Fields right off Scarecrow Square.

“Everyone thinks being a scarecrow is easy,” said longtime Jack-o’-Lantern Park resident Claire Crowe. “But if you’re a working scarecrow, you know that standing on a stick in the middle of a field for months on end, scaring crows all day and all night, is exhausting. The best place to go to finally lay down and get that stiffness out of your back is the Hay Fields.”

According to the brochure, the Hay Fields is a wide-open hay meadow filled with temper-pedic straw and a full-service hay salon. Signature experiences include the three-hour (Bloody) Red Carpet-Ready treatment that offers a pumpkin juice massage, an ageless beauty haycial and a mani/pedi.

“This place was first recommended to me by a friend about 15 years ago after my first season scaring crows,” Crowe said. “I went in for shoulder and upper back tightness and found a great bargain through Groupon. I decided to get a neuromuscular massage and I had the greatest experience, thanks to Zivah. While other reviewers have noted that the Hay Fields feel more like worker fields, I couldn’t disagree more. The quality of my massage and the ambience of these particular fields were amazing in my opinion. Before every Halloween season, I look forward to my appointments with Zivah, and I always look forward to my follow-ups after Halloween night. Zivah and the Hay Fields are the best.”

But if you’re not a pumpkin or a scarecrow, and you’re looking for a place to kick back and relax, check out Pumpkintime at the top of Pumpkin Peak. Sponsored by Jack-o’-Lantern Press and located in the courtyard of the JLP Pumpkinheadquarters building, Pumpkintime is an outdoor amphitheater that hosts live ghost storytelling. It’s a great experience where you can be a part of the visceral dialogue between teller and audience.

“Our mission is to promote the art and craft of ghosts telling ghost stories through jack-o’-lantern vessels, and to celebrate and honor the commonality and diversity of the universal ghost experience,” said Pumpkintime founder I.M. Skairey. “We also work with young spirits and pumpkinhead-ucators to build community through ghost story workshops, performances and innovative resources.”

Those who attend Pumpkintime are always moved.

“It takes guts to go up in front of a live audience -- and even a dead audience -- and tell your personal ghost stories,” said Paul-o’-Lantern, who has been to more than a dozen Pumpkintime shows in the last year. “Those storytellers that have guts lay those bloody, gruesome innards all over the stage to bring their stories to gory life. And it’s awesome. The ghosts that aren’t able to expose their guts are still cool, though.”

Every Oct. 30th, the Great Pumpkin -- a regular storyteller at Pumpkintime -- takes the stage, following the Grover’s Mill Martians, to retell the tale of the time he stood up a group of trick-or-treaters who waited for him in the most sincere pumpkin patch around.

“The word ‘legendary’ is sometimes misused at Pumpkintime,” said the Carver from Carver’s Corner. “I’ve seen a lot of storytellers grace that stage in my time, and they’re all really top-notch, but the Great Pumpkin’s story about standing up those kids is, in every sense of the word, legendary.”

From the guy who curses the pumpkins that he carves and shares with guests, that’s saying a lot.

Still, there’s more to see in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. There’s the Deadly Petting Zoo (please feed the “animals”), there’s Pumpkin Launcher Landing (this is best after Halloween when pumpkins are gonna die anyway -- launching each other to their smashing deaths is a quick way to get it over with), there’s Lookout Point on Pumpkin Peak (for those who have to romance their victims instead of chase them down, Lookout Point provides romantic locales with excellent views of Transyl-vein-ia) and there’s Lantern Lane where you can experience the Festival of the Lantern Lights (jack-o’-lanterns from all over the region come to the fest wearing their best carved faces and illuminated by the brightest candles in their heads for an extraordinary night of jack-o’-lantern light and magic).

Get to where you need to go in Jack-o’-Lantern Park by way of the Tractor Ride Transit, the district’s premier transportation system. Those who use it more than three times in a week will earn ride tickets on the Transyl-vein-ia Express. And if you’re traveling to other Transyl-vein-ia districts, the Tractor Ride Transit makes stops at the Transyl-vein-ia Express Train Station.

The Transyl-vein-ia Express is a great way to travel Transyl-vein-ia, especially if you’re a monster. Fortunately, it’s not a great way to escape, especially if you’re human. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Hidden Harms’ -- behind the screams

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

Like Halloween itself, Jack-o’-Lantern Park holds a magic and a mystery that brings out the child in all of us. Our curiosity draws us in, our fears heighten our experience, and of course, we’re all after a good dose of monster mayhem.

Pay a visit to Jack-o’-Lantern Park and you’ll see. But it takes work to be voted the No. 1 Place Most Resembling Halloween With Its Curiosity, Fear and Monster Mayhem Factors for 100 years in a row, and the folks responsible for receiving the annual honor take us behind the screams so we can see how they do it.

“I’ve done my scream runs every night for 100 years straight,” said the Headless Horseman, who resides in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. “I missed only one night of all 100 years, and there was no way I could go out. I had the worst flu anyone has ever had. My fever was 475 -- and that was without the scorching pumpkin head. I had muscle aches, a headache to end all headaches and fatigue that wouldn’t let up. I couldn’t hold my food down either. I was bent over the creek all night spitting up pumpkin seeds like you wouldn’t believe, so there was no way I was gonna jump on a horse and ride around Headless Horseman Pass, screaming and laughing, and I certainly wasn’t going to cross the bridge into the human world of Sleepy Hollow to find lone riders to chase. How could I throw my pumpkin head at folks if I couldn’t even hold the thing?”

When asked why his scream runs are so important, Headless said it’s not only key to the atmosphere of Jack-o’-Lantern Park, it’s also the main reason Jack-o’-Lantern Park is the top Halloween destination in all of Transyl-vein-ia.

“Even if you can’t hear my iconic laugh,” Headless said, “which took me decades to perfect, there’s a type of aftertaste in the air from that laugh that drifts throughout the land. It’s not heard. It’s felt. And I’m not gonna lie -- it’s true magic. It’s what everyone claims they feel when they come here during Halloween season. I do that to our visitors. You’re welcome.”

However, the candy corners in the Candy Corn Fields claim they’re the ones responsible for the big draw of creatures in October.

“It’s the magic of mellowcreme that most monsters merrily must put in their mouths to make them feel mischievous and marvelous on Halloween,” said longtime candy corner, Candee Corn. “Count Dracula comes out every couple days during the season to collect candy for his casket and his constant need for candy consumption. He loves the little lovely pumpkin shapes, and loves the flavor lots more. Frankenstein’s Monster eats so many of our candy snacks that he gets sick to his stomach and loses his stiches. He can’t get enough. And then there are the werewolves that come way out here from Werewolf Woods or wherever. They don’t even worry if the candy corn is pumpkin-shaped or the traditional candy corn cones. They just gobble it up.”

Ask the Monsters Ball DJ and he’ll tell you monsters want music and dance, not candy or the Headless Horseman’s laugh.

“Candy’s nice and I’m all for the crazy horse rider, but that’s not anything compared to what I do here at the Ball,” DJ said. “And monsters don’t wanna run around terrorizing, moaning and groaning all the time either. We monsters wanna get our funk on, and I provide the venue and the environment to give them the release they need after chasing babysitters and reckless teenagers all night.”

Asked if the “Monster Mash” is still a hot track these days, DJ told us it is, but only in October.

“You can get away with playing it in during Halloween season, and ghosts and ghoulies will totally dig it,” he said. “But you play that record any other time of the year, and you’ll get thrown to the bird people in Raven Patch.”

Raven Patch is an underrated spot in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. Even the bird people there don’t think it’s what brings visitors to the area. But they welcome anyone to come anyway.

“We raven-humanoids invite you to the Worm Fields for our famous jumbo worms,” said Big Bird Man in a recent interview. “And please, don’t use my full name for this article. I don’t need any of those stupid Sesame Street jokes. Just call me Jim. Anyway, the price for our box of jumbo worms and a soft drink has remained set at $1.50 since the mid-80s, and we sell more than four times the number of jumbo worms sold at all the combined death matches at the Coliseum in Monster Island’s Gorgon Gorge every single year.”  

According to Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s fact-checking service, Big Bird Man’s numbers aren’t even close to accurate. The Coliseum’s sales numbers for jumbo worms is through the roof, whereas those in Raven Patch are still on the floor, which goes to show that you just can’t trust a raven-humanoid named after a big, yellow, fluffy puppet.

In all truth, Jack-o’-Lantern Park isn’t even that busy during the Halloween season. According to the Jack-o’-Lantern Park Chamber of Commerce, most monsters are in the human world for the Halloween season by October 1st. So the Park is dead, and not in a good way. About the only place hopping in Jack-o’-Lantern Park is the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club underneath the Pumpkin Patch, and most of the haunters going there are all retired.

If you didn’t know already, we jack-o’-lanterns are not the pumpkins themselves. We’re ghosts. We’re confined to one pumpkin a year and most of us suffer our deaths every November (either smashed after Halloween night, made into pies for Thanksgiving or we die of natural causes), but we’re reincarnated into a new, growing pumpkin on the day after our demise. In the early stages of our lives, we use our roots to go deep into the ground and pull nutrients away from other gourdes so we grow into bigger and better terrors. Though there are a few of us who lay on our sides so we grow deformed. The thought is that those who are deformed won’t get picked for Halloween or Thanksgiving, which keeps us from having to go through the carving process, the pumpkin pie process or the reincarnation process. I’m not gonna lie -- the reincarnation process sucks.

At nighttime in the patch, we float around and scare those wandering through the rows of pumpkins, but we can’t stray far from our pumpkin vessels and we feel everything our pumpkin vessels go through, whether we’re in the shell or not.

But it’s during the day that we go deep into our roots, down into the ground and into the Pumpkin Caves for the best daylife activities you’ll find anywhere. The place is known for its lack of TVs and clocks, making it the ultimate place for happy hour drinks that turn into daycaps.

Last year, the Pumpkin Caves Spirit Club operated as a speakeasy during pumpkin prohibition, which was the result of those who were sick of everything being artificially pumpkinized. Transyl-vein-ia banned all pumpkinizing machines, forcing the Pumpkin Caves (which is already underground) to go underground and illegally offer pumpkin-flavored goodies to those who had to have them.

Over the summer, we were happy to announce that our elected officials brought artificial pumpkinization back, and this year there will be more pumpkin-flavored goods on the market than ever before, hopefully doing away with the unnecessary deaths of pumpkins that were used last year to recreate the artificial pumpkin flavoring that so many individuals needed.

“You want a good dose of monster mayhem?” said Jill O. Lantern, president of the Jack-o’-Lantern Park Chamber of Commerce. “OK, so maybe we did make up the whole ‘voted No. 1 Place Most Resembling Halloween With Its Curiosity, Fear and Monster Mayhem Factors.’ We need the business here, so we’ll do anything. But you take away a monster’s artificially pumpkin-flavored treat and see what happens. There may be no mystery in it, but there’ll be plenty of fear for the fool who does the taking and plenty of monster mayhem.” 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

Jack-o’-Lantern Park ‘Rot Spots’ -- this is Halloween

By Jack O. Lantern
‘Head’ Writer/Editor

After months of life without Halloween, the day has arrived -- October 1st. Jack-o’-Lantern Park is something to be seen, but go, then, go now, for it’s the worst.

Orange and yellow leaves are falling from the trees, there’s a cool crispness in the air, a fall breeze.

Pumpkins fill the fields and scarecrows stand tall. And with that, welcome to Halloween Country, one and all.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long, and every day in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. The leaves are always falling strong, and there’s crispness in the air . . . even in the dark.

In the Pumpkin Patch up on Pumpkin Peak, there’s a never-ending supply of pumpkins growing. And even though they’re shopped every day all week, the pumpkins are always overflowing.

Back in Carver’s Corner, the Carver works on his creations. The pumpkins are always there, and so’s the Carver and all his relations.

The produce at The Stand tastes better this time of year. The apples on Apple Ranch are redder, the corn belonging to no finer ear.

In Pumpkin Goodie Gully, you can get pumpkin-flavored cookies, teas . . . pumpkin pie, pumpkin crackers and even pumpkin cheese.

Bring your best roast -- they’ll pumpkinize it on the spot. Take them old rats, toads and brains to boast -- they’ll add pumpkin flavor to all you’ve got.

It’s all the same, no matter when you go. Shine or rain, October’s best, you know.  

Visit the Corn Maze, give it a try. You’ll find creatures there since April, May, June and July.

It’s when you find the dead that you should worry. You may be too deep in the maze -- you better hurry.

It doesn’t help that the walls change and the paths close. There’s a right way to go, but nobody knows.

Tree Valley is always best in October, so stop by for a bite to eat. No need to sit down, it’s actually best to run. Because you’re the bite -- you’re the treat.

And when you get to the Halloween trees, full of jack-o’-lanterns and bumbling bees, you will know and you’ll know for good reason, it’s best to go during Halloween season.

Of course, it’s Halloween all year long in Jack-o’-Lantern Park, and it’s the same in the day and in the dark.

But during Halloween season, it’s just right. It’s even better on Halloween night.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

UFO Springs ‘Deceaseful Settings’ -- once you’re in the life, there’s no leaving the life

By Al Eean
Staff Skies Writer

If you’re in Podtown and inside the warehouses where pods are being grown, you can consider yourself officially one of us.

Ah, I remember Day 00. I thought I was enlisting in the Transyl-vein-ia Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces (the native mutants and monsters) at Pest Point Camp, but somehow I boarded the wrong transport and ended up in Podtown as a volunteer for Transyl-vein-ia’s other military branch -- the Alien Invaders Unit.

I’m sure you’re like I was and shocked to see so many pods in the warehouses. The body snatchers were busy when I arrived there 20 years ago. They were duplicating bodies in the hundreds. Today, you’ll notice bodies in the thousands.

After being sworn in, you’ll be assigned to an attack squad. You get a bed in your squad’s barracks, you’ll be yelled at for a few hours, you’ll find there’s a lot of hurry-up-and-wait-to-do-something-for-10-minutes, and then they’ll let you sleep for an hour or two.

On Day 01, you’ll stand in formation pointlessly for two hours. You’ll get shots, dog tags, an I.D. card . . . I remember my I.D. card. I looked tough as nails in the picture, but it was easy to for me to look tough. I felt tough. While I’m half alien, my mother’s parents come from Werewolftown, so, compared to some of those little white extra-terrestrials in my squad, I couldn’t help but feel tough as nails. My picture on my I.D. card showed my fangs and all. I looked like a beast. I still have that card.

Day 02 was filled mostly with more hurry-up-and-wait-to-do-something-for-10-minutes. I went to the dentist -- not by choice. They removed my fangs. I realize it now, but I didn’t know then that it was for my own protection. Werewolf fangs -- especially when you’re under the spell of a full moon (and if you’re invading the moon, that’s real bad for a guy like me) -- could be used to snap that helmet into pieces. That’s bad if you’re invading a planet with no air pressure. Silver bullet or no silver bullet, a half werewolf like myself wouldn’t survive that.

Day 03 is when you begin what’s called Hell Week. They teach you how to use laser beams, jet packs and your mental abilities -- which we all have, by the way -- to perform telepathy. You learn how to pilot UFOs, work the abductor beams and draw crop circles. My circles were terrible at first. I burned down three farms before I finally made a circle, and even then it looked more like a deformed rhombus.

It wasn’t until Day 10 that things started to get good. You get to take a UFO out to Red Devil’s Highway, which runs through UFO Springs, and do some abducting of your own. Before that, you had to be with at least one or two of the higher-ups. I snatched up this one young couple that had just gotten out of the Valley of Doom. They thought they’d made a clean break. That was 20 years ago. I still have that couple in preservation tanks at my home. They’re right there in my living room for guests to see. I even put green lights in the tanks to make them look really cool.

On Day 15, you’ll have the chance to go on an actual mission to other planets. It’s kind of like the mission you made during your recruitment, but this time you know you’ll be visiting other planets to gather intelligence, unlike the first time you went when you thought you were just on a tour. You’ll first go to the Intell Collection Agency located just outside Podtown. They’ll teach you how to capture and store data in the part of your brain that most beings don’t use. Lucky for me, I’m part alien, so it was easy for me to catch on. Zombies, on the other hand, have a hard time with this part of the training because their brains are pretty shot. Most of those guys and gals drop out when they get back to base.

On Day 27, you return with all the intelligence you’ve gathered. Intell Collection agents transfer it from your head into massive database systems. It’s a draining process, but afterward they give you two weeks of R&R. I spent my time at the Tractor Beam Inn. It’s still there in Podtown. That place literally sucks you in. They’ve got dancing, food and drink, and a nice game room with billiards, darts and mind games. There was this one ET I met there that played all kinds of mind games with me. I ended up marrying her. We bought a nice place in Transyl-vein-ia Hills and had two kids -- one white, one green. My oldest just had his first werewolf transformation the other night. Lycanthrope blood is thick. He took off for Werewolftown and joined the Gypsy Traveling Carnival. These kids today.

Day 50 is your big day because that’s when Alien Invaders get their first invasion papers to ship out. I shipped out on Day 66. Some ship out as soon as Day 51. On my first invasion, I somehow messed up the warp drive and thought I was over my target planet, only to discover I was really over Bigfoot National Park. I abducted Bigfoot and somehow sent him into the human world by accident, so then I had to go through the Bermuda Triangle to recover him, except my navigator got sucked out of the ship by the Tractor Beam Inn (I told you -- that place literally sucks you in), so I found myself over Monster Island. A giant octopus just off the shore batted my craft even more off course than I already was, I lost my instrumentation, side-swiped some witches doing a moon run just outside Witches Meadow, but somehow regained control of my craft only to realize my abductor beam was still on and I’d sucked up 10,000 gallons of the Black Lagoon’s worst waters. The toxic fluid ate through my abduction tank and started flooding my cockpit, so I tried to land somewhere safe, but the mountains I was flying over were moving, reaching for me and throwing rocks at me -- rock monsters from the Carpathian Mountains, no doubt. I slammed my ship into overdrive, water still coming into the cockpit, and I tried to find -- without instrumentation -- some flat ground in the Valley of Doom that I could use as a runway. There was a sandstorm there that threw me over to Shadow City. I couldn’t afford to land in that place. My luck was bad enough. That’s when I found Red Devil’s Highway in Downtown Transyl-vein-ia, but I got caught in one of the King Kong performances on top of King Kong Pavilion, and he thought I was one of the planes diving for him and he swatted me into the Mad Science District where I crashed into some lab on Lab Lane in the middle of an experiment that then transported me into the Corn Maze in Jack-o’-Lantern Park. Left with no food, I spend three weeks trying to get out of that ridiculous labyrinth.

On Day 51, I came out of the maze and found myself in Jack-o’-Lantern Park’s Pumpkin Goodie Gully. If you find yourself in Pumpkin Goodie Gully, you can consider yourself officially in Halloween Country. And if you’re in Halloween Country, you might as well live it up. You’ll have plenty of other chances to attack the many other worlds out there in your lifetime. You just eat up that pumpkin-flavored goodness while you have the chance.

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

UFO Springs ‘Hidden Harms’ -- beyond the sky’s limit

By Al Eean
Staff Skies Writer

If you previously had the opportunity to wander around UFO Springs on your own time and check out some of the more popular landmarks, but you only have one more night to spend in this exciting Transyl-vein-ian district, you should end your trip with the worlds-famous UFO Springs Tour.

Below is the tour schedule. It’ll keep you on the move, but you can expect to get an extraordinary behind-the-scenes look at the extra-terrestrial community of UFO Springs within just a 10-hour period:

2100 hours: Land at Crop Circle -- it’s the main street, and yes, it’s in the middle of all the crops, so don’t bother asking the aliens if you’re in the right spot. You are. There’s a briefing at 2100 hours sharp, so don’t be late. Your tour guide will fill you in on all the things you’ll do and see on the tour. Please leave your cameras back in your hotel room, that way any pictures you took on the first part of your trip to UFO Springs of UFOs or ETs can be destroyed by hotel staff. We don’t need any definitive evidence of either UFOs or ETs.

2130 hours: Board the tour saucers. From the skies, you’ll be able to get an alien’s-eye view via night vision of UFO Springs. You’ll hover over the crop circles on Old McDonald’s Farm, design a few of your own (don’t be afraid to screw up the crops or make stick-circles), you’ll see attack sites and all kinds of historic wreckage from the air, and you’ll land at Area 13 to check out the Area 13 Attacktime Museum.

2200 hours: If you’ve already been to the Attacktime Museum, don’t expect to see the same stuff. On the tour, you’re granted an all-access pass to the place, and you’ll even get to see top secret attack plans and strategies that aliens used in past invasions, which you’ll be tested on later. Commit that stuff to memory.

2300 hours: Lunchtime. You’ll have an hour to eat something at the Alien Eats Café in Area 13. Try the Moon Rocks, have some Mars Meal and enjoy “human” food, too.

0100 hours: Meet at Fleet Week Field. Every week is Fleet Week in Area 13. Fleet Week Every Week began in 1981, and it’s a way to celebrate both the alien invaders of UFO Springs and even the native monsters and mutants that defended it. From the field, you’ll get to check out the UFO Air Show, the parade of infantry monsters and many community events that have become a significant and integral part of UFO Springs’ local culture and economy. There are also Alien/Monster fights, which you don’t want to miss. It’s fun to see what happens if you root for the wrong side in the wrong section.

0300 hours: Board the tour saucers again. This time you’re on your way to Abduction Desert, and, again, if you’ve been there before, you still haven’t seen what you’re going to see on the tour. On the tour, you don’t just get to see abductions. You get to actually be abducted. It’s a good learning experience -- to know what it’s like. You’ll be taken through the Bermuda Triangle Portal to see what that’s like, too. That’s right -- the Bermuda Triangle a.k.a. the Big Daddy of all portals. Didn’t you recognize all the airplanes and steamer ships when you landed in the desert? Where do you think all those came from?

0400 hours: Back at Abduction Desert, board the tour saucers yet again. You’ll be taken on a comprehensive flyby tour of various planets and solar systems (you’ll travel through time, so this will seem to take a lot longer than the hour that’s slotted on the schedule). Next, you’ll land at the Launching Pad and Airway on Rocket Road to see where folks just like you go to board crafts to visit other worlds (for intelligence-gathering purposes) and where they go to board attack crafts to fly to and take over those worlds.

0500 hours: You’ll be teleported to the adjoining Rocket and Craft Factory. If you saw the factory on your own time, it’s nothing like what you’ll see on the tour. No need going to rocket-building floor or the UFO Museum again. That stuff is more for tourists. You’re past that point now. On the tour, you’ll be fitted for your very own space suit, given training, and you’ll even sign papers to volunteer for the next alien invasion of another world (no extra costs or fees).

0700 hours: Get on board more saucers to Podtown. There, alien recruiters will officially swear you in. Welcome to the Alien Invaders Unit. It’s time for basic training . . . 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.

UFO Springs ‘Rot Spots’ -- these places all have good 'up' views

By Al Eean
Staff Skies Writer

Aliens from other worlds began attacking what we now call UFO Springs on April 8, 1948. The 15 years that followed, which became known as Big Bad Attack 1 (BBA1), would prove to be one of the bloodiest conflicts in Transyl-vein-ia’s history, even bloodier than the vampire wars of 1027 B.D. (Before Dracula).

Over three million extra-terrestrials would come down and attack . . . for fun. Over three million zombies and mutants of the Transyl-vein-ia Armed, Legged, Winged and Finned Forces would defend their land . . . They had fun, too. But everyone and everything died by the time it was all over.

Today, E.T.s and natives live in harmony, and UFO Springs has become one of the top places to visit in Transyl-vein-ia.

Those who come to the Springs can walk through various forts and bunkers used during BBA1, examine an array of artillery pieces, explore the various museums and enjoy the views that the area’s defenders saw when UFOs and laser beams were raining down on them like the Great Rains did on Monster Island in ‘68.

History buffs will enjoy stepping foot inside Area 13 and checking out what’s left of the different types of aliens captured and autopsied there during the big attack. The carcasses have somehow not rotted away after all these years, but that doesn’t mean the smell won’t wipe you out on impact.

You can spend a whole night at Area 13. There are nightly tours of Pest Point Camp for the military, the Stage Roar Canteen (the famed restaurant and nightclub for native and allied servicemonsters of BBA1) never closes and several battlefields and other attack locations and preservation sites are open to the public.

Guests will enjoy UFO flybys, live cow abductions and military reenactments. But UFO Springs has plenty of other things to offer as well.

Below is a list of places to check out when you visit:

-Old MacDonald’s Farm (more comprehensive farm animal abductions than those at Area 13)

-Saucer Gazers Point

-Abduction Desert

-Podtown

-UFO Springs Launching Pad and Airway (be sure to check out the UFO Museum)

UFO Springs is a military town. When you arrive, be prepared to keep a tight schedule. But be sure to come in by bus. If you fly in, the natives tend to get a little jumpy and they’ll most likely shoot you out of the sky. No one wants another 15 years of warfare. 

This is one in a series of TRAVEL STORIES from the 13 districts of Transyl-vein-ia. These stories run weekdays between August and September. Jack-o’-Lantern Press’s regular news and entertainment coverage will continue in October.