Letters from the Lab: The evil lair

By The Mad Scientist

Columnist

There’s one thing you must have before you can ever be considered a true mad scientist these days. Any idea what that one thing might be?

The answer is an evil lair.

Maybe you didn’t know you needed a lair, and that’s what’s been holding you back all these years. Or maybe you did know you needed a lair but you just couldn’t afford such a place. One thing is certain: You have to have a place to facilitate your ideas, a place to create mad plots and a place to produce lethal experiments if you ever want world domination.

Today I’ll explain how you can create your very own simple evil lair at a low, low cost.

But before you buy even the first test tube or blinking light, there are a few things you must know about yourself.

Do you fit the part?

How do you know you’re fit to own your own evil lair? Well, for starters, do you have an evil laugh mastered? Go to the nearest mirror and check it out. Take a deep breath and start laughing as loud as you can. Keep it going for 10 to 100 seconds, and then slowly bring it down. Try it now. Muwahahahahahahahahahaha! Keep practicing until you feel you sound evil and convincing. You can’t truly have an evil lair if you don’t have an evil laugh. So practice, practice, practice.

What are you wearing?

Are you really trying to pull off your evil schemes wearing a T-shirt and jeans, using a Bic pen to write notes and secret numbers? If you live in the Mad Science District, do yourself a favor and go down to Evil-More Shopping Mart on Doom Drive and pick up a smock, an industrial set of goggles and a pocket protector with custom pens that have your name and evil slogan printed on them. Doesn’t that feel better? Of course it does.

What’s next?

Now that you fit the part, you’re ready to find your space.

Location, location, location

Peace and quiet is critical when conducting evil experiments and carrying out mad plans, so you’ll want to find a location that’s not noisy and not crawling with meddling fools. You’ll also want a place that’s isolated so idiots who don’t know what you’re doing won’t ever find out what you’re doing. You don’t want anyone hearing the explosions, rocket launchers, flowing electricity and loud rumbling lab machinery in your place. A good location for any evil lair is underground.

If you live in the Mad Science District, then you’re in luck. With so many experiments gone wrong and other explosions in the area, there are literally hundreds of gargantuan craters in the ground to choose from. Pick one. It won’t cost you a dime because the mad scientist who previously owned the property was most likely blown sky high during his or her failed experiment. Construct your lair there and worry about any legal issues later. Heck, you may own the world by the time anyone tries to take legal action, so it doesn’t matter if you’re in the right or the wrong.

You got the power?

How are you going to power up all that equipment needed to take over the world? If you know anything about electricity, you’ll have no problems wiring the place. If you don’t possess such skills, you’ll want to get an electrician. Go to the Hyde Hospital, Morgue and Snow Cone Shop down on Jekyll Drive, throw a rock and you’ll hit some nut that knows a thing or two about how electricity works. This also shouldn’t cost much because even if the guy charges you for the work, you can just tell him you’ll gift him a small island somewhere in the Dead Sea after you take over the world. And don’t worry about making good on the promise. You’ll own the world, so you can do whatever you want.

Security and surveillance

Securing your new lair is not as challenging as you might think, but whether it is or not, you’ll need surveillance cameras all over the flippin’ place. How can you have an evil lair without a giant bank of surveillance monitors that you can watch at any given moment? It’s worth the price you’ll pay for it and worth all the headaches you’ll experience trying to sync all the clocks on the cameras.

You’ll also need computer systems with passcodes, encrypted lines to the Internet and plenty of power outlets for the plethora of monitors you’ll have around your desk. It just looks neat and complete with all that equipment. And while you’re at it, get yourself one of those full-feature ergonomic task chairs with ball-and-socket armrests, a wide range of adjustability and full 360-degree swivel capabilities.

Data collection

Get a super computer, which you can purchase for peanuts at mad scientist auctions held on weekends all over the Mad Science District. You’ll need a computer that can really collect all kinds of data. And you’ll need a system with embedded adaptive technology and the ability to selfheal and acclimate to any condition like end-of-the-world scenarios in the event someone pushes one of the self-destruct buttons on your lair. Allow time to program your system and integrate it with all of your other systems before you begin any plans to take over the world.

A ton of consoles with lights all over

You’ll need a ton of consoles with lights all over, which goes without saying. This will be your biggest cost.

Backup power

You’ll need a few power generators and a battery backup system. Evil-More sells a bunch of affordable units. Once you pull all that power from the power grid to power up your lair, the power company will likely shut you off until they figure out what’s going on. They’ll never actually come up with any answers because you’re smarter than they are and they’ll eventually turn your power back on, but you’ll still need an alternate power source with enough power to sustain all of your equipment for a few days while they investigate.

The power to get secrets

If you want power -- the real kind -- then you’re going to need an interrogation room, and you’ll need a good interrogation chair, too. How else do you think you’re going to feel powerful? And how else do you think you’re going to get secret codes? Don’t install anything that’s too comfortable. The room should be no warmer than freezing and the chair should be like those in the DMV so your victims’ experiences offer no comfort whatsoever.

You’ll probably want a couple jail cells, as well, in order to contain those victims who just aren’t cooperating with you. They can wait there for their doom while you try to think of a few new ways to get those codes you need. You can get cheap jail cells almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.

Survival gear, food, water and first aid kits -- just in case

This is all fine and dandy. But you can get rid of all that stuff once you get around to creating a first aid robot. Do yourself a favor and create a first aid robot. We all make mistakes and we all need first aid every now and then.

Huge rocket, a very loud countdown clock and a laser

You want everyone in the area to see the rocket coming out of the ground. So don’t waste your money on compact rockets, even if the label says it’s just as effective. You also want everyone to hear the countdown. So the louder it is, the more dramatic and tense it’ll be. And, of course, you’ll need a laser for added effect, which goes without saying.

Other additions

Here are a few other things you won’t need now, but you’ll want later: A war room, trap doors, roving security robots, a shark pool, booby traps, lava pits, self-destruct buttons behind glass with those little hammers to break the glass, secret tunnels (they don’t really have to go anywhere -- they’re just fun), rodents in cages, doomsday devices (more for those mad scientists with warehouse-scale lairs), oversized diagonally-aligned cargo elevators, excessively long corridors, revolving walls, cylindrical vats of viscous orange liquids (perfect for storing genetic mutants), severed body parts, armies of clones, automatic double doors that go swoosh, easily bypassed optical scanners, easily bypassed palm-print readers and other neat stuff I don’t have to tell you about, which you’ll find wandering the aisles of Evil-More.

A fully functioning evil lair

Once you’ve got your lair together and up and running, take a moment to enjoy the smell. There’s nothing like new-lair smell. Mmmmm. Now’s a good time to use that evil laugh you mastered: Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!

But wait, there’s one more thing you’re missing . . . Books. Lots and lots of books. Don’t worry -- you don’t have to read them. They’re more for show. And they intimidate any unwanted guests. So buy a bunch of them. You can get cheap books almost anywhere these days. People leave those things on the street.  

There are, however, a few books you may just want to read. Check out the ones on the scientific method. You’ll probably want a brief understanding of that before conducting any big experiments. You might also want to check out a few books on world domination in the event you want to see how others have tried and failed to take over the world.

Whether you understand what you’ve read or not, just having the books will make you feel like a genius, which means you’re ready to start creating experiments and planning your world takeover.

Enjoy your new evil lair safely

It’s easy to want to go big with your evil plans right away when you’re sitting in your new evil lair. Go for it! Just be safe. But I don’t have to tell you that because “safety” isn’t your middle name.

Have fun anyway. If you have an open house, let me know. I look forward to checking out what your place looks like before you accidentally blow it to smithereens.

The Mad Scientist is a mad man with evil on his mind always and plans to take over the world at any given time. He lives in a castle on Lab Lane in the Mad Science District of Transyl-vein-ia.